Trying to forget... complicated (Very Long)

[RandomAdvisor]

This May will be my 4 year anniversary with my girlfriend. We met as juniors in high school, now we're juniors in college. We connected with each other instantly and shared first time sexual experiences and first love. Everything was perfect until we had to go to college. I stayed at home to attend a school in our city, but she went to a school that's a 4 hour drive away. We stayed together, and talked to each other very often on the phone. I missed not seeing her everyday, but I loved her and thought all was well. I was wrong. In february she cheated on me. This was two years ago.

 

One night out of the blue she says she thinks we should break up. She said she was curious about seeing other people. I proceeded to cry like a baby and beg her not to leave me for the next hour. She cried as well, but I cried more. And oh god, how I begged. I told her how she was the only good thing in my life, please don't leave, me, I'm nothing without you, yada yada yada. Finally, she reluctantly (and I do mean reluctantly, I remember the tone in her voice) said "Ok, I'll stay with you." For another hour after that I pressed her for details on more reasons why she wanted to break up with me. Being the self conscious person that I am, I assumed everything was my fault.

 

She agreed.

 

Reason after reason after reason was given. Little things, and not so little things that I had done and failed to do to make her happy. I didn't tell her how beautiful she was anymore, she always had to call me and I never called her, etc. etc. It all made perfect sense at the time. Of course! I was an idiot and taking her for granted. She also said she wanted me to visit her up at her college, or vice versa, which also made perfect sense. But there were other things she said that were different.

 

I come from a very dysfunctional family, and have two brothers that are high school drop outs and former drug dealers. I myself am an amazing anecdotal case for nature over nurture. I never did drugs, was an honors student in school, etc. But my girlfriend mentioned my family, and said she was afraid our family would be like that if we ever got married. Or, at the very least, she'd be ashamed to have my idiot brothers over for dinner, or our kids having bad cousins because of them. How the hell am I supposed to change that? But it made perfect sense! I was a total idiot for being born into a bad family, and should beg her forgiveness.

 

Then, there was the low of the low. My eating. I could spend hours writing about it, so I'll try to keep it short. Ever since I was a baby, I've had an "eating disorder." EVERYONE thought something was wrong with me as an infant. They could hardly get me to eat anything. I wouldn't even drink milk. Despite the fact that everyone was convinced something was wrong with me, no one took me to a doctor about it. Instead, my father tried scare tactics and told me I would die before becoming a teenager because of the way I ate. I believed him until I was 8 years old, but felt powerless to change myself. Anything I ate that wasn't junk food tasted disgusting to me and made me sick. I endured years of being teased by other kids at lunch because of my eating. I never ate hot dogs or hamburgers. In hindsight with psychology classes I've taken, I think I suffered from generalized acquired taste aversion. You know when you eat something and it makes you sick, and from then on that food tastes bad to you even if there's nothing wrong with it? I think I was given a food as an infant that I had a bad experience with, and that was the start of my problem. My parents handled it very poorly and made things worse. My diet has since expanded, but is still quite limited compared to the average person.

 

So my girlfriend brought up my eating. She was afraid I'd be a bad influence on our future children. You can't imagine how unbelievably guilty I felt when she said that, even if it didn't make much sense. I swore to try and change. Up until that point I thought our relationship was perfect, and her trying to dump me crushed that illusion. Even so, stange as it may sound, I loved her even more after that. I suppose it was the "You don't know what you've got until it's gone" effect. I tried a couple of new foods (ate my very first hamburger at age 21), and visited at her school the next weekend. All was well.

 

Flash forward a week to us talking on the phone again. She starts a "hypothetical" conversation about cheating, and wether or not you should tell your girlfriend/boyfriend you've done it after the fact. I think I said it depends on the circumstances exactly, to which she asked "What if its just kissing?"

 

"Then I'd have to tell you and hope you forgive me."

 

"I have bad news."

 

Only then did it finally hit me, right in the pit of my stomach. She had cheated on me.

 

"Did you kiss someone else?"

 

"Yes."

 

Two seconds later. "I forgive you."

 

I barely even hesitated. I forgave her immediately. That was a mistake. It turns out the real reason she tried to dump me was because she got drunk at some stupid frat party and ended up making out with a guy for 10 minutes. She says that's all that happened and I believe her. As cheating goes that's relatively miner, but it wasn't just the kissing, it was everything else.

 

I could understand wanting to break up with me. It's a long distance relationship and maybe it wouldn't work. But instead of breaking up with me clean and just hanging up after making it very clear it's over, she says "maybe" we should break up. Then she lets me cry and beg and make a fool of myself for an hour! AN HOUR. And then instead of admitting what she'd done, she blames everything on me, bringing up all these miner things that made me feel so guilty. And she made me ashamed of one of the most traumatic parts of my life, my weird eating habits. I rememberd the way she said "I'm curious now" and it seemed so obvious to me. But it never occurred to me as she said it because I trusted her so, so much. And she could have told me in person when I visited her at school, but she didn't.

 

Of course none of these things occurred to me in the two second delay before I forgave her. The only thing I thought was "Who the hell are you kidding? You know you can't stay mad at her." So I forgave her instantly. And she responded by being so completely unapologetic that it was amazing. I forgave her before she said she was sorry, and she never apologized to me. I had to demand an apology from her two days later.

 

It's been two years now, and we're still together. I still love her, but I've never felt the same way about her again.

 

I bounced back after our phone conversation where she tried to dump me, but I never bounced back after she admitted to kissing the other guy. For weeks I was angry at her, but I thought it would be forgotten. It hasn't. I can't forget it. I think of it constantly. The anger it gone, but it's been replaced by a sort of... emptiness.

 

If this incident had never occurred, I honestly think we would be engaged right now, and that's partially why I think of it so much. I still love her, I really do, but not the way I used to. We haven't had any problems since then. We talk to each other on the phone 3 or 4 times a week, and get to see each other once or twice a month if not more. But emotionally, I'm at a standstill.

 

I need to vent. I want to curse at her for it, and scream at her, and make her feel guilty, and make her beg me not to leave her the way she let me beg. But I can't because she's too fragile. She's one of those girls who begins to cry uncontrollably during the smallest of arguments. Her, her sister, and her mother all cry at the drop of a hat. And as much as I want to hurt her for what she did to me and the way she made me feel, I don't want to hurt her. I can't stand to hurt her, can't stand to see her cry... because I love her. I'm torn.

 

If we had met later in life we'd be married already. I'm sure of it, we connect that much. We're like two sides of the same coin. As much as I know she's the one for me I couldn't think of marrying her now because of this one unresolved issue. The funny thing is right now I trust her. I don't even worry about her cheating on me. Right now. But would she still be faithful to me after years and years of marriage when she has other men flirting with her and telling her how beautful she is?

 

I've thought of trying to have a civil conversation with her about it, but then I think I might just be bringing up old wounds from the past that should be left alone.

 

Did I miss my opportunity to curse her out the way I should have so I could have moved on? Is the way I feel now my own fault, am I just being too insecure? How long until I finally forget it? I don't know, maybe posting this message will be enough. I wont know until I hit the "submit" button...

 

(edited out $%^'s)

[Sn0man]

You have a good case to be angry with her. After all, she made you feel like the guilty one and put you in a position to compromise you own integrity for her mistake. That's just wrong, and if I were you, I'd be angry too. Before it eats you up, like it's obviously doing because you're here, I would vent to her. Tell her how you feel about what she did. Because it was so long ago it will be easier to talk about. I hear alot of what you're saying because i have had similar problems, even having one right now, but this isn't about me. If you want to continue a relationship with this person, you need to do it with a clear consience. Deal with the issues at hand so you can grow together if that's what you want.

 

Good luck and take care

 

Sn0

[sonjam]

some_guy282,

 

 

 

There's so many things I want to say to you, it's hard for me to find a starting point!!

 

Ok, let me start by saying I had the same experience you had, met in high school, first love, first everything, mine lasted 7 years, we did get married, and he cheated, lots, often. Always confessing, and always bringing me down, making it my fault. It wasn't.

 

Enough about me, I wanted to let you know my background, so you can see that I speak from the heart.

 

When you are still young, and in high school, and even college, a person tend to not have a lot of respect for other's feelings. They often say brutal things that could hurt a person, and they don't realise that the are doing far more damage than good. BUT. If you actually pick away at a persons self esteem, his habits, his FAMILY, it is conscious, and malicious. She might cry at the drop of a hat, but it's all a show. It's been a long time since Ive read about a girl that's this manipulative. It's usually the guys!! Of course she's sweet and kind, and you love her, but she has a dark side.

 

What Im trying to get at, is a relationship is built on trust, and respect. Those are the two building blocks. If you look at the things she told you, do you actually think she respects you? And you say you trust her now, but you don't really believe yourself do you, if you cant forgive and forget, and say it doesn't bother you anymore, I think you really just care less now. You've been hurt, now you have ice around your heart.

 

I come from a dysfunctional family too. My 3 uncles have all been in jail for this and the other, 2 of them have been released, and sometimes when I visit my mom, who has my gran living with her, those people show up to visit my gran. I get really really embarrassed, but you know what, my new family have to deal with it, I did not choose them, and I'm not like them. EVERYBODY has a skeleton in the closet as far as family goes. TRUST ME. Some just hide it better than others.

 

You obviously realise that all the things she told you, the attack on your eating, and all the rest of it was done to manipulate you into believing it's all your fault, while she's been doing bad things.

 

You are just staying with her, because she's your first, and you can't bear to see her hurt. In 20 years from now, you are going to hate her for that. You will realise you should have moved on with your own life, meet new people and experience them too, like she did and probably will do again. But where will you find the strenth to do what you know what must be done?? I don't know, I just hope it will come to you before you marry her, have kids, and then leave.

 

Another thing i wanted to say, is agree with Sn0man. You will have to talk about it if you are interested in saving this relationship. Yes it will be an old wound that you will scrath open, but that wound is festering, and not healing. It needs a good scratch and clean up. Once that is done, it will have a chance at healing, and you might be able to save the relationship, and rekindle the love you felt for her. If not, then it might be the time to restructure your relationship!!

 

Feel free to talk anytime you want to.

[melrich]

Ho Some guy,

 

What a great post. One of the best written posts I've read on this forum. You sound like a funny guy!

 

Anyway you did not want all that brown nosing I am sure. I was so entertained by your post I have forgotten what the issue was and my response to it.

 

Oh yeah...I think you missed your opportunity. If you bring it up now you'll look churlish. It was only a kiss or so!!

 

If you have to get really drunk together and bring it up...you'll either laugh each other to death or kill each other.

 

Let us know what you do.....and try and post more often.

[PrincessLinzay]

Hello SomeGuy~

 

Welcome to enotalone. I would have to agree that at this point, it's a little late to bring up a kiss which occurred 2years ago.

 

When cheating happens, there's really only two things that can be done. You either forgive, (and that means really forgive, can't throw it back in their face, have to let it go), or, break up. You opted for the former, and I can see that you're struggling with that decision now.

 

It was unfair of her to place the blame on you, and especially to attack things about you which seem to have been out of your control. It isn't uncommon though. When someone does something wrong, and they feel guilty about it, they often times shift the blame to exonerate themselves of any wrongdoing. This seems to be the road she took.

 

Try and think about all the reasons that you have stayed with her these past two years. Think of that situation as a fresh start. You've already accomplished more than most people who have been cheated on. You learned to trust her again.

 

Hang in there!

[Cecelius]

Your post has a ton of issues in it, and you probably already know that, but frankly, you are living through what happens when you let shady activity happen.

 

First she tried to break up with you. She said "maybe" because she was an insecure little girl who didn't know what she wanted, wanted it to be your fault (your fault whether you broke up or remained together). You begged, she lost respect -- she figured she could do what she wanted, and she did.

 

As you note, its good that the cheating was so minimal -- but honestly, when a girl says she wants to break up, it's done and you should move on. She felt like she was doing you a favor by staying with you (some people claim that this is loyalty at its finest) but she also felt entitled to sneak around on you.

 

Do you really, honestly believe that that's all that happened or that she's never, ever done it again (at her school 4 hours away where she drinks and goes to frat parties).

 

I think you've let this simmer too long, and basically you now hate her (and yourself) a little for what happened. At the time, you ought to have taken the view that college girls get drunk and get attention (as do college boys), and its a very rare person who can stay true to a relationship at that age. You should have calmly dumped her on the spot.

 

And basically where are you now? 2 years of resentment later.

 

Maybe she was young and dumb, maybe she's better now, but:

 

1) She read your faults out to you with no sense of loyalty to you

2) She tried to dump you AND MAKE IT YOUR FAULT

3) She cheated on you

 

I bet you can (and should) find a different girl.

[seg172]

I have just started get involved in these chats, but I can offer you my best advice since I have been where you are.

 

Quick overview, I am with my boyfriend for six years. He was my first everything. I met him my first year of college. I dated him up until now, and I can put myself in her shoes, so maybe I will give you a better perspective on things.

 

SHe loves you, make no mistake. But there is a time in everyone's life where they become curious about others. You can have the most wonderful relationship in the world, but if there has been no one else, than it is really hard for you to realize what you have. There is no benchmark.

My boyfriend for the most part was perfect. He was the envy of all my friends and family. He brought me flowers, told me I was beautiful, hung out with my friends, told his friends he was madly in love with me. We had all the same goals and dreams, jokes and everything. Like you, two sides of the same coin. But I still questioned it.

Once in College while he was on a study abroad, I kissed another guy. I didn't like him, but it just happened. I wanted to know what it was like. He was the same as you. when I called and told him. Cried on the phone, but forgave me.

I never forgot that. I realized how much he loved me and it was so endearing and I loved him for it. As I am sure your girlfriend does.

But, I am getting to my point now.

2 years later I left the country and was on my own, and the feeling that I wanted to know what it was like to be with others. I loved my boyfriend, but I was scarred of being with him. So, I broke up with him, after I had kissed someone. He again begged me not to do it. So I didn't, but then again, I ended up fully cheating on him majorly for months after we were engaged. It was so much worse than if I had just hung up the phone instead the first time I tried to break up with him.

Which brings me to the reason why you are feeling this way.

When girls have questions, they don't necessarily go away. I am sure she loves you, and I am sure she asks herself what else she might need. But if she was curious once, she will be curious again.

And I think that is what you are worried about. It is not that things are perfect, probably they are, but I am sure she still has questions, and out of love, has not done anything about them......Yet

There is a very famous overused quote that says:

If you love something, set it free

If it comes back to you, it is meant to be

and if not.....

But, it makes sense. If I were you, I wouldn't be worried about confronting her with your anger, I would be worried about confronting her with her curiousness and her feelings. Make her feel comfortable, and make her see you are strong, if you don't she will never come clean.

[notmyself24]

Wow, someguy...your story sounds like my bf w/his ex- together since 16- first everything to each other & then when he turned 24- out of nowhere- bam! She left him after spending the weekend w/him (their usual thing) making love & the whol gamit- poor guy NEVER saw it coming. She just started arguing w/him over petty things.

 

Like you, he cried & begged & emailed her & sent vms on her cell crying (she never picked up). She sent him an email (I read it) saying how much she loves him, they talked about marriage, & they grew together, but she wanted to see whatelse was out there- this was 8 years we're talking about, they were attached at the hip from hs-college like you 2!

 

This still traumatizes him which is an underlying problem in our current relationship. he's 26 now, this happened about 2 years ago. Since then, he had met & fallen in love w/another woman who taught him how to love again (blah), but she was separated & went back to her husband after dating my bf for 2 months- this hurt him very badly & they were still hanging out (before I met him) & she calls him from time to time- he used to pick up, but since he met me (he's trying not to f-us up...) he has been severing ties with that woman.

 

My bf cries & he is also manipulitive. Sure I see faults in him- I can imagine 8 years of being with someone- in your case 6--at lease you know what she did, to a point. However, you still don't know if she is cheating or considering it for the future. You have every reason in the world to be unsettled.

 

I had chills reading your post b/c this hits so close to home- we have problems, yet I love him dearly- its just that so much of her is still within him- she made him who she is today it pains me not to know the true reason why she left him- did he do something..was he the messed up one all along- if I knew, it would help me decide if he is the victim or the manipulative creep (I sometimes think he might be)...

 

Well, as you can tell I have my own issues too- we all do. Thats my point. I'm sorry to hear about your eatingdisorder...well, if she truly loves you, she should accept the whole package you have to offer...maybe you are staying together out of fear of the unknown (at least you may be). Try being open minded & realize what is outside of that little world you 2 have created- you just may be surprised.

 

I really wish my bf could read your post & you 2 could chat- I swear, he thinks he sees her in the most random places, then he gets all bent out of shape & starts acting strange- I hope if you break it off w/your gf, you don't take it out on the next one-do the right thing for you: she wasn't thinking of your feelings (very much) in the past. Sometimes it pays to be cold hearted (trust me its not in my nature either). Poisonus people should just be cut out of our lives swiftly, even if there is alot of pain & a big gash left behind, like any wound, it will heal . Taje care of yourself, you sond like a good guy.

[yeawutever]

U DON'T DESERVE HER, SHE ALREADY SHOW U HOW SELFISH AND SELF-CENTERED SHE IS AND UNTRUSTFORTHY, GO THROW HER OUT, AND WHEN U DO SAY " GO SCREW WHOEVER U WERE WITH WHEN U CHEATED AND DON'T COME BACK TO ME" U DESERVE BETTER, IF U WERE WITH ME, I DEFINITELY WOULDN'T EVER CHEAT, PLUS I DON'T DRINK EITHER, NEVER DID AND NEVER WILL.

[RandomAdvisor]

Wow. I was surprised to see this old post get bumped. I was actually visiting her and in her dorm room when I saw it had a new reply to it, but I didn't feel like writing a reply at the time. I remember the first night I posted this I was hitting refresh intently every few minutes. It didn't get many replies and in the end I didn't reply at all. I also chose to do nothing about it. Eventually though this topic did end up coming up recently, because she asked me how I first came accross this site. I sometimes mention this site to her, and some of the stories I see on it. So one day about a month ago she asked me how I came accross the site after I was talking about a story I read on it. So I told her. Still feeling bad about the whole cheating thing, a google search for "my GF cheated on me," and described my post. I could tell she felt guilty.

 

On the whole I must say the replies have been on average pretty cynical. I guess it's easy to make my GF come accross as a vile scum sucking $%^& when all I've mentioned about her is the worst moment in our relationship. But, as PrincesLinzay pointed out, there are plenty of reasons I have stayed with her. I'll go through all the replies and comment on them.

 

sonjam -

 

I think you're wrong about my GF being manipulative. If I thought you were right, I would have dumped her by now. As far as the whole crying thing, it really is the way she is along with her mom and sister. Sappy moments at TV shows...anything. They cry very easily. When I visited her this week it was a surprise and she cried when she saw me. Yes, I know she respects me and we trust each other, despite what happened. I've forgiven her, but I don't think I'll ever be able to forget. I think about it a couple of times a day on average. There's never any emotional value attached to it though. I just think about it. I wonder how often other people remember their partner cheating on them even after they've recovered from it.

 

melrich -

 

Uh, thanks.

 

This was my first post, so I have racked up a couple hundred since then. I try to keep my sense of humor in check though, because more often than not it's inappropriate to be cracking jokes with some of the deep personal issues people bring up on this site asking for advice. I can just picture the reaction...

 

Poster - My wife cheated on me! My son might not be mine...

 

Me - Aww....it's ok! Cheer up! Here, this joke will make you laugh. Two priests and a rabbi walk into a bar....

 

Yeah, that wouldn't go over too well. I do remember one post where I let my sense of humor fly, you can find it here.

 

link removed

 

Cecelius -

 

I think you make a good point about her being insecure at the time. If I had made this post a few weeks or months after it had happened, I probably would have followed your advice too. But it was two years later, two and a half now. We've stuck it out pretty well. She stopped going to frat parties, and whenever she drinks, it's only around me.

 

seg172 -

 

I also think you make a good point about the whole curiosity thing. I hadn't really thought about it that way too much.

 

Anyway, if anyone else is going to reply to this thread, one thing I'd like to know is how often people remember/think of their partner's infidelity after they've gotten over it? Or is that a paradox? Do you never think of it if you've really gotten over it?

[yeawutever]

ok well lol, 2 yrs and u never really ask her for details or throw that in her face when the cheating (kissing) occur. YES U LOST UR OPPOTUNITY AND ITS WAY TOO LATE NOW. IF U MENTION THAT TO HER, SHE'LL PROLLIE GET MAD. So just let it go, its way to lattttteeeeeeeee now.

[RandomAdvisor]

I'm not even considering bringing it up to her. That's no longer an issue. As far as just letting it go, as anyone who's been cheated on knows - that's much easier said than done. However, for the most part I have.