How much fighting is too much fighting?

[whitwhit]

My boyfriend and I fight once or twice a month. Its way more than I have ever fought with anyone I've ever been with before. We fight over stuff like behavior in public. He's quiet in large groups or when with new people- kind of like a quiet extrovert. I am very loud, silly, and speak my mind even if other people don't always like what I have to say. We are an odd couple, but we are working through our differences. I need to be more understanding of his instinct to watch rather than participate, and he needs to be more comfortable with himself when I want to clown around.

 

Last time we fought, he was angry that I wanted to go home early at one of our friend's going away parties. He said I should stay out because we won't see her for another 2 months (and I had nothing to do the next day so I could have stayed out), and I was like 'I'm tired, and its past midnight.' It really stemmed from this issue that we had about a disagreement over what makes someone a good friend.

 

We resolved the latter conflict, and established a new plan for that situation going forward, but the intensity of the last fight got me thinking whether these arguments are normal or not?

 

How much fighting is too much? I feel like being so busy at work has made me really tired, so I am not sure whether this is a major relationship issue that I should consider breaking up over, or whether I'm just tired, cranky, and sensitive.

 

It could be just a mixture of the two but I am really not sure. Do you have a personal yard stick for determining how much fighting is too much fighting?

[IAmFCA]

The intensity indicates a feeling underneath that is inappropriate.

 

Learn to communicate calmly and kindly. If takes two to fight.

[Seraphim]

It sounds like too much fighting . Maybe get a book on conflict resolution ?

[Snny]

We fight over stuff like behavior in public. He's quiet in large groups or when with new people- kind of like a quiet extrovert. I am very loud, silly, and speak my mind even if other people don't always like what I have to say.

You mean he is introverted. Nothing wrong with this. And actually, being watchful what you say to particular people is a good tact to have.

 

It's not a matter of how many times you fight, but how you both handle arguments. You need to choose your battles carefully- this doesn't go for just relationships, but how you handle people in general.

 

Sounds like you both got to work on communication skills- particularly yours. You say the wrong thing to the wrong person, and it leads to nasty consequences.

[Ms Darcy]

There's some information missing for me. I get the sense that fundamentally you two are very different so the fighting is about accepting, or not accepting, those differences.

 

The fighting frequency isn't the issue here. It's the intensity. If you guys go to blows over simple stuff, how are going to resolve serious issues. Sounds like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

[Iggy5129]

He's a "quiet extrovert"? Lol

 

So he's an introvert?

[Wiseman2]

If you stopped trying to change each other, the fights would decrease dramatically.

I need to be more understanding of his instinct to watch rather than participate, and he needs to be more comfortable with himself when I want to clown around

[j.man]

Any "fighting" is too much fighting.

 

As others have pointed out, it's about the intensity. There's a difference between disagreements or "arguments" (although I'm not a fan of the latter, either) and verbal altercations / fighting. The moment you two are yelling, it's a clear indicator something's wrong beyond the topic of disagreement itself.

 

Also, it's a good idea to reflect on these arguments and try to analyze whether you yourself may be asserting yourself in a provocative way during disagreements, whether it's yelling or emotional jabs. I'd advise him the same if he were posting here. Also reflect on whether either of you really are willing to accept the other's differences.

[Ms Darcy]

He's a "quiet extrovert"? Lol

 

So he's an introvert?

 

There is such a thing as a quiet extrovert. Extroversion/introversion is more about how you get your energy.