Unsure of next move with older man

[Aful]

are you still with this guy

[Wiseman2]

He sounds a bit parasitic, given that this is not a temporary situation but a lifelong lifestyle.

He lives with his mother because its a large, spacious home and he can live there for free

[emrhi]

are you still with this guy

 

I am still involved with this man, and we are in love. I will be entering the final year of my undergraduate degree and he has just gotten a job teaching at a community college. It's not what he would prefer, but it's employment and it's a start. I've been introduced to his mother and she thinks I'm a sweet person and she's told my boyfriend that she trusts his judgment with this relationship, although she seems to think that since I'm young I could easily change my mind. My own parents still don't know, and I do not plan to tell them. I obviously have a rocky relationship with my abusive, alcoholic father and my mother is very overbearing. I'm moving out soon enough, so I can more effectively conceal the relationship (I've been saying that I'm staying over with friends downtown where he lives just about every weekend).

 

It's been around 3 months and I know the relationship is still just beginning. But during this time I have had beautiful moments where we poured our souls out to each other and bonded over shared trauma and grief. He recognizes in me an earlier version of himself. We both study philosophy, and have both gone through serious depression. We enjoy listening to a lot of the same music, watching the same films, and going for long walks by the lake. Oh, and we're highly sexually compatible and kinky. Above all, he is an enormous emotional support for me, and I've learned acceptance and resilience from him.

 

I'm a little bit surprised about the hate some of you have been directing towards him. So what if he currently lives with his mother? He lived with roommates in a college town where he worked a few years ago, as well as in Europe for 8 years. Have you all had riches thrust upon you? And who says we all need to get our sh*t together by a certain age? It's extremely hard for academics to make a living. You have to know that right people and get published by the right people and even then there's a finite number of spots. I consider him noble for pursuing his education and I learn from him and he from me.

 

He's even said that if he had met me when he was 21, he'd have been intimidated by how intelligent and well-read I am. I honestly don't perceive any kind of power imbalance. He says he only wants to do right by me, and so far he has been a wonderfully caring and attentive partner.

 

So if you still want to talk sh*t and be ageist be my guest.

[Wiseman2]

Getting your own place will improve thing immensely. Now that he's working can you two get an apt?

I will be entering the final year of my undergraduate degree and he has just gotten a job teaching at a community college. I'm moving out soon enough

[emrhi]

I will be living in a place with two roommates, girls from my program. He has only just been offered the job and would have to be hired on permanently rather than just for the semester in order to be in a secure enough position to move out. College instructors are not well paid, as some would assume. That is only if you are given academic tenure (you are hired until you reach retirement age)

 

Eventually, I would love to live with him in an apartment of our own.

[HeartGoesOn]

emrhi... There is no need to be rude to other members who are offering their opinion, which you originally requested. Any further disrespectful posts will result in this thread being closed.

[Jibralta]

So if you still want to talk sh*t and be ageist be my guest.

 

I don't see that anyone is talking sh*t or being ageist. People are just responding to your request for input with their own experiences.

[emrhi]

I don't see that anyone is talking sh*t or being ageist. People are just responding to your request for input with their own experiences.

 

Past posters accused my partner of being a serial killer because he lives in his mom's basement.

Is that not abuse?

[emrhi]

1. Dude sounds like a grade A creeper.

2. Daddy issues should be resolved through therapy, not dating.

 

Sounds like a different version of Norman Bates.

This man has no financial security, he is 40 and is sneaking you out of his basement?? omg..lol....he seems to like younger naive women...sigh...there is no way I would give any woman the advice to be with this man...he sounds creepy and mentally immature and messed up

 

 

Some examples of abuse I received.

 

I also consider the term "daddy issues" to be highly misogynistic, in effect blaming me for a trauma I underwent as a child, rather than my unloving father.

[Jibralta]

Past posters accused my partner of being a serial killer because he lives in his mom's basement.

Is that not abuse?

 

I didn't see serial killer anywhere in this thread.

 

If it was there and removed, or somewhere else, yes, it would be obnoxious. "Abuse" is a stretch.

 

Some examples of abuse I received.

 

I also consider the term "daddy issues" to be highly misogynistic, in effect blaming me for a trauma I underwent as a child, rather than my unloving father.

 

Abuse? I don't know.

 

Yes, perhaps insulting/rude/insensitive/misogynistic. And it's two posts out of more than 20 responses. Why not address them individually instead of blast everyone on the thread?

[emrhi]

I didn't see serial killer anywhere in this thread.

 

If it was there and removed, or somewhere else, yes, it would be obnoxious. "Abuse" is a stretch.

 

 

 

Abuse? I don't know.

 

Yes, perhaps insulting/rude/insensitive/misogynistic. And it's two posts out of more than 20 responses. Why not address them individually instead of blast everyone on the thread?

 

Have you never seen Psycho? Bates Motel? Or are you just playing ignorant? Personally, I consider it beyond obnoxious, but okay, maybe you're right and abusive is too strong a word. And it was more than just 2 posters, as he was referred to as "the creep" and "the weirdo" throughout the thread.

 

Either way, it gave me a bad impression of the forum and was the reason why I didn't return here for some time. Posters should be allowed to state their opinions, but crossing the line to make unfounded attacks on my partner was very low. And ageist, because apparently any 40 year old man who would show interest in a like-minded, intellectual young woman of 21 must have murder on his mind. All of the suggestions of my boyfriend being a creep because of his age, or his past employment status, when he has had relationships mostly with women less than ten years apart (his last relationship was with a 42 year old woman) is evidence of bias against age gap relationships.

[Jibralta]

Or are you just playing ignorant?

 

Whatever you say.

[emrhi]

Whatever you say.

 

You said no one called him a serial killer. I pointed out that he was called Norman Bates. I'm at a loss how that was missed.

[j.man]

Some examples of abuse I received.

 

I also consider the term "daddy issues" to be highly misogynistic, in effect blaming me for a trauma I underwent as a child, rather than my unloving father.

Sounds like you want to be blamed. I didn't say anything you hadn't already.

 

"I have always fantasized about being involved with a much older man because of unresolved issues with my father"

 

That's a problem. And one that's solved through therapy, not dating.

 

Sorry for abusing you.

[emrhi]

Sounds like you want to be blamed. I didn't say anything you hadn't already.

 

"I have always fantasized about being involved with a much older man because of unresolved issues with my father"

 

That's a problem. And one that's solved through therapy, not dating.

 

Sorry for abusing you.

 

I've been attracted to older men since I was 8 years old, and there's absolutely no amount of therapy that is ever going to make me not be attracted to men of that age group. Am I supposed to sit around and not date anyone until I myself turn 40, so it won't offend people? Besides, one can acknowledge a traumatic upbringing and broken relationship with a parent without having to resort to a label which is deeply rooted in sexism.

 

All of us our broken somehow, and we are all unconsciously drawn to people who remind us of our parents. All that should matter is that my partner and I are deeply in love, share the same interests and intellectual curiosity, and have the desire to be in a committed, mutually beneficial partnership.

 

 

It is not easy to forgive a parent who is an abuser, Especially when the very first man who came into your life who was supposed to love you made your life a nightmare. I guess I should just put myself in a nunnery, because any relationship I will ever have will be unhealthy because I'm an infantile, needy little girl with "daddy issues."

 

Get real. Stop reinforcing sexist terminology. Know that therapy isn't a fix-all.

[Wiseman2]

But what does dating someone older have to do with all these past issues? Shouldn't you just be able to connect without there being this association?

I've been attracted to older men since I was 8 years old.It is not easy to forgive a parent who is an abuser, Especially when the very first man who came into your life who was supposed to love you made your life a nightmare.

[emrhi]

But what does dating someone older have to do with all these past issues? Shouldn't you just be able to connect without there being this association?

 

On a purely physical / sexual level, I do not find men under approximately 35 years old attractive. Not in the least. I can connect with guys my age as friends, but that's it.

 

When I'm with my boyfriend, I see him as my man, the object of my passions, and am not in the least reminded of my father. This man is sentimental, even-tempered, and kind. He is just the right amount of protective as any boyfriend should be, and does not behave paternally with me. He often says we are creative and intellectual equals.

 

 

When I was talking about my past, it was to clarify that women with my kind of background are often labelled as damaged goods or having daddy issues by men. I was trying to demonstrate how that language is hurtful and misogynistic. Not saying that I connect my being only attracted to older men with this background. My parents had me later in life, when they were already in their forties, and so this attraction is more common when a child grows up with older parents. It is also common that young women mature more quickly than young men, and in my case I generally don't have much in common with other millennials.

[j.man]

Get therapy for the daddy issues.

[itsallgrand]

I am so very sorry to hear what you went through as a child. I'm sorry you are living with issues related to trauma and abuse.

 

Speaking as someone who grew up around alcoholism and also struggled with issues related to trauma ( on top of the impact of growing up with an alcoholic parent), I do feel a deep empathy for your situation. I also think, having lived with unresolved trauma issues for a long time that seriously impacted my life), that therapy is something to seriously consider, the earlier the better. It can completely change your life. It did mine. Long held issues which I felt would be with me my whole life, I found relief from. True, therapy is not a fix all. But I would highly recommend it for you. Trauma therapies have come a long way.

 

As for this man, I think you are aware that you are drawn to him because of unresolved pain in you. It's good you have that awareness. But the pull is deep to repeat what we know. I think you are at risk of perpetuating abuse upon yourself through men and sex , I really do. I hope you won't go that path, but rather, invest in yourself first. Dating and sex will still be there. Give it even a year and see how you feel after some therapy. I think that's a way to meet your needs- you start to give yourself what you need and didn't get, rather than seek it in an older man. It's learning to love and care for yourself.

M good luck. Would love to hear what you think.

[Fudgie]

emrhi,

 

My heart really hurt when I read your post. I think I do understand a lot where you're coming from. I did not come from a family with an abusive or alcoholic father but due to some difficult circumstances growing up, my father and I both withdrew from my mother and we became very close and he shared everything with me (even on inappropriate topics) instead of going with my mom. I ended up developing feelings at a young age and felt very guilty/conflicted and this "daddy issue" has persisted through my whole life. It's a big reason for why I take a few antidepressants, why I managed to get to over 300 lb in weight (I lost most of my excess though), and had a lot of emotional problems that I didn't share with anyone. He and my mom are still together, married, and doing a lot better and now I am left to pick up the pieces.

 

Anyway, I remember when I was 18 (26 now) and I was so excited when I turned 18, because it meant legally, I could finally date whoever I wanted in terms of age. My first love was in his mid 30s when I was 14 and it just went from there. I dated older men, exclusively, for years. In fact, most of my relationships to this point, looking back, are with older men, ranging from 8 years older to 38 years older. I absolutely felt that I "needed" to do it, that there was no other choice, because of my issues and that's just what worked for me. And honestly, it did! I was not abused. My longest relationship lasted almost 3 years, he was almost 40 years my senior, and I have SO many fond memories of him still. I tend to be a good "people picker" in terms of finding people who aren't users and abusers so I think that helped me in the end.

 

However, my "daddy issues" still plagued me and caused me pain and depression. I found that even being with older men, it doesn't fill the void. Nothing fills the void. I thought that having a healthy relationship with someone older who could give me both a lover and father relationship would make me feel better but in the end, it didn't really. Something had to be fixed within myself. I am now in weekly therapy and I am working through my issues in safe environment with a therapist that I really connect with. And I'm FINALLY feeling better.

 

That said, I think some people do just fine in relationships with older or younger people. I don't think the fact that you want to date older is the problem. I think your issues relating to your upbringing and your dad are problematic here and regardless of what you do, I think you need seek help of some sort and I would say that to anyone who has had to deal with an alcoholic/abusive parent, regardless of their choice in dating partners.

 

Right now my partner is about my age but if I weren't with him, I would be open to dating older again. That's just me. There's a lot to like about older men. I don't regret my time spent in relationships with men much older and I have so many fond memories. However, I am no longer open to it out of a belief that I am damaged or that I need a father figure in a partner. I've worked past those issues now and I am feeling so much better about myself overall and that's what matters.

 

If you work in therapy and still decide that you want to be with someone older and that's your preference alongside feeling a lot better about things and having a healthy outlook, then go for it.