Using "Anxiety" as an excuse to be rude

[boltnrun]

So my friends and I had plans to meet up at a restaurant tonight. One of my friends promised another that he would pick her up and bring her to the restaurant. At the meeting time, she texted me that she had not heard from him. He was not responding to her texts or messages. I texted and messaged him and so did a couple of other friends. No response. So one of my friends had to drive a half hour out of her way to pick up the friend that the guy was supposed to pick up, which made them both an hour late. Four hours have gone by, and no word from that guy. And he'd confirmed the plans only yesterday.

 

He claims to have "anxiety". I know he takes medication. But since when does "anxiety" prevent you from being able to type a few words on a cell phone? I have anxiety (been diagnosed by a medical doctor), but I never, ever stand up anyone. It's rude and inconsiderate to leave someone waiting when you've promised to pick them up. Why couldn't he have just texted and said he wasn't going to make it after all, instead of leaving her hanging and waiting?

 

I don't buy that "anxiety" excuses someone from practicing common courtesy. Seriously rethinking this friendship with this inconsiderate "friend".

 

And this is not the first time, BTW...

[lostlove76]

So you haven't heard from the guy? Only assuming that anxiety will be the excuse?

 

As you well know, I have major anxiety... but I can't imagine I just wouldn't show up somewhere when someone was relying on me. It would weigh heavily on my conscience. You're right, it's super easy to just text a head's up. If he's an avoider, though, he might have feared letting you guys down, so he just hides himself away?

 

ETA: You say he's done this before. What was his explanation?

[Ketchup]

I'm going through the same problems with my friend. She's rude most of the time and blames it on anxiety and depression. I have to pick her up every time and she changes plans in the last minute and what bothers me the most is that she can choose to be really nice and happy when she wants something. I understand that she needs help and I was patient for so long but last weekend it was getting really annoying, I decided to just leave her out from now on.

[Capricorn3]

I agree that anxiety is a poor excuse for lack of common courtesy. It doesn't take much to send a quick message to cancel a meeting (or whatever).

[boltnrun]

So he finally texted (six hours after he was supposed to pick up our friend) explaining he "overslept". Well, he'd been up all night chasing Pokemon and posting about it on Facebook, until about 1:30 in the afternoon. So, he's not too anxious to chase Pokemon all over the city but he can't pick up a friend who was relying on him? Breaking a promise he made? I even said I would pick up our friend but he said, no! He would pick her up!! So much for that.

 

He misses a LOT of work and blames his anxiety. He says sometimes he doubles up on his anxiety medicine in order to cope. But again, when it comes to chasing Pokemon he has zero anxiety. I guess pretend is easier to deal with than reality.

 

Whatever. I know now never to rely on him for anything. I'll just pick up our friend myself and stop inviting him places.

 

And yeah, I'm annoyed and so is the rest of our friend group.

[jujusamples]

For the record "Anxiety/Depression", I know it all too well! I was first diagnoised with PTSD, then it became anxiety and depression. I've been seeking serious therapy, group therapy, classes, medication, you name it! So I understand the illness very well!

 

I have NEVER been late nor have I flaked out on my friends using the excuse of anxiety or depression! Because I have anxieties, if I have plans, even if it's a simple coffee date, I would think about it all the time (that's why they call it anxiety) that's why I'm NEVER even late to a meeting of any kind. I will be thinking about all day and I would get and be ready way in advance and show up always early to everything.

 

With that being said, to answer your question, your friend is just inconsiderate! It is a dumb excuse. I attend therapy with people with anxiety and I kid you not, NO ONE is ever even late or does not show up without calling! You know why, if we don't call or show up early, our anxiety will get the best of us. That's what causes anxiety is worrying about missing appointments and worrying about being late without letting whom ever you are meeting know. Your mind will race and think about it like it's about to go out of style! Anxieties is worrying non stop! So if your friend has the illness, he would be worrying about not picking up the friend and worrying that everyone is waiting. that's just my opinion based on my experiences and experiences with other friends that I have with the same condition.

 

Yes, it bothers me that your friend is inconsiderate and would use having anxiety as an excuse, it really isn't!

[lostlove76]

So then it's probably not the anxiety that keeps him from showing up - he just oversleeps or decides he doesn't feel like going. And then maybe avoids confrontation/accountability by not giving a head's up that he won't be there. Sounds like he just doesn't care. I'd quit inviting him places, too. If he notices and asks why, be blunt and honest and just tell him.

[boltnrun]

I do like him, so I've decided that I'll let him know when our friend group has something planned but I will make sure to pick up the friend who doesn't have a car myself. This is the second time he's left her hanging while the rest of us are at the location having fun. Poor thing, I don't want her to miss out just because he's flaky.

 

I'm sure he'll either avoid me at work today, or he'll ask me if I'm mad. It will be really hard for me to say I'm not mad, because I think his inconsiderateness was very rude. And I don't want to say "It's OK!" because it's not.

[journeynow]

Anxiety and rudeness are not the same, one is not an excuse for the other.

 

Playing pokeman may be a way he deals with anxiety (by distraction or focus). Anti-anxiety meds may cause sleepiness.

 

Be honest if he asks, admit you are annoyed that he inconvenienced your friends and the group. You would have liked him to have called. Don't say "It's OK!" if it's not.

[Wiseman2]

Passive-aggressive behavior often includes lame excuses, thwarting people, being late, breaking promises, etc. of course with the veneer of being cooperative/friendly. Gotta love the creative crock he made up as an excuse.

Four hours have gone by, and no word from that guy. And he'd confirmed the plans only yesterday.

[boltnrun]

I mean, we even moved the time back to later because he said he probably couldn't be awake by the original time we'd set. So we moved it back an hour and a half just to accommodate him. And he (apparently) didn't wake up until six hours after the time we'd set FOR HIM.

 

I can understand waking up a half hour or even an hour late, but 6 hours??? And how about setting an alarm? And when you know you have not only made plans with others but committed to picking someone else up, why would you stay out all night and half the day until 1:30 pm chasing Pokemon?

 

Luckily one of our other friends got a bit of a late start and was able to pick the other friend up. Otherwise she would have missed out, and she had really been looking forward to this outing.

 

I think if/when he asks me if I'm mad, I'll just say that I felt bad for who was waiting on him, and that was nice enough to go out of her way to pick her up, because otherwise she would have missed out.

 

I can picture it now, his sad face and him saying "I know, I felt so bad!!!"...just like he did last time. Well, if it makes you feel bad to let others down, how about you stop???!!!

[journeynow]

Tell him it's not ok, and tell him why. I think you'll be doing him a favor. You can do it with kindness and still be polite.

 

I do not think being "nice" equals being polite. Sounds like this is someone who you will deal with again, so why not let him know? If he says "I know, I felt so bad!!!" maybe say "I know, it was bad!!! An apology to the group would be a place to start."

 

Sounds like he cannot be relied upon, so I vote for not relying on him in the future. The group can plan any way they want and he can hit or miss, play it by ear, and the group can decide to continue to include him in plans or not.

[Wiseman2]

Wasn't there a book called "The Peter Pan Syndrome"?

I why would you stay out all night and half the day until 1:30 pm chasing Pokemon?

[lostlove76]

I agree with journey. You're just going to grow resentful if you hold it inside, and the problem will continue. I would just speak up and tell him what's what. Being the way I am, I would prefer to say it in a text - less awkward and confrontational that way, and easier to get your point across without backing down if he gives a sad face or getting even madder if he brushes it off. JMO.

[boltnrun]

I don't do text unless it's to set a time or to confirm plans.

 

I'm not afraid to speak to people in person (it's a major requirement of my job), so if he seeks me out and asks if I'm mad, I will let him know that was disappointed and that I felt he had let her down more than he let me down.

 

And I know what he'll say..."I know, I feel so bad!!" But again, if he felt that bad he'd stop.

 

He gets anxious dealing with certain situations, yet he keeps doing the same things over and over that create those situations he dreads! It makes zero sense to me. For example, he misses a lot of work, which causes him to feel anxious about getting into trouble for being absent a lot. So he deals with it by missing yet another day of work! Then he's twice as anxious. Again, makes zero sense to me.

 

I noticed that he's posting on his Facebook that he's "sick", so maybe he's setting up to call out from work. Although he certainly felt well enough to stay out all night chasing Pokemon! Funny how that works.

 

Even with all that, I do like him. He's nice, but he acts like a middle-schooler who didn't turn in his book report and is afraid Teacher will be mad. I doubt he's going to "change", so from now on when we make plans we'll just arrange for someone else to pick up the car-less friend, and we'll just assume he'll either no show or show up late.

[journeynow]

I'm not afraid to speak to people in person (it's a major requirement of my job), so if he seeks me out and asks if I'm mad, I will let him know that was disappointed and that I felt he had let her down more than he let me down.

 

But you are on here because it bothers you, so why not own up to that?

 

Are you mad? I sounds like you are. Or at least annoyed.

 

I can be clueless at times, and I think I'd rather people be honest with me than tip toe around trying to sound nice but not giving me information I need. I can make better choices for myself if I know (directly) how I affect others. Better direct than third party. Your friend does not necessarily need you to speak for her.

[boltnrun]

Yeah, I am mad.

 

If it was a one time thing, I'd be annoyed but this is not the first time.

 

I can't imagine that he doesn't know what he did was inconsiderate. He actually sent me two messages, the first one said "I overslept", the second one sent a bit later said "I am so sorry, I overslept". So I think originally he thought oversleeping was a legitimate excuse, then maybe he thought about it and realized that he hadn't apologized. So he sent the second message.

 

I didn't respond to either message because at the time I was still so angry I felt I would send a scathing reply and I don't really want to rage at him.

 

But yeah, I should let him know I'm upset. Our other friend (the one he was supposed to pick up) is not shy, so I'm sure she will tell him she was waiting and waiting on him and he never showed. And he was already on thin ice with the friend who had to go out of her way to pick the other friend, and she is also not shy.

 

All of us like him...he's a likable guy, funny and nice, but he just has this THING where he commits to doing something and just doesn't follow through. I suppose he's gotten away with it so far, which is why he keeps doing it. Maybe if he stops getting invited places it will sink in? Or maybe he'll feel relieved, because he won't have to keep apologizing for failing to keep his promises. Who knows.

[journeynow]

" All of us like him...he's a likable guy, funny and nice, but he just has this THING where he commits to doing something and just doesn't follow through." I know a couple people like this. Fun, nice, likable. Charming even. Seems sincere and kind. But often unreliable, commits but doesn't follow through. I've written about them before and have come to see things differently. What seems to be a commitment or promise from them should really be interpreted as "a good idea, if all things fall into place", because that is how it ends up. Don't rely on them, take them as they are if you want to be friends, but don't expect more.

 

It is entirely ok for you to respond with "Yeah, I am mad" if he asks "Are you mad?" It might be better than not saying it. Gets it out.

 

" I can't imagine that he doesn't know what he did was inconsiderate." Sure, he might know, AND he sent an apologetic message. He might think that all is ok since everything worked out and no one got angry TO HIM.

 

If he asks if the friend is mad (the one who is not shy?) you can suggest he ask her. If he asks if YOU are mad, say "Yeah, I am mad." And you can leave it at that. It's pretty simple.