We're separated - Feels like I'm being forced to initiate divorce next steps now

[gp11a]

I tried to keep this short ...

 

10 year relationship. 3 years married. Everyone said we perfect together.

 

Trial separation about a year ago for one month. It was mutual, but she was the one to mention it and I agreed to her surprise (things just unraveled). We'd see how things went. We went on one date to her favorite band, but she was still so distant. Nothing improved, so I said we should continue for 5 more months (when she would finish nursing school)... I had hope that we could kind of start over and work on ourselves, but still see each other. We had agreed on terms of the separation (we were seeing a sex therapist since it's been many years since sex... she had some abuse in her past, so I was being supportive), had a "hall pass" if something were to happen elsewhere, and were supposed to see each other for dates (but she was to show more interest and initiation). I had to ask to see her and it was more just friends hanging out. Nothing changed again, but when the 6 month mark came around, I had started to have some hope that we could try things again... I didn't get those same feelings in return, but she always seemed to leave the door open somehow... as if she needed a little more time, had to figure things out... It messed with my head. We saw each other a few times over the next few months and she would still leave it hanging in some way (she was never 100% direct and that isn't good for someone with hope at the time). Now it's April 2016 and the hanging has just gotten tiresome and I'm more "ready" to take action... but now she isn't being very responsive at all. I had to basically nag her (not really, but had to remind and remind) to go sign our tax papers over two weeks so they wouldn't be late, for example. She's just not been the same person lately. She does suffer from depression and has been suicidal in the past, so I have that worry there. It has usually ended up with me putting her above my own feelings, which I know is not healthy... We've been together for 10 years and married for 3 years... I've gone from feeling sad, to indifferent, to feeling hopeful (when that 6 month mark came around), to feeling hurt, to feeling angry. Anyone relate?

 

I feel like she just wants me to initiate divorce for some reason... I don't know what the reasoning would be, to make me the "bad guy"? It's definitely seemed to work because I'm just sick of this now... She said previously when we started our separation, that if we got a divorce, she would not want anything from me... I hope that is the case, because I supported her and own everything... I'm a little worried. Of course, I want to see her well. She now has a pretty good paying nursing job since the last few months, is paying for an apartment now (instead of living with her mom), voluntarily stopped using my benefits (she uses her job's now), and hasn't taken any money out of our joint account in a long time (small amount of $). From those signs, it still seems there won't be drama or contention (because I don't want anything she has, either)... She always hated that she didn't contribute to income as much as I supported her (because I loved her), so I feel like she is glad she can be independent now... but I do feel very taken advantage of and she's just left me hanging when she's probably determined she's wanted to divorce me for a long time, but can't be DIRECT about it. She says she cares for me, but sees nothing changing. I thought differently a few months ago... I obviously care, but as each day passes, I get more and more tired of this situation. Nothing will ever change. I still think she is a good person, but nobody has ever hurt me more than she has. She has her own problems which are being amplified now. I think she doesn't want to lose me from her life entirely and wants me as a friend... Our last talk in-person, I got her really upset, because I said how much I had hoped things would have been different during the separation and she said that she "f***ed things up"... and needed time alone (she directly told me that, atleast).

 

She agreed to meet up this weekend so we can discuss next steps (and I will NOT be open to leaving this hanging anymore, this will be the point of meeting since my hope is entirely gone). We'll discuss removing her from my work benefits, putting all her bills in her name that might still be remaining, discussing splitting our pets, and setting a date to get her stuff entirely out of the house... and how to move forward from there (I still have hard time saying divorce). It needs to happen. I'm not looking forward to it, but I've been too patient and supportive throughout our marriage. I told her that I wanted to talk about next steps, that I'm tired of hanging, and that I share my thought/feelings but get nothing in return... things are stuck. I do know that I had a part in this being stuck, but I wasn't ready because I had hope and I wanted this to be a little friendlier than me serving her with papers. This is all new to me.

 

I'm not going to think anymore on what's going on in her head, because it's just all crazy-making. I need to focus on myself. I lost a lot of self-confidence in this relationship and realize it wasn't healthy now. We had set a time to discuss things, one way or another, last December when she graduated... and it just hung... Nothing was decided and the hope was still left there. Why won't she be DIRECT and communicate with me to move on? I can't let her dictate where the marriage goes anymore. Atleast I've grown through experiencing this and am more aware of warning signs.

[Schotjes]

There is no logical reason to hang on any longer. What you should do is ask her to write down on a piece of paper what her expectations are for your relationship, ask her to bring along to your meeting. If she is unsure or forgets, that is a clear sign that she isn't interested.

If I were you I would mention to her that you feel it is time to move forward with your life, and you can't keep waiting on her to decide if she is ready or not. I understand being depressed, but it sounds like her life is getting better. I would recommend just going for the divorce, but don't let her sorrows make you feel badly. I think she enjoys being on her own more so than being in a relationship/marriage with you.

Your level of confidence shouldn't be effected by her lack of interest. What you need to do is get the divorce and spend some time with yourself. Do life without the awful feeling of being unwanted. You're driving your life, and I wouldn't want to spend another minute caring about someone who doesn't care how their actions effect me.

It's time to be strong, and do this for yourself. Sounds like you deserve someone who would be hanging on your every word. Treating you with the same love that you apply to them.

Whatever you do, don't stop being the way you are. Women appreciate that immensely. When you start off with someone else, do the same things you would do for your wife. I think this isn't your issue, it's hers completely. Good luck on everything!

[abitbroken]

Never agree to a seperation - it is "trying things out to see if she can live without you" Physical separation should be if one of the partners is destructive/needs to go to rehab or the intent is divorce and in that state you need to be separated first. The minute you walked out that door - not on a fishing trip with the guys to each give eachother a couple days alone - but out of the house - it sealed the deal. For whatever reason, she is not ready to or does not want to deal with her past abuse or does not want to be married - and its too confrontational to ask for a divorce. Calling it time apart is the way to slip out the back door. In a marriage you don't do "time apart" - you go to counseling, you romance eachother and remember why you first got together, etc, and you fight for your marriage - or it ends.

 

I think that if you do not want a divorce - do not file a divorce! Don't file the paper because you think she is wanting you to. Instead, I would either stop bringing up where you stand and leave her alone about it and not talk to her for a time - and then attempt to try to either romance her or attend counseling together so you can talk things out without her declining to mention - in an environment where you will both be forced to speak.

 

If she files - different story.

[Movingforward3]

Sometimes people can't handle being the bad guy. They need someone else to blame. She wants you to files, so she can blame the end of the relationship on you. That's what she wants. It is your choice. Think you should follow thru so you can move on.

[Wiseman2]

Can your attorney draw up the papers stating all the terms you mentioned? After the decisions are made it may be best to communicate through your attorneys. The divorce can be amicable but nonetheless the terms need to be clear regarding finances, the residence, etc..

10 year relationship. 3 years married. Trial separation about a year ago for one month. Nothing improved, so I said we should continue for 5 more months. Now it's April 2016 and the hanging has just gotten tiresome and I'm more "ready" to take action... I feel like she just wants me to initiate divorce for some reason...She said previously when we started our separation, that if we got a divorce, she would not want anything from me...I think she doesn't want to lose me from her life entirely and wants me as a friend. We'll discuss removing her from my work benefits, putting all her bills in her name that might still be remaining, discussing splitting our pets, and setting a date to get her stuff entirely out of the house.

[Johnny Anony]

Sounds like she has a lot of guilt and does not like to see you hurt and avoids this living life like it doesn't exist. Move on with what is best for you. Don't talk about removing her from your benefits at work, just remove her. Start the process of divorce, this has gone on too long. If she wants you as a husband she has to verbalize this. Take action, don't allow her to drag you down emotionally by her not taking this situation urgently. It's almost disrespectful. Move on. I'm sorry for your pain, the sooner you get started the sooner this will all be over.

[gp11a]

Thanks for the replies, everyone... I so wished we could have had a normal relationship, but after more than a year in couples counseling, a sex therapist, and trying to work out our differences... It never seemed like she was as motivated as me in the relationship. I wasn't a priority. There were many things which snowballed to the separation, but I won't mention it here because I'd ramble. Though nobody expected this when we they found out or we told them. I had expressed my feelings and admitted my faults in a letter in January (when hope kicked in full gear). Never got a response (telling, hmm? spilled my heart out). She said she was surprised by my letter, but doesn't think anything will ever change with us (well, that was her response the next time I saw her). Since then, it's just been getting more numb for me because nothing ever happens. I've definitely given this time.

 

I don't want a divorce. I never wanted one, but I've been doing better without her... I miss her... but I know I need to separate our financial related stuff (as a start) because it's just money coming out of my pockets now. I don't think she has any urgency on her end. I don't want to be with someone who has no fight to be in a relationship with me. I'm having a hard time now maintaining this house (in my name only before we were married) and taking care of our pets, alone. Something needs to change...

 

I'll ask what she is expecting from all of this (does it matter anymore?) and bring up all of the things which need to be taken care of. I am having a hard time even saying "divorce" but it seems to be just looming, people I know expect it, and I expect it will happen now. She does seem fine being alone, especially now that she can be independent.

 

That is good advice about the attorney and I do plan on seeing one sometime soon... I am very resourceful and can prove most things if it ever becomes an issue... I'm not going to do something like this without a written agreement so it doesn't seem like I just up and did this, if contested. I have hope that this conversation with her will be helpful, productive, and calm.

[gp11a]

Well the talk happened.

 

It was very calm and we just talked about what we're doing. As if we were old friends having a talk. That sucked. She didn't show much emotion because she said she's gotten past that point. I did tear up a little. She doesn't want anything from me and it sounds like this will go smoothly... She said she'd communicate a lot more openly and frequently going forward now, so that we can settle things. It felt so business-like and cold. I had ordered some food, but we both weren't able to eat.

 

She said she let it linger because I was in denial not recognizing it was over and that she wanted this to be amicable, doing it together. She loves me like a friend. I was hopeful and I suppose I wasn't ready until now (don't have a choice, this is how it played out).

 

She's been pinching money (no internet or TV even) and is taking on a lot of responsibility she never had before, stuff I had always taken care of... but I think she likes being independent. Though, she's also been very depressed sleeping a lot, missing some of her bills, and stressing about her job. She said we've just become two different people and that we'd be happier apart, but as friends. That I wouldn't be happy with her and how she feels I had some image in my head of how she makes me happy.

 

Ugh, I feel like a lot is off of my shoulders (kind of relieved) now... I guess I can move on... but I'm not sure how I'm going to cope when looking at pictures. A majority of pictures I'm in have her in them from the past 10 years... A lot of the stuff I own we bought together. This house I bought for us to live in together. I had supported her. I really did love her. But I guess this is for the best, yeah? I guess some strong feelings will linger for a while and the changes will be tough.

 

I'll start looking into what we need to do... She said she would help more once she has internet.

[Lester]

"I wasn't a priority. There were many things which snowballed to the separation, but I won't mention it here because I'd ramble."

- Nobody likes talking about what created the failure..., but you must.

 

It's how marriages are saved. (First, second, third...)

[tina-rocks]

My ex did the same to me in terms of getting me to accept divorce and even got me to cite him, for unreasonable behaviour. All of it was a lie, as he had been having an affair, the last three years of our marriage. I'm not for one minute, saying I think she is covering something up, like an affair, but pre-warned means you are informed. Be careful, that you don't give anything away, without consulting a solicitor, or at least get some legal advice, so you have some control over how this goes down.

 

I am sooo! Sorry you are having to face this, I know how distressing it is.

[gp11a]

An update is that there is not much of an update... I had to follow-up with her and she thought we agreed to get her stuff out of the house by the end of June. I said, "No, we agreed to the end of May"... So, now it is the middle of June where she will get her stuff out. She did apologize for that.

 

I am hoping that the weekend we agreed to have her stuff out will be a milestone which can help me overcome all of this. I am still hurting a lot and not over her. Having her stuff in the house is not helping my healing (it leaves that 5% of hope still left), but I know that I have gotten stronger as time goes on, so it has been progressing... but I'm a mix of despair and optimism for the future right about now (because of this waiting). I had to unfollow her on FB so that I don't see her updates, not because I can't deal with seeing her or her posts (some might suck, like if she posts an attractive picture), but I don't like to see who is commenting and liking her stuff. She's reconnected with some exes who came out of the woodwork, I don't think she has any interest there honestly, but I feel that they do. She's a very friendly person in general, and that was always something I told her... It's easy for people to mistake her friendliness for liking them more than that... It was quite frustrating. I am still very attracted to her and it's tough, because nobody I've dated measures up to her. We even were a 100% match on a dating site, which was really weird.

 

She's been friendly with me, which is good, but we aren't talking (I'm not pondering on that, I only talk to her if needed). Not sure what her deal is, I think she wants to remain good friends after all of this -- I've done good at not worrying about what she's thinking about a lot, but only about what I can control... myself. I told her that I care, I realize where this has come to, and that is why I am asking for structure around all of this, so that we can work on this together, so I can heal (didn't say that last part, but I'm sure she got that). She had asked why I was suddenly pushing her to get her stuff out. It all sounds funny when I'm the one who wanted to try again, but it's been over a year now since she moved out. Things need to MOVE and not be at a standstill.

 

I did contact an attorney, but haven't met with him yet... I can't bring myself to that yet. I'm hoping it will be easier once her stuff is out of the house, like that will be a next milestone. Baby steps to overcoming this.

 

I guess it's normal that I just want to purge everything in my life right now? I'm in grad school (for a second time) and working full-time, so trying to keep myself busy. I try to keep myself pulled out of the dating scene for now (I took a 6 month break and then recently dipped back into it), because I know I'm not over her, so at least I'm aware of all of that. Not sure what I'm going to do, but I'm not going to make too many life changes at once... I guess this will take some time.

[Lester]

What caused her to want to leave?

 

Not/never compatible?

Abuse?

Infidelity?

 

What?

[gp11a]

She suffered a lot of abuse growing up - she suffers from depression (suicidal in the past) and we were working with sexual trauma she had when she was young, which affected our sex life. It had been years since we had sex... We were best friends, but essentially roommates. We were even seeing a sex therapist and things seemed to be getting better. I felt a big distance from her for a while. Suddenly, out of the blue, she said she wanted more friends and she started reconnecting with some exes. I was fine with it if they were just Facebook friends, but she was chatting with a now married ex, who is also has kids, all the time. Boundaries! I would never tell her who she could talk to. I told her how I felt and it didn't seem to matter. She was going to do what she was going to do, so that is one thing. I felt that my feelings never mattered. It felt like when I stood up and told her how I felt that she didn't care, she said maybe we should do a trial separation and I agreed. We had terms and everything set up for the trial separation organized by the therapist. She was supposed to show that she cared, was supposed to initiate things, and she never showed interest in getting together. I feel she just gave up.

 

We were supposed to give it some more time and then decide together what to do. That got delayed because she was in nursing school and it was very critical she passed certain exams. I was supportive and didn't want anything to mess with that. I was supportive. Well, I had hope and she apparently had already decided, but just didn't tell me until over 7 months after we separated. So, this caused all of the hanging, waiting, and delayed healing on my end...

 

She's given me some different reasons, such as she doesn't want to feel like my mom (I would try my best, but I would get critiqued on how I did a lot of things) and she didn't like that I would look at porn (which I would rarely if we had a sex life). And that we are just more like good friends ... after 10 years of being in a relationship together.

 

I've always heard the term "controlling" from people I tell my scenario too, but I don't think that is her. She was going through a lot, and I was being supportive. I had been working on building confidence in my individual therapy, which has gone great. My therapist thought it was interesting it was when I didn't give in when telling her how I felt, that was when she thought it would be good to move out temporarily. My therapist thinks when my wife saw me getting stronger and doing better with myself, that my wife did not like that (she is telling me to just move on, but understands I've been healing slowly... and that I am patient). It was all just a crazy experience that I couldn't make any sense of. Lots of money on couples counseling. She had even talked about having kids before our separation began... I feel like there was some miscommunication somewhere because I can't make sense of it, but my therapist has said she has seen me more like myself after all of this...

 

It's so much tougher because we don't hate each other, and she wants to do this together in divorcing, but isn't in any rush or has any timelines in mind. She's told me she still loves me, too, but thinks that she is just not a good fit for me or would make me happy. (really) She did always feel upset that she couldn't be a "perfect wife" (as she said) who would be able to have sex easily, and I was always supportive, but she did cry about that a lot before our separation.

 

It perplexes others who always saw us as a perfect couple. They were shocked (same couples who are fighting or have abuse, but they stay together). We both were "gag-a-rific" (as we would call it) in that we would enjoy just spending time with each other (affection) and others would point out that we were too cute, but it stopped with sex.

[ThatwasThen]

I think you'd do well to see your own therapist, "gp11a." Google "codependency" and White Knight Syndrome. Two things I think you will relate to when you do the reading.

 

I hope you come to terms with the ending of this relationship quickly so that you can find someone who you can be more then platonic friends with. You always knew that she had problems with sexual intimacy due to her past abuse where those issues have spilled over into other areas with depression and dependency. You turned into her caretaker which is the dysfunctional opposite of caregiver. Google those terms when you get a moment.

[gp11a]

I think you'd do well to see your own therapist, "gp11a." Google "codependency" and White Knight Syndrome. Two things I think you will relate to when you do the reading.

 

I hope you come to terms with the ending of this relationship quickly so that you can find someone who you can be more then platonic friends with. You always knew that she had problems with sexual intimacy due to her past abuse where those issues have spilled over into other areas with depression and dependency. You turned into her caretaker which is the dysfunctional opposite of caregiver. Google those terms when you get a moment.

 

Thanks, ThatwasThen. You're right, you make good points. And I do like that you differentiated between caretaker and caregiver...

 

And, it's funny, because I wasn't always like that and I seem to be only like that with her. Not sure why that is. Maybe it's just part of me trying to save the marriage, but it turned into dysfunction. It was making me a little crazy. I think my hope was that we've both changed during the separation and that the separation could have actually helped us break from the dysfunction. It's not going to happen, but a sliver of me still hangs... but not to jump right back into it - it would be a TON of work. I just need her stuff out and I, also, hope we can end this quickly... She seemed taken back when I started putting timeframes around things.

 

In therapy, my therapist and myself like that I am using sentences that begin with "I" instead of "she". I realized I was not putting myself first very often.

 

I've dated casually during the separation and I have reflected a lot on the normal give/take that I have received in each - something which was lopsided in my marriage. This long relationship was my only real long relationship (all of my 20's), so I guess this will all just be learning experience and "practice" to recall on for later on.

[Lester]

While separation of a day or less can have a value, anything more usually compounds the problem.

 

You have dated and I assume so has she.

This by itself nullifies the vows you made to each other.

 

For there to be any hope, you both need to come home, reconcile and renew.

If you can't, the acknowledgement process must begin.

 

Doing so frees you from further promise/vow-breaking, and begins the proper journey back to who you should be.