General rant

[Guitarguy_82]

I don't really have a point, I just need to vent a bit..

 

I feel like my own feelings have been ignored or otherwise disregarded lately. Perhaps it is my fault for not voicing them appropriately, or not voicing them to the right audience, but the end result is the same: feeling unheard.

 

It's a lousy feeling and I guess it's temporary at the end of the day.

 

I'm unhappy with several aspects of my current situation, whether its my relationship, my family, my career, friends...pick a focus, its all the same. Maybe the problem is that I'm not focusing on myself enough. Could it be that if I shifted my priorities, these other "issues" would resolve themselves over time? Maybe, maybe not.

 

I recently had a big fight with my girlfriend, and we almost broke up. Indeed, she wanted to split. I embarrassed her in front of her friends (which I apologized for) and (including the reasons of many other issues) wanted to part ways. I promised and pleaded with her that things would be better, and I've tried my best to keep that end of the bargain. We had a great anniversary date the other night and I feel like things shifted back into the "happy" category. Great. Cool. Awesome.

 

In the meantime, I never really had a chance to talk about the issues she and I were fighting about with anyone. I'm somewhat of a loner and don't really foster relationships with my "friends". My good friends all live in other states now (jobs, family, etc) and I'm simply not as close with them anymore. For the ones that remain here, they have families of their own to deal with. I basically don't interact with anyone close to me. I work from home as well which further keeps me in a "hermit" state (I can go to the office, however I don't have an actual team to work with there ( we all are in different parts of the country), and its more hassle than its worth to physically be there for no real reason).

 

I'm close with my family, but I feel like the short time I spend with them is only spent on niceties and my sister's recent pregnancy/birth of her daughter. ie, whatever topic I may want to bring up is overshadowed by how happy everyone is by the new arrival to the family (myself included). Nobody wants to be bogged down by someone else's problems. My mom, who I am somewhat close to due to her and my dad's financial struggles, basically told me to take time for myself and figure it out. Good advice, in general I guess, however it fell a little flat.

 

Ironically enough, girlfriend wants me to get therapy and counseling for my mental health. I agree with this in principle, however I've had bad experiences with therapy in the past (in college) and personally find it somewhat pointless to just vent at someone for an hour who, at the end of the day, really doesn't care, and just wants to collect their paycheck. Why should I invest my time?

 

Maybe I'm too cynical, but I just don't think anyone cares anymore. The only fingers I can point are at myself for not developing the kinds of relationships I need in order to properly deal with these kinds of things.

 

Slowly but surely I'm trying to find productive ways to focus on myself. Studying for a new career has been one of my main "goals" to achieve a new life. I'd like to get involved in physical activities again (something I enjoy), and I feel like I can do that sooner rather than later.

 

At the end of the day, I'd like a new social circle, and perhaps even a new romantic situation (or even maybe a non-romantic situation...purely for the sake of figuring out what the heck is best for me).

 

Anyway, if anyone feels like they aren't heard, or are being ignored....you are not alone. Maybe it just takes time to figure out what the problem is, and its a day-by-day process.

[musicman777]

Well you guitarguy, you sound like a complicated man. You have a life, a career it sounds like, a woman, but for some reason, something about the world is making you frustrated and angry. What is it? Life just not exciting enough for you? You haven't really told us what is bothering you. IMHO I think you need to focus on bettering yourself as a person and your life. I think you should split with this girlfriend of yours as well. It sounds to me like it's a semi-toxic relationship ready to fall over and the fact that you admit to wanting a "different romantic situation" tells me you don't really *love* this person you are with.

I think you should give up on dating and be alone for a long while so you can focus on yourself and figure out what it is that is bothering you. It sounds like you seem very frustrated about something with the world and no one wants to listen. There's always someone that will listen, you just have to find them. This forum is a great start. You can make good friends on here and always vent here. Beyond that, maybe the girlfriend is right; you should try counseling. I'd like to think there are still professionals out there that actually care more than just getting a paycheck. Seems like you have a very negative attitude of the world and people in it.

 

Some food for thought; I am in a similar predicament to you albeit younger. I work from home, I have for 10 years, I also don't have many friends left for same reasons as you. You need to try to remember that you are fortunate and lucky. You have siblings, you have a mother, the girlfriend, well, it's up to you, you could keep her if you love her. You have a job, a roof over your head, right? You have technology, you came onto this site. You also have a guitar I'm assuming based of your username. Many people in the world don't have those things. Take your mind to a different place right now... Sudan, Africa. Think about some third world countries like that... there are kids in places of the world like Sudan that don't have clean drinking water. Put yourself in their shoes. Day after day after day, no water, no different clothing, no fast food, no TV, no clean bed, no privacy, they live in huts with a straw roof. They starve and have NO shelter, no medical care, no modern medicine. Meanwhile 20 feet away from you you probably have a sink with clean water and pop in the fridge, doritios, water, health. You can eat when you want, you have a private bathroom with modern sanitation. There are literally a billion people in this world that don't have those luxuries.

Think about North Korea as well. North Korea is a terrible country to live in. They don't have "democracy", they don't have elections. Kim Jong Un is their "god". They make fat jokes about him in America. You know what happens if you make fat jokes about him in Korea? They toss you in pit with hungry dogs. They have strict lives, strict curfews, you can't say what you want, you can't go where you want. 95% of their population isn't allowed to travel or leave the country. Not to mention they are also starving like Africa. Look at that American student there that took a poster off the wall from there. He was sentenced to 15 years in a harsh labor camp. How would you like to spend 15 years of your life in a labor camp for taking a poster off the wall in a hotel?

 

The point I am trying to make... sometimes you need to "count your blessings" and appreciate what you already have in life. You have a GOOD life. You live in Texas, lol. Texas is American soil; it's a free country. You live in a wonderful place in the world. Your life's not perfect. But you should be grateful for everything you have. Maybe you think counseling is BS. At least you have that as an opportunity. People in third-world countries and dictatorships don't have "counseling". I think about this kind of stuff a lot, almost every day. I am frustrated with the world myself. I get mad I can't get a girlfriend, I think my job should pay me more, I think life's unfair. But, at the end of the day, I try to take a step back and think, man, I have it good; I am very lucky to be where I am in life versus other people in this world. You know, I would rather being single, not be paid more, and miss other luxuries in life rather than live in a place like Sudan or North Korea. Think about that.

[Man with Dog]

I get exactly where you're coming from. My situation is different but related. Only difference is I'm old enough to be your dad and the choices get narrower. Although my wife and I have some friends we don't go out much and neglected our social lives because we concentrated on being parents. We are both in bad health and are chronically short of money. If we didn't live in the UK, we'd be homeless or dead, as we'd have to sell our house to pay medical bills. Music Man was right in that respect because in some countries people selling their homes to pay medical expenses is quite common.

 

IN my case, I can be happy if good things happen but, if they don't I sink into depression. Further to other posts, I don't have the happy gene.

[Guitarguy_82]

thanks for the reply, @musicman. Good food for thought.

 

Believe me, I totally appreciate everything I have or have accomplished so far. A few years ago I would have done just about anything to have a job where I can work from home 5 days a week, afford an apartment, have food on the table, and have a loving girlfriend. I've definitely been in worse situations.

 

I wouldn't necessarily say I'm "angry" at the world or anything. I don't expect things to be done for me or need others to see my points of view. Rather I am frustrated with my situation and what seems to be, from my perspective, a general loneliness, especially among those who are supposed to be "close" to me. Maybe that's just a function of growing up in our society. People drift apart, start families, focus on their own pursuits, and in general just keep to themselves. I don't know.

 

Like I said at the end of my post, I think just a change in my social circle would be a great plus. I have the ability to change things like that and it doesn't require therapy to figure out. Ideally I want to get back into shape so I can rejoin a dojo and practice martial arts, something I did a few years ago in another state, and really enjoyed. I'm working on that, slowly but surely.

 

As for the girlfriend, I love her and she makes me happy. Sure, we fight, but is that not also a sign of caring? In my opinion, if I didn't fight about something I cared about, well then I might as well be a doormat. Last time I checked, I am a feeling, free-thinking human. On the other side of that coin, we compliment each other, cook together all the time, connect on a more intellectual level, and we both love hockey. She's a great person and I love her family as well. She's definitely on the fast-track to success in her own career as well, as well as pursuing her PHD. Logically, everything points to saying that she is the one. For whatever reason, I am too insecure and feel that something else is "missing" from the equation. That is the part that has been nerve wracking. That is the part where I would consider therapy, because it scares the **** out of me to consider that I've been wrong about someone who is this amazing.

 

Fear, maybe that's the issue.

 

@Man with dog, sorry to hear about your situation. Indeed, my own parents are not in great health either and have had terrible financial luck. For all intents and purposes, it seems they are not going to retire quite as gracefully as expected, and its something I'm noticing I need to prepare for myself. I am frequently helping them out with money or other support as they age and its definitely challenging to deal with. Health care is also an issue because of the cost of medicine. As for housing, here in the US the housing market can be rough and the mortgage companies are out for blood if you don't play ball they way they want to play. (long story short, my dad lost his business with his twin brother and had 3 strokes.. my mom is his primary caretaker and they live off his social security checks. They've had to file for bankruptcy numerous times and frequently need my help. its not a situation I can just ignore and wash my hands of and say "oh well you deal with it").

[LeilaKay]

Guitarguy, one thing that you said stands out to me, and that is the general loneliness. I have felt the same thing and for what it is worth, sometimes we can be with people who are close to us and yet we are not sharing intimacy. Intimacy is when I can say whatever small or big thing that I am concerned about or that interests me or that I am wondering about, and the other person will hear it and take an interest in it. It is a way to "be known" to another person.

 

We also need to practice this intimacy with ourselves. People who are too busy can ignore their own interests (I do!). Like when I am walking down the street and see something odd and I do not stop and look at it or investigate it. That is like not listening to myself.

 

You have some things weighing on you in life, including your parent situation and the busy-ness of a career and relationship. Maybe what you are looking for is just a little breathing room and a little more intimacy in your life, not a major change or anything.

[Jibralta]

Ironically enough, girlfriend wants me to get therapy and counseling for my mental health. I agree with this in principle, however I've had bad experiences with therapy in the past (in college) and personally find it somewhat pointless to just vent at someone for an hour who, at the end of the day, really doesn't care, and just wants to collect their paycheck. Why should I invest my time?

 

In my opinion, this is the best part of therapy: the disinterested party. A therapist is a human being that is paid to sit there and listen to me basically talk to myself. I've gone to therapy twice in my life, for several years when I was a teenager, and again for a year when I was in my early thirties. The therapist doesn't really do anything but ask a few pointed questions when he (she) starts to see a general trend in my statements or behavior. I do all of the heavy lifting in that relationship. I make the changes.

 

I think the last few statements that you made in your post point to this same thing: you need to make the changes. No one else is going to make them for you. Nobody else cares to do so, and frankly it's nobody's responsibility to do so but your own.

[gaseousclay]

Good things can come from therapy, the problem is finding one that is a good fit for you. I felt the same way about therapists being a waste until my ex found one that really worked for us. A good therapist doesnt just listen to your problems -- they challenge the way you think and allow you to reconsider viewpoints that you've never considered before.

 

With that said, you have to figure out what's best for you. I'm the same way. I'm kinda of a loner myself and in the past I moved from one peer group to the next. It then occured to me, after seeing the therapist, that I did this because my so-called peers never measured up to my personal standards of friendship. In short, over time I saw things in my friends I didnt like and moved on. Also, I grew up in a military household and our family moved every 4-5 yrs, so all of my friendships were short-lived. My ex and I used to argue about the fact that I didnt have a social life. Nowadays I'm perfectly content being alone, especially after the horrible experience I went through with my ex. I have a good relationship with my little boy so that keeps me happy.

 

Do some soul searching and research therapists. Make no mistake, there are plenty of bad ones out there who are unqualified, despite being licensed, but finding a good one can be beneficial imo

[Hermes]

Guitarguy:

 

Your post shows that at least you think and examine your life. Life in this old world is no walk in the park and is not for the faint-hearted. So it is no wonder we are at times halted in our tracks and left musing as to what the heck is going on! You probably feel you are on a treadmill. You are young, very, at 34. So, maybe this is the opportunity to stand at the crossroads and see what YOU would really like to do.

Reading your post I don't think there is anything wrong with your mental health. You sound like a realist.

 

As for family and friends, well, people get immersed in their own concerns, events and happy or unhappy moments. When all is said and done, one is one's own best friend. Never a truer word.

 

Only one thing I'd take issue with you about

 

"Sure, we fight, but is that not also a sign of caring?"

 

Infrequent Flare-ups and little rows are indeed part and parcel of a relationship, and any couple who tells you they never have a row are lying L.

However, frequent fights (and you use the word fight) are not good and are damaging to a relationship and (not me saying it) likely to lead to eventual break-up.

 

You are evidently a caring and responsible person, and I see you are helping out your aging parents. This is quite a burden as you describe it, and perhaps has an effect on how you are feeling overall at the moment.

 

Good luck!