Fed Up With Partner

[Mallie]

I am really fed up with my partner. One issue which represents bigger issues in the relationship is his smoking. When we first got together he promised to quit. He hasn't.

 

The issue at the moment though is that he wants to smoke in the house. I spoke to him about this and explained that it was affecting my health, makes everything smell and invalidates our lease. He agreed - like he said, "I understand, and I totally agree!"

 

Yay, I thought, sorted. Except he keeps asking to smoke in the house. If I say no, sometimes he'll say ok, sometimes he'll launch into an excuse why he needs to (its cold, next door's kids are out. Sometimes i'll say yes just to avoid him making excuses. (I know I shouldnt).

 

This is a thing he does - negotiating my no's - not with sex but with everything else. My view is that no is a complete sentence. His is that it's the start of a conversation.

 

I feel like he shouldn't ask. I don't like confrontation, and constantly having to say no to him makes me feel anxious and resentful, and recently, angry. It also makes me feel like his parent, not his partner.

 

Am I over-reacting? How can I get him to take no for an answer?

[MrWallFlower]

You chose to be in a relationship with a smoker. What do smokers do? They smoke. It's not fair for you to get into a relationship with someone expecting to change them. I presume he knows how you feel about smoking. That being the case, you can either stay in the relationship or not. If not, it's not his fault that he didn't give up smoking--it's your fault for getting into the relationship and trying to change him.

[Wolfshook]

So basically you want him to do everything while you give nothing back? Why dont you rather say it's ok to smoke in that and that room at that and that time (while it's cold outside,etc)? It's about agreements not orders.

[Davidator]

I am really fed up with my partner. One issue which represents bigger issues in the relationship is his smoking. When we first got together he promised to quit. He hasn't.

When you got first together, he was a smoker. He still is. (MrWallFlower said it a lot better than me)

 

 

 

My view is that no is a complete sentence. His is that it's the start of a conversation.

Wow... just wow. I hope I dont end up with a parter who thinks like that. I would like my partner to take the bother hear my point of view. You get annoyed because he doesn't accept your prohibition and gives you his arguments?

 

Wolfshook stated it perfectly:

So basically you want him to do everything while you give nothing back? Why dont you rather say it's ok to smoke in that and that room at that and that time (while it's cold outside,etc)? It's about agreements not orders.

 

 

 

Without trying to sound bitter to you, I think yes, you overreact. And I think the question should be how can you be more open to a dialog, and respect his opinion rather than just forbidding him (a full grown adult) to do things

[Billie28]

You chose to date a smoker. If you don't want to date a smoker, then don't. At least you knew he was a smoker when you chose to date him, he probably didn't know he was dating an inconsistent nagger when he chose to date you.

[ThatwasThen]

I understand your frustration, OP because his dirty habit affects your health but unfortunately you chose to continue on with a smoker who is more concerned with his own comfort smoking then he is your health or his own.

 

Here's the kicker. You have 100% control over what you do but none over anyone else. You can ask for what you want but if it's not willingly given then it's your clue to make the changes you have control over and if that means you have to break up with him and find a non smoker then so be it.

[DancingFool]

So basically you both entered this relationship on false premises. He figured you'll just get over it and learn to accept his smoking and you figured he'll really change and drop his addiction. Well....not working out is it? So, is your health worth wrecking over this guy? If not, probably time to call it a day and show him the door.

 

As for the no part, why should he take you at your word when you fluctuate on its meaning? You say no, but then sometimes he gets to do it anyway.....so your "no" IS subject to debate and sometimes he wins. You personally taught him that your words can be debated and changed so he will try every single time simply because....hey it might be the time when he gets what he wants. What's the point of having boundaries if others can come in and push them.

 

Frankly, you taught him the day you learned about his smoking and kept dating him that your boundaries can be pushed. Bottom line is you need to make a decision - he is a smoker and is this a deal breaker for you. If it is, you need to leave him and that's that. I'd say give him an ultimatum, but I don't think he will take you seriously.

[Davidator]

I dont think it's about being more firm in your statements. I think the actual problem lays in wanting to change someone from the way we met him originally (and even getting annoyed when finding resistance).

 

He's not a dog that has to be consistently educated. They are both adults that have to learn to accept each other and to find compromises.

[j.man]

Can't add much except that you're seeing the reasons many people, myself included, draw a hard line when it comes to dating and smokers. I will say that in recent years, smokers tend to be a lot more conscientious and even smokers generally don't want their homes smelling like smoke. But obviously your boyfriend isn't among them.

 

As far as him quitting-- you've lost the war. You shouldn't have gone in thinking you could win it. You don't go into living with someone banking on them changing.

 

The only way I can see this possibly turning out favorably for you is to compromise with him. You'll accept his smoking, but he's got to do it outside.

[Mallie]

Wow. So your view is - he made a promise (unasked for by me) broke the promise - i'm at fault for believing his words?

 

I have no interest in changing him. My interest is my work clothes not smelling of smoke and us not losing our deposit, because we live in rented acommodation. My interest is in that my breathing is being affected, and he enthusuastically agreed to a compromise (smoking outside) that he is now breaking.

 

I am astonished that this is seen as unreasonable.

[1a1a]

I'm seconding your astonishment. Op wants him to not smoke in the house when IT'S PART OF THE LEASE AGREEMENT. The partner is endangering her health and her house situation let alone mental health.

 

I've lived with multiple smokers over the last 10 years, and all but one of them has managed to stick to smoking outside. (That one who did think she could brazenly smoke in the kitchen was out within the week). Not smoking inside is not an unreasonable request.

 

Op, you know how you feel about the rest of this relationship, you can try drawing the boundary where your partner only smokes outside (how does he respond to that boundary? This is valuable information). Or you can call it a day on this relationship because the fact that he'd rather put his comfort over your health is a red flag waving gently in the breeze

[Lightattheend1]

Get those no smoking signs and put em up. Tell him you want the deposit money...cause you aren't getting it back.. Help him find resources tobquit...electric cigs??

[Person1001]

One of my deal breakers is smoking, but I fell for a guy who smoked (he didn't tell me until I smelled it on his breath). Your bf will not stop unless he wants to stop and it doesn't look like he is going to stop or make an effort to any time soon. My ex made the same exact promises and never followed through, always said he would quit in a couple years or when he had children. Pretty much this comes down to your decision, you either accept the smoking (I did, but prob wouldn't lasted long) or leave him. Do not get your hopes up about him quitting if he said he will, which he will prob promise if you leave him.