My husband hates my parents

[agent1607307371]

I feel like I'm trapped

He won't let me leave ! It's just not that easy

 

It is. Leaving is not something he has to allow you, he's not your owner.

 

Tell your mom about his behaviour, there are shelters, there are people out there who can help you put a plan together an get out. His behaviour is scary. Legitimately scary.

[journeynow]

Is this true?: Your mom has trouble with money. You are newlyweds. Your mom paid for your wedding yet could not make the car payment on time and did not tell you.

 

When did you find out? When did you tell your husband? (Before or after the wedding?)

 

I think you should take a deep breath. I don't think this is about your mother being "good" and your husband "evil". It helps the situation if you define the behavior, not label it with a broad brush.

 

In this situation he is upset or angry with your mother. He doesn't want her around. Maybe it is good to let him cool off and have some credit repair happen. He may feel that she disrespected both of you by not meeting her obligation and lying about it. (Which might be true, it sounds disrespectful to me. I know things happen, but I don't agree with paying for the wedding if you can't pay your bills.) If the truth is that your parents have bad credit, and it is affecting you (and thus, affects him), then him telling his parents is his choice. (It is not evil, and not necessarily to embarrass your parents.) I'm not sure how to take your description of your marriage, or why you use language such as cruel and evil. You say you suffer from anxiety and that may be affecting your ability to see things objectively. We really don't know what his behavior is like. I'm not defending him, but it's hard to see if he is evil and cruel based simply on what little you have shared. At least in the opening post. Maybe there is more I've missed.

[journeynow]

Ok, I read about the firetruck, and yes, it sound like he has anger issues. If I were you, I'd be firm about marriage counseling, and perhaps go live with Mom until things are worked on.

[Lester]

It's just not that easy

 

Tell us why.

[Sofia87]

We have dated for 2 1/2 years and got married 6 months ago

I never knew til now that he was on medication for bipolar , Also had no idea that he had anger issues til we got married . To be honest other than the honeymoon incident and now him finding out my mom ruined my credit he has gone bonkers . My mother did clear my name from car and got rid of it but he still can't fathom that my credit is ruined ... I 100% understand why he would be upset I'm piss as well but then again when I consign he wasn't in my life

I know right now he can't stand my mom but his now getting violent and basically crazy

If I leave right now it's just going to get more chaos

[Sofia87]

We have dated for 2 1/2 years and got married 6 months ago

I never knew til now that he was on medication for bipolar , Also had no idea that he had anger issues til we got married . To be honest other than the honeymoon incident and now him finding out my mom ruined my credit he has gone bonkers . My mother did clear my name from car and got rid of it but he still can't fathom that my credit is ruined ... I 100% understand why he would be upset I'm piss as well but then again when I consign he wasn't in my life

I know right now he can't stand my mom but his now getting violent and basically crazy

Honestly I'm scared to leave

I have no1 to talk to about this

[Wiseman2]

Yes you do. Call a domestic violence hotline to speak to someone confidentially and for free. They will listen and give you information, advice and support and guide you. You also have family and friends to talk to.

Honestly I'm scared to leave .I have no1 to talk to about this

[abitbroken]

We have dated for 2 1/2 years and got married 6 months ago

I never knew til now that he was on medication for bipolar , Also had no idea that he had anger issues til we got married . To be honest other than the honeymoon incident and now him finding out my mom ruined my credit he has gone bonkers . My mother did clear my name from car and got rid of it but he still can't fathom that my credit is ruined ... I 100% understand why he would be upset I'm piss as well but then again when I consign he wasn't in my life

I know right now he can't stand my mom but his now getting violent and basically crazy

If I leave right now it's just going to get more chaos

 

You can leave while he is not home - or find a way to leave by saying you are going out to the grocery store and then you don't come back. You only come back to the house with others escorting there and being with you to get a few things. If you take a few things to the parents or someone else's ahead of time - old family pictures that can't be replaced, your important papers and your one or two most treasured things that are not replaceable - then if you leave, there will be nothing at the house that you really need if you never go back. And there are some states that have the Baker act. If someone is hurting people and is mentally unstable - and you take them to the emergency room or some medical facilities - they have to admit them until they are under control. This is not a straightforward case of him merely being abusive - it sounds like a mental problem that is out of control if he is now not properly taking his meds or they are not working. Honestly - has he ever had mood swings, etc, or impulsive behavior before this? I am not saying you have to stay because he has a problem - I am saying that you can get more help on your side if he does. Honestly, if he hits you and/or acts very violently, tearing things up, etc, I would call the cops.

[Seraphim]

Violent people need to be removed by the police. Then you contact a lawyer.

[tattoobunnie]

My friend planned things out, and found a new place to live. When my friend's husband went on a business trip, she had a friend and mom help her move. All the while never telling him. She is now happily divorced.

 

What's worse - getting killed by him, or telling friends and family your situation, so they can help you?

[youareworthy]

Dearest Sophia87,

 

I was dating/married to an abuser for 17 years. The signs that you are also married to an abuser are crystal clear:

 

1. He hid his bipolar, rage, and jealousy from you until after your wedding.

I never knew til now that he was on medication for bipolar

Also had no idea that he had anger issues til we got married

He is very jealous (which never showed when we were together)

 

2. He is irrationally paranoid and jealous about your ex.

we were at the gift shop and (he) notice I was looking at a fire truck for my nephew to buy since he loves all firemen And cop stuff his 4 !! and my husband felt this type of way, thinking I still had feelings for my ex which was a firemen and he went crazy!!!

 

3. He destroys objects when he is enraged.

Broke the fire truck

rip my bath suits up

 

4. He tried to prevent you from swimming, or more likely, to prevent other men from seeing you in a bathing suit, by ripping up your bathing suits.

rip my bath suits up so I went go swimming

 

5. He is verbally abusive (name calling, belittling) of both you and your mom, and knows he is hurting you with his words.

he called her every name in the book

talking about her religion .. It hurts me so much to know that my husband is saying such cruel things about my mom

called me all names

my husband just wants to argue n belittle my mom ... N it hurts

 

6. His rage is way out of proportion to the things that trigger his rage.

Broke the fire truck

rip my bath suits up

Now my husband hates her for messing up her daughter's credit!

I never knew a car would mess up a relationship with my parents n my husband

My husband is known for having anger issues

it was just horrible (his behavior on your honeymoon)

 

7. He seeks to isolate you from your family, and to turn his family against yours.

he threatened me saying she's not allowed in our home

His even going so low to tell his parents that my parents have bad credit to just be mean and embarrass them!!

I have no one to talk to about this

 

8. His crazy, violent behavior has escalated over the six months of your marriage.

To be honest other than the honeymoon incident and now him finding out my mom ruined my credit he has gone bonkers

he's now getting violent and basically crazy

 

9. He expresses his anger physically, which will soon include being violent towards you.

Broke the fire truck

rip my bath suits up

he's now getting violent and basically crazy

 

10. You are afraid to leave him.

I feel like I'm trapped

He won't let me leave!

It's just not that easy

Honestly I'm scared to leave

 

11. Your gut is telling you that he is dangerous to you.

I did think about leaving him once I came home from honeymoon

He can be EVIL at times

when I look back at these whole situation I don't know if my marriage will last long

 

12. You are trying to change yourself, even medicating YOURSELF, to calm HIS anger, to make this situation more tolerable.

now his just getting to the point that I'm popping in a xanex before I get home because I know his super upset

 

13. He is talking down to you, treating you like a child, like it's his job to teach you lessons.

But other than telling me ok, what u did was wrong never do it again I hope u learned ur lesson

I totally learned my lesson I get it

 

14. He denies that there are any problems, and refuses to see a professional.

(An abusive person knows that a counselor will spot the abuse, and will help you get out from under his control).

He won't get help no counseling nothing ! He thinks we're perfect!!!

 

15. He is using words and physical intimidation to control whether you stay or leave.

If I leave right now it's just going to get more chaos

I feel like I'm trapped

He won't let me leave!

It's just not that easy

 

16. You feel powerless against this man, this situation.

all I can do is pray and hope God will change my husband.

 

I prayed for 17 years that God would change/heal my husband. I finally realized that it was my husband's decision to really change or not. God didn't overrule my ex's free will. At the same time, I realized that I did have the power to leave. I called a battered wives' shelter, and within 3 days, my little kids and I were safely out of there.

 

If you are afraid to leave NOW, this early on, imagine the hell your marriage will be if you stay. Please believe me, these situations NEVER get better, only much worse.

 

And you REALLY don't want to bring innocent and impressionable children into such a hell. Though you, as an adult, may have a measure of resilience because of growing up with a supportive family, brand new babies don't arrive fully emotionally formed, with a good supportive family background to strengthen them to endure abuse. The abuse messes them up.

 

Please, please call a domestic abuse shelter today (when he is not around) and tell them what is happening. They will help you develop an exit plan so you can leave safely. Here is a web address to help you: OR Here is the phone number: 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).

Do not wait or hesitate to call for help. Get help now before he seriously hurts you or worse.

 

 

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]11111[/ATTACH]

 

 

Also read this Power and Control Wheel carefully. If you read anything on there and think, "Yes, this has happened with my husband," then you are dealing with abuse.

 

Please keep us posted on your safety. We care about your well-being.

 

Youareworthy

[abitbroken]

2. You are trying to change yourself, even medicating YOURSELF, to calm HIS anger, to make this situation more tolerable.

 

YES. I went through many lengths to try to fix ME. You need to get out of this while you still have some sense of self.

[youareworthy]

Is there someone else on ENA who has a working link for the Power and Control Wheel? I have seen it displayed on ENA before by others. When I uploaded my image of it, it is not working.

 

Thanks.

 

Youareworthy

[abitbroken]

[youareworthy]

Thank you for putting up that link, abitbroken. I appreciate seeing it come up immediately!

 

The first P&C wheel I ever saw has an important extra part that the one above leaves out. On the rim of the wheel are written many different kinds of physical abuse. My eyes were finally opened when I read the rim of the wheel and recognized that my husband had physically abused me in most of the ways listed there.

 

If you search for The Fulton County Family Violence Task Force, you will find it there.

 

Another group, The Domestic Violence and Abuse Center, also has this version. From the home page, look for the menu on the left, and click on Domestic Violence. It has a great description of what domestic violence and abuse is, and has a lightly colored version of the chart. That one page is so helpful!!

 

I hope that Sophia87, and anyone else who is in an abusive setting, will examine these charts and get help!

 

Youareworthy