Help me understand

[Lkm1117]

Help me understand. I was in this relationship since Jan 23.....we started talking in dec. This man was affectionate, planned dates, consistent, attentive, and I really thought he could be the one. He used to tell me I was his strength, and I was a good women to him. I thought the same. Well this week, he became a little distant after a disagreement and completely shut down. I just found out last night, that he said he never felt like it was real, and he felt like maybe he jumped into a relationship too soon--he split up with his ex 7 months prior to us meeting-- However, he always described the relationship as drama and violent.

 

Anyways, he tells me he thought of her often and he just feels like he doesn't want 'us' anymore. He said he no longer wants to be with her, we DID have a connection, I DID make him happy...but he doesn't think we should see each other anymore.

 

What did I do wrong? He seems to be a horrible communicator. These last 5 months have been bliss, never did I assume he never had real feelings. He always made me feel like a queen, he even called me his queen and exclaimed about it on his fb.

 

How can I trust another man? I don't know what to do....I truly opened up to him, catered to him and cared for him...more than any man I've ever been with.

 

I don't understand what signs I missed.

 

He has always been affectionate and seemed to really care about me...for example.

 

March 5th...."I'm so happy you came into my life" "You make me so happy"

March 27th...."I just want you to know that you are doing a really good job at keeping me happy, You really know how to make me feel good"

March 30th...Surprised me at my job...."I really think I'm falling for you"

April 6th......( I went out of town for 5 days) " You can't leave me again, I miss you too much".......Also, posted pictures of US on FB

April 12th.....You are a really good woman to me, and you make me feel good"

April-13-17th....we had some minor arguments...I was a litle cranky, but we got through them quickly....

Apri 20th...."I don't think I can do this anymore"......

April 22......" I don't think we should see eachother anymore ( text) ...... After I begged for an explanation, I got " Idk, maybe I was never ready to get back in a relationship"...."It's like our relationship never seemed real"......."I don't miss my ex, nor want to be with her, but I did think of her often".....

 

Last message...."This may not be the end L".....

 

 

 

I don't know what happened. One of my guy friends said it sounds like he was starting to become vulnerable and the damage in his last relationship ran him off....

[Batya33]

A lot of people change their mind after a few months of dating. I don't think he's a bad communicator -you just don't want to hear what he has to say and instead you are trying to analyze him.

 

His messages sound dramatic and way too focused on himself and how he feels about falling in love, and how you treat him. And of course watch the feet -what he does -not the lips -what he says.

 

The other part of this is that while it's lovely that you catered to him, showed you cared, part of a healthy relationship is letting someone else be there for you -as an equal partner -not in a dependent way or to make you strong - more as someone who enhances your life, but doesn't make your life. You probably behaved a bit too much like a doormat at times. That can be a turn off.

 

I'm sorry it's not going well!

[Angel11]

this is a difficult situation... it would be hard for anyone to understand. Keep reminding yourself first amd foremost that his reasons are probably due to his own issues and nothing personal. I do agree with your guy friend. I do feel like there was some sort of personal trigger though in his head. IT couldnt just be the thought of his ex girlfriend.

[Lkm1117]

I was never a doormat, he called me a queen and treated me like one. He did so many things he didn't have to, for me and my son. He was dedicated and consistent, thoughtful and compassionate. Clearly, people change, but the sudden change makes me confused.

[Lkm1117]

When someone tell you that except for the recent arguing, you are perfect...it is confusing.

 

The " It just never seemed real"...made it seem like he was used to the violence and drama he had with ex. There was stories he would tell me about her being physically violent and there was damage around there house. He used to sleep downstairs because they argued so much. They used to break up every few months and get back together....

 

But if he misses that, Idk....

[Batya33]

When someone tell you that except for the recent arguing, you are perfect...it is confusing.

 

The " It just never seemed real"...made it seem like he was used to the violence and drama he had with ex. There was stories he would tell me about her being physically violent and there was damage around there house. He used to sleep downstairs because they argued so much. They used to break up every few months and get back together....

 

But if he misses that, Idk....

 

I read that you catered to him more than any other man -that is where I got that impression.

 

Yes, he might thrive on drama.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, what he is saying is true. He jumped in too fast as a distraction and despite whatever he said in the past, was never in the relationship with both feet. The history of violence is a red flag, so you are losing a loser, which is a blessing.

this week, he became a little distant after a disagreement and completely shut down. he felt like maybe he jumped into a relationship too soon--he split up with his ex 7 months prior to us meeting. he tells me he thought of her often and he just feels like he doesn't want 'us' anymore.

[No1]

There could be a thousand reasons why...from what you said I think this is what happened. I think he was projecting his love for his X on you. Once he got over his X, he no longer needed you. I dont think he realized what he was doing until he got over his X.

It was nothing you did wrong, nothing you said, nothing you could of could of done to change what would of happened. You two had a great time and you should remember the good things.

This is one guy of billions out there, not all guys are the same so dont judge all men based on the actions of this guy. You will heal, meet someone else and have a great time and ba happy again.

[SooSad33]

As mentioned.. it isn't YOU. HE is the one with issue's. He isn't ready for another relationship.....

 

"he split up with his ex 7 months prior to us meeting-"

 

- You could say you were a 'rebound' and those hurt!

they start off very quickly & strong and end just as fast.. sadly.

 

This is a tough lesson.. but be aware for next time. Do NOT get involved with anyone who's recently gone thru a break up. Everyone needs time to get themselves back to good and be mentally & emotionally stable.

if not, they have NOTHING to give to the next person they get involved with.

[Batya33]

As mentioned.. it isn't YOU. HE is the one with issue's. He isn't ready for another relationship.....

 

"he split up with his ex 7 months prior to us meeting-"

 

- You could say you were a 'rebound' and those hurt!

they start off very quickly & strong and end just as fast.. sadly.

 

This is a tough lesson.. but be aware for next time. Do NOT get involved with anyone who's recently gone thru a break up. Everyone needs time to get themselves back to good and be mentally & emotionally stable.

if not, they have NOTHING to give to the next person they get involved with.

 

My husband had recently ended a long term relationship when we started dating. I had ended mine 6 months earlier. We were both ready for different reasons. Nothing rebound about it. No hard and fast rules. I'm a huge fan of jumping back into dating if you feel ready. The issue is when a person in an abusive relationship ends it, the issue is the abuse not that it ended recently.