He doesn't want to talk to me after an argument, what do I do now?

[pastelandblack]

I'm in a ldr with my boyfriend from 2 years and last week we had a bad argument. I questioned him about something and he flipped, the last thing he said was he didn't want to talk about it that he didn't want to be involved with me and a speak to you soon. Two days later I hadn't heard anything and became worried so I messaged him saying I missed him and I genuinely apologized about what happened. He was still angry and said he'd go his own way if it happened again, but we made steps in talking it out. The day after he took ages to reply, but he messaged me at night as he was doing drugs with a friend and was a bit more talkative. That night he said he just needed a cuddle and a shoulder to cry on, last message I received that night was at 3am. I then messaged him around 4pm as I didn't hear anything anymore, I asked him if he still needed cuddles from me and said no thank you with reason 'I don't want to talk to you.' I said I understand if he's still angry and I asked if it'd help if I gave him some time and he said I don't know. One of the last messages he sent was him saying he doesn't really want to be with me right now but he doesn't want to be on his own. Does that message mean he broke up with me or did he say that because he was angry? He fell asleep after that, I still messaged him saying I'd give him some time as he's still angry and didn't want to talk so it'll get better, he read the messages but never replied, this was on Saturday. On Sunday I noticed he removed his relationship status from Facebook and god knows why, but this worries me. I don't know what to do now, do you guys think he'll cool off and still come back after a few days? I'm scared of losing him and the whole silent treatment is so frustrating. Can anyone help please? Two days before the fight we were talking about our next trip in October and a holiday together during Christmas so I don't understand what's happening now..

[j.man]

What was the argument about exactly?

[greta96]

First of all, does the fact that he does drugs not concern you at all? Because to me he doesn't sound like relationship material.

Nor does he sound like he is into you, in fact he does sound like he already has one foot out the door.

The hot and cold? Well, he is on drugs, what else do you expect of him?

What was the argument about? His reaction could indicate that you may have been right, and this is usually what happens when a certain type of people get caught red handed and questioned about it - they try to turn the tables and make you look like the bad guy, when in reality you were spot on about the accusations and they do have something to hide. So based on his reaction I would say that whatever the fight was about, you were probably right. Him being angry for so long is probably either him wanting out of this relationship, or him training you to be a quiet little mouse who puts up with whatever idiotic things he does and will do in the future, without daring to speak up or get upset.

 

Do nothing. If I were you, even if he tries to come back I wouldn't take him back, but I'm not you and you clearly still want him (why, I don't know).

[pastelandblack]

I noticed that a couple of times when we said goodnight to each other he'd continue to be on Facebook and Snapchat for an hour or longer. I confronted him about it and he denied it so we got into an argument about me asking him that! It's a silly thing to fight about looking back to it now.

[pastelandblack]

He normally doesn't do drugs whatsoever I wasn't clear there sorry! He's been under a lot of stress and he decided to go and try it for one night to make himself feel better, other than that night he doesn't do drugs.

[Gary Snyder]

Guys like to work out problems in their own head and go into their cave for awhile. Give him some space.

[Wiseman2]

How often do you see each other? What did he mean by cuddles? Just let things cool down/blow over and see how it goes. Argiments happen.

I'm in a ldr with my boyfriend from 2 years. he messaged me at night as he was doing drugs with a friend and was a bit more talkative. That night he said he just needed a cuddle and a shoulder to cry on

[pastelandblack]

@Wiseman2 We see each other quite often actually for a ldr, I've seen him every month since January! A cuddle as in when you cry and you need someone to comfort you, you know? It happened two weeks ago when I went to see him, he was in tears and I just cuddled him. But he said 'I don't really want to be with you right now, but I don't want to be on my own', what do you think that means? Is that a break up message?

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he's angry and wants space to cool off in, just wait it out until he contacts you.

he said 'I don't really want to be with you right now, but I don't want to be on my own',

[pastelandblack]

It's frustrating how I still haven't heard anything and how he deleted the relationship status too! That message just scared me as it kind of sounds like a break up but then again it doesn't. How much time is normal to cool off in though? @wiseman2

[Wiseman2]

Have you argued before? What's his cool off pattern like? That messages sounds more like he's mad not like it's over. He'll come to you when he gets over himself.

It's frustrating how I still haven't heard anything and how he deleted the relationship status too! That message just scared me as it kind of sounds like a break up but then again it doesn't. How much time is normal to cool off in though?

[pastelandblack]

Yes we've argued before, about serious things but also silly things like every couple basically. It depends to be honest, there's times where we argue and he comes back within a day or two, but there's also times where it takes a couple of days more for him to cool off and come back. The thing that scares me is that he never replied to my messages and the last thing he said was about not really wanting to be with me right now! He didn't say anything like I'll speak to you soon or something so I'm really trying not to freak out and to not message him @wiseman2.

[Wiseman2]

Ok so there you go, he takes time with no contact to cool off...maybe he's just a little more upset this time. Don't panic, he said 'right now'. If he said "i'm done" then that would be different.

there's times where we argue and he comes back within a day or two, but there's also times where it takes a couple of days more for him to cool off and come back.

[pastelandblack]

You're right with that one, if he wanted to dump me he'd probably say I'm done or I'm going my own way or something. Because I'm panicking I just keep reading that message over and over again and I keep over thinking it! The argument itself happened last week on Tuesday though, we made steps in talking it out on Thursday and on Saturday he said he didn't want to talk to me and the I don't really want to be with you right now message. I haven't heard from him since Saturday, are you sure it'll get better? Did I make it worse by trying to talk to him still till that saturday? What do you think of the relationship status removal by the way? @wiseman2. I'm in panick mode sorry!

[j.man]

Are the other arguments similarly having to do with smothering him? I'd be seriously rethinking my relationship with a woman who was starting arguments because I checked my Facebook after saying goodnight, too.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like all of it means he's still pissed, but it's not over. just use patience and whatever chill you can muster and he'll contact you. The problem is really the suspense more so than any threat of it ending, so breathe.

You're right with that one, if he wanted to dump me he'd probably say I'm done or I'm going my own way or something. What do you think of the relationship status removal by the way?

[pastelandblack]

@j.man Sometimes, in the past it happened a lot (like a year ago). I haven't questioned him since then except for when I was with him two weeks ago, I saw he got a snapchat from a girl and asked if she was a good friend which made him angry. And on Tuesday he got angry because I asked him if he was talking to someone else after we said our goodnights, he said I'm doing it all over again and he wouldn't hesitate to go his own way if I did it again. Other than those times we only had silly disagreements as arguments that's it.

[pastelandblack]

@wiseman2 Thank you! I really appreciate your help, I'm really overthinking things and driving myself crazy by imagining the worst case scenarios. I'd rather have an angry message than not hearing anything at all you know? It makes me worry and panick, the longer it takes the more scared I get that he might not come back at all

[pastelandblack]

@wiseman2,

Update: my bf messaged me yesterday, nothing serious just about his new tattoo and we talked a bit about that. He showed me a few videos of it and seemed more talkative. I thought this meant we were heading in the right direction as he contacted me and wasn't that short. However, around 9pm yesterday he disappeared ONCE AGAIN. He still hasn't read or replied to my messages and it's starting to annoy me now. This is taking so long, the fight was Tuesday last week and he still isn't talking to me properly, he still hasn't said I love you since and keeps ignoring me at times. I don't know what to do anymore, I was willing to give him time but this is way too long without much improvement. Should I just keep my mouth shut until he reaches out to me again? I really want to say something like hey can we talk about this please and is everything ok now and stuff like that but I think that'll make it worse and I don't know what to do with this!

[Heather Dawn]

A) You're so matter-of-fact about his drug use. What drug?

 

B) You SHOULD be concerned that he removed his relationship status on FB - that's very telling.

 

C) How can you offer "cuddles" if you're LD?

[pastelandblack]

@HeatherDawn, as I mentioned before in this thread he only did drugs for that one night, he used cocaine with a friend for once. He doesn't do drugs normally, so there is no 'drug use'. He didn't break up with me though so I don't get the removal of that status. Anyway, it's been 9 days now and he's still really awkward and distant with me, he still hasn't said I love you or used a nickname or something like he would normally do.

[Heather Dawn]

@HeatherDawn, as I mentioned before in this thread he only did drugs for that one night, he used cocaine with a friend for once. He doesn't do drugs normally, so there is no 'drug use'. He didn't break up with me though so I don't get the removal of that status. Anyway, it's been 9 days now and he's still really awkward and distant with me, he still hasn't said I love you or used a nickname or something like he would normally do.

 

He DID break up with you - he just didn't use those exact words.

 

How much longer are you going to wait this out?

[pastelandblack]

Turns out he now all of a sudden feels like we're just friends and I'm aching. He said he didn't know how to tell me so he just carried on and I've basically been used for the past months. I don't know how to cope with this because I don't understand, we've seen each other a lot, been intimate and everything like every couple but he felt like friends all along even then?!

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like he may be becoming interested in someone else locally.

However, around 9pm yesterday he disappeared ONCE AGAIN. He still hasn't read or replied to my messages and it's starting to annoy me now. This is taking so long, the fight was Tuesday last week and he still isn't talking to me

[Heather Dawn]

You need to let this go - he's done.