Girlfriends Lazy Brother

[Gigs1777]

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 3 years. Up until recently our relationship has been very good. She has a child from a previous marriage (I am divorced myself) and while I don't want children myself, I accept her having a child.

 

I was hesitant on moving in with her not so much because of the child but her 21 year old brother she has living with her. When I would visit her old apartment, he always had a sink full of dirty dishes, dirty clothes on the floor and ate everything in sight despite the fact that he paid very little rent.

 

Trying to look past this and accept my girlfriend for who she is and the baggage she carries, I moved in with her to her new apartment last summer. Things were going well for a while but now they are becoming unbearable. Her brother got his hours cut at work late last year because he was constantly showing up late or not at all because he got plastered drunk the night before. 4 months ago, he was laid off altogether and has made no attempt to get another job. His days involve sleeping until 5pm, sitting in his room playing his guitar and video games and pretty much not doing anything to help around the house. Previously, he was only asked to pay 1/3 of the rent and $100 worth of food, less overall then what my gf and I pay but now he pays nothing. The financial burden has fallen mostly to my gf but hating seeing her struggle, I'm compelled to help out more financially so I am being burdened in that area too. Right now, I am pretty much paying for all of food in the house, at least $400-500 monthly, even though I really don't eat that much. Factor in the fact that when its time to clean the house, my gf and I do that while most times he just lays on the bed. Once in the blue moon he volunteer to push a broom.

 

I think my gf tries to motivate him to do more but she can hold back at times too because apparently he's depressed and can't clear his head right so he can't go to work. If this continues, I am going to drain all of my money from my bank account and grow to really resent her. I try and express my concerns about this but it ends up in an argument because it is really a sensitive issue for her; meaning that she loves her brother but deep down knows that he is pretty much a loser.

 

How should I move forward here? Is it time to leave?

[Mr_LFA]

Does your gf work?

[j.man]

So why again didn't she just move in with you and not the other way around? You knew the guy was in the picture, so why not let his presence expire along with her lease?

[itsallgrand]

I'd just move out and keep things seperated until the brother situation is sorted. And I wouldn't move forward again until unless I was confident she doesn't have enabling tendencies. That will bleed into you as long as she is like that; whether it's the bro, a friend, a cousin, her kid as they grow up. So I'd think about that and if you could see that long term

[HeartGoesOn]

I agree that you should move out before the hits the fan, and it will. Your only other option is, if she later agrees to just the two of you living together, (imo).

 

In short, at this point you're looking at a recipe for disaster...

[Gigs1777]

Yes we both work full time

[Wiseman2]

It sounds too cramped for three adults and a child...this would get on anyone's nerves...It may be time to move out that way she can visit you at your place.

I was hesitant on moving in with her not so much because of the child but her 21 year old brother she has living with her. His days involve sleeping until 5pm, sitting in his room playing his guitar and video games and pretty much not doing anything to help around the house. Right now, I am pretty much paying for all of food in the house.If this continues, I am going to drain all of my money from my bank account and grow to really resent her.Is it time to leave?

[SoulTaker]

I was hesitant on moving in with her not so much because of the child but her 21 year old brother she has living with her. When I would visit her old apartment, he always had a sink full of dirty dishes, dirty clothes on the floor and ate everything in sight despite the fact that he paid very little rent. How should I move forward here? Is it time to leave?

 

Op, you been with her for 3 years, so you knew there was going to be trouble if you moved in. Why did you do it, when you knew that her brother was a deal-breaker?

 

There is no way you can stay in this situation. Not only must you move out, but you have to think of the bigger picture as to whether to stay in the relationship. she knows everything that is going on, and expects you to put up with it. That's unfair to you, and is selfish on her part.

 

This will sound controversial, but needs to be said. You cannot force her to decide on her brother, but you can force her to decide on you. If you move out, and also breakup with her (stating that it's an unhealthy relationship environment), then she'll either start working on getting her brother out of her life (to get back with you), or you weren't that important to her after all.

 

Something drastic is going to happen, and it's better if you be in control of it, rather than it emotionally explodes between the two of you (with you being the villain in wanting her to kick out her brother).

[abitbroken]

I would move out. I would move out until a ring was on her finger if you decide to marry and then you get a place for the two of you and her child. And don't marry now - move out for awhile first.

 

Why does her brother live with her? Does he have a disability? Or is he just sponging? Or did he move in to help her out initially?

 

If their parents are dead and he has some issue - such as a learning disability or emotional issues and she is basically saddled with him - then you get a place with an in law apartment and he can live in his own filth. Or he goes and lives with roommates if he is just lazy. Or he gets assessed if there is a true issue.

 

If she balks - then decide if you really want a life like that.