So confused by online dating

[brightside]

I'm recently divorced after having been separated for 2 years. I had a very rocky couple of years but now I'm healthy emotionally and in a great place to start new--excited even. I'm a 49 year old woman, I think I'm pretty attractive, in shape, great career as a art professor, interesting, with great friends and I just cannot seem to get this working. I've been on 15 dates, only one was a second date. The main problem seems to be those who are interested in me are completely mismatched in real life. I'm working on expanding my definition of who might be compatible, but even the guys I've dated quickly realize, we aren't really on the same level and they come across not confident. And I know that sounds snobby, but I'm really not. I fall for personalities once I get to know them—these truly aren't in the ballpark. I think it is a byproduct of the online thing--everyone looking to level up, only it doesn't work.

 

Friends tell me that there is no way I'll meet someone that way. I've asked everyone I know for single set ups, everyone is married. I'm so tempted to give up, but I know there are great guys out there. I realize my age demographic isn't optimal, but I can't change that. I'm also petite, 5' even. That certainly isn't for everyone, but my ex was 5'10" and I had a high school bf who was 6'2". I have dated up to 57 yrs old, but they seem really old to me. Those stats can't be deal breakers to everybody.

 

Any advice?

[JohnnyFranks]

So do you mean these guys don't measure up to your standards, or do you mean you have high standards.

[brightside]

I believe my standards are moderate. I'm not looking to level up. I'm looking for compatibility and personality over looks. But, these guys are not meeting my moderate standards—the compatibility and personality aren't overcoming the shortcomings in looks. I'm giving the options presented a try, it is just not working. I do have some deal breakers of course and I have to be somewhat attracted.

[JohnnyFranks]

Most people have moderate standards, can you give an example where those men fall short.

[brightside]

Yes, upon meeting they are usually shorter, heavier and much less attractive than their photos. I don't really care about the shorter thing but I don't lie about my height or weight. Weight does matter to me since I'm small. I don't like feeling suffocated, however, I don't mind if a guy had an extra 10. I usually get, "oh, you look better than your photos". Almost like they figure a "fudge factor" in. Several have been super critical through the date. Not directed at me but everything else and others nearby. It screamed insecurity to me and made me really uncomfortable—those experiences made me include that trait in my deal breaker list. Others have been too gushy and scared me. The couple who seemed ok to me turned into serial texters who don't ask for a date. I guess they are waiting for me to be more forward but that is hard when I'm feeling ambivalent.

[notalady]

That's just the way online dating works, you will meet a lot of people who are not compatible and not your match. The fact that you found red flags and deal breakers just means the process is working. I say just keep doing what you're doing. Also try meeting people in real life in addition to online.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, to be honest I'm thinking folks as they age aren't going to be in the best shape of their lives as they get older. And certainly the most attractive guys won't even need to be online dating (e.g. may not be single or are meeting women in real life). So, I guess I would suggest not being too concerned about the height thing or the weight thing if you really want to find a good guy.

 

For me, my "must haves" list for a man are more about personality, values, morals, education and less and less about looks.

 

I would also say online dating is a good supplement to trying to meet men in real life, but it's not a substitute. If you can get involved in meetups or other events to meet men in real life, that would be very wise.

[brightside]

I think you are right about meeting more men in person. I think I would have better luck, but have no idea where to do that. Online had a certain understandable factor, although it's not working so well. It has been extremely humbling to say the least. Meetups, I'll try that again. The few I did try had all women.

[Jeffbobo]

You wouldn't happen to be in the Minneapolis area would you? Lol. 😄

[musicman777]

You wouldn't happen to be in the Minneapolis area would you? Lol. 😄

 

Don't even try it man, this is what happens when you move on someone from ENA... (true me I've tried)

 

]

[Chocolate25]

Online dating is equivalent to gambling. Some people get lucky with it. Some people don't. So be cautious.

[Sportster2005]

You don't sound confused at all. You've figured out much of it on your own.

 

I think it's smart to tinker with your criteria. It comes down to simple math. The stricter your criteria, the smaller your dating pool. Then the subject of settling comes into play. And I think the only thing debated more hotly on the Internet than settling is marijuana. I'm in the camp that believes in trying to find the best mate I can realistically attract. I could search for 30 - 40 athletic women. And I can convince myself if I date out of that criteria I'm settling. Online dating actually is a good place to get an idea of what your value is in the market. People may not like it. But it's really simple. It's like the stock market. You put yourself on it, assess your value and wait for buyers. If no one is buying, you're over-valuing yourself. I want to be clear I am not aiming this at you. Just some general observations. When I started online a few (too many) years ago I would only email the most attractive women. I pretty much had a %100 rejection rate. Over the years I've become more realistic. I still swing for the fences now and then. You never know. But I can almost gauge now who will and who won't return my email. So I pick the best of that group, and I do quite well. Now if I could just stop sabotaging myself.

 

I do meet a lot of women in the real world. I involve myself in lots of stuff. Running groups, dancing lessons, stuff like that. Just this last week myself and another man were vying for the attention of one of the lady dancers I put her at about 49. The other guy was taller, younger and more handsome. I think he won round one. But it's not over yet. I haven't pulled out my secret weapon yet. It's my super duper charm smile.

 

One last thing. Head into dates with only expectation you are going to meet someone and at the very least have a good conversation. That takes a lot of the pressure off.