Fighting, breaking up, staying together - help!

[Delamer1492]

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend and I are both in our thirties (me: early thirties, him: mid). We have been together for 4 years. We love each other and have a great time together but then we get into these awful arguments 2-3 times per week. And they are terrible. Here is the basic gist of it: I will say something that he takes great offense to and then he turns into this silent and sullen person. I try to talk about it, I try and apologize, but he will refuse to admit there is anything wrong. He just keeps saying: “there is no problem.” But he has gone from happy, smiling and kidding around to someone who is flat out refusing to speak. I usually manage to get through two attempts at apologizing and talking it through before I get completely frustrated by the one word answers and the total behavior change. And then we will argue about it for the next two or three hours until I throw my hands up and threaten to move out (this is generally at 2AM when I have to wake up at 5AM for work). He then cries and begs me not to leave him.

 

What do I do? I can’t live like this, I’m exhausted right now and my jaw hurts from clenching it. But I’m not the sort of person who just ignores a problem. If I’ve said something wrong, or phrased something badly, I want to apologize and fix it. But how can I fix it if he won’t even admit that there is a problem? He seems to want to just walk around silently hating me.

 

This isn’t a happy life for me and I can’t imagine it is for him either. All of this arguing has kept us from getting married and having a life together because we can’t even stay happy for a whole week. But, he doesn’t seem to want to break up. Just the mention of breaking up throws him into tears. I’m not even sure that I want to break up, to be honest, I really love the fool. But, I can’t keep going on two hours of sleep and I cannot deal with a brick wall of sullen behavior and problems I can’t fix. Any thoughts?

 

Many thanks in advance.

[Movingforward3]

Silent treatment is a passive aggressive method of communication. You need help in counseling to develop better communication skills.

[DoF]

What is it that you said that you have to apologize for? Seems like his lack of communication is a RESULT, your actions are a SYMPTOM.

 

Usually, once something is said and out.......you can apologize all you want, its done and there isn't much you can do. And it seems like he is having troubles accepting the things you tell him and recognize what kind of person you really are.....

 

You can't just offend someone, say sorry, and think the problem ends there. The damage is DONE at that point. Then you go around the keep nagging him about "what's wrong". WELL, YOU are what's wrong (it seems).

 

If I’ve said something wrong, or phrased something badly, I want to apologize and fix it.

But how can I fix it if he won’t even admit that there is a problem?

 

So in one sentence you are telling us you made a mistake and want to fix it. And then you go on to say that you don't even acknowledge that it's an actual problem.

 

Can it be that he feels that your apology is simply worthless and not sincere? he knows what the issues is, no need for you to ask him, and YOU should know it too. Don't make the act of "talking about what the issue is" as a prerequisite to "fixing it" or "I won't fix it unless you state it".

 

Fix the damn issue if you know what it is/apologized for it.

 

And then there is the whole thing of "can't fix words that come out of your mouth" Once they are out....it's DONE.

[Delamer1492]

I guess I should provide an example. Last night, he had just finished off his fifth drink and was heading into the kitchen for the sixth. I said casually: "Don't you think you are drinking too much for a Monday night?" and then he got upset and refused to speak to me. I tried to explain myself...that I wasn't trying to sound like I was judging him and I wasn't trying to imply that he didn't have the right to drink a sixth drink on a Monday. I was just surprised by it and I remarked on it without thinking. The damage was done, though, and he was upset with me. I hadn't meant to hurt his feelings and I certainly hadn't meant to make him feel bad. But, that's exactly what I did and so he became hurt and angry. But he wouldn't talk to me about it, so I couldn't explain and even when I tried to apologize all he would say was: "there's no problem" but still sat there hurt and angry.

 

I do understand that things cannot be unsaid and that the damage is done, but nobody is perfect and shouldn't people be allowed to apologize if they do sincerely? Shouldn't there be some understanding? I didn't mean make a comment about his drinking any more than I had meant to say something about fortune cookies on the previous Friday (another long story). And I'm happy to apologize and do so, but it's like they go right through him and it makes no difference. I say: "I'm sorry." and he says: "there's no problem." and he still sits there silent and sullen and night is ruined.

[Hollyj]

What the hell are you apologizing for? Stop!

 

His behavior is passive aggressive and very manipulative. Where are your boundaries?

 

He also sounds like he has a serious problem with alcohol.

[DoF]

I guess I should provide an example. Last night, he had just finished off his fifth drink and was heading into the kitchen for the sixth. I said casually: "Don't you think you are drinking too much for a Monday night?" and then he got upset and refused to speak to me. I tried to explain myself...that I wasn't trying to sound like I was judging him and I wasn't trying to imply that he didn't have the right to drink a sixth drink on a Monday. I was just surprised by it and I remarked on it without thinking. The damage was done, though, and he was upset with me. I hadn't meant to hurt his feelings and I certainly hadn't meant to make him feel bad. But, that's exactly what I did and so he became hurt and angry. But he wouldn't talk to me about it, so I couldn't explain and even when I tried to apologize all he would say was: "there's no problem" but still sat there hurt and angry.

 

Don't bring up drinking issue to a person that's intoxicated. OR talk about important things with a person that's under influence.

 

I do understand that things cannot be unsaid and that the damage is done, but nobody is perfect and shouldn't people be allowed to apologize if they do sincerely? Shouldn't there be some understanding? I didn't mean make a comment about his drinking any more than I had meant to say something about fortune cookies on the previous Friday (another long story). And I'm happy to apologize and do so, but it's like they go right through him and it makes no difference. I say: "I'm sorry." and he says: "there's no problem." and he still sits there silent and sullen and night is ruined.

 

What are you apologizing for? Seriously. Your concern was valid, there is nothing to apologize for.

 

your TIMING was WAY off though. Next time, do it when he is sober.

 

Better yet, how about you accept the fact that you might be dealing with an alcoholic/addiction issue here.......Monday night? 6 drinks? Doesn't sound healthy.

[mhowe]

Are you his mother? His sponsor?

Does he get up and go to work into the morning?

 

I would giyess that your "what, what did I say?" has gotten old.

 

You certainly did mean to judge.

[WithLove]

In reality, though, you are judging him. He's doing something you wouldn't be doing, especially on a work night, and you're judging him. You meant exactly what you said. If you can't be honest with yourself, at least be honest here.

 

The real issue, at least from the example you've provided, is his drinking. 6 drinks is a LOT to be drinking, even just at home. Does he normally drink that much in one sitting? Did he work the next day? Even if he didn't I'd put that type of drinking down to someone suffering from heartbreak or if they had an extremely bad day; otherwise, it's very much to excess.

 

The other issue, which is that he can see right through your judgment, can be solved by you choosing how you speak to him when it comes to things you don't like.

[patterned]

Silent treatment is a passive aggressive method of communication. You need help in counseling to develop better communication skills.

 

This.

 

Although 6 is a lot, and questioning someone about their consumption can be codependent, a bad relationship dynamic. In any case, yeah couples counseling to learn how to communicate/argue/work through things.