why is he acting like this?

[goddess]

Hi guys,

 

Sad to admit, but I am in my early sixties (yes, that bothers me to some degree). Can't quit believe it but I don't feel it or look it, as disgusting/unbelievable as it you may think. I've been told by a number of doctors that I look amazing for my age. Supposedly, their primary job is not to give compliments, right? Anyway, I try to please my hubby with the more kinky sex that he likes even though that is not my cup of tea. Marriage is a compromise, right? We've been married for 26 yrs. Great right? Last year, he had a very busy year at work, making it nearly impossible to fulfill his needs as he likes. And, it goes without saying, that he and I were tired at the end of the day.

 

I had surgery on my foot for three summers in a row. I broke my heel in June and I was in an air cast for one month. Then, I had surgery to repair a hammer toe and two bone spurs. (Sucks getting old - LOL). Also, I lost partial hearing due to a benign tumor. I have balance issues now (I often lose my balance due to nerve damage caused by the tumor). I had one dose of radiation last year on my birthday. All minor bumps on the road but still, somewhat stressful. Things could be a lot worse, for sure.

 

Sex was not my number one priority due to all these 'bumps' on the road. Long story short, he has distanced himself during the latter part of last year because I, obviously, didn't fulfill his kinky sexual needs. Don't get me wrong; I satisfied him orally nearly every night with no reciprocation on his part. At first, I didn't think much of it, thinking he was tired, but it blind-sighted me when I realized that he was pissed off at my lack on sexual interest. It hurts to be rejected. Am I the moron who just didn't see it coming, or do you think he is just too focused on his sexual needs?

 

He stopped saying "I love you", etc and is very cold towards me. I feel that I don't deserve this treatment but I am scared to confront it with it because I don't like confrontation.

 

what should I do or say? I thank you for your input.

[luckypaxton]

40 y/o male here, and I think he's being a selfish t w a t. That may seem blunt or rude, but it's my opinion.

 

Have you two had a conversation about what his problem may be? You say it blind-sighted me when I realized that he was pissed off at my lack on sexual interest", but not if he told you that or if you came to that realization on your own.

 

Health issues and recovery are bumps, yes. But it's part of marriage and getting older. It sounds like you two need to talk. Maybe he thinks you have lost interest in the things you once shared together and were just servicing him? I dunno.

 

But I stand by my opinion.

[ThatwasThen]

What exactly is it that you want to say to him or ask of him? To not want to be kinky anymore? To reciprocate the oral? To give you a break that you're recovering from some "bumps in the road and to please be patient?" You want to know why he's not saying I love you?

 

I'm not sure what it is you want to fix but whatever it is, just communicate with him. After 26 years of marriage to the same person, I'm unable to understand why you would be afraid of confrontation with him. After all that time, you don't know how to ask him things or discuss issues without fear?

 

Whatever it is you want to talk to him about tell him you love him (if you do) and then just be candid. He can't remedy if he doesn't know what's eating you. If you've been given him a little sumpin/sumpin everyday for 25 years and then on the 26th year it stops, he's probably wondering if you still love him too. I don't think he's up on the empathy to your hurdles so spell it out to him and he can to you and you both can remedy .

[goddess]

40 y/o male here, and I think he's being a selfish t w a t. That may seem blunt or rude, but it's my opinion.

 

Have you two had a conversation about what his problem may be? You say it blind-sighted me when I realized that he was pissed off at my lack on sexual interest", but not if he told you that or if you came to that realization on your own.

 

Health issues and recovery are bumps, yes. But it's part of marriage and getting older. It sounds like you two need to talk. Maybe he thinks you have lost interest in the things you once shared together and were just servicing him? I dunno.

 

But I stand by my opinion.

 

 

Thank you for answering, but we agreed some time ago (again) that I would fulfill his sexual desires as best I could because I deeply love him (mushy, I know). As I mentioned, what he likes does not turn me on but, if it makes him happy, I was willing to give it my best shot. I do understand where he is coming from; however, it is not a turn of for me. Actually, I think it is kind a warped.

 

I just thought that, considering what I've been through, he would give me a break. I love plain and simple vanilla sex but, apparently, he doesn't as much. Or, more accurately, that is not enough for him. As I mentioned, I satisfy him orally just about every night. Can't he just be happy with that? Guess not. Anyway, I am so afraid to talk to him about it because he makes me feel that I am not making an effort. And, I find it extremely stressful to talk about it. Damn...

[goddess]

What exactly is it that you want to say to him or ask of him? To not want to be kinky anymore? To reciprocate the oral? To give you a break that you're recovering from some "bumps in the road and to please be patient?"

 

I'm not sure what it is you want to fix but whatever it is, just communicate with him. After 26 years of marriage to the same person, I'm unable to understand why you would be afraid of confrontation with him. After all that time, you don't know how to ask him things or discuss issues without fear?

 

He has an ability to make me feel overwhelmed with guilt for not doing the kinky things that he likes. I try to explain that I am going out of my comfort zone to please him but it's so hard and stressful for me. I want to please him so much but if it's not for me, what can I do? I am a person that will not give up on a "challenge" no matter what but I've gotten off track with this kinky stuff and I don't know how to get on the right tract again. We were doing pretty well at the beginning of last year but, as I mentioned, life got in the way.

[RainyCoast]

i read your previous threads on his famdom marriage demands that you were unable to ditch your idea of making love for.

 

now he is being a self-centred ass resenting his wife for not contorting a body that is undergoing radiation and fighting fractures and diseases to suit his own needs.

 

way too much tact to use when describing someone like him imo, but yes, he is overly focused on his own expectations.

 

you have been together a truly long time. i've noticed right after explaining you simply can't do something that he is asking of you, you end it with a self-deprecating comment. "i'm not very imaginative" or such, as if to convince yourself and us that you're somehow at fault for him not getting his humiliation fetish met. i can't believe someone would just start acting so entitled suddenly after all these years together and it makes me sad to think he has made you feel responsible for his frustrations at not getting his way (even when he is being unreasonable) throughout this entire marriage. somehow i think he has.

 

you sound marvelous. 60 and youthful, vibrant, funny, smart and openminded. you just can't pull off humiliation as part of the intercourse, it reeks of something you don't want, rather than love. for some people, it's not fun and they have difficulty associating it with something two loving people do. it's okay.

 

having felt so pressured, i'm amazed you could still get yourself to even have sex with him. if i were you i'd probably sooner see myself humping a cactus than getting close to a sex bully.

[ThatwasThen]

He has an ability to make me feel overwhelmed with guilt for not doing the kinky things that he likes. I try to explain that I am going out of my comfort zone to please him but it's so hard and stressful for me. I want to please him so much but if it's not for me, what can I do? I am a person that will not give up on a "challenge" no matter what but I've gotten off track with this kinky stuff and I don't know how to get on the right tract again. We were doing pretty well at the beginning of last year but, as I mentioned, life got in the way.

When you sit down with him and tell him what you're so candidly telling us, that you have done your best to please him but you are not up to it due to your health condition, what does he tell you?

 

If you have been accommodating his kink for 26 years, you're going to have a hard time getting him to accept vanilla love making now I'd imagine. That doesn't mean you should keep doin it though if you actually don't want to. That's called exercising your personal boundaries and guilt be damned.

What would he do if you just straight up told him, sorry, I'm unable to do that anymore.

[goddess]

i read your previous threads on his famdom marriage demands that you were unable to ditch your idea of making love for.

 

now he is being a self-centred ass resenting his wife for not contorting a body that is undergoing radiation and fighting fractures and diseases to suit his own needs.

 

way too much tact to use when describing someone like him imo, but yes, he is overly focused on his own expectations.

 

you have been together a truly long time. i've noticed right after explaining you simply can't do something that he is asking of you, you end it with a self-deprecating comment. "i'm not very imaginative" or such, as if to convince yourself and us that you're somehow at fault for him not getting his humiliation fetish met. i can't believe someone would just start acting so entitled suddenly after all these years together and it makes me sad to think he has made you feel responsible for his frustrations at not getting his way (even when he is being unreasonable) throughout this entire marriage. somehow i think he has.

 

you sound marvelous. 60 and youthful, vibrant, funny, smart and openminded. you just can't pull off humiliation as part of the intercourse, it reeks of something you don't want, rather than love. for some people, it's not fun and they have difficulty associating it with something two loving people do. it's okay.

 

having felt so pressured, i'm amazed you could still get yourself to even have sex with him. if i were you i'd probably sooner see myself humping a cactus than getting close to a sex bully.

 

Reading your comments gave me a sense of relief. Regarding your last sentence: he unfortunately has turned himself off completely. There is no more sex (as of around October), no more affectionate gestures and no more "I love you" after a phone and/or test message. I realised this back around October or so, and a couple of months after I also stopped pleasing him orally. No holding hands, no I love you from my end either. How much rejection can I take (again). Yes, I don't want to talk to him about it just yet because it stresses me out and I just don't need more stress right now. I guess sooner or later I will have to talk to him. I am so fed up with this nonsense. I just wish he would grow up and be grateful for all that he has. and trust me, he has so much.

[goddess]

When you sit down with him and tell him what you're so candidly telling us, that you have done your best to please him but you are not up to it due to your health condition, what does he tell you?

 

If you have been accommodating his kink for 26 years, you're going to have a hard time getting him to accept vanilla love making now I'd imagine. That doesn't mean you should keep doin it though if you actually don't want to. That's called exercising your personal boundaries and guilt be damned.

What would he do if you just straight up told him, sorry, I'm unable to do that anymore.

 

Well, I've been trying, on and off, for years to accommodate his kink (mostly being unsuccessful, but at least trying my best). I guess it's just not in me so be that kinky. I am not a prude (at least I don't think so). It's partly my fault for letting him believe and promising that I will do it but, for some reason, I always fall to the side. I stop the kinky stuff (but not the vanilla stuff) after a while and that's what disappoints him. I didn't want to tell him that it just didn't turn me on without giving it my best shot. So, ultimately, I am not very nice in building up his hopes and then falling flat on my promise. But, I feel that I get an "A" for effort - LOL!

 

As far as telling him that I'm unable (or unwilling) to do that anymore: well, he would be highly disappointed and probably resent me on a subconsciece level. He's just that way. He even suggested possible divorce last year because he is so unhappy in the sexual arena. Plus, I feel awful for not pleasing him since he always used to please me (orally). Guess my needs are simple compared to his.

me

[greta96]

Holy selfishness ! At his age you'd think he would have finally learnt that there is more to marriage and women than sex, but I guess not. You sound like you can make a man happy easily; the same cannot be said about him. Let him have his divorce, and wish him good luck finding someone else willing to do even a quarter of the sexual stuff you've done all these years! If he thinks he's unhappy in the sexual arena now, he's in for a very rude awakening.

Seriously, why are you putting up with this moron? I know you said you love him, but he doesn't sound all that lovable to me?

[ThatwasThen]

Well, I've been trying, on and off, for years to accommodate his kink (mostly being unsuccessful, but at least trying my best). I guess it's just not in me so be that kinky. I am not a prude (at least I don't think so). It's partly my fault for letting him believe and promising that I will do it but, for some reason, I always fall to the side. I stop the kinky stuff (but not the vanilla stuff) after a while and that's what disappoints him. I didn't want to tell him that it just didn't turn me on without giving it my best shot. So, ultimately, I am not very nice in building up his hopes and then falling flat on my promise. But, I feel that I get an "A" for effort - LOL!

 

As far as telling him that I'm unable (or unwilling) to do that anymore: well, he would be highly disappointed and probably resent me on a subconsciece level. He's just that way. He even suggested possible divorce last year because he is so unhappy in the sexual arena. Plus, I feel awful for not pleasing him since he always used to please me (orally). Guess my needs are simple compared to his.

me

Would he go to couples counselling or perhaps in addition to couples counselling go to a psycho-sexual therapist with you? You've been together for many years and Yes, you have given it the old college try but now you're exhausted. You have to find a way to explain that to him so that he doesn't act like a little boy denied a before meal cookie. (Ha! my two year old grandson just this evening tried that tantrum for a cookie stuff on me and I just gave him something else to help him forget his desire for chocolate chip lol)

[goddess]

Holy selfishness ! At his age you'd think he would have finally learnt that there is more to marriage and women than sex, but I guess not. You sound like you can make a man happy easily; the same cannot be said about him. Let him have his divorce, and wish him good luck finding someone else willing to do even a quarter of the sexual stuff you've done all these years! If he thinks he's unhappy in the sexual arena now, he's in for a very rude awakening.

Seriously, why are you putting up with this moron? I know you said you love him, but he doesn't sound all that lovable to me?

 

How right you are! I feel the same way. In his defense, however, he is in his early 50's. But, I can tell you that I have not been as adventurous during these years as he would have liked. Still, I feel that he is not 21 anymore and that it's time to grow up and appreciate what he does have. I really wouldn't want a divorce over something like this (and I am not trying to make what he likes trivial) but we are so compatible in so many areas that it's a shame that he let's something like this get the better of him I wish he would focus on all the positives in his life (and I assure you that there are many) rather than act like a petulant child who gets into a tizzy when he doesn't get his way. Thank you for your response.

[goddess]

Would he go to couples counselling or perhaps in addition to couples counselling go to a psycho-sexual therapist with you? You've been together for many years and Yes, you have given it the old college try but now you're exhausted. You have to find a way to explain that to him so that he doesn't act like a little boy denied a before meal cookie. (Ha! my two year old grandson just this evening tried that tantrum for a cookie stuff on me and I just gave him something else to help him forget his desire for chocolate chip lol)

 

He were experiencing the same problem about four years ago. We did go to counselling and it did help. Unfortunately, the same issues have surfaced again. I suppose that when I muster the strength to talk to him about his distancing himself yet again, I will suggest counselling. I suppose a psycho-sexual therapist would be a great way to g as well, as long as the therapist is male. He is terribly chauvinistic. Many years ago, we went to a female therapist and he got annoyed with her because he said that she was taking my side. Can you believe that? Thank you for your input.