How to get an ex back

[Marko]

If I may say, there are a couple movies/books that have helped me get thru this as well (like im thru it!)

 

My thing is that I am really lonely without her, so if I can find a good book or movie w/ characters I can relate to, I don't feel so alone, even if its for that brief period of time where Im watching.

 

Read "I know this much is true", by Wally Lamb. Fantastic book with great characters. Tragedy and triumph. At 900 pages, you'll be hooked w/in the first 5, and you will cry tears of joy by the end.

 

If you're a guy going thru a break up, watch "Swingers".

 

Fantastic movie about a guy w/ a broken heart.

 

I would also recommend High fidelity and Singles.

 

probably all common flicks, but if you haven't seen them, gice them a look.

 

and especially that book.

[lawandorder]

update!!!

 

I got a little bit loaded last night. Everclear which is 180 proof and crown and coke and beer got the best of me and did it in a hard way. Great night but the morning after was a little rough. Now I have spent the last 3 nights at a girls house. I enjoy her alot. My ex called me today. She saw me going home this moring again. She was talking about us. Why we broke up and how I showed little feelings and emotions while we were married. But I wxplained that it was just me. I gave her my whole heart but I just may not show things like others do. She understood for the first time. She even let some tears go. She is really bothered now about the divorce. I acted like I was care free but I was very polite. I enforced the fact of her wanting the divorce and how I dont blame her and I would have done the same thing if it were me. Now I think this hit her hard. She never dreamed I would fall on the sword and do this and take all the blame. She seemed like she was not the happiest about all this.

 

My plan of action with her is almost on a perfect track to where I wanted it. The problem is getting worse that I feel I am falling for someone else. So no matter what happens I have put myself in line to decide what I really want in the very near future. Time will tell but I think it really is working well.

 

Marko, I am sorry there is not many people there. that is sad. Keep faith that you will find or see someone you can go out with in the near future. It will happen. Dont give up and stay on your plan. You seem to have a level head now and it seems like your getting better

[lawandorder]

new update...

 

I just got in from Dallas with the new girl I have been dating. Had a great weekend. I have to say that I never even thought of my ex the whole time I was with my new girl. It really cleared my head and now I am even more focused on what to do. I have now lost 46 pounds and have lost 4 inches in my waist and gained alot in my arms and chest. I am donw below 5% body fat. I went ahead and traded my 01 vette in on a 05 vette. this up set the ex as well.

 

Her dad called me and talked for a bit. He really wants me and his daughther back together and that did feel good. He let me know it was really getting the best of her and she is in limbo on how to deal now. She thought I was here for good and I would do anything for her and she could just walk all over me and I would hang in there. Now she knows the truth about me and my life.

 

My problem is that I lost the consept of what my plan was suppose to be used for. I wanted to show and give the progress of this plan. My plan is taking a new road in the fact I could take my ex back very soon but now I have found I am falling for a new girl. I know it is or would be hard to walk out on this new one. I never meant to have feelings or to go this far. But now I am in a whirl wind on what is the right thing to do. But I am going to finish my plan and then decide at the end of the road.

 

 

[lawandorder]

Figured out a few more things today. I have been using this plan for a few weeks now. My ex will be real nice on some days then mad at the world the next. Now she knew I was going out of town Friday and I have yet to hear from her at all. Not a big deal since I am with a new person but I know that she knows that I am with someone else. We were married for almost 3 years and on our own 100% and I got a call from her dad. he was acting like everything was great. Like we were still together. I did inform him that I was with someone new and it was a beautiful thing. He understood but told me my ex his daughter was not doing as well. He told me she never thought I would move on with out her. She thought I was all into her and could never be with someone else. Now she has moved into that angry side and I give it a few more days. I have put her in her place and been candid. I have stuck to my guns and stopped flip flopping back and forth and made sure she knows where I stand now. Now when she calls she mentions coming home and she mentions our past great times and even cries at times. I know the plan is working well and I have got her to realize what she has lost on a more intense level day to day.

 

No matter what we choose to do we have to stay on a even level and not flip flop. You u choose to do as I have done you cannot go back to being that push over guy tomorrow and do what you did for months that didnt work. Just my 2 cents.

[freeindeed]

Please don't take this harshly...but I'm concerned that you're "game plan" is now just twisted. You have everything you want now, right? You have all of your "stuff", a new girlfriend, you've lost weight, you're all-around happier with yourself, and you got what you wanted in the first place: you're ex just miserable without you. She's cried to you, she has apologized....I guess I just don't understand what more you want from her at this point?

 

And I know in the beginning she was the one who always tried to make you jealous by talking about other men, but do you really think she actually slept with someone else? Don't you think she was just being the immature brat that she's shown you she is? But now you have someone else, I'm sure that puts a knife in her heart.

 

I don't know, maybe she is a brat and a floozy...but i guess I'm just not understanding what you want now....What exactly would you like from the ex? What is your ultimate goal for this plan you've constructed and seemingly conquered?

[Marko]

I have a question for the veterans of this board....

 

how many people have you seen come here and actually get back together with their ex's ?

[lawandorder]

Well, ya see. I worked so hard for 6 weeks to win her back. The problem is that most girls always want to change the man. Changing the man from what they fell in love with. My whole goal is to win her back but on my terms. the unspoken terms. I want her to be happy and myself to be happy. I do love my ex with all my heart. I just know at this time if we got back together we would never make it. Yes I know it sounds twisted but I just can not forget what my goal is. To win my ex back and have a happy marriage. But unless people know what they have really lost and had time to think it over then it wont happen. I just got myself caught up with falling for a new person at the same time. That is twisted. I agree. But I have not lost the focus of what my ultimate goal is. It just is not cut and dry. That is not what I expected at any point and time. But the plan does work and can work in most cases. the main thing is to be happy again and not feel pain any longer.

 

Hope this makes a little sense.

[freeindeed]

I do understand a little bit better. I guess it might just be because I'm looking at it from what might be her point of view of the situation, but since I've never heard her side of the story, I might be totally inaccurate.

 

I'm a little scared that what you're doing to your ex, might be what my ex is doing to me???? So it's tough.

[chai714]

I like what LawandOrder is doing here. Working for six weeks to get someone back isn't that long of a period of time though.

 

From a psychological perspective, he has took control of the situation. It seems like his ex used to be able to control his emotions. She lost control of the situation, which caused her to be fearful. Her fear stems from low self-esteem, which now leads her to be depressed/angry/etc.

 

I haven't followed your story, but I do like your tactics here. You've kept your goal in mind, and have not given in yet. What I like here is that you're taking your time and not jumping back into a relationship with your ex. You're having fun with the situation and dating a new girl. At the end though, you just might not even want your ex back.

[fantasia2004]

Is that healthy at all?

 

playing that game on someone else's insecurity?

[lawandorder]

I hate playing games. but sometimes you have to get in the game and play to win. My whole objective is to prove a point that it can be done if that is what you want to happen. Now Im not going to hurt anyone along the way if I can help it. the statement that I may find that I am happier with my new girl vs my ex. I think it is almost there. I love my ex alot and but this is killing me along the way of winning her back. I would love to be with her and be like it was but better. But after alot of thought on this.... I dont think things would be normal. After a break up and dating others on both sides would carry alot of baggage back into the relationship. would it be worth it?? I know I can get her back but would I ever really be happy??

 

I can name 10 good things about the new girl for each of the ones for my ex. Now the I can name 20 negative things about my ex for each one of the new girl.

 

My plan on this is not twisted in my eyes. I started all this by saying I could use a plan and get what I want. But then each person doing this has to decide if they really want to be back with the ex at the end. Alot of us might just find they are happier with out the ex and that life is better after moving on. It hurts but it is the truth.

 

Ill keep yall posted on my events and see how this all plays out.

[chai714]

Is that healthy at all?

 

playing that game on someone else's insecurity?

 

If you use "loving manipulation" I see nothing wrong, as long as your goal is to love them in the end. If you're playing on their insecurities out of spite or revenge, that's when it becomes unhealthy for both people.

[lawandorder]

chai

 

I agree with you all the way. When you figure out where you stand and look at yourself at that moment and see that whay you are doing is not working then you have to change. You cannot change the other person. But you are in full control of yourself. The only thing you change with this plan is yourself. Now you can not just walk all over your ex even if they did it to you. If you do this then you will get it back on you 10 fold.

 

the whole purpose of this thread is to open eyes. Everyone seems so down and in the dumps. Everyone wants to get their ex back. But the biggest advice on here is NC and move on.

 

My thoughts on this may seem off base and strange but I get 5 plus private messages a day and 3 people in the past 2 weeks have gotten back with their ex. But this plan not only works to win someone back but it gets you out of pain and gets your feet back up under you and makes you a better person. You may find you dont want your ex back in the end. But at least it is your choice. But just being down and out does not make for good bait to get anyone to notice. LOL trust me.

[chai714]

Law,

I understand what you're saying and would agree with lots of what you said.

 

But this plan not only works to win someone back but it gets you out of pain and gets your feet back up under you and makes you a better person.

 

In the scheme of things, there is no master plan that lays out a particular strategy. Getting your ex back is a series of moves you make, and they depend highly on her reaction to your moves. It also involves turn it on hot and cold, at the right times. When she begins to come your way, turn it off and allow her to come. Then, as she walks away, turn it on again. It's very much like a dance. Obviously, you can't change a person's mind per se. BUT, you can influence their decisions. You become a character in a sense, and play the role. You play the role of whatever strategy or tactic you are using at the time. You learn what works and what does not, and how she reacts to your moves, then adjust your strategy as necessary. You must have the ability to constantly be analyzing your situation from a 3rd person perspective, paying VERY close attention to how she feels. Many people don't get this part. They get selfish and think "I feel like she's using me, I feel blah blah blah." It does not matter how you feel, it matters how she feels (or better yet, how you make her feel).

[lawandorder]

I agree with you 100%. Most of the time we use our feelings and not our logical side. but great thought on looking at things as a third party. If you can stick to this idea I think it may make the whole plan go easier on you. But i will say you have some very good points.

[lawandorder]

Update!!!

 

I was at work yesterday and went out back to smoke and my ex called and had some of my mail. Some little ad paper. Nothing important but she said she had mail and brought it by. I was outside talking to her for a bit. She then said she has a few good days and alot of bad days. She cried 5 different times. She let it all out a few times. I made her feel better and talked in a positive manner and told her that life gets better. It always does. That we can all ways be friends and so forth. She never asked to get back together nor anything like that. She just let me know her life was living hell and she missed alot. She defended me when I told her I would not have wanted to be with someone like me. She looks at all the positive things now. I know that it all is getting to her now and she is really opening her eyes to what we had together. Now I know beyond a doubt that my plan is almost complete. Problem now is timing. If I take her back now, then we would be a little better than before but still have alot on the table to worry about. I will go into NC for at least 5 days. This way I can get my point accross alot more and give me more power to our relationship. My goal is to get back but to do it in a good way. I want the power but I want to use it to give her the best life I can and to do it where neither one of us are controled. I feel with in a few weeks we will be able to work things out. Or lets say 4 weeks. Give me room for error.

[freeindeed]

What happens to the new girl when you return to the ex? Is she falling in love with you? You might end up breaking her heart.

[chai714]

She's still emotional about the breakup. How long has it been? A female crying to you about her feelings does not mean she's coming back soon. I had an ex come to my house and cry before, and I misinterpreted the situation. She was sad, but that did not mean she wanted to get back with me. Also, by NC'ing her, that does not mean you're necessarily getting any more power. If you're withdrawing or turn it on cold to her for as a move, I could see this as more beneficial. I don't know the context of your exact visit with her, but just be aware that you can't count your chicken before it hatches.

[lawandorder]

freeindeed

 

I told the new girl from the start not to look into anything and I am going through a divorce and I am very unstable. I hope I dont hurt her and I hope I dont fall for her to hard. Its hard not to fall sometimes.

 

Chai

 

The reason I know she is taking the bait so hard is for what she said. She cried about us and what we had together and asked how long it would be before we could put all this behind us and start over. She talked about me opening another company and would love to be apart of it. She mentioned about my looks now and working out and so forth. She brought up that one of her friends saw me at a club Wednesday nite with another girl and wanted to know if my ex would get mad if she called me. LOL My ex got mad. She sent me a card in the mail that I got today telling me she loved me and she was sorry. but I still think that time is my best friend. time heals so much and gives such a clear pic of what is going on.

 

But as you said before. Pretend you are a third party and look at the whole pic and you get a good idea of what to do on each move. I love that view of this. It can say so much in few words and really help someone in a major way.

[chai714]

She cried about us and what we had together and asked how long it would be before we could put all this behind us and start over.

 

Like I said, I wasn't sure of the context of your meeting with her. This sounds good, but make sure (if you're going to get back with her) that you have learned about what went wrong. Often times, people get back into relationships only to jump right back into the same routine that tore them apart. Also, I wouldn't rush getting back with her. It might not be a bad idea to just "date" her for now along with this new girl. If you are going to take her back, allow her to work for it more. Humans tend to appreciate things more that they have to work a little for, rather than when something is freely given to them.

[lawandorder]

I agree again with you and I will be taking that advice. I will stick to it on that behalf. I have went into NC with her till next week. I know she wont call me for a few more days and that is fine but when she does I can pretty much tell what the conversation will be. I will give just a little hope to her but I will not just fall all out for her.

[lawandorder]

update!!!

 

yesterday I got a call from the ex. She wanted to take me to dinner. I told her I was booked up till Thursday. She got a little upset. I told her we can go to dinner but we are not going to my house nor are we going to have sex. It would be just friends. she also has told alot of people that we are going to the nascar races and to Cobo San Lucas in May. I found that out today. She must be on some good drugs right now. LOL As each day goes by the plan falls into place better and better. Any advice on things I could change a little bit on this plan?? Im not set on one way and would love to have some advice as well.

[fantasia2004]

Law,

I understand what you're saying and would agree with lots of what you said.

 

But this plan not only works to win someone back but it gets you out of pain and gets your feet back up under you and makes you a better person.

 

In the scheme of things, there is no master plan that lays out a particular strategy. Getting your ex back is a series of moves you make, and they depend highly on her reaction to your moves. It also involves turn it on hot and cold, at the right times. When she begins to come your way, turn it off and allow her to come. Then, as she walks away, turn it on again. It's very much like a dance. Obviously, you can't change a person's mind per se. BUT, you can influence their decisions. You become a character in a sense, and play the role. You play the role of whatever strategy or tactic you are using at the time. You learn what works and what does not, and how she reacts to your moves, then adjust your strategy as necessary. You must have the ability to constantly be analyzing your situation from a 3rd person perspective, paying VERY close attention to how she feels. Many people don't get this part. They get selfish and think "I feel like she's using me, I feel blah blah blah." It does not matter how you feel, it matters how she feels (or better yet, how you make her feel).

 

 

It does not make sense or am I not understanding it right maybe I am the fool that is or was or all alog going about it the wrong way !!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????/

[chai714]

It does not make sense or am I not understanding it right maybe I am the fool that is or was or all alog going about it the wrong way

 

What don't you understand? Most do go about it the wrong way from what I read on these boards. The good thing is though, once you recognize your behavior you can correct it. I'm telling you this much - you need to completely forget about how you feel. If you're angry, sad, upset, have a grudge, or any other negative feelings you have toward your ex, you need to ERASE THEM FROM YOUR MEMORY. In a wicked sense, you're programming your brain to block them out and to not take them into consideration when dealing with your ex.

 

Why do you have these feelings in the first place? Because we feel out of control of the situation, which produces fear. The response to fear, is anger. At the root of anger is low self-esteem, which explains why angry people have low self esteem. So, if you're having problems controlling your emotions or you actually think your feelings play a part in getting back your ex, you need to work on doing things that will raise your self-esteem. There are many ways of doing it and countless books on it. But, being able to recognize your unproductive behavior can be difficult, because you have to look in the mirror and pick yourself apart (hence why having the ability try to "view" your situation from a 3rd person perspective is really beneficial).

[lawandorder]

events last night in alot of respects. first: My ex has told alot of people that we are going away to Cobo San Lucas. I saw here Sunday night for a minute and I was in a great mood. She was down since she is working for almost nothing and has nothing. She was pretty down and upset over me dating someone else. But she asked me out to dinner and I put her off till Thursday and told her I would text message her to make sure I can make it then. Alot of people told me she talks about me alot and in a postive manner. She acted upset over me and the way I look now. I saw alot of her frineds at the club a week ago and it got back to her that there was someone with me and kissing and etc. Then she heard I was with 3 more girls on the dance floor. Hey, I was drunk. LOL

 

Now I hit a bump in the road. I need some help guys. The new girl I have been dating has gotten out of control. I have been focused on my ex. Well, she spends the weekends at my house and I spend the weeknights at her house. She bought me a Nascar thing for my birth day. $1500 to go to the Nascar school of driving and to a bunch of laps around Texas Motor Speedway in a Nextel Cup car. she has told me she really loves me about 6 times in the past few days. Ya see, I had a golden rule. Never date a girl more than once in 2 weeks. And when I did do more it has got feelings involved. I love my ex with all my heart. But I am also falling for the new girl. I guess you can be in love with 2 people. The only thing is I really dont want to have sex at all with my ex. I am not the point I dont want to live with my ex as much as I did a month ago. I can go days with NC now with my ex and I dont think about her. I have a new girl that respects me, treats me great and is not a gold digger. There are so many postive things about the new girl it is not funny. When I look at the 2 of them and step back and think, the new girl wins, hands down. But I still love the ex. Not really sure what move to make. Should I take my ex to dinner this week or just avoid her calls and wait a week and see how I feel??