Random Acts of Kindness or Selfishness...?

[Cynder]

So, my long term boyfriend decided a little over a week ago that he thinks we need time apart to grow and be better people. He did this to me on the front porch of the house I just bought, that I hoped him and I would live in together eventually. So, it's been a really rough week, needless to say.

 

And I have been trying to be a better person, like we both agreed to do. And one thing I've been doing are random acts of kindness. Like, for example, I take a pen and post its with me everywhere I go now. And every time I'm in a public restroom I write something nice on a post it and stick it on the mirror. And I plan on baking cookies on Wednesday to take to work and put in the breakroom. I've also made it a point to compliment strangers. This Saturday I am planning on going to the Humane Society and walking dogs.

 

So, I know none of this is earth shattering stuff. But I sincerely believe everything we do affects humanity. I think it all ripples out. And I am doing this stuff because it makes me feel good during such a rough time. And that has me questioning my real motives. I mean... how kind is any of it if I am just doing it to make myself feel better?

 

I have done other things like this in the past when I wasn't going through a crisis in my life. Like when I was a telemarketer... there were some people I talked to who were so nice, and you could tell they were so lonely. So around late November I started writing down names and addresses of the people I talked to who really touched me in some way, and I sent them Christmas cards. I have also volunteered on crisis hotlines and at battered women's shelters. I'm an artist, and I just donated a painting to a show that will benefit a battered women's shelter.

 

So it's not like I have never done a kind thing ever before now. But now that I am so depressed and doing nice things makes me feel better, I kind of feel like a hypocrite. I don't know if that makes any sense at all but that's how I feel.

 

Anyone have any opinions on this?

[nuttybuddy]

doing good IS rewarding. i wouldn't call that selfishness unless you were doing the good thing ONLY for the reward. it sounds like to me that you genuinely enjoy helping others and doing good. and you feel good doing those things, but you are feeling guilty for feeling good. don't rob yourself of the joys in life. you have found a wonderful thing -- the reward of helping and doing good. it will spur you on to do more good.

 

ask yourself, do you really not care about what good comes out of the people who you help but only care enough that you wanna pat yourself on the back?

[browneyedgirl36]

I think this is a GREAT idea! I think that it will make you feel better, too. I have done similar things -- turned heartbreak into kindness toward others -- and it really did make me feel better. It's especially great because there are SO many people out there feeling sad, or down on themselves, or stressed about life, and finding that note, or those cookies, etc. will make them realize that someone cares, even if they don't know that someone.

 

I applaud you for this, and I hope it helps you. I like that you're being so proactive about feeling better. It may take awhile, but you will, eventually. Hang in there!

[j.man]

Selfishness isn't inherently a bad thing. It's a person who has to force themselves to do good things because it's something they don't want to do who really worries me.

[Batya33]

I think it's fine if it's a balance - then everyone benefits! When I barely had a moment to breathe two weeks ago I spent about an hour hunting down a sitter for a distant cousin who was coming into my old town, and needed a sitter for her son who has autism so she could take her daughter on college tours. She knows no one in that town. I found her the perfect person, who I knew personally and they both were so grateful. I was too busy to focus on whether I'd get the reward of appreciation - I just followed up to make sure they had actually connected. I did it impulsively that time - but sure there are other times I would also consider the benefits to me - the networking opportunities or perhaps needing a favor in the future. Nothing wrong with it.

[catfeeder]

It's a reasonable question to which we all have our own answers. When we're honest with ourselves, we know those answers.

 

During my hurricane recovery year of living in a new and empty place, I did more reaching out than I'd done in several years put together. I helped family and friends and neighbors with every project from yard work to cleaning to running errands--you name it. While that was one way to avoid being alone (having always thrived on solitude before), it was also a time of bonding and extreme gratitude. So, yes, I felt that I was 'getting' while I gave, but I also appreciated every moment and this amplified my ability to push forward without making everything about 'me'.

 

The most thoughtful and generous people I know give without expectations beyond how fabulous it makes them feel. In contrast, I've known two women over the years who made me uncomfortable with their giving ways. I sensed strings attached as I noticed them constantly striving to 'serve' and surround themselves with people. Sure enough, during times of stress or discord, they both whined about giving so much and being such generous people while others didn't give back to them a fraction of what they gave. Hmmmm.

 

This confirmed what I knew intuitively--there's giving from place of love and generosity, and there's giving from a place of neediness that seeks a reward. If the gift itself IS your reward, you'll know it, and you'll feel inspired to keep giving no matter what. If the gift is to manipulate attention or future payoff, then you'll ride that bubble until it busts and you'll feel ripped off.

 

So as long as you're keeping your eyes on your own paper, and your motivation to give is self generated and not dependent on a response from others, you're golden. If you seek attention or a payoff, then it's not as though you're racking up some punishing karma, it's just a setup for a rude awakening when the imagined payoff doesn't come.

 

Head high, and keep going. During times of challenge, your goals needn't be lofty. You can relax into just doing the best you know how, and your only goal can be to avoid drilling yourself into a deeper pit to climb out of. You may end up pleasantly surprised how quickly and unexpectedly you can ascend from a place of merely treading water and keeping yourself afloat. When acts of kindness can keep you there, they aren't selfish, they're practical.

[Cynder]

It's a reasonable question to which we all have our own answers. When we're honest with ourselves, we know those answers.

 

During my hurricane recovery year of living in a new and empty place, I did more reaching out than I'd done in several years put together. I helped family and friends and neighbors with every project from yard work to cleaning to running errands--you name it. While that was one way to avoid being alone (having always thrived on solitude before), it was also a time of bonding and extreme gratitude. So, yes, I felt that I was 'getting' while I gave, but I also appreciated every moment and this amplified my ability to push forward without making everything about 'me'.

 

The most thoughtful and generous people I know give without expectations beyond how fabulous it makes them feel. In contrast, I've known two women over the years who made me uncomfortable with their giving ways. I sensed strings attached as I noticed them constantly striving to 'serve' and surround themselves with people. Sure enough, during times of stress or discord, they both whined about giving so much and being such generous people while others didn't give back to them a fraction of what they gave. Hmmmm.

 

This confirmed what I knew intuitively--there's giving from place of love and generosity, and there's giving from a place of neediness that seeks a reward. If the gift itself IS your reward, you'll know it, and you'll feel inspired to keep giving no matter what. If the gift is to manipulate attention or future payoff, then you'll ride that bubble until it busts and you'll feel ripped off.

 

So as long as you're keeping your eyes on your own paper, and your motivation to give is self generated and not dependent on a response from others, you're golden. If you seek attention or a payoff, then it's not as though you're racking up some punishing karma, it's just a setup for a rude awakening when the imagined payoff doesn't come.

 

Head high, and keep going. During times of challenge, your goals needn't be lofty. You can relax into just doing the best you know how, and your only goal can be to avoid drilling yourself into a deeper pit to climb out of. You may end up pleasantly surprised how quickly and unexpectedly you can ascend from a place of merely treading water and keeping yourself afloat. When acts of kindness can keep you there, they aren't selfish, they're practical.

I

 

I try to be as anonymous as I can. I only put notes in the bathrooms when I know no one else is in there. And today I bought the stuff to make cookies for my co-workers. And then went on this whole mental tangent figuring out how I will bring them to work and place them in the breakroom without being seen because I don't want people to know it was me.

 

I don't expect a reward. I just want to make someone else's day a little better because that makes me feel better. This is a time when I need to do all I can to make myself feel better. Honestly it's this or drugs and alcohol (which I have heavily considered.) I will admit alcohol and sleeping pills have had a hand in keeping me sane the last week. But I am trying to cut them both out. I already cut out caffeine.

[catfeeder]

I try to be as anonymous as I can. I only put notes in the bathrooms when I know no one else is in there. And today I bought the stuff to make cookies for my co-workers. And then went on this whole mental tangent figuring out how I will bring them to work and place them in the breakroom without being seen because I don't want people to know it was me.

 

I get it. The goal is relaxation making something great and the joy of giving it to make people happy--but if the goal of anonymity interferes with the relaxation or becomes a barrier to doing it altogether, then suck it up and forget that part. Some people won't partake of homebaked goods unless they trust the giver anyway, and others might like your recipe enough to want to know the source--so don't get in your own way, just give it over.

 

I don't expect a reward. I just want to make someone else's day a little better because that makes me feel better. This is a time when I need to do all I can to make myself feel better. Honestly it's this or drugs and alcohol (which I have heavily considered.) I will admit alcohol and sleeping pills have had a hand in keeping me sane the last week. But I am trying to cut them both out. I already cut out caffeine.

 

Cutting caffeine alone has acted as a nice tranquilizer for me. I didn't realize how much I consumed, and I couldn't figure out why stress was getting the better of me--I'm confident in my work, so why was I feeling hostile toward mere inquiries and defensive and judgmental? Then I started feeling palpitations, and that had me knocking the stuff off. Sure enough, I've returned to my patient and contented self, and I don't notice a taste difference between caffeinated versus not.

 

Alcohol and sleeping meds over the same day is problematic, so pick which poison you want to go with and shut down the other. Both are depressants, and the most dangerous thing they depress is your heart muscle--so skip one if you've consumed the other during a 24 hour period. Notice that your ability to sleep minus caffeine is enhanced anyway, and try meditation techniques before bed.

 

If you pick alcohol, limit consumption to a glass or two, or your ability to fall asleep may be enhanced while your ability to STAY asleep goes out the window. Once you've metabolized alcohol, your nervous system bounces and it can wake you up. If that happens, do NOT reach for the sleep meds. Use some PTO time if you can't get to work or through work, but don't jeopardize your, ehm...LIFE...by popping anything after you've done any wine or booze.

 

Sleep nice,

Cat

[Cynder]

I get it. The goal is relaxation making something great and the joy of giving it to make people happy--but if the goal of anonymity interferes with the relaxation or becomes a barrier to doing it altogether, then suck it up and forget that part. Some people won't partake of homebaked goods unless they trust the giver anyway, and others might like your recipe enough to want to know the source--so don't get in your own way, just give it over.

 

 

 

Cutting caffeine alone has acted as a nice tranquilizer for me. I didn't realize how much I consumed, and I couldn't figure out why stress was getting the better of me--I'm confident in my work, so why was I feeling hostile toward mere inquiries and defensive and judgmental? Then I started feeling palpitations, and that had me knocking the stuff off. Sure enough, I've returned to my patient and contented self, and I don't notice a taste difference between caffeinated versus not.

 

Alcohol and sleeping meds over the same day is problematic, so pick which poison you want to go with and shut down the other. Both are depressants, and the most dangerous thing they depress is your heart muscle--so skip one if you've consumed the other during a 24 hour period. Notice that your ability to sleep minus caffeine is enhanced anyway, and try meditation techniques before bed.

 

If you pick alcohol, limit consumption to a glass or two, or your ability to fall asleep may be enhanced while your ability to STAY asleep goes out the window. Once you've metabolized alcohol, your nervous system bounces and it can wake you up. If that happens, do NOT reach for the sleep meds. Use some PTO time if you can't get to work or through work, but don't jeopardize your, ehm...LIFE...by popping anything after you've done any wine or booze.

 

Sleep nice,

Cat

 

Th night he left I drank multiple alcoholic beverages and then took a sleeping pill. And the sad part is I knew it was dangerous and didn't even care. I don't fear death, especially in times of heartache. So I didn't really care if I didn't wake up. Thankfully I am past that now. I talked to my Mom about my suicidal thoughts and she told me if nothing else, think of how much it would hurt my family.

 

I never realized how much I relied on caffeine until I was getting ready to do Ayahuasca. Most people go on a pretty strict diet and have to restrict a lot of dopamine producing behavior beforehand. I had to cut out caffeine then and didn't think it would be any big deal... until I did it. That first day without it was really bad. My head hurt so bad all day... and I couldn't take anything for it because you also can't take any drugs, even stuff like aspirin and ibuprofen are off limits. But eventually I didn't even mind not having it.

 

I am cutting it out now for the same reasons you did. It just makes me a less pleasant person.