Close that chapter of your life, and move on!

[happyphantom]

Skimming through these posts, I can't seem to understand why so many people are still in contact with their ex-boyfriends and girlfriends. Am I the only person here that says "goodbye" and means it? What's the point in holding onto this person if your relationship is over? Is it some lingering, desperate hope that one day you might get back together?

 

 

Don't get me wrong. I've been in many relationships, and have both hurt some people, and been very much so hurt by others. I have many memories that I will treasure forever, and am genuinely thankful for alot of the men that came into my life because they enriched it in one way or another. But once it was over - that was it. I don't want to know who theyre dating, what they're doing, how their job is going, or ANYTHING about them! I want to move on with my life, and leave any "baggage" behind, take what I have learned, and turn it into something positive I can offer for my next relationship.

 

Similarly, I dont appreciate it when the men I date still remain "friends" with their ex's. Friends???? Are you kidding me? You can never be "friends" with someone after you dated them. It's just not honest, unless you can go back into your psyche and erase everything you ever felt for them.

 

Love is great, and love sucks sometime. But I really believe that there is more than 1 perfect person out there for everyone, but we should really stop dwelling and living our lives in the past. The only way is to move forward.

 

Just my opinion....

 

Sophie

[annie24]

Yes. I agree I agree I agree. I learned the hard way. I was in LOOOOOVE with this one guy for 4-5 YEARS. We only dated for a month or two, but I fell HARD for him! And, we remained "friends" for years. Any e-mail he sent me, I would overanalyze. Looking for some sign he still had feelings for me. We did "hook up" a few times after we broke up, but 2 years ago, I wised up and saw that he was leading me on all this time! He enjoyed knowing that I was still drooling over him!

 

Being in love with him, well after he broke up with me, really didn't give me a chance to meet new guys - I was too obsessed with the ex. Now, I've learned a lot from that experience.

 

I too, don't bother being "friends" with the ex. It's too complicated. Too many emotions. And someone always winds up hurt.

 

I think the ONLY way you can be friends with an ex is if you have, geninely, 150% no feelings for them, and you are 200% over them! Otherwise, you are prolonging the pain. Breakups should be like taking off a band-aid. Very fast, clean. It hurts less than slowly slowly taking it off....

[Iceman26]

Holy crap phantom, you read my mind! I couldnt have said it any better than you did.......I dont even give advice to people that post about their exes anymore because really, if the relationship didnt work out the first time, 9 times out of 10 its not going to work the second time and I wont fill people with false hope.

 

The only advice I have for people crying about their exes is get some exercise, spend time with friends and family who love you and care about you, dont talk to the ex or be friends with an ex again, remember what you learned from the ex and the relationship, acknowledge the mistakes that were made and move on!

 

I never have and wouldnt date someone who kept talking to or were hanging out with their exes.

[shes2smart]

Am I the only person here that says "goodbye" and means it?

 

No, you're not. I'm a big advocate of a clean, final & permanent break at the end of a relationship. Then again, I'm on the older end of the spectrum of posters, and have probably gone through the end of a relationship more often than 20 & 30 somethings.

 

What's the point in holding onto this person if your relationship is over? Is it some lingering, desperate hope that one day you might get back together?

 

Fear. Fear of being alone. Fear that the next person might be worse. Fear of change. Fear that no one else will want to be with them. Fear they won't find anyone else as good. And so on....

 

Or, in some cases, one party wanted the break-up and the other didn't.

 

But I honestly believe many, many times it can be traced back to some sort of fear.

 

But once it was over - that was it. I don't want to know who theyre dating, what they're doing, how their job is going, or ANYTHING about them! I want to move on with my life, and leave any "baggage" behind, take what I have learned, and turn it into something positive I can offer for my next relationship.

 

I'm with ya 100% on that one.

 

Similarly, I dont appreciate it when the men I date still remain "friends" with their ex's. Friends???? Are you kidding me? You can never be "friends" with someone after you dated them. It's just not honest, unless you can go back into your psyche and erase everything you ever felt for them.

 

Never say never, but I'll agree that the vast majority of the time it's not feasible to be friends with an ex. I have only one ex I consider a friend...but even with him there was a good year of absolutely no contact at all, and it's a very distant kind of friendship now. We used to get together every few months and catch up, now that I have moved to a different city for a job, that has dropped back to a few e-mails every few months.

 

Love is great, and love sucks sometime. But I really believe that there is more than 1 perfect person out there for everyone, but we should really stop dwelling and living our lives in the past. The only way is to move forward.

 

People come into our lives for a reason. When the reason ceases to exist, when the lessons are learned/taught it's time to move on. We are always growing and learning (at least we should be--otherwise we're wasting our time) and because of that the "perfect person" for us will change as we change.

 

Sometimes we're with someone and we grow & learn together for a long time. Some for a lifetime. Some we will grow & learn together for a short time, then grow in different directions. The idea that there's one (oh, excuse me....THE ONE) out there for each of us causes a lot of damage. It's a concept most of us would probably be better off without. If only for the simple fact that it takes a ton of pressure off any romantic interaction we have.

 

What I tell myself as I read through "I want my ex back" posts is it's being written by a person who is in crisis. They may be freshly out of a break-up (say, 3 mos. or less) and they're still trying to deal with the raw emotions of it. This site is a crutch in a lot of ways. Crutches aren't bad. They help you get along when you can't stand on your own. Eventually, you regain your strength and you don't need them anymore. And you can see that progression in a number of people's posts over time.

 

Once they don't need to lean as heavily on this site and the people here, they may move on and those of us here really don't see that. Unless they continue to post, there's no way to know how their story ended. In addition, you have new people stumbling in all the time and they may have simliar issues to some people already here. It's hard to keep all the players straight sometimes

 

Over the last several months, I've become a lot more selective about the posts I read and even more selective about the ones I respond to. I tend toward being a little blunt and logical, and that doesn't necessarily work well in all situations with all people. Some want a "there, there, you poor thing" and there's nothing wrong with that...I'm just not the one they're going to get that from because I'm not like that.

 

I was just PM'ing with someone about this...how some have assumed that just because a response is direct/blunt it is also automatically uncaring. I'd suggest that isn't the case. It's just a reflection of the person writing it, and some people do tend to be more direct than others. Especially with posts that are worded in a more direct manner, I'd think it's a fair assumption that if the writer didn't care on some level, they wouldn't have bothered posting.

 

Oh, heavens, I've wandered off on another tangent again. I really need to work out some deal where I can get paid by the word.

[a.d.c.]

I definetely agree as well. Once that it's been established that a relationship is truly over, there really is no need to stay friends. Once closure has been achieved with your significant other, then that should be the end of it all. Because the feelings are usually still there to some degree.

 

I'm talking about serious intimate relationships here. Ones that actually lasted awhile and the connections were strong. (My last relationship lasted over 2 yrs) It would be hard on the both of us to remain friends due to our feelings for each other.

 

 

Now if it was a relationship that wasnt too serious, wasn't long, or a level of intimacy was never reached, in these I believe friendship can exist since the feelings weren't that strong. (I've had a few of these and I've been friends with the girls afterwards) Neither I or these exs had feeling for each other anymore so friendships were possible with them.

 

It really depends on what kind of relationship it was I think that determines whether a friendship is possible afterwards or not.

 

Oh and if you were friends before going out. IMO if you weren't friends before going out then it's hard to be friends afterwards. Which was the case with my last 2 yr relationship. With the others it was friends 1st.

[DN]

Umm - except sometimes it does work. My girlfriend and I broke up when she came back to Canada from England where I lived at the time. We got back together and have been married ever since

[vhshowdown]

Now, what you say is very true. I prefer out of sight, out of mind. It eventually works to help get over someone. You are absolutely right, who cares whom they are seeing, what they are doing, etc..... When you get your heart broken though, have you ever lost weight, like 10-30 pounds kinda weight, because you cant eat, food doesnt even taste good kinda sick feeling, its hard to think about anything else when you go thru that. I have been there before, it is no fun.

 

But lets say you break up with someone, or they break up with you , but it was kinda mutual you really didnt want to. But at the time, we all make decisions when we are angry, and afterwards we think, hey we really didnt want that.... then what??

 

There are alot of factors to consider here. Maturity, jealousy, forgiving, forgetting, etc....

 

Odds say move on...... and what you say is true, but like Iceman said, at times getting back with an EX can be the best thing in the world.... We all make mistakes, its those of us who learn from those mistakes and then do something with it, makes everyone around you a better person, I think.... sometimes it doesnt hurt to be open minded, other times it can keep us digging a deeper emotional hole!!

I dont think you can wait around for ever though if not...

[annie24]

Umm - except sometimes it does work. My girlfriend and I broke up when she came back to Canada from England where I lived at the time. We got back together and have been married ever since

 

Sometimes, it does work - but more like 1 time out of 10. Sometimes, it works because the two people have had space and time, and they have had a chance to address their issues that broke up the relationship the first time.... But, 9 times out of 10..... it's time to move on....

[DN]

are you implying I am in a minority - don't know whether to be pleased or not.

 

Biut you are probably right.

[shes2smart]

are you implying I am in a minority - don't know whether to be pleased or not.

 

Biut you are probably right.

 

Minority? I'd prefer to think of it as being "one of the special chosen few"

[annie24]

I wasn't trying to imply anything. It's just a statement. Most people don't get back together with their ex and live happily ever after. Just a fact...

[DN]

are you implying I am in a minority - don't know whether to be pleased or not.

 

Biut you are probably right.

 

Minority? I'd prefer to think of it as being "one of the special chosen few"

 

 

[BillyJean714]

AMEN to you ladaah!! Finally someone said something! Thanks Sophie. Great post!

[SugarSweetness407]

First of all i want to say WONDERFUL POST! I am a firm believer of just moving on. Now i can sit here and tell you this now, but when i was younger and went through a break up, i wanted nothing more to be "friends" with my ex's. After awhile I learned that it just really isn't possible, usually because there are those feelings there.

 

Now my last relationship, ended very badly as most of you know, but I am a believer of Everything happens for a reason, I know that my ex came into my life for a reason now, and that has been my strength to move on. He opened my eyes to things that I may have never seen before...especially about myself, and believe it or not actually helped me appreciate my new boyfriend. Someone who is completely different then my ex. My ex was the "bad boy" type, always in trouble, and at the time that was interesting to me, I wanted that type of guy, but now I know that being in a relationship with someone like that, to his extent...wasn't for me.

 

Looking back now, I have learned so much from every boyfriend I've ever had, and I believe that is the whole point. You take what you get from each relationship, and I believe it gives you strength.

 

However, now I am currently dating an ex. We dated in highschool, but we ended on good terms...there were never any really hard feelings between us. So far everything is good, and I would like it to stay that way, and maybe I'll be part of that "special chosen few" group . I am taking things slow though, seeing that I did just come out of a bad relationship, but as long as you don't make the same mistakes...I think every relationship good or bad serves it's purpose....they just make you wiser!

 

Anyways....very good post...now I'm off to California...for a nice, long needed vacation....Have a great weekend everyone!!

[SkyFire]

ABOUT time there is someone who knows what it means to move on

 

Great post.

[clodhopper]

I think it's very difficult to be friends with an ex, especially if it wasn't mutual and there are still feelings there on one side.

 

My ex is actually good friends with the girl he was with before me. They were together for 3 years and lived together for 2 of those... and although the breakup was hard, they both realized they just weren't the right person for each other. After a little time and space and dating other people, they knew for sure they just weren't for each other. They have some great memories they will always share and their friendship just seems to work. I will admit that when I was with my ex, it bothered me A LOT that he was still friends with her. But now I get why it works in some of those rare cases when neither person has feelings.

 

In my case I can't really be friends with my ex because I still have feelings for him somewhat... maybe someday when I don't, we can be friends.

[Cecelius]

The most refreshing post of the week

[hoboken12]

THANK YOU!!!!!

 

Great post! I would like to add something. It seems some girls (and some guys) don't understand. I think it is very rare for a serious relationship to end up in nothing more than a friendship, it might be possible but I can say I have never once seen it happen. I have seen MANY times people pretending to be friends for a while in attempts to sabotage their ex. Like a wolf in sheeps clothing, pretending to be friends but always operating with ulterior motives, sometimes not even obvious to themselves.

 

Do not think that just because you are still friends, that your ex has your best interests in mind. Unfortunately, most people are far too self serving for that.

 

If you really care about yourself, and you ever really cared about your ex, please just say goodbye and let it go.

[coolcol]

You have to remember we are not ALL like you.

 

Yes most times its best to move on from an ex without clinging to old memories or better days, most times it is hard to stay PROPER friends with ex's anyway..............But i have an ex wife who is now one of my BEST friends!.....yes we moved on with our own lives and both have new partners, but when you spend 18 years with someone and have 3 kids together and someone who knows you inside out it is hard to pretend they never existed!

 

I have moved on from most of my ex's and apart from saying a brief 'Hello' in the street or shopping etc like you said I have no desire to want to know anything about them or keep them as friends, but I disagree that you cant or shouldnt stay friends with an ex, it all depends on individuals, their time spent together, their situations and their expectations of what benifits such a friendship can provide.

 

To be true friends with an ex requires that you BOTH move on and dont harbour secret desires to get back or interfer with the others lives. You dont care who they are with or worry about their new relationships.

 

The only thing that hampers such friendships is the effect on new partners an ex could have if they become TO friendly and make the new partner feel something other than friendship still exsists. Its different wit hkids involved i know cos you are forced to keep contact due to them.

 

But after being divorced for 5 years now i can still ring my ex-wife over anything from advice on my relationship problems to how to make money on ebay! I know she cares for me and my self being without having any desires to be with me again or me with her.......