Stuck and pathetic

[Pinklily]

I've been a long time reader here, but I've never had the nerve to post. However my circle, as wonderful as they are, is tired of hearing about it all. Today someone said "it's three months and it's still bothering you?!?!". Little does she know, being bothered is an understatement. I am still destroyed.

 

Long story short, I met him last April and, although I tried very hard to keep my wall up, I fell hard for a man who was 4 years younger than me. We spent everyday together for 6 weeks and we were both electrified by the connection. It was like we were old souls that just "fit".

 

As a rule, I never bring anyone home to meet my kids but with him it didn't matter. We knew this was it and he was so comfortable with them, and they with him. He came to their baseball games, watched dance recitals, hung out and just talked about life with them, always looked out for interesting things he thought they'd like. We were all gelling and I too met his family and friends.

 

His father dies in June (2 months after we met) and well, I was by his side every step. Like me, he had a tumultuous relationship with his dad so I understood the confusion his emotions would become. He told me, after everything was done with the funeral, that I supported him more like a wife than his ex wife ever did. I just felt I needed to be there in any way he needed.

 

One month later, his mother was having trouble coping so he decided to move home with her. I helped plan the move, pack his things, order the truck and unpack when he was back at home. He was working 15 hour days at the Pan Am Games so my extra help was very appreciated in yet another stressful time.

 

After that, we decided that a trip away would be good for us given the stress and we had a wonderful vacation away where he doted on me, told me how much he loved me and surprised me with a gorgeous bracelet for all the support I'd given him. When we returned to regular life things were great; we were devoted to spending time together, he put time into strengthening his bond with my kids and we talked about blending our lives over the next year or two.

 

Then I got really sick and was debilitated for 3 months. The first 6 weeks he did everything for me and wouldn't leave my side. Then one night, while I was sick and in bed, we had a minor fight. He walked out on me without even telling me. When I tried to find out why he just said I was selfish and threw everything he had done in my face. We made up, but it was a new side to him.

 

We got through my illness, he was supportive and around a lot but not quite the same love and devotion o felt before. Then right after I got back on my feet and able to go back to work part time, he gets horrible pneumonia. It lasts two months and he can barely manage. I went to every doctor, hospital, X-ray and test with him (while still recovering and just getting back on my feet). In the end the end we found out he had CPOD - early stages.

 

Next came his panic attacts. They were debilitating to the point that he'd either stay at my place (as I was the only person he felt calm around) or I'd go out in the middle of the night to get him. This went on for weeks, and I stuck by him and hot him help. We went to doctors and he was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. He always wanted me there because I could explain things better and ask the right questions. We were a team and dedicated to each other through thick and thin.

 

Or so I thought. On Jan. 21 he walked out of my life because I tried to explain that I needed some emotional presence from him. He got angry and left. I didn't have time to think about it because that night I was admitted into the hospital for hemmorghing and dehydration (from a stomach bug that was going around). He came to the H but he did not want to be there. It was so obvious that my best friend just sent him home. That night he told me by text that he needed a break. I was sick and in the H but he still felt like I needed to know.

 

Since then he's strung me along for two months saying that once he got his head together, he'd come back to work on us. After two months of this, when I started demanding a bit more we had a fight and I said a rotten thing to him. He now won't forgive me for saying that one thing. He hates me, blocked me and won't give me the time of day. After everything we went through together he can't understand that what I said was from the intense pain of the past 2 months and the total abandonment of me after giving so much.

 

I'm trying to move on but I'm stuck and confused. I can't tell anymore if his behavior is off the scale or just a hurting man who is lashing out. I'm so damaged that I can't tell what's bad behavior or not anymore....your most raw responses would be wonderful.

[SherrySher]

You have been there for one another but there always has been a problem that went along with it. It's proven that you two do not belong together. You both have been through such turmoil and sickness. It should have strengthened your relationship if it was going to be a good one, but it has gone the opposite way. Now you are desperately trying to make all of it okay, latch onto some shred of hope,what you should really be doing is realizing that you and this man do not work well together. It is inconsistent, tumultuous, unhealthy and wrong for you both. You can do your head in going over all of it, but truthfully it sounds like you both need to move on.

[Itchy]

The whole relationship seems to have travelled at 150 mph and inevitably has ended in a car crash.

 

It seems as though two people got together, felt an instant connection and rushed head long into things and when trials and tribulations undoubtedly arose, the man in question perhaps realised that he has bitten off more than he could chew and could no longer balance the hardships in his life with the loss of his Father and health conditions with a relationship and has walked away.

 

The only thing you can do is start trying to move on from him and start the healing process. The only way you can heal is by ceasing communication with him and taking the necessary time to heal properly and next time take things slowly, you don't need to rush head long into things, it's often more sensible to take a few steps back, look at the situation and plan your next move then rushing into things because you have been swept up in the emotion.

[Tanzi]

Hi Pinklily. I'm sorry you are going through this. IMO I think you have both been through rather a lot for a relationship that is only 13 months old and it seems to have taken it's toll on him, especially as he is now coping with depression and anxiety too.

 

If he is just hurting and lashing out then you need to give him some space to calm down and time to reflect on your relationship and the subsequent break-up. I'm sure, deep down, he knows you didn't mean the things you said but you have to let him come to that realisation by himself. The more forcing you do, the more you are dragging the negative feelings out. Besides, he may need some time by himself to get himself together. You probably both do.

 

Putting some distance between you would do you some good too. It may have been three months since the break-up but you've still been on a constant emotional roller coaster since. You haven't moved anywhere in the last three months because you haven't given yourself the proper chance to.

 

You are confused and stuck in a rut. Cutting all contact with him is the only way you are going to be able to get your head straight and yourself back together, though it will take time. Take a step back, a long deep breath and start focusing on YOU. Spoil yourself, spend time with your friends and family. Keep yourself busy. Try to start building a life again without him in it. All the while you are doing this, he can be working on himself too and who knows what can happen when you are both back in a healthier frame of mind. However, if nothing does happen the distance you would have already put between you would have helped you gain the strength to keep on moving forwards. Good luck!

[catfeeder]

After two months of this, when I started demanding a bit more we had a fight and I said a rotten thing to him. He now won't forgive me for saying that one thing.

 

Naaah, it wasn't that one thing. He was already checked out of a relationship that was toxic and made you both sick. The last thing you said was just the last straw that confirmed for him the decision he already made months ago.

 

If your friends are tired of listening, one thing I found helpful that has strengthened my bonds with family and friends, especially after a breakup, is to consider the time I spend with them to be about them, not me. It works wonders. It keeps me focused on making great memories 'for them,' and in the process, I'm blessed with great experiences that move my focus OFF of dwelling where I don't want to be.

 

While grief is natural, I allow a certain amount of time to boo-hoo with my tissue box, and then I shove that off with a choice to build a better life for myself today. I've made it a goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resiliency and ability to bounce back. That works. It's also the opposite of spinning myself into a deeper hole to climb out of.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[Pinklily]

Naaah, it wasn't that one thing. He was already checked out of a relationship that was toxic and made you both sick. The last thing you said was just the last straw that confirmed for him the decision he already made months ago.

 

If your friends are tired of listening, one thing I found helpful that has strengthened my bonds with family and friends, especially after a breakup, is to consider the time I spend with them to be about them, not me. It works wonders. It keeps me focused on making great memories 'for them,' and in the process, I'm blessed with great experiences that move my focus OFF of dwelling where I don't want to be.

 

While grief is natural, I allow a certain amount of time to boo-hoo with my tissue box, and then I shove that off with a choice to build a better life for myself today. I've made it a goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resiliency and ability to bounce back. That works. It's also the opposite of spinning myself into a deeper hole to climb out of.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

 

 

Thank you everyone. Nothing that has been said isn't what I've told myself. The most confusing part is that a week before he had sent me flowers for Valentine's Day at work with a card that said our love would just get stronger and how much he loved me. Then 2 days before leaving, after another panic attack that I got him through, he told me I was the best thing in his life and he never wanted anything to change.

 

I'm working at letting go. I'm trying to not rehash the details. I'm in therapy and she is sure that his abandonment of the relationship comes from a place of emotional unavailability and fear. I too have anxiety, but he was never supportive or loving about it - he would just get angry and annoyed with me.

 

Sigh... Is it normal to decide that I'm just going to be alone? I'm 43, have a great career and two awesome kids. I think this love thing just isn't for me.

[Itchy]

 

Sigh... Is it normal to decide that I'm just going to be alone? I'm 43, have a great career and two awesome kids. I think this love thing just isn't for me.

 

I don't think love is for you, I just believe you need to slow down with things, you don't have to rush head long into things at 150 mph. Take your time, get to know someone properly over a prolonged period of time, don't be outcome dependent and assess the men you date as you date them, watch out for any red flags, and proceed with an air of caution would be my advice.

[Pinklily]

Thank you for your good advice. However, my feelings for my ex are relentless and I just have to give it a lot more time.

[Hermes]

Pink Lily.

 

Of course love is for you

"I think this love thing just isn't for me."

 

Most importantly you must love yourself first (an entirely different thing to being "in love" with yourself), and you will then draw healthy relationships-

 

There is nothing wrong with love. On the contrary.

 

Relationships are a different matter.

[Itchy]

Thank you for your good advice. However, my feelings for my ex are relentless and I just have to give it a lot more time.

 

Sorry I meant to say that I don't think that love is not for you. Pardon me.

[gypsybird87]

I'm so sorry you're hurting, pinklily. I'm not in a great place emotionally either, but you've received excellent advice here already about how to cope and eventually move on. I'll just add my observation about the relationship. It was so quickly fraught with drama. Illness, death, hospital stays etc. I wonder if that all served as a distraction from the problems/weaknesses present in the relationship. Meaning, if you guys weren't so busy just trying to physically survive, the relationship might have fallen apart even sooner. I agree with cat feeder that it was not any "one thing". It was many things, and I think those things were difficult to see due to all the physical issues.

 

Hugs to you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[catfeeder]

Sigh... Is it normal to decide that I'm just going to be alone? I'm 43, have a great career and two awesome kids. I think this love thing just isn't for me.

 

It's natural to feel this way after a breakup. No need for any big decisions at this point. Grieve, heal and then consider things from a whole new vantage point. I'd just relax now and focus on reaching my own private higher ground.

 

Head high.

[Pinklily]

I need a bit more advice. I saw my ex on Friday. He was apprehensive to see me and was clear that although he still has feelings for me, and thinks of me a lot and knows I have left a huge "imprint" on him that will never go away, he feels the relationship was just too draining. We tried to say goodbye and went for a long hug. I ended up kissing him and he kissed back. This went on for a while and after an hour and a half, I asked him if he'd be willing to try again. He's still unsure but agreed to continue talking. We are supposed to see each other in a few days. I've messaged him since and got sparse replies. I'm afraid I'm making a big mistake by opening this old wound, but that connection is still there. What do I do?

[Itchy]

You'll just have to see where it leads Pinklily just don't get your hopes up in case things go south again.

[Pinklily]

That's what I am trying to do. Calm and collected. The overly emotional angry girl I bring out sometimes just pushed him away.