How to get an ex back

[fantasia2004]

I like your posts and you are handling this saga way better than I did I wish I could do it over again and thanks for the reply.

 

In your post, why do you want to see the ex at dinner ? what do you hope to accomplish?

 

Are you more willing to see if it is worth it to take her back or because you feel that this relationship is going somewhere with the new girl and do you want to pursue it further despite your dating rule? Which comes first? Way out your options and pros and cons.

 

Yes you love your ex and you see the effects of the breakup and your own personal improvements you have made has on her psyche and emotionally. But after what you went through during the time together, with the ex think about it first and see. Or are you afraid to lose your ex too?

[lawandorder]

Good questions.. I guess I see alot of good things in the new girl. She is a beautiful girl that has a great head on her shoulders. She is sweet and kind and I have known her for over 12 years. She is independent and has her act together. We hit it off very well and I really enjoy the new girl alot.

 

I guess I put off my ex for dinner as part of the hot and cold idea. I guess Thursday will tell the tell. Every time I see my ex its like she is not my ex. I dont have any emotions. I really dont care who she is dating or sleeping with. Nothing with her seems to bother me. 7 weeks ago I was a wreck. But after I got logic on my side and started my plan and started taking care of myself, well... my whole world changed. I feel great on the mental level and pyhsical level. My career has taken off great and over all I am 100% better off.

 

I think that I am going to test the waters Thrusday. If I have no feelings then I have to tell her. If I know 100% beyond a doubt that I am done then I have to tell her. I will not just string her along. I didnt start this to get revenge and I refuse to let it seem like it. If I still have feelings then I will continue my plan and win her back and treat her like a queen.

 

I just know that either my ex or my new girl will end up getting hurt and thats the last thing I want. The new girl wont be hurt as bad since we only have a month or so together. But I know I cant string her along either.

 

I guess I can go either way and be happy but now it is a toss of a coin. I am a little up in the air on which way to flip.

[chai714]

Your goal used to be that you wanted your ex back. What is it now? Has it changed?

[lawandorder]

No, I would love to have her back. we changed plans and are going to eat this evening and then I have to hurry back and get ready to go with my new girl for a big nite on the town.

 

My ex called me this morning and got word I was dating a girl that worked at the local club and is a weight trainer there. She was pretty upset about me dating still but it is ok for her. LOL what gives.

 

The answer to your question. I love my ex. I love her more than I have ever loved anyone. but for things to go to this extreme is not a fun game. I do want her back and I want it alot. But I will not swallow my pride and bow down at all. I hold the winning hand and I will wait to play it. I feel we will be back as one in the future but I just hope it does not take many more months. LOL ya never know. but to take someone back or turn on the hot side as soon as the chance comes up then you are on their terms. So I will keep an update tonight on the outcome.

[chai714]

Law,

Good call on waiting. You can never be 100% certain you hold that winning card though. Also, I wouldn't appear overconfident or it could backfire in the end. Another thing - good on letting her work for it some more. She will appreciate you more if she has to work for your affection, but up to a point. Everyone has their threshold. Also, like I stated previously - humans tend to undervalue things that are freely given to them versus when they have to work for something in order to get it.

[freeindeed]

I'm not trying to attack you....but don't you think this is causing greater damage in your relationship that will make everything harder to heal in the end? Let's say you get back with the ex, she knows you've dated another girl, does she know you slept with her? Has she slept with someone else? As you can tell with your ex, feelings are hard to just "throw away", what if you end up becoming attached to this new girl and then get back with the ex. If you really want to get back with your ex, and truly love her, as you say you do. Why not get healthy, have fun, but not involve another person? I just see damage all over the place with this one.... I don't see how you don't.

[chai714]

I don't see really much damage here. The damage was done before they broke up, or you could even say the breakup itself was damaging. If he's single and dating someone else, how is that damaging?

[freeindeed]

In the beginning, according to his story, the ex was depressed and upset because Lawnorder was a little too focused on his career and didn't really think about her needs (this he admitted). He refused her attention and sex. Yeah, she did something stupid, she found a male friend to confide in. When he found out, he gave her hell, and she did everything to make it better. If they would have continued down the road of working on that, or even just take some time off for themselves, I'm sure by now they would have been back together and working on a little bump in the road.

 

Now he's involved another girl, slept with her, has clearly made an emotional attachment, or else why not drop her?, and is now playing "hot and cold" mind games with his ex to make her change???? Now, he's made a WHOLE lot to overcome, rather than, the incident where she simply sought the attention of another person (for which she attempted to make better).

 

I think, lawnorder, you might as well just throw away the relationship with the ex completely. Because once you get back together now, there will be so much more hurt, resentment, bitterness. Trust me, I know.

[lawandorder]

First of all, I slept with someone before her and I will after her. Thats life. If you are separated then you are separated. Period. I will not ask questions about the time we split and I will not give info to her as well. I will be candid about that issue. She wont know and I wont know. That has to be a must.

 

Everyone has 2 cents on how to deal with issues. But from what I see alot things never work. People stay depressed for a long time and never get really what they want. They lost their focus before they got started. Insanity is where it goes. We all try the same thing over and over and the same out come is present. That is pure insanity.

 

I went to a late lunch with my ex. We talked on a serous note for the first time in months. She told me she loved me. She also let me know she was in love with me. She let down her guard. I didnt destroy her. I told her I need some time to see what I want. My plan is different from your ideas. Time heals alot. I didnt pounce on her pride. I told her she was a beautiful girl. I told her I was sorry for giving her the world and her not having to work and still get everything she desired. I was a smart a%% on that side. She told me I gave her more and was better to her than she could ever expect and she will never have that again. She also let me know she wants to have a baby with me. I told her that would be years off if it was even possible.

 

I turned the cards in a matter of 6 weeks or so on our future. If she decides not to really want back then so be it. But she can see that other women want what she had. Even one of her close friends told her that she was going to ask me out.

 

This thread was for the purpose of getting a plan together and following through. it gets one out of pain, betters their life and gives them alot better chance of getting their ex back. What could be a negative to this.

[chai714]

I can see your point freeindeed. What I also know is that breaking up becomes about survival. IMO, LawandOrder did what he did to survive and fulfill his own emotions. Nothing wrong with this. Perhaps the ONLY reason I support what he's doing right now, is because he's doing it out of love. He's not trying to manipulate his ex for the purpose of hurting her, getting revenge, or for his entertainment. He's helping her work for his affection, and in the same token he knows there is no guarantee when it comes to love. Admittedly, he has wronged her in the past by not putting in his part of the relationship. It becomes easier, through reading his posts though, that he has learned from this and *hopefully* can implement what he has learned if he does get back with his ex.

 

I can see how you feel that he is damaging future relations with his ex, but what he does while he's single is what he's doing to survive and live a happy life for himself. He didn't know his ex was going to come around, so he did what any reasonable person would - he dated. thereforeeee, the supposed "damage" that he is causing/has caused was unforeseeable, which is why I think what he's doing/did is fine - because he did it to fulfill his own emotions. Remember, you can't live your life based on what might happen, but what is currently happening.

[cutiepie]

Hi, I'm new to this site and am so happy that it even exists because I'm not sure how to handle my break up with my b/f. I must say that I am learning a few things from reading the various posts. Anyway, I was with my b/f for a little over 7 mos. when he told me that he wanted to go back to being "just friends" because he feels that we moved too quickly into a relationship. He told me that he cares for me deeply and isn't looking at this as the end but as a beginning. Now, the reason is because he feels that we have gotten into too many disagreements in a short period of time. The issues themselves were not huge but our inabilty to work them out in a constructive manner is was lead to the hurt feelings. For example, a couple months into the relationship my b/f started to ogle(pointing out specific body parts of other women that he found attractive, staring, etc.) women in my presense which I felt was disrespectful. I told him how it made me feel and figured that he would stop, but to my amazement he continued to do so time and time again. He told me that it's not a big deal and it in no way reflects how he feels about me. I just don't see it that way. I am not one of his male friends and would like to think that I am his main focus when we're together. It left me feeling as though I am not satisfying enough for him. I am an attractive woman with a good figure so it wouldn't bother me if he would have said that other women are attractive. Anyway, we had some arguments over things like that. He said that it takes me far too long to recover from my hurt feelings and that is what ends up hurting his feelings. I don't take days to recover but it may take me a few hours depending on the severity of my hurt feelings. He told me that he sees the "writing on the wall" that we will end the same as his other relationships. He wants to continue to do the things we did when we were together minus any physical stuff(you know what I mean) until he can trust that my feelings for him are real. He says that he has no expectations for us to get back together or not. I don't know exactly what to make of this. Overall, we got along very well and were becoming very close to each other. I wonder if his fear of getting close is what the real problem is because he has been hurt in past relationships a few times. I would really like to get back with him and would like to think that he wants that too, however, I just don't know if I'm kidding myself. It has only been 12 days since he ended our relationship and he continues to call and email everyday. He even took me out last night for my birthday. And it was like we were "just friends", no kiss, no hug, etc. I pretended to be happy and didn't make any attempt to talk about our relationship either. As much as I would have loved a hug, kiss, and you know, I made no attempt to get them. He emailed first thing this morning to say that he had a good time and to complain about other things which are unrelated to me but I haven't emailed him back even though I really want to. What do any of you think about this? BTW, I really don't think this has anything to do with another woman either. If he really doesn't want me anymore, then why is he staying in contact with me?

[lawandorder]

update:

 

My ex found out that I came through town with another girl on my way back from Dallas this morning. She was very upset. She called and wanted to meet in person. She rattled on. I explained that if she didnt want me with other women then she would have kept our marriage together. I told her that I dont care who she dates and dont want to know. I told the truth that I was with someone and that is life. We are septerated. She wanted to stay the night tonight. I have plans. Sorry. Then she asked for Monday night and then to spend the day together on Tuesday. I told her I would think about it. She is now gettting real jealous over everything and is showing that she really does care in the fact of not wanting me to date. She wants to start out slow and then see what happens. Well great. But spending the night and all that is not slow and I dont need that right now.

 

My question now is how long do I let her earn the right to come home?? Do I let this go for a month or so or do I allow her to spend the night and not tell the new girl. The new girl would kill me. I have a good hand of cards here and not sure what card to play next.

[lawandorder]

cutiepie, Look at the first part of this thread. Black snake. it works with men or women. If you will use it, and use it for a good purpose then you will have good results. If you have followed this thread you can see it works in real life.

[cutiepie]

lawandorder,

 

I have read about black snake and I see that I have made some mistakes. In the first few days after he said it was over I emailed and called him, pleading with him to get back together with me but he only got angry. When I reread the emails I'd sent to him I was so ashamed because I appeared to be absolutely pathetic. After reading black snake I also realized that I shouldn't have gone out with him last night either. I didn't reply to his email from early this morning and he called me in the afternoon and said that it was nice to see me and to ask if I had received his email. I told him that I had, but was too busy to respond. Surprisingly, I could tell by the sound of his voice that he was a little taken aback by the fact that I didn't reply.

 

I wish that I could just understand why he opted to end our relationship. I just don't know what I did to warrant the I want to be "just friends" line.

I really want him back so I'm going to use black snake as a guide no matter how much it hurts to have no contact with him.

[brando]

law&order i must congratulate you. You accomplished what you originally set out to do.

[fantasia2004]

So are there winners and losers in this black snake strategy?

 

Is it true from another poster on another forum:

"The one who cares less wins?"

[freeindeed]

Sound like that is true.....the one who cares less wins.

[freeindeed]

But what if both people don't care (or atleast put on that facade)? Then what happens?

 

LawNorder, so I see that all of this has worked for you, but do you really think that it will work for a girl? Usually men aren't jealous and possessive like a woman. I'm afraid that if I did something like that, the ex would call me a prostitute (they didn't let me type the word I wanted to use) and never want to speak to me again...then I definitely wouldn't be "winning". What do you think?

[cutiepie]

I am so depressed today! Last night was the first night that my ex didn't call me since he dumped me. I wasn't going to answer the phone but at least I would have known that he was thinking of me.

 

I feel as though I was going through the relationship with blinders on. I think about it over and over but I still can't think of anything that was bad enough to warrant a break up. I treated him very well and thought I was a very good girlfriend to him. Apparently, not good enough for him to stay with me. Where did I go wrong?

[brando]

cutiepie it isnt you. Remember it is them. Dont take things personally, i know it is hard but in all reality it is what they wnt to do in life and it doesnt necesarily mean it has to do with you. Try not to fall into the pitty pot. It will lead you no where. IF it helps, everytime you think of the person, imagine the word SICK written accross their forehead, or some other word you think will fit. You can torture yourself thinking why he broke up with you, or why it didnt work... these questions are useless.

 

I read somewhere the more we ask why the longer we allow ourselves to be victims. Hope this helps.

[cutiepie]

Thanks, Brando. I'm feeling a little better today because I started thinking about the fact that I was a very good g/f to him. I was myself throughout the relationship and I treated him very well. Although I still want him back, I am trying to look at this as his loss, not mine.

 

He called me last night but I refused to answer the phone(thank God for call display) even though I wanted to very badly. He chose to end our relationship so now he'll have to deal with the consequences of his choice. I will not give him the opportunity to console himself by talking with me.

 

I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, I just know that today is fairly good.

[brando]

Good for you for not answering the phone. Enjoy your day, when you find yourself thinking of him try to think of something else, i know it is easy to get stuck in those thoughts, just think of placing your thoughts where your body is.. Stay in the present moment. Hope this helps.

[cutiepie]

Brando, thanks for your advice and support as it is helping. My ex just called here and I answered the phone because he called from a number I didn't recognize. I told him right away that I had to go because I was on my way out. I could tell by the sound of his voice that it's starting to get to him.

 

It's hard, but I'm going to continue with the NC.

[lawandorder]

Big update:

 

Friday night my ex came over. We spent the night together. She got up early and went to work and I went with the church at 6:00 am to help with yard work for some of the widowed women of our church.

 

the night was great with my ex. We got along perfect but I stuck to my guns. Then Saturday night she came by and I had a date. I went my a restraunt and sat while she ate after I got ready to go out. It was cool. I left on my own terms and stayed out all night again.

 

The kicker: I got a call around 2:00 when she got off work. She wanted to come over. I had a buddy over watching the Nascar Race and I said its fine. I just got in bu tshe didnt know this. She watched the race with us then we went to wal mart and she got a few things. I didnt offer to pay for it. then we went to eat and which I always pay for a lady and dinner. Then came home. She asked me to get back together. Flat out she told me her mistakes, the lessons she learned and how much she did love me. I thought for a long time. i then agreed. We are dropping the divorce. we are going to work on our marriage and both give it a full effort. I had to tell the new girl the truth and she respected me alot for telling the truth upfront and wants to be friends from now on. she told me she was behind me and wants me to be happy and really does understand.

 

I didnt hurt her or not very much. I am now back with my wife.

 

I have around 25 emails a day from people on here sending messages for help. I wont bail out on you guys. I will stay here from now on and help all I can. I used my plan for good. From getting my own mind and body right to winning back my ex for the right reasons. It worked. Black shake is a positve thing if used for the right reasons. Which I did. Now I will be careful and do whats right. i will honnor my promise to my ex and I will be a good person to her and learn from my mistakes and continue with my changes for the better.

 

Like I said, I will stay on this forum and I feel it is one of the most positive things on the net to help with things that cause us so much pain.

[askdan]

Congratulations lawandorder!!!!!

 

You are sure giving us a lot of hope to a lot of us men who tried everything to get our exes back.

 

So, bottom line, if there's a lesson to be learned from all of this, is once you chase back your ex-girlfriend and you suddenly stop, she will turn around and chase you??? Let me know if I got it right...