mhowe Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 It isn't passive aggressive to say "you know what Betty...I'm gonna take a pass on this". YOU handed her the ball. Leave it and simply focus on your.life. You are the puppy she plays with when her DOG is out of town. Link to comment
saluk Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 I think you left things the right way Krankor. She knows what you want and where you stand. You know where she stands. Neither of you is standing in the same place. You can safely keep the appropriate distance from now on, and that will send all the message that needs to be sent. If things change on her end, you can bet she'll let you know. And when they don't, you are already facing the right direction - towards something else, whatever that may be. Link to comment
Krankor Posted February 7, 2016 Author Share Posted February 7, 2016 I think you left things the right way Krankor. She knows what you want and where you stand. You know where she stands. Neither of you is standing in the same place. You can safely keep the appropriate distance from now on, and that will send all the message that needs to be sent. If things change on her end, you can bet she'll let you know. And when they don't, you are already facing the right direction - towards something else, whatever that may be. You're probably right. And, honestly, I'm starting to see that we are both being a little shady, even though nothing physical has happened between us recently. If I were her boyfriend, I'd be pretty upset that she's talking to and doing things with a younger guy who she had a sexual relationship with in the past who's now expressing an interest in getting her back. If she really wants to break up with him, that's what she should do first, not possibly line something up with me while she's still officially with him. I wonder if that's a glimpse at how she operates, even though she says it's not, and something I'd have to be worried about if we did get together. In the past, she was after me while I was still with my ex, telling me how she could tell I was unhappy and that she would be so much better for me. And even though I'd told my ex it was over before I texted this woman and then went to her house and slept with her, it was after a huge fight and it was still cheating, so my little affair with her that I've been romanticizing in my head didn't start out in the most honorable way, either. Maybe that's part of what's different now; it was more exciting with me when I was unavailable but unhappy and possibly able to be stolen. Now, I'm just a single guy trying to get her, so, while there's probably still some chemistry, it's just not the same vibe for her. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 I just love it when someone says "that's not the way I operate" when they're doing exactly what they say they don't do. She's shown a history. If you ever do "get" her, you can look forward to her hanging out with her ex (who's now her current) while she's allegedly in a relationship with you. And moaning to him about how she's not happy with you and is just trying so hard to decide if and when to break up with you. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 I know that you want to feel like this situation is different but it's playing out very similarly to other situations where the girl has a bf. She's not really that interested and has you as a second option when the bf ticks her off. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 You're probably right. And, honestly, I'm starting to see that we are both being a little shady, even though nothing physical has happened between us recently. If I were her boyfriend, I'd be pretty upset that she's talking to and doing things with a younger guy who she had a sexual relationship with in the past who's now expressing an interest in getting her back. If she really wants to break up with him, that's what she should do first, not possibly line something up with me while she's still officially with him. Just an integrity check. She has a bf. Whether you like it or not, she does. You should have backed away the minute you found that out. Nothing good comes from wooing or talking with romantic interest to a girl with a boyfriend. Link to comment
Krankor Posted February 7, 2016 Author Share Posted February 7, 2016 I know that you want to feel like this situation is different but it's playing out very similarly to other situations where the girl has a bf. She's not really that interested and has you as a second option when the bf ticks her off. Yeah, MsDarcy, I'm starting to see that. My mind has been too clouded by a strong infatuation but I'm starting to look at this situation realistically. Disappointing, but what do you do? I'm just going to paint my own living room, pick out my own furniture, and concentrate on other things and look for someone else. Probably someone around my own age and not a co-worker or even another officer like me, who I've always said I don't like dating. It's going to be a little challenging to get over this infatuation because I have to see her regularly and because I have a history with her, but I'll be able to do it. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Can you ask a buddy to help you paint the living room? It's still a good occasion to have fun with a friend. What color are you going to paint it? Link to comment
Krankor Posted February 7, 2016 Author Share Posted February 7, 2016 Just an integrity check. She has a bf. Whether you like it or not, she does. You should have backed away the minute you found that out. Nothing good comes from wooing or talking with romantic interest to a girl with a boyfriend. Well, at first when she told me she had a boyfriend, I told her I respected that and that I'd back off, and I did. She made the next "move" if you can call it that, and made it seem like she was on the verge of breaking it off with him, just trying to find the right time, etc. But you are right, I should have just said "OK, well if and when you do break up with him and want to talk to me, you know where to find me" and left it at that rather than letting her suck me in by saying that she likes me and plans to break up with her boyfriend, just is having trouble standing up to him. Link to comment
Krankor Posted February 7, 2016 Author Share Posted February 7, 2016 Can you ask a buddy to help you paint the living room? It's still a good occasion to have fun with a friend. What color are you going to paint it? I haven't decided yet, but it's neon blue right now, so anything would be an improvement. Probably a neutral color. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 This one's easy. Tell her how you feel. (Pretty sure you already have) and for the meantime out of respect for you and her bf, keep your distance. Tell her she can contact you when she's completely available. Not before. The way things are set up now she get's to straddle the fence and try each one of you on for size. She doesn't need to make a decision. That doesn't feel good. In or out. . nothing in between . . Link to comment
Krankor Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 This one's easy. Tell her how you feel. (Pretty sure you already have) and for the meantime out of respect for you and her bf, keep your distance. Tell her she can contact you when she's completely available. Not before. The way things are set up now she get's to straddle the fence and try each one of you on for size. She doesn't need to make a decision. That doesn't feel good. In or out. . nothing in between . . I think that's kind of where I left it; at least I hope that how she understood it. Honestly, I think she really does want out of her relationship. I'm not the only person she's told that to by any means. She also told me that she told her mom about me and how her mom remembers her talking about me from before and is excited for her. I don't know if it's that she's just dissatisfied with the relationship but still wishes he'd step up the way she wants because she really does like/love him, or if she's over it but just hasn't quite been able to stick to her guns and "stand up to him" as she says, but I really do believe she wants out. However, I also believe that she has no real interest in me. I've seen what this woman is like when she's interested. It's not "I'm too old for you." It's not "You shouldn't date co-workers" and it's not "I want to take this slow and get to know you." When she's interested, she wants what she wants and if she can have it she takes it. If she were a quarter as interested in me as she used to be, she'd have found the courage to ditch her boyfriend somehow and would be well on her way to rekindling things with me. That's just not happening. I did disappoint and hurt her quite a bit 3 years ago, and I think she had to get over it, which of course is understandable. I think she's flattered that I'm now telling her it was a mistake and that I want her back, and I think she likes the attention. She moved into the area rather recently, and she doesn't necessarily fit in with most people at work, so she doesn't have a lot of friends up here and complains that she wishes she had more people to do things with. I think that's pretty much what she's seeing with me now; just someone she can be friends with and do things with and get a little attention from. Link to comment
Krankor Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 So, this morning, I get a text saying "I haven't forgotten about you. I hope you still have my candy bar there that I left (she left a candy bar at my house when she was over saying that she wanted to leave something there for next time she comes over)." She then tells me "I've been busy this weekend working extra hours (which is true) and with my kids' activities so I haven't had a chance to talk to him yet. I know that sounds stupid." I wanted to tell her "OK, well, when you do, get back to me" but instead just got sucked into texting back and forth for a while until I cut it off. Sigh. I guess I'll see how it plays out but I'm not going to be stupid or a fool for her. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 See, you didn't "get sucked into" texting her. You CHOSE to. Because you still have hope she'll dump her boyfriend for you. Just beware...when you "win" the "prize", don't be at all surprised when she starts texting and hanging out with her current guy (who will then be her "ex") because oh, she just hasn't yet gotten around to breaking up with you even though she really, really wants to. You have plenty of fair warning what is in store for you with this woman. You're choosing to proceed anyway. Link to comment
Krankor Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 See, you didn't "get sucked into" texting her. You CHOSE to. Because you still have hope she'll dump her boyfriend for you. Just beware...when you "win" the "prize", don't be at all surprised when she starts texting and hanging out with her current guy (who will then be her "ex") because oh, she just hasn't yet gotten around to breaking up with you even though she really, really wants to. You have plenty of fair warning what is in store for you with this woman. You're choosing to proceed anyway. I know...I know...If this were a buddy of mine I'd be smacking him. But I do have my eyes open. Link to comment
Krankor Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 Let me play devil's advocate for a moment--trust me, I'm still very guarded and still pessimistic about this situation. Her boyfriend basically won't do anything with her. Gave her nothing and didn't even call her on her birthday, basically just talks to her on the phone about every other day and she either goes to his house or he goes to her's every now and again. It actually sounds like a bizarre situation with him. So is it written in stone that she will always do this no matter what? Or is her behavior more situational based in this case, and if the dynamic is different with me maybe her behavior will be different? Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 He is in the drivers seat and she stays with him despite all she domains about. You are the puppy she can play with anytime she feels lime it...hence, no challenge. Link to comment
Krankor Posted February 9, 2016 Author Share Posted February 9, 2016 He is in the drivers seat and she stays with him despite all she domains about. You are the puppy she can play with anytime she feels lime it...hence, no challenge. And then when I start concentrating on other things and don't contact her for a few days, she figures she'd better throw her puppy a little bone just to keep him in the yard. I'm not a kid anymore; I've been around the block and I really know better than this. I have no idea why I'm such a fool for this woman. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Well...the more you stand in the wings, the less respect she has for you. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Well, people inherently seem to want what they can't have. When you "had" her you kind of lost interest. Now that you can't "have" her, you want her. Just check out all the posts on this forum by men who dumped a woman who loved them and gave them the world, then when she shows signs of getting over them they suddenly decide they "love" her and insist they must get her back. Nothing new here. Link to comment
Heavy Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 OK so she has a BF and she is contacting you with maybe the chance of getting back with you..... I would never go there, she is showing you that as a person she can just jump to another person when things are not going well. Also do yuo really want to be with someone that does this?? Link to comment
Shane Falco Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 But I do have my eyes open. Yeah, this is not how I'd describe your mindset right now. If you did you wouldn't put up with this garbage and continue to enable it. The more you play along with this, the less respect she has for you. Link to comment
Krankor Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 She just texted me "I am free. No guilt" I haven't responded yet. I guess we'll see what happens. Can't deny feeling happy but I'm not letting myself get carried away, because tomorrow it could be "OK, he and I talked, and..." Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Then don't respond. Pretend you have a life and don't have your phone in your hand. Link to comment
Shane Falco Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 She just texted me "I am free. No guilt" I haven't responded yet. I guess we'll see what happens. Can't deny feeling happy but I'm not letting myself get carried away, because tomorrow it could be "OK, he and I talked, and..." You shouldn't feel happy. All you're doing if you cave this easily is trading places with the other guy. But yeah, no response. Link to comment
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