Need another point of view.

[Omgplzhelp]

OK so here is a quick background for our relationship. I'm a 26 year old female dating a 30 year old male (we will call him Jon for ease of reading purposes). We have been together for 4years. Plans to marry in the future. No chance of breaking up.

 

So my dilemma:

Jon and I have really hit it off from day one. After several months of dating, I casually mentioned about possibly having sex. He stated that he wanted to wait until marriage. I respected his decision and beliefs even though I have no desire to wait nor am I a virgin. So through the years the lack of sex has really been a good thing - I learned to love Jon for every aspect of who he is. But I definitely feel lack of something. I avoided the topic for the most part over a few years (partly because it took me a while to gather up courage to ask him about it the first time, not wanting to get rejected). We have spoken about kids eventually as long as the time is right (so subtly he said that we will have sex). He avoids certain bodily contact (like we are laying in bed and I place his hand on my breast or butt - he quickly moves his hand away). But then we could be sitting watching TV and holding hands and he sets our folded hands on his crotch.

And we have never had a kiss with the use of tongue.

 

I was cleaning the one day and I noticed that in one of his drawers was a trial pack of Viagra with one pill missing.

 

Being that sex isn't a big topic between us I honestly do not know if he has ever had sex, if he has e.d. and is avoiding telling me about it, or he just has some old fashioned respect and personal values

 

I'm not sure if I am overreacting but I need some advice or voice of reason. I've really never had a partner that didn't want to have sex. I'm looking for some ideas as to what men think about this and if any women out there are experiencing a similar situation. I know I probably should speak to him more about sex. But if the reason he is avoiding is related to e.d. don't you think he should tell me ?

 

Thank you all for advice

[ThatwasThen]

If he doesn't want to have sex until marriage and you have been dating for 4 years, then when, as the song suggests, does he plan on putting a ring on it? Are you going to date him indefinitely and settle for his frigid ways for a LIFE time? Has he mentioned wanting to marry you?

 

Not only do I think he has E.D. problems, I believe he may just be A-sexual and selfish if he's not even attempting to sexually satisfy you in other ways. If you're okay being in a sexless union then by all means carry on but this thread suggests you're not okay with it.

[Clinton]

Are you willing to accept a sexless marriage? Because even men and women who wait till marriage for intercourse know how to pleasure each other in other ways.

 

He's isn't waiting for marriage out of respect. He's either a closeted homosexual or asexual or so sexually repressed it's going to take years of counselling to try and make him normal.

[Omgplzhelp]

We picked out a ring. No clue when the proposal will be. I was wondering if he has asexual issues.

The sexless relationship bothers me a bit. I think because I am ready to do it. I know I should probably talk to him about it all but bringing it up makes me nervous. We get along so well and I know he wouldn't do anything that he knows would hurt me in anyway.

[ThatwasThen]

We picked out a ring. No clue when the proposal will be. I was wondering if he has asexual issues.

The sexless relationship bothers me a bit. I think because I am ready to do it.

What will you do when you're "ready to do it" when you're married yet he's just happy to roll over and go to sleep 362 days of the year? (factoring in a couple of days of "giving into the nag)

 

I know I should probably talk to him about it all but bringing it up makes me nervous. We get along so well and I know he wouldn't do anything that he knows would hurt me in anyway.

He may not even know that what hurts you is something he's either doing or not doing though. Yes, you SHOULD talk to him about it. Start by asking him about the Viagra you found minus one pill. You don't want to be in a sexless marriage do you?

[Clinton]

I think youre being fairly naïve here. This really really isn't normal. Not even normal for those who are chaste until marriage.

[Omgplzhelp]

I guess. Just go on with what I've been doing. I'm not really sure what to do. I came to this forum looking for reasons as to why we are lacking in this department and to get advice from others experiencing this. Surely other couples have this dilemma

[Wiseman2]

Asexual people do not buy viagra

I was cleaning the one day and I noticed that in one of his drawers was a trial pack of Viagra with one pill missing

[Omgplzhelp]

True. I'm trying to think of all options. Just to ease my mind. For what it's worth that I forgot to mention is the Viagra is old (expired 2013)

[limichelle]

There is something odd about the Viagra I will say. I would ask him about that, that should be the first thing you bring up. I don't think he is asexual like Wiseman said. I think there is more going on beneath the surface then just him saving himself for marriage. Before you get married address all of these issues.

 

Lisa

[ThatwasThen]

I guess. Just go on with what I've been doing. I'm not really sure what to do. I came to this forum looking for reasons as to why we are lacking in this department and to get advice from others experiencing this. Surely other couples have this dilemma

Most people leave people that are expecting a romantic relationship while being celibate. Unless you're a-sexual yourself, you are basically incompatible and you're settling for a pal who you share activities with.

 

 

Adding:

True. I'm trying to think of all options. Just to ease my mind. For what it's worth that I forgot to mention is the Viagra is old (expired 2013)

 

Even more indication of his a-sexuality. Have you the confidence enough to ask him if he masturbates? Knowing the he did would at least give you an answer if he is capable of achieving an erection.

[Omgplzhelp]

I'm definitely not asexual. Just extremely patient but am wearing thin. Just not sure what to think. Just want ideas before I confront again.

[ThatwasThen]

I'm definitely not asexual. Just extremely patient but am wearing thin. Just not sure what to think. Just want ideas before I confront again.

 

I added to my above post. DO you know if he masturbates? Surely after four years together you are confident enough to at least talk about sex and sexuality and what he THINKS would be pleasurable to him? Does he watch porn, read erotica? What are his favorite female parts? (boobs, legs, booty?)

 

You're adults and if you've never had adult conversations like that then I think you should be feeling some angst about this and getting it ironed out before you go any further with him.

 

Does he just "prefer" to wait until marriage with you or has he torn down that border in the past for someone else? Is he a virgin?

[TMifune]

Omgplzhelp,

 

If you're going to marry this man, you have to be willing to speak to him about things like this. it's on your mind enough that you're asking strangers, but mostly what you'll find is people guessing and judging. Tell your fiance you're having trouble waiting. Tell him you're concerned that his interest in sex won't go up after you're married. Talk about it.

 

Some people have strongly held beliefs about premarital sex.....and that could easily extend to other sexual activities. It moves them outside the "norm" (std dev from the mean) but that doesn't mean they're twisted or broken in some fashion. Just because most people are ruled by their biology doesn't mean that trying to take mastery over your urges is some kind of horrible thing.

 

Basically you have to have the conversation, and weigh what he says along with what he does and decide if that's a life you're interested in pursuing.

 

Edit: Probably best to think of it as a conversation instead of a confrontation. Confrontation makes it sound like he owes you sex and that there's no room to hear his position.

[Omgplzhelp]

I am working up the confidence for that conversation. And definitely need to work out the kinks here.

[Omgplzhelp]

Sorry still getting the hang of this app. Sorry if my replies are not congruent with the last reply.

 

I've never brought up anything about masturbation. We have literally had one direct conversation about sex and he said he wanted to wait. That was it. I never been in a relationship with someone who wanted to wait. So I dropped the issue and kept moving forward.

 

Hindsight is 20/20 with everyone's comments I am realizing that our sexual communication is lacking and I intend to start fixing that

[ThatwasThen]

Sorry still getting the hang of this app. Sorry if my replies are not congruent with the last reply.

 

I've never brought up anything about masturbation. We have literally had one direct conversation about sex and he said he wanted to wait. That was it. I never been in a relationship with someone who wanted to wait. So I dropped the issue and kept moving forward.

 

Hindsight is 20/20 with everyone's comments I am realizing that our sexual communication is lacking and I intend to start fixing that

Definitely the place to start, Omgplzhelp.

 

If he won't talk about it, then you would appear to have a real problem on your hands.

 

Good luck and keep us informed of any progress.

[Omgplzhelp]

Thank you.

[Omgplzhelp]

In fact I want to thank everyone who has been commenting on here. I appreciate the time you all are taking and helping me out. 😊

[melancholy123]

Please dont marry this guy until you and he have had several big talks about this problem. It is a big problem for you, and he seems to have his head in the sand about it. There's something strange/odd/unusual going on with him and you need to talk to him sooner rather than later. You've got incredible patience to put up with this for 4 years. I'd be long gone.

 

What are you going to do if you marry him and he still won't have sex with you?

[Zaphod]

Asexual people do not buy viagra

 

But people with erectile dysfunction, do - if you catch my drift.

 

OP - felt him get hard yet? If not, maybe it's not because of marriage that he doesn't want to have sex. Perhaps the viagra is a recent discovery of his.

 

Is he particularly religious? If not, then why does he not believe in sex before marriage?

[westguy1003]

You've been dating four years and had one legitimate conversation about sex a few months into the relationship four years ago and like 3 years and 8 months later you've NEVER talked about it again? Sorry, OP, but that's just really really strange. My girlfriend and I don't go four hours without talking about sex, let alone four years. I don't mean to come down on you too harsh about it but it's just very odd and makes me wonder what other things you aren't communicating about.

 

I'm a guy about his age and I dated a woman who was a virgin for four years so I've been on the other side but here's the thing: I was patient and cool with it to a point... and ultimately the lack of any kind of physical sexual contact was part of what drove us apart and ended the relationship. We didn't have one conversation about it in four years, we had four hundred conversations about it. We talked, fought, and argued over it several times and it was a bad scene all around.

 

So it's just really strange, to my way of thinking (and I think a lot of other people's) that you've just sort of went along with everything for the last four years like it's no big deal.

 

Anything is possible and obviously we don't know you or this guy one bit but if you show me a 30 year old guy (especially a guy!) who isn't interested in sex or some kind of sexual contact or even tongue kissing with a woman he loves... and there's NOT a religious aspect involved (and even if there is).. I'll show you a guy who's got something going on that you probably NEED to know about before you marry him. And I don't just mean ED. Even with a religious belief or some kind of upbringing that would sway him from it, I'd still expect there to be a dozen or so times where he came close or almost went for it.

 

Sure, having trouble getting it up is embarrassing for a guy and it might slow him down for a little while. But that guy is popping Viagra like they're Pez and loving every minute of it, not creating a story about how he wants to wait for marriage and waiting four years. Even a guy who's 100% sure he can't get it up is going to have a few beers one night and give it a try. No, there's something more going on here so your choices are basically

 

1. Strictly religious

2. Some kind of values instilled during his upbringing that sways him from sex

3. Abused or molested at a young age, turned him off from sex

4. Gay and ashamed

5. Asexual, in which case you're in for a rough marriage

6. Serial Killer sociopath. Check that conspicuously locked freezer in his basement for severed heads.

7. Just a really shy, nice, awkward virginal guy who doesn't want to.

 

I will say this though, the Viagra, to me, seems to actually be a point in your favor. If he got the samples during your relationship (and I assume he did since you said you've been together for four years and they were from 2013), and he took one of them- maybe he was feeling pressure to finally give it to ya and was worried he wouldn't be able to do it so he got some from the doctor to try and perform. Poor guy probably popped one and didn't know what to do with himself lol.

[TMifune]

6. Serial Killer sociopath. Check that conspicuously locked freezer in his basement for severed heads.

 

Listen, I understand that women are vulnerable and have to be careful. But the suggestion that every man who's just a little bit different from the "average" might necessarily be a serial killer really needs to stop.

 

From a Scientific American article:

 

Based on recent FBI crime statistics, there are approximately 15,000 murders annually, so that means there are no more than 150 victims of serial murder in the U.S. in any given year. The FBI estimates that there are between twenty-five and fifty serial killers operating throughout the U.S. at any given time.

 

So if we got by the higher number: 50. And we take the estimated US adult population as: 245,273,438

 

Then the odds of him being a serial killer are: 0.00002038 % That's one out of every 4,905,468 people. Obviously that presumes that men and women are equally likely to be serial killers, but even if you assume that all serial killers are men, that's still 1 in 2,452,734. Pretty insignificant odds I'd say.

 

For reference from the Powerball Lottery:

 

4 + Powerball $50,000 1 in 913,129.18

 

You have more than 2 1/2 times better chance of winning $50K in the Powerball than you do of encountering a serial killer.

 

I know you included this to be funny, and it's sorta funny, but there's also something really tragic about the fact that every guy who's a little "different" needs to be approached as though he's some kind of murderous monster.....especially when the norm for serial killers is that the blend in which is exactly the opposite of what guys like OP's fiance are doing......they're going against the norm not blending in.