luckypaxton

Day 2.5 of NC, since you dumped me around noon on Sunday. I sense so much fear in you...fear because of the men who treated you badly in the past. But I'm not them. Why won't you listen to me when we talked? Why did you have to accuse me of everything short of cheating on you and stealing from you because you were upset when I asked what you meant by something? You say you value communication and that clarity and being clear is important....yet you blow up when I try to get clarity or communicate an issue I'm having? Why do you ask me what I want to do when you want to spend time with me and then jump to a conclusion that I expect anything other than that? Why did you have to be so hot and cold? What are you so afraid of? And why did you take it out on me? I didn't want to break up with you, I only wanted to understand where you were in the relationship so I could act appropriately. I wanted consistency, I wanted the accusations and attacks and mixed signals to stop. YOU said "It isn't working, is it?", and I didn't agree with that. I pointed out the obvious, that there are some big communication issues. YOU said you wanted a break. No, I didn't argue. I stated I'd respect it, and I asked what that looked like to you....such as did you want to talk at all, see each other at all, and if you had some timing in mind. If you didn't know or were not sure.....you should have told me that. Tell me "For now, I'm not sure. I need to think on it and get back to you. For now, I need/want to have the control over that." And the answer would have been "Ok, I respect that." Instead you told me "If you need 100 rules on everything then call it a break up.". And you hang up on me. Yes, I sent you a text saying if/when you did want to talk, I'd be willing and that I would leave you alone until then. And you blew up at me, twisting my words from email and throwing them at me cruelly. I don't know what is going on right now. I am hurt and confused and angry. But I'm not stupid enough to contact you. Despite the story of the guy you had a fight with when staying at his place one weekend and you left before breakfast and he didn't contact you for a week because he thought that's what you wanted. Because you aren't clear on what you want or need or expect or what things mean. So you broke up with him. No, he didn't contact you that week...but YOU walked out of HIS apartment over what you even said was petty BS. Part of me realizes I'm much better off without you. Without THIS you anyway. But part of me sees and hears the other you in my head....the one from a month ago when you DID communicate and talk and open up and I understood you. I don't know where that you went. But I miss her.