Advice needed: wife has left

[rogerthornhill]

Hi,

 

My wife of 2 years left me three months ago. We had been together for a total of 4 years. On a recent one-week trip to a conference in Brazil she met someone. She returned and after about a week told me she had met someone and realized that she didn't feel the same way about me. She said that she realized that she was confused and had doubts and thought it was best to separate.

 

We have had an extremely close, loving and calm relationship. We never fought and had only few misunderstandings that we always resolved by talking it through. We do have an age difference -I am 39 and she is 24. We had plans to move to NYC, where we both grew up, (we live in London) later this year. When I asked exactly what was wrong for her she said that she was tired of my behaviour, for I have been depressed for the better part of the time that we have been together. I have talked about my depression and how it affects us/her, but my progress in changing was slow. But her meeting someone else and deciding to leave was completely unforeseen and unexpected.

 

Initially I thought our separation would be a temporary thing. I tried to give her the space she asked for and after two weeks we spoke again. The man she met in Brazil had come to London, and they spent a week together. I of course was unhappy to hear this, but decided that I must simply continue to show her how much I want to save our relationship and that I will do what ever it takes. Over the next several weeks we have some contact - emails, a few meetings, and I try to let her know again that I am committed to changing and moving forward, but she said that she is "ok" with where she is. In the following weeks she visits him in Brazil. I continue to try to spend time with her (I am trying to fight to save our relationship, to win her back, to show her that with all we have talked about we can work and move forward… but I am always respectful of her, trying to walk the line between expressing how much she means to me and not driving her crazy or pressuring her) However in the end she said that she was feeling incredibly guilty and that it was hard for her to see me. So I stopped asking to she her. I guess I thought its best to let some more time pass if this was what she needed or wanted.

 

Two weeks ago I received an email from her saying that - the job that was being created for her in NYC (as part of plan to move back this year) has happened faster than anticipated and she is heading to NYC, the next day, for a month and a half - tentatively at first to see if her being in NYC is good for organization as well. And now I hear that this man from Brazil has made a "long-term" trip to NYC as well. So it looks like I have been replaced in NYC as well. I don't know if they will continue or not… but I am at a loss about what I should do or say at this point.

 

I know that I could have been less withdrawn while with her in our relationship. But depression is hard, as many of you may know. It's not like you tell some with cancer just to get over it and get on. Still I think that after all we have been through particularly after such a close relationship, where I always tried to make sure that she was happy and loved, where I didn't "do" anything overtly wrong, (she always bragged to friends "how wonderful I was", etc.), that her abrupt departure and latching on to someone else is inexplicable.

 

Is this just the chance I took with settling down with someone her age? I remember my 20s; I know that people that ages are capable of and apt in change much more that some in the late 30s. Was this other man just a catalyst for along standing problem? Did I was simply traded in for a better model?

 

This had, of course, been rather hard for me. To say that I am quite sad or heartbroken seems hardly adequate … I miss her deeply everyday. I genuinely felt I had finally met the right person to share my life with. I am seeing a counsellor who deals relationships, etc, but not sure how much it will help.

 

As I would like more than anything to have to another chance with her - or maybe its better to stay a fresh start? - I guess I am looking for advice from anyone who has been in or near a similar situation. What's the best thing for me to do? How to get her back? How to move on in the mean time?

 

Thanks in advance; any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[TearsofaDragon20]

hey roger how are you? i see youare going through hard times and you may be in the hole. one thing you have to do is see where you want your life to go from this point. do you want to stay in one spot and grieve over her or do you want to move on? as much as it may be hard to move on you have to do it at some point. thinking about her and trying to make things better for you two is only make it worse one the both of you and more on you than anyone else. sure you have questions that you want anwsers to but you may not get them from her and she may not tell you everything you need to hear. She is obviously not thinking of you at this point after 4 years of being with you she just up and leaves. no one deserves that and i would never wish that upon anyone. so this here is a fresh start for you, and yes it will not be easy. but you have to take at one step at a time in dealing with this. your at a weak state of mind but you will be able to get through this. and when you do you will be stronger and see it as that you got through it and now you can get on with life. well take care PM me if you need to talk. later.

[coldplay8]

Don't second-guess yourself now. Yes, you could look to change and improve yourself and the relationship, but obviously she wasn't willing to try or even let you know there was a real problem.

 

I can't imagine how you must feel. All I can say is that obviously the problem wasn't really with you. Maybe she was too young? Maybe she didn't know what she was getting into? Who knows what her reasons are...and it's very unfair of her not to give you any concrete ones.

 

Please don't wait around hoping to reconcile with her. I am sorry to say but it seems like she may be really gone. I am a woman, and most of the time when we make up our minds about something as serious as this, we are pretty convinced by that point. But who knows? Maybe in a few months she'll come crawling back... but why sit around waiting for that to happen? You have to consider- do you really want to get back with her, you'll always be wondering when the next time will be.

 

Well... I am very sorry for you. You seem like a considerate and rational person. But I think what is meant to be will be. And instead of thinking of making a fresh start with her, why don't you make a fresh start for yourself right now? I know it is damn hard. But I think the sooner you start, the sooner you can start to live again. Whatever the final outcome, you'll be a stronger individual for it.

[krista]

i dont know how much or if at all this will help but ill try,i am 29 years old and my other half is 39 and i have in the past present and likley future wonder if and where there is someone more compatible to my age and such.i seriously think that she was just looking for greener pastures for now and descides to test it outnot fully realizing how much her curiosity might hurt you . im sorry to say she is being in a very selfish faze and may not ever come out of it altho it doesnt mean she still doesnt care nor love you im sure she does but for your own sake you should try and move on and realize you deserve better then that

[Myknosis]

It's amazing that we are in almost the exact same situation. The circumstances are different but the age difference and the 180 degree turn around is the same. I am 38 and my wife is 22. We were very happy together and then overnight she turns around and says she lost all of her emotions for me. She assured me that she loves me and that when she is ready to have a relationship again she will give me the first opportunity. She also said that she is not interested in going out and dating because she left to find herself and connect spiritually and doing so would violate everything she is tryng to accomplish.

 

That's what she said - what did she do? She moves out, files for divorce after 3 years of marraige, changes her name back to her maiden name and begins spending time with guys from the university.

 

I don't know if she is doing things with other guys - even if I could know what good or practical use would that information serve? I have forced myself to accept the worse case scenario - that is, she finds a younger guy her age, falls in love, has a physical relationship, gets pregnant, gets married and her family is totally in love with the other guy. Oh yeah - and she moves away to begin her life with her new family.

 

As soon as I realized that there is nothing that I could do to change this outcome, fix her now, or win her back I began to feel a little freer. Making myself believe that I am an awesome guy and that I could have provided an incredible life for her helps to let me know that I have a gift to offer to someone - just not her. My head could accept it but my heart was resisting.

 

I believe that my wife, like yours, was very young. I was her first everything - crush, infactuation, lover, boyfriend, husband, etc. etc. She never had a chance to find herself and experience the world making decisions on her own. She left because she needed to find out who she is. This most likely includes dating, loving, etc. etc.

 

Personally, I can't wait until she comes around. I know that I deserve someone who is sure of what they want and willing to fight for it. You need to realize that waiting for your wife to come around will only prolong your anguish. So make a list of everything you liked about her and everythign you wished she had. You will discover that most items on your list can be fulfilled by anyone.

 

You are a holistic being - physical, emotional, spiritual. Take care of all three aspects by exercising and eating healthy, finding and growing your spiritual root and base, and practicing emotional detachment.

 

I know you love a younger a woman and I did too. But wouldn't you rather have a slightly older (26-30) female who actually knows who they are and what they want in life?