Confused

[MrsO]

A few weeks ago while on our honeymoon in Vegas, my husband and I both had a bit to drink and got quite drunk, him more so than me for a change. I sent him up to the hotel room while I ordered us something to take up to the room and eat.

 

Everything was fine, we were both happy, drunk and hungry. When I get up to the room 10-15 minutes later he is tearing it apart, obviously searching for something. I ask what's wrong, what has he lost and he yells at me that he can't find his wedding ring. I try to calm him down and reassure him that it will be ok and that it is in the room somewhere because I clearly remembered seeing it on his finger when he headed up to the room while I was getting food.

 

From this point on it all gets a little fuzzy. I'm not sure exactly how it headed in this direction but the next thing I know we are arguing and yelling at each other. I'm throwing things, including the food, not at him just around the room, and I think he may have thrown things as well.

Now a little background info. Hubby does have a bit of a temper. He gets angry and frustrated quite easily, due in large part (in my opinion) to a childhood of drugs, violence, neglect, foster care, welfare and more drugs, but he has never been violent and in the 2.5 yrs we have been together his control of his temper has improved enormously. I suffer from depression and anxiety for which I am medicated (medication that increases the effects of alcohol) and when I am in high stress situations (eg Vegas, away from familiar surroundings etc) I too get frustrated and can't always express myself effectively.

So somehow, in the midst of all of this that had been blown out of proportion, hubby hits me in the face. I have no memory of why just me wailing like a banshee and 'hiding' under the vanity in the bathroom. I didn't lock the bathroom door so I couldn't have been that 'afraid' of him. He's a mess, crying (which he never does) and apologising but when I'm also crying and won't come out from under the vanity he got angry and frustrated with me again and just left me there. I eventually came out and he was cleaning up the room, muttering to himself which is what he usually does when he's angry about something, so I just went straight to bed. He continued cleaning but while he was cleaning and because I wasn't helping him he was getting angry again and started ranting and raving first about my depression, about how it's ok for me to get cranky coz I've got depression buy HE has to be ok all the time etc etc and then about my mum, bringing up issues that we had sorted out 2yrs ago when things first got serious btwn is and then about how despite him being in the process of quitting smoking she was 'constantly' going out for smokes around him so not being supportive or making it harder for him or something like that. I just pretended to be asleep until I finally fell asleep.

In the middle of the night he tried to put his arm around me, was probably half asleep at the time, and I kinda flinched away from his touch. He says that this was the first indication he can remember of there being something wrong. When he tried to hug me in the morning I had a very similar reaction. He woke up before me and when he saw the state of the room be was confused and concerned as he had no memory of what had happened. When I eventually told him and showed him (I had a fat lip) he was absolutely devastated. He was crying, almost sobbing, and was just beside himself, apologising and trying to make sense of what happened. He honestly couldn't remember anything after leaving me at the food place until he woke up.

I'm not sure what made me look it up, probably knowing how important it was for us to not have the relationship and life that he grew up in, but when I googled interactions btwn alcohol and Champix (the medication he is taking to help quit smoking) there it was; anger and aggression often with amnesia. Now I know it doesn't make it ok or excuse it but once I told him about the interaction between the 2 he has hardly had anything to drink, will not drink spirits, had 1 or 2 beers or cocktails max in a day for the rest of our honeymoon and that was only with me encouraging him to have a drink with me.

 

So, after all that, if you're still hanging in there and still reading, I guess my question is, am I crazy for giving him a 2nd chance? Am I overlooking and allowing an abusive relationship to develop? In the aftermath we have had some amazing conversations about our relationship and things we both need to remember to do to make it work as effectively as it can, namely improving communication. Am I naive in 'blaming' the interaction btwn the alcohol and the medication? I have had those amnesia episodes as a result of the medication and alcohol mixture so I know they are real and they are exactly how he described them. As I said, confused 😕

[melancholy123]

I think you both need to give up the booze. Encouraging him to drink is just a really bad idea, so please dont do that. Now that you both know the interactions of booze and Champix, it's really time to lay off the alcohol, and if you decide to stay with him and give him another chance you both need to be in straight minds not clouded by booze of any sort. If this happens again, and he's not drunk, then I'd leave.

[surfdiva]

Holy cow! Obviously you both have an issue with alcohol, but I'm surprised no one called hotel security with all that noise going on! Personally, if it were me I wouldn't be living with someone that hit me in the face and didn't remember it. You both need help, separately IMO.

[Shali]

He seemed to shy away from alcohol after this incident (as you said you had to encourage him) this is a defining moment for YOU and HIM in your relationship. I would have to agree with melancholy Time to give up the booze.. Sometimes its sad but is your relationship worth it?!

That is what you need to be asking, and if he doesn't feel like he can control his temper with booze, hes a good man to stop drinking, so let him just stop. It will prevent the nurturing of an abusive relationship, however if he keeps drinking, and you do too this will more than likely happen over and over again. Until you sort out other issues first.

 

So honestly your going to have only a few choices,

1. Give up booze, and see what you can do to repair the damage done. (also this means letting this go and moving on barring it doesnt happen again)

2. Keep drinking and this will 99% repeat itself over and over

3. Leave

 

Now obviously if you wanted to just leave you wouldn't be on here.

And 99% of the time I would advise a girl to leave a man who has struck her.

However it seems like there were circumstances that played into this that are above the norm.

 

But Now you have to ask.

 

- Is he worth giving up alcohol (this should be a yes, if not skip to choice 3 because he doesn't mean enough for the job that lies ahead of you to get through it)

- Can we work through this and overcome it? (forgive and forget this is both of you not just you or just him)

- Can I be a positive influence for the man I love and work on my temper as well?

 

I know I have a VERY bad temper, over the course of the last 7 years I have become a bettwer "fighter" with my husband to try NOT to hurt him emotionally, provoke him, or just outright loose my .

He has been my level head and it seems you need to be your sweethearts!

 

It sounds like both of you need a little anger management (even if not from a doctor, this would be preferred, if not read up online about ways to help get it under control) THIS WILL BE HARD!

Every couple will fight, such is the nature of life, learning to fight without TRYING to hurt the one you love is sometimes so hard and so frustrating but is is so imperative to help out a relationship like this.

 

Now you wonder why everyone will say drop the liquor, here is why-

- You need to be able to control your tempers (yes both of you mostly him but you too!) this is 1000% harder with alcohol involved.

- Medication and liquor, yes we all mix them despite the warnings, welp sadly it seems he is susceptible to struggle, & with the combo giving this up isn't for you its for him to make this easier! If you give it up too it will help him get through this.

- Healing emotionally! Your minds need healing, how does alcohol impair this? Well its proven that judgment goes down hill once you have imbibed, This is a clear cut case of that! You might be able to bring it back in a few years, but I would totally get rid of it ALL for at a bare minimum of 6 months to work on your relationship it needs to be the focus and a big part of this is going to be LEARNING TO FIGHT - This doesn't mean screaming, yelling, throwing things, hitting, this means learning to work with each other when frustrated, you not to provoke him and him to control his behavior. This with a substance in his system may be impossible if you don't give it up he may never he able to get over this despite wanting to try.

 

When I say healing of the mind let me break this down a little, mentally you two have to be able to handle your Temper, emotions, and liquor all at once. If you loose your temper, emotions start to fly, and it seems you have some trouble at this point, if you add alcohol to this it wont make it easier but harder to overcome this.

 

Take baby steps first before you consider bring in liquor even a little once you have over a long period of time proving true to yourselves that you can fight with controlling it decide at THAT POINT whether to bring liquor back in if ever into your life.

 

Good luck guys I hope and wish you two the best of luck!

[ThatwasThen]

I think you both would do well to get the help you need: You for your anxiety and what appears may be a budding alcohol dependency and him to help him come to terms with his dysfunctional and abusive childhood. If you don't do that, then I see the two of you repeating this type of scenario and unfortunately so will any children the two of you may have.

 

Definitely don't encourage him to be drinking when you clearly state that champix and booze don't go well together. I mention a budding alcohol problem due to that encouragement. Most people would DIScourage drinking after reading what you read about mixing the two.

 

I say give one another one more chance while you both work on what ails you.

 

Did he ever find his ring?

[MrsO]

Thank you guys, especially Shali and ThatwasThen. The alcohol is gone, we didn't even buy any duty on our way home from our honeymoon. My psych meds work better without any alcohol and at least til the Champix is finished hubby will be 'dry' as well. I was only 'encouraging' the drinking because 1. Honeymoon 2. Vegas and 3. I didn't want him to avoid it completely and be scared. It was kind of my way of letting him know that I understood that he wasn't 'him' when he hit me and that I trusted him.

Shali your post was exactly what I needed to read, it confirmed a lot of what I have been thinking and feeling this past couple of weeks and is exactly what we are going to be working on. Communication for us is number 1 as I am not great at expressing myself and I have this stupid fear that I will say or do the wrong thing and I will scare him away and he will leave me. Stupid because I know I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him and by bottling things up it just explodes and gets blown out of proportion. As he's never had a 'safe person' that he can talk to about things and his feelings so we're both still learning.

He's also just identified his family, namely his father, as a major trigger for his anger. He has pretty much cut his siblings and mother from his life but he loves his dad too much to do the same. And also doesn't want to completely walk away from his entire family but I think he's beginning to realise it's inevitable. Sad but inevitable.

I'll continue to encourage the counselling thing but he is so resistant to it that I don't like my chances. He has been reading up on anger and temper management and strategies and trying them out so that's a good start I think.

[HeartGoesOn]

It was kind of my way of letting him know that I understood that he wasn't 'him' when he hit me and that I trusted him.

 

Be careful, as this is one of the classic signs of a woman who is in denial, and makes excuses for staying with a man who physically abuses them. If he hit you once, he'll hit you again...guaranteed.

[lukeb]

Be careful, as this is one of the classic signs of a woman who is in denial, and makes excuses for staying with a man who physically abuses them. If he hit you once, he'll hit you again...guaranteed.

 

The OP is also in denial about being violent herself, if you are throwing things then you are violent, certainly not capable of controlling yourself.