how could i have believed that

[lovehearts123]

the one thing stopping me from healing completely is blaming myself for what happened. he always used to blame me for any small thing that went wrong and say I am a drama queen and emotional wreck. afterwards, i realised how bad he was treating me during the relationship and how blind i was to all the signals that he was giving me that this wouldnt work at all, and that he is not compatbile with my own way of thinking. for example, i let him get away with having girls round because he said they were friends. he told me he wanted to talk to more girls before he was able to make a serious commitment (marriage) to me. he told me he'd stay with me forever as long as I accepted what he was saying. i believed every lie he told me whilst also supporting him emotionally by being in a relationship with him, not out of a lack of self esteem, but because i genuinely trusted him and wanted him to figure things out.

 

everyone says love yourself first, and I really believe I do, and have a high self esteem. but i blame myself for not seeing all these so called 'red flags'. how do i get over that

[ThatwasThen]

You get over it by learning from the experience and setting personal boundaries for yourself that will keep you safe from the same thing happening to you again. That is something that you can forgive yourself for as you take it forward while being all that much more dating savvy.

 

You'll be okay. Being aware of and accepting your own culpability without considering yourself a victim is how good self worth and strength to leave poor situations is formed. Good for you.

[ParisPaulette]

Well, first you get over it by accepting those weren't "so-called red flags," because there was nothing so=called about them. It's pretty in your face, blatant, when someone tells you that you should like something you don't and they know you don't, but they're going to do it anyways.

 

At that moment you have a choice, you either choose to remain and accept the itchy horrible hair shirt they're offering you or you walk away, realize it'll hurt a bit since they aren't who you thought they were, and then you heal and move on. Which is actually what you're doing now. And you need to change your view from you as victim who lost all her power to woman who was finally set free to make a choice, and what you choose it not to go down that road again. Ever. No matter how much you might love or think you love someone.

 

Here's a really hard truth that just seldom ever gets addressed. Every one of us CAN walk away from someone who is bad for us, toxic in some way, or just maybe even okay but not compatible. We can do this when we're in love. We can do this when we don't want to. We can even do this when we think we can't. But still every single person out there CAN choose freedom from pain, accept there will sometimes be a more immediate pain to deal with in the break up, and move on.

 

And yes, you do recover even when you are in love with the other person. Is it easy? No, but neither is staying in a relationship that causes one endless pain and upset and fights and worse.

 

We all hurt ourselves when we're infants and then toddlers and learning to crawl then walk then run. And breaking up and choosing freedom and happiness can often feel like that too. And please remember, as a child you pushed on past the occasional fall and scrape, you pulled yourself up, you learned to walk and run and be happy doing so. The pain was temporary. And breakups are like that too.

The pain is temporary, it's part of you growing past that experience and seeking freedom and pulling yourself up off the ground.

 

And if you really can't get past it and you've tried everything else then go see a therapist for a couple of sessions. Go work out daily on a gym bag. Journal every nasty thought in your head and il wish and teary "Why did I? Why did you"" until you are sick to death of the entire topic. Set a timer daily and allow yourself say 15 minutes of wallowing time in which you just wallow the heck out of the breakup. And then when that timer goes off you put it away, and you go out and you do something instead of staying stuck in your head.

 

On top of that, find a new passion. A new activity or place to hang out or skill or take a class, something, anything to get yourself back into the real world

 

Those things help tremendously, not all at once, but over time they have a cumulative effect. So start and go to it. You also need to learn what are red flags and not have a viewpoint of them being so-called anything. If it's a dealbreaker for you and something you don't like, at the end of the day that's all that really matters. If you want a relationship where someone doesn't feel a need to be off exploring parts unknown with other women then it's your dealbreaker, not his, and you tell him it doesn't work for you and you go.

 

Bottom line, it's your life. And the past is done, the future always open, rewrite your story as not a hapless victim, but someone who tried a relationship that does not work for you. And you move on and find other things in your life to be jazzed about. And you give it time, because yes time does heal that. So does distance, lots and lots of distance as in never speaking to the toxic person again.

 

And then you accept that you were a fool for love, the way most of us have been at one time or another, and you heal and move forward. And yes, that takes more time than just a month or two.

 

Find the things that boost yourself confidence now, that give you something else to focus on, and do that instead.

[Realitynut]

PP....I just love you. Just what needed to hear this today as I was wallowing!

[lovehearts123]

do you think that having a positive outlook for the future is useful? ie. thinking that i deserve better AND will find it in the future. is that a good thing to be thinking of right now?

[ParisPaulette]

do you think that having a positive outlook for the future is useful? ie. thinking that i deserve better AND will find it in the future. is that a good thing to be thinking of right now?

 

Absolutely, but it's also that you go out and get a more positive future for yourself in all areas of life, not just the romance department. There's something to be said for not having another person be your sole and only reason to get up in the morning, feel happy, be entertained etc.

 

Be satisfied and interested in your life, and willing to let go of anyone or anything who isn't enhancing it.

[ThatwasThen]

do you think that having a positive outlook for the future is useful? ie. thinking that i deserve better AND will find it in the future. is that a good thing to be thinking of right now?

The Universe gives back to you what you put out to it so, yes... knowing that you deserve better will certainly help to keep you away from those that don't show you that they value you because in your knowledge, you'll quickly chuck them from your life.

[catfeeder]

everyone says love yourself first, and I really believe I do, and have a high self esteem. but i blame myself for not seeing all these so called 'red flags'. how do i get over that

 

By treating yourself as kindly as you would anyone else you love. Blame is a pretty harsh word. How often do you use it on anyone else who makes a mistake?

 

I find it helpful to move toward something rather than to dwell where I don't want to be. Take the lesson, be grateful to yourself for understanding it, and trust that you will use it well as you move forward.

 

Head high.