How to right a wrong

[gerry101]

Hi all,

 

I thank everybody in advance for their help, looking forward to your replies.

 

I'm a guy in my late 20's that has made quite a large mistake.

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for 18 months, everything has been great, we have travelled a lot together, we have a lot of mutual friends, and we have a lot of great memories, totally in love (or was).

 

About 6 weeks ago my girlfriend went overseas for a 5 week backpacking trip.

 

To begin, I've never been unfaithful in a relationship before, and to top it off she and I have huge amounts of trust and respect for each other, like any good relationship should.

 

A couple of weeks after she left, I felt a slight void, unsure if it was nobody to talk to, no messages on my phone, or I was just bored. I downloaded an app (a friends app, not dating or hookup app) and started chatting to a girl on the app, and we continued to chat on the app and it was obvious she liked me and wanted to meet).

 

I had no intention of meeting her, but I did enjoy having somebody there to talk to. The messages were generally friendly chit chat nothingness, but at times progressed to quite flirty, plain creepy and suggestive messages, but hardcore sexual.

 

After two weeks of chatting to her I felt extremely bad with my behaviour and decided to say goodbye to her and delete the app. I never met her.

 

Fast forward another two weeks (2 days before my gf is due home), it seems this girl has somehow found out who my girlfriend is through Instagram and sent screenshots of a lot of our messages to her. Naturally my girlfriend is furious, and ended the relationship instantly.

 

This was one week ago. I have not seen her face to face or spoken to her since this happened, but we have exchanged quite a few messages. The first few days she called me many horrible names etc etc and I don't blame her for that. She continues to say we are over, and the next time she sees me face to face will be for closure and for me to collect my belongings. It seems she will read and reply to my messages for 10 mins, and then she will get angry and not talk. Because of this, I've tried to give her some space the last few days.

 

I've tried calling a couple of times, with no answer, and have sent her huge messages how I feel, how I'm disgusted with myself (which I genuinely am), full of remorse. I also wrote a very long letter and dropped it in her letterbox a few days ago, which she has read.

 

Today she agreed for me to go to her house tomorrow just to talk, as I insisted we need to see each other. She still seems extremely angry at me, however she now says "I'm pretty sure we're finished", so I see this as a positive in comparison to "we are finished".

 

So tomorrow I am going to her house to talk (it's been one week since she found out). I've done so much apologising already, so I plan to reiterate everything I've said, and practically promise her that nothing will ever happen again. She is still angry, but seems slightly calmer than one week ago.

 

I understand this is 100% my fault, I've broken all of the trust she had for me, and my behaviour is completely horrendous. It's not physical cheating, but I understand it's emotional cheating.

 

My queries are:

- How do I approach her, and what do I say? I'm assuming the chat will go for a long time, as long as it takes, and will likely be tears from both of us.

- How can I provide some form of comfort to her, that I'll never do something like this again?

- How can I let her know its genuine, rather than just empty apologies and words?

- Should I take a gift? (flowers, coffee, something bigger)?

- What are my chances?

 

I'm totally ashamed of myself, this girl is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

 

Thanks so much everybody.

 

G

[Chocolate25]

I'm not an expert in relationships and dating... I think it takes a while to learn from wrong to right depending upon the situation. I think in your case, it may take a while for you to learn.

[Cope]

 

I've tried calling a couple of times, with no answer, and have sent her huge messages how I feel, how I'm disgusted with myself (which I genuinely am), full of remorse. I also wrote a very long letter and dropped it in her letterbox a few days ago, which she has read.

 

I understand how you feel. This is what she is probably thinking though and if not, she should:

Do you feel remorse because you got caught? Did you feel disgusted with yourself the second, third, fourth...a hundred time you texted her? How will she ever trust you when she left for 5 weeks and when you felt "a void" you downloaded a dating app? Why didn't you just pop in a chat room if you felt like talking to someone? If she forgives you now, this will only make you think subconsciously "Ha, cool, i got away with it!".

 

I think that is pretty much what's going on in her mind. That said, you got A LOT of work to do!

 

 

 

- How do I approach her, and what do I say? I'm assuming the chat will go for a long time, as long as it takes, and will likely be tears from both of us.

- How can I provide some form of comfort to her, that I'll never do something like this again?

- How can I let her know its genuine, rather than just empty apologies and words?

- Should I take a gift? (flowers, coffee, something bigger)?

- What are my chances?

 

I'm totally ashamed of myself, this girl is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

 

Thanks so much everybody.

 

G

 

 

You beg, you apologize again and again and again and when you think you are done, you do it one more time, then repeat.

You can't provide comfort for her in one chat. In general she is gonna need time to think this through and i'm talking about time, like weeks maybe. So be patient and be prepared. I dunno about the gift, if you do decide to bring one, don't go for flowers or chocolates (and god forbid, coffee??) it's a universal sign of serial cheaters IMO. Go for something personal and sweet. If you can make it yourself ,even better.

 

You lost her trust rightfully. You are not starting from 0 you are starting from -100. So your chances are slim.

 

IF she accepts you back, you are going to go by her rules, even if she asks for your passwords etc (i don't agree with that, but some people would ask). You really need to do what she needs in order for her to feel safe again with you and this will take time and again it might fail. Just because she may give you a second chance, doesn't mean you gained her trust, it's just the starting line.

 

I know a couple that has survived this. Yet i forgave my ex for cheating and even though he was genuinely sorry, he did gain back my trust, i am pretty sure he cheated on me throughout the relationship emotionally for sure, probably physical too.

 

Is once a cheater, always a cheater true? Well, from my experience, unfortunately, yes. So besides on getting her back, you really need to find out why you did it. Was anything else wrong in the relationship? I've asked these questions to my ex and his answer was "I dunno why i did it". My closure was that he wasn't ready for a long term relationship. Are you?

 

So before you ask for her to forgive you and trust you again, dig deep and figure out if you would trust you again. Are you ready for a serious commitment? Did this made you realize you were? Or are you just panicking because of the situation and your knee jerk reaction is to get this relationship back the way it was. Maybe both of you are better off?

 

I hope everything goes the way you need it to go!

[Arora]

The fact you are making an effort shows that you are truly sorry. I don't think it's that bad what u did. You didn't meet or cheat on her and she needs to understand this and why you did this. The fact she wants you to come over for closure is an excuse to see you. I don't think she will really finish with you at all. Just grovel and she will come round.

[jujusamples]

First off, emotional cheating is a gray area! To me, it is still cheating. Yes, you really need to dig deep and find out why you did what you did? Was it because of her leaving on a trip without you? Did you fear that she would have found someone else? In other words, did your insecurities get the best out of you?

 

I personally think what you did was wrong, but it's also not that bad. The reason is because you realized you made a mistake and deleted the app. You didn't go forward with meeting up with that girl. To me it could be forgiven. With that being said, I think you need to give your girlfriend some time and space to absorb the whole thing. She just came back from a trip to find out this happened and not from you but the girl you were chatting with. It is a bit of a stab in the back!

 

By just bagging her everyday for forgiveness is not giving her any room to digest the news. I believe in time, she will forgive you if you could earn her trust back. It takes a lot more than gifts and calling her everyday. You would have to somehow reassure her over and over again that this will never happened again. Which in my opinion will be tough because you did this once, she will always think that you will do it again.

 

Do you think you could handle being in a relationship with constant reassurance because there is no doubt about it that your girlfriend will be more insecure because of what you did? Are you ready for the fact that your relationship with her will probably not be the same as it used to be? There are a million of questions you need to ask yourself before you talk to her about it. If you don't dig deep, you will get back together with just the same problems surfacing over and over again. I have seen this happened many times. For example; if your out and a pretty girl walks by, she will question you. If she catches you texting and on your phone all the time, she will question you and it goes on. That's what happens my friend, when you decide to cheat on your girlfriend. I believe you two could work things out if you really work hard at things and figure out what was the underlying issues that started all this. It is the only way to get closure and to move forward. I hope everything works out for you.

[jujusamples]

My queries are:

- How do I approach her, and what do I say? I'm assuming the chat will go for a long time, as long as it takes, and will likely be tears from both of us.

- How can I provide some form of comfort to her, that I'll never do something like this again?

- How can I let her know its genuine, rather than just empty apologies and words?

- Should I take a gift? (flowers, coffee, something bigger)?

- What are my chances?

 

I'm not sure how to do the quote thing so I just copied and paste!

 

Approach her lightly, as she is probably sensitive to you right now. Just keep it casual. Let her know what you just told us. That you're sorry, and explained how you realized you made a mistake and deleted the app. If you came up with why you did what you did, you could gently let her know. If she decides she doesn't want to hear it. Give her the time and space and say ... You get it, you will give her all the time she needs. (that also answers your next queries) from a female's prospective it's comforting when our significant other understands and shows that they are listening to us. Pretty much feel it out. Don't push anything on her for forgiveness and such.

 

She has been away for a while, is there something that she loves to eat here that she couldn't have when she was travelling? You could pick her up something you think she might crave (which usually makes her happy) and say something in the line of I thought you might want one of these (for example, ice cream) because you probably didn't get to have it for a while. You should know her by now, so you should know what will make her happy. Most girls are happy with some type of food or drink that they must have everyday. That will somewhat show her you are thinking of her. Plus if it's a happy food or drink, it will lighten up her mood (just a little bit, helps)

 

Don't focus on your chances too much at this moment. Just focus on seeing your girlfriend, on how she's feeling and etc. Go with the flow and feel it out. Try to be as patient as possible. If you feel she wants you to back off, do just that. It's hard but she's also probably pretty sensitive right now.

 

As you could see, I've seen this type of stuff happened too many times and for some reason it's just my luck that my guy friends goes to me to ask what they should do. So there you go, these are the same advice I would give my best male friend or even my brother. Good luck, let us know how it goes.

[SherrySher]

Do some soul searching and decide if you really are ready for only one woman in your life. We all get lonely at some point, but if you're in a serious relationship you find other things to do rather than to go to other women.

If you have decided that this really is the only woman you want and can commit to her now 100% you need to tell her this and to tell her that you will do whatever it takes for you to earn her trust back, and stick to that. Whatever reassurance she needs, no matter how many times she needs it, whatever it takes, be there for her and fix this.

[justletgo07]

I'm sorry to rain on your parade, but...this is the risk you took. 5 weeks isn't very long, and if you're getting lonely to the point of needing to be/talk intimately with someone else then it may be that you just weren't that invested in this relationship.

 

You cheated, and this is what happens when you cheat. I think it's an important thing for everyone to learn, and hopefully you'll take this lesson with you.

 

As far as your ex is concerned, it sounds like you've already apologized repeatedly and asked for another chance, and she has said no. To continue to insist on what YOU want will just demonstrate that you don't get it and that, just like with your cheating, you're focused mostly on you. You should admit your mistake, admit that you know what that means, and tell her that you accept her decision.

 

It's 100% in her court at this point, and I think you should focus a lot more on what she is saying right now than what you're feeling. There isn't any way to undo what has been done.

 

In the meantime, you should figure out whether you really love this girl, or if you're upset that you got caught.

 

Good luck.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry, but I think you blew it. Stop contacting her. She's understandably pissed and doesn't seem open to discussion, get your stuff and go no contact.

found out who my girlfriend is through Instagram and sent screenshots of a lot of our messages to her. Naturally my girlfriend is furious, and ended the relationship instantly. She continues to say we are over, and the next time she sees me face to face will be for closure and for me to collect my belongings.

[gerry101]

Firstly, I'd like to thank everybody for their replies and the effort they put into providing advice for a stranger. I read the replies many times over the course of a couple of days.

 

We both met last night at her house.

There were many tears from both of us over the course of a few hours.

 

I explained myself fully to her, the reason I did it and how sorry I am, embarassed/ashamed that I could betray her. I offered a very lengthy apology and explanation, I answered all questions honestly and respectfully.

 

I begged and offered comfort to her and for a second chance, and at minimum some minor form of forgiveness initially so we could continue and she could see how good I can be in the future. She responded (in summary) by saying she doesn't think we can be together as she has no trust in me now, which i completely understand. We went on to discuss how it would be if we were to continue, how I would behave in future, and I was prepared for a lot of work.

 

After this she calmly said it was a good idea for me to leave, which was very emotional for me, and as I began to collect my items she would start sobbing and we would continue talking for another 30mins or so. This happened a couple of times. It was as though she wanted me to leave, but was 50/50?

 

I suggested if she was interested in catching up again in a couple of days with a walk in a park, or to grab a drink or casual food. She didn't say no, she said she'd think about it.

 

It ended with me comforting her on the bed, in quite calm conversation, there was no anger the whole meeting, which I was expecting from her. She was falling asleep, so I gathered my small bag of things kissed her on the forehead goodnight and said I loved her, and left.

 

One hour later, I sent a couple of short messages to her about how I want to fix it, and she's the world to me, if she could only give me a chance, kind of a summary. Also that I'd find a nice ice cream place for Sunday/Monday, only if it suited her, and let her know.

 

I'm quite confused, everytime she asked me to leave I began to, but then she would keep talking, almost as if she didn't want me to, I could see how hurt she is and this breaks me inside.

 

I was expecting her to be very firm with her wanting me out of her life, but it really didn't seem that way. If she was yelling at me to leave, and was adamant, I would have of course respected that and left when she asked. It seemed she was bouncing between two ideas the whole time.

 

At this stage there's a chance we will meet in a couple of days in a casual setting.

 

It's been a week since it all started, perhaps I need to wait another week or so, and give her space whilst still offering the odd supportive text message. I really don't know.

 

Any advice regarding this situation would be most appreciated.

[justletgo07]

You've already told her what you want, repeatedly. She has stayed in the probably no to no category.

 

I don't think staying in contact at this point will be helpful, nor will apologizing anymore or saying you want to make it work. Those conversations have been had.

 

I would step away. If she changes her mind, she will come to you. Your last interaction went ok, but sadness will likely turn to anger, and I don't think you will want to be around for that.

[gerry101]

She's agreed to meet with me today, she's said we're over and we aren't getting back together. This is ok, I will take one day at a time.

 

I just wonder why she is ok to meet with me? Why doesn't she just tell me to get lost. At what point do I give up fighting?

At the moment I'm staying in the shadows, sending her the odd supportive text.

[journeynow]

She's agreed to meet with me today, she's said we're over and we aren't getting back together. This is ok, I will take one day at a time.

 

I just wonder why she is ok to meet with me? Why doesn't she just tell me to get lost. At what point do I give up fighting?

At the moment I'm staying in the shadows, sending her the odd supportive text.

 

My guess is she is meeting you because you've asked, and she's granting you that. I found that the breaker-upper meeting after the break up doesn't mean they want to get back together, nor does talking or tears. They still have emotions and are processing it, too, but it may not mean what you hope it means. Also, keep in mind, that sending her the odd supportive text is not "staying in the shadows". It could be stirring the hurt for her. You can't undo the past and you can't unhurt her hurt. It's clear she doesn't trust you and it is probably best that she is clear about that rather than try to forge forward without trust. If you try to get back together now it may backfire if the hurt continues to resurface whenever there is a glitch or conflict or time apart in the future. Why not step away completely, let her know you are there if she changes her mind but you will leave her alone and would like to check in with her in 6 months, or 9, or 12, after time has passed and perhaps healing?

[jujusamples]

After reading your update, I believe you are truly sorry for what you did. I also believe you love and care for this girl. That being said, it is still wrong what you did. I think your gf is trying to stand her grounds but it is hard for her to do so because she still really cares for you. She's probably really hurting right now and part of her probably doesn't want to let you go either. At the same time, if she gets back with you or give you another chance just like that. Then it would be too easy on you and the chances of you doing it again would be high. Even the strongest of all people can not conquer it when it comes to love. That's is probably why she keeps telling you to leave and then keeps talking as you are about to leave.

 

She is having a hard time with this, and I don't blame her. It's hurtful! Yes, I say give her some time and space. Time will be your best friend at this moment. I wouldn't keep sending her texts messages because it's just going to irritate her eventually. When that happens, you will loose all chances. You have to kind of play it by ear at this point as well. If she is the one reaching out to you, then yes answer her and be supportive. If she isn't reaching out to you, just leave it for now. Give it a week or two so she could be more calm and then try sending sending her a text to see how she's doing? If there is no or vague response, then just leave it as that for a while. This is of course hard but I believe it's the only solution right now. Don't bombard her with texts, she's still hurting too much to deal with that. You have to take 1 very tiny step at a time.

 

With this time apart, it will also give you time to reflect on yourself. Focus on yourself and maybe try to figure why you did what you did? Things you would do differently if you were given the chance? This time will not only give your girlfriend a chance to calm down and process this, it will also give you time to reflect. I hope that helps. I know it's probably not what you want to do and you want everything just to be back to normal. It takes time for that to happen. Good luck.

[jujusamples]

She's agreed to meet with me today, she's said we're over and we aren't getting back together. This is ok, I will take one day at a time.

 

I just wonder why she is ok to meet with me? Why doesn't she just tell me to get lost. At what point do I give up fighting?

At the moment I'm staying in the shadows, sending her the odd supportive text.

 

As I mentioned in my previous response, she obviously still cares and loves you. She's hurting too much and sometimes just by seeing you might make her feel at ease at the split moment. She's still trying to process everything so therefore she's probably not thinking very clearly.

 

You don't stop fighting if you truly love this girl. By that, I don't mean to keep sending her supportive texts. I mean focus on yourself to be a better person. Know that whatever the outcome is, you will learn from this experience. Whether you end up with her or not, you will be a better person for the next relationship. This way, whatever happens, you know you have tried your best.

[gerry101]

Thank you for the insight, I appreciate people's responses whether they are hopeful or not.

 

I saw her this afternoon, we spend about 30 mins walking around a park after I picked her up from her house. I walked around the park, reiterating everything I've told her, and explained myself again. She didn't have much to say, it was mainly me very emotional explaining everything to her, how much I love her, how she is everything to me, swearing on my life I'd never do that to her again. I reiterated that it isn't going to be easy if we were to move forward one day with the relationship, and I'd be there for her no matter what issues arose in the future, because of my actions. Plus lots of other things about what had taken place.

 

After the park we went to a cafe for an hour or so, a little less emotional, but we continued the conversation there over a couple of coffees. I struggled to keep my tears back. I tried for a little casual conversation about her holiday, but was mainly one word answers so I refrained from asking any more. We then discussed what our family's and close friends thought of my actions.

 

We then sat in the car for 30 mins, I was emotional trying to explain why I did it and it meant nothing, I'm sure she could see how much it is currently affecting me. She said maybe we shouldn't meet, as it will be hard to get over each other, and she asked me what I wanted from meeting her. I explained that I'm taking one day at a time, and I want to gain her trust incrementally, no matter what it takes, and I'm ashamed of my actions. One interesting thing she said is that she wants 'clarity', which is not what I expected, I thought she would say closure.

 

I drove her home, and before saying goodbye, I asked her if she wanted to catch up at the end of the week, I said she can let me know later in the week, and I don't need an answer now. She asked why I wanted to, and she said that she doesn't want to give me false hope that we're going to be back together.

 

I just have a feeling there's a small chance there. I told her I don't think we have a 0% chance of getting back together, I said it would be pretty close to 0% but not 0. She didn't say anything to this.

 

I feel that if she really wanted me out she would tell me straight, and tell me not to contact her. She would want closure and probably request us not to meet or be in contact. I understand I do not want to get my hopes up, and am trying to be realistic.

 

Any comments or suggestions would be great!

 

Thanks.

T

[jujusamples]

@gerry101 - as part of respecting her, I think the best bet is to not talk about what happened anymore. I think by now she heard you, that you are sorry. If you were to hang out with her again, I suggest you just treat it as you are hanging out with a girl that is friend. It will lighten up the tension. Friendship is always the best way to go. If you truly care for her, treat it like you are being there for your best girlfriend that is in a crisis. If you keep it up with the I'm sorry spill, you will loose even that 1% chance of getting back together.

 

How about just hanging out with her without any intentions? Just simply because you like to be around her? As a friend? At the end of the day, even if she would never get back with you. If you love her and care for her like you said you do, you should just be happy to be around her. See that she is holding out okay and her well being. That should be what's more important than trying to get back together at this moment.

[gerry101]

Thanks. I've been at odds with myself what to do now.

I'm planning on giving her some space, say a week or so before making contact. Do I need to tell her I'm giving her space in some way? Or do I just disappear? Will she think I've moved on?

 

Thanks.

[HeartGoesOn]

I think you should leave her alone, and let her digest what happened. I also think you're truly remorseful, but that's just not enough to make up for this betrayal of trust. Keep in mind that very few people can go the long term after infidelity enters the picture.

 

My guess is this is over, and the best you can do is to take the lesson with you.

[journeynow]

I think you have to believe her and respect her and leave her alone. You don't need to contact her in a week or so, she knows where you are and how you feel if she should change her mind. However, she has said it is over and she doesn't want to give you false hope, so do what you can to heal, gain your equilibrium, and work on moving on, putting this behind you. I understand you are truly sorry, and you have made that known to her. Any more explaining on your part, without her asking for more, may be perceived as making it about you (which caused the error in judgement in the first place that set this split in motion). Maybe with time and perspective you will gain better understanding of why it happened, where you feeling resentful that she was taking the trip without you, or was something else going on, were you not fully committed, etc.

[gerry101]

Ok so here I am again.

 

Last night we went to the movies together, to be honest I was just happy to see her. During the movie I tried to hold her hand casually, but she didn't appreciate that and pulled away. I guess I was just falling back into old habits with her.

After the movie we went to her house, and I asked if we could talk, and she agreed. We ended up joking a little bit and sharing a couple of smiles and laughs. After this I ended up staying the night, which has now made everything more difficult.

She told me she's very confused, goes through waves of anger, and one point misses me and the next hating me.

We've decided to not contact each other for about 2 weeks, and spend time without hearing from or seeing each other. She's said she wants to make s decision whether we stay together or not when her mind is clear, which I agree with.

 

Thank you for everybody's help here

[gerry101]

Today is day two of no contact, it's not easy!

[PostmanPat]

Today is day two of no contact, it's not easy!

 

Hey dude, hang in there, check out my thread coz I'm literally the EXACT same situation as you. The last contact I had with her was pretty much a month ago now, it was very positive, wished her happy birthday and she was proud to tell me something. I saw her walk past the other day and we waved and smiled at each other but no talking.

 

Trust me, she still loves you and still wishes it wasn't so, and I'm sure you feel the same, but the best thing for you to do is just grit the teeth and go NC... let her have her space. She WILL come back to you.

[gerry101]

Yes it's quite complicated isn't it. She said she needs NC to make a decision whether to stay with me or not, as she hasn't decided. It's quite confusing, we are broken up, she wants to do no contact for 2 weeks, however she's admitted there is a small chance we will get back together.

 

I think NC is easier when you know it's over, and it's done for healing purposes and to move on. However this is just a waiting game for me for her to make a decision, I'm unable to move on, unable to be with her right now so I'm in a middle ground.

 

I'll check our your thread, thanks

[PostmanPat]

Best thing I reckon is to get proactive rather than reactive, tell her you respect her need for space and that when she feels like she can contact you, you're there for her.

 

She will contact you after a short while by the sounds of things as she hasn't quite resolved things in her head... and don't engage in things with her until she has started to become clear on what her decision will be. If she's not sure, she still needs more space. Just make sure you're giving off good vibes and being a confident, rather than needy person.

 

I know it SUCKS because you were the one that screwed up (like me) but you need to stay firm... it's a good trait in her eyes because she can see you're a man of your word.

 

Trust me, you can't convince her to make up her mind... and if you do... it will work out for the worse. You just need to let it take it's natural course and trust your relationship and connection in to win over (even if it takes some time).