Should I ask him what he's looking for?

[missy1114]

Hello everyone,

So I've written about the same guy a couple of times on here. He's a grad school student that I've been seeing for the past 2 months (8 dates) and we met off of a dating app (not Tinder). So far, he only texts me to schedule dates and all of our dates have been in public. Despite my effort to initiate conversations between dates, he usually takes a while to respond or doesn't carry the convo going very far. We have a great time together and he seems to enjoy my company but hasn't initiated much physical contacts besides just casual pecks and hugs and he kissed me once in the beginning. I thought maybe he's not that into me but he keeps initiating dates and is very chivalrous (always offer to pay and pick me up, etc.). Things have been moving at a slow pace and I'm okay with that since I'm pretty inexperienced when it comes to dating.

 

Around the 2nd date, I asked him what he was looking for from the dating app and he said he'd like to have someone to go out and spend time with but he doesn't know if he wants a relationship. He also said his last relationship was a couple of years ago and he hasn't dated anyone else since he left his hometown to be here for grad school. I have another date scheduled with him this week and I plan on asking him the same question again to see if his intention has changed at all. I'm at the point where I'm becoming more attracted to him and can't see myself seeing him casually anymore. I'm not asking for an ultimatum; I just want to know if we're on the same page or not. At the same time, I don't know if it's too soon for me to broach the topic and I'm afraid I might scare him off. Any advice?

[mhowe]

If he changed his mind, he would let you know. He wants to date...and is relatively inexperienced.

 

You don't want to take it slow, so I suggest you get back on Tinder and line up,some more dates. This guy sounds like grad school is his primary focus....whereas you would like it to be you! Lol.

[j.man]

Why are you worried about "scaring him off?" If he doesn't want to pursue a relationship, you're better off not continuing to date him anyhow.

 

Personally, I think it's pointless to ask. He voiced his intention in the beginning and apparently hasn't done much to contradict his words. From this and your other post, I'd assume he's not looking to commit.

 

But if it's a conversation you really want to have, I'd call him up and have the talk. I don't think it's really worth meeting to discuss it.

 

The biggest thing I'd like you to take away is that you should always take a man at his word when he says he's not looking for a relationship.

[ParisPaulette]

I remember your other post about this being finals week and being not happy he wasn't in contact with you.

 

It sounds like he gets lonely, he's sort of interested, but he's more interested in getting through grad school. I think it's time to ask him yes, where he sees dating you going. If he again says he's not looking for anything at the moment tell him you are and things just aren't working out, so you're going to see other people and cut back on time with him to keep anyone from getting their feelings hurt.

 

And then you keep to your word and you let him go. He is just not into you enough to try to fold you into the world he's creating, which means it's kind of a waste if what you want is someone interested in sharing their life with you.

[BurntHoney]

Seems to me like he's looking for a casual date. He obviously enjoys your company, but he's not looking for intimacy or an emotional relationship yet.

He's communicated to you that he's interested in every way he knows how. He's probably just shy and little more subtle when it comes to romantic relationships.

[SpottiOtti]

Jeez, I almost got chills reading this, the guy sounds so cold. I think his actions speak loudly, as do his words ("not interested in a relationship").

[missy1114]

Thank you all for your comments. I do agree with you that school is his strongest priority in life right now and he's a very good student. When we're together, he's amazing. But when we're not together, it's almost like I don't exist. There were a few occasions when he'd make the time to see me prior to an exam. What's odd is that he does have a decent social life because he'd always tells me his plans to go out with his friends every weekend so it's hard for me to understand why he can't commit to a relationship. But I can also see other possible reasons such as not that into me, etc. Do you think it's even worth it for me to ask him then or should I just let this one go?

[missmarple]

If it's a relationship you want, let him go. It doesn't seem like he's the one for you.

[mhowe]

There is notjing wrong with enjoying dating and not wanting a relationship. He has been honest, a gentleman and he is paying for everything and expecting nothing but a companion. He has not.pushed for any intimacy.

[missy1114]

I just wanted to update you all on my date with this guy. It went really well. I never brought up the talk since I thought it'd be really awkward and I just went with the flow. We went to dinner at a nice restaurant and then headed to a bar for a couple of drinks. We started talking about dating in general and what his impression of me was. I think he does like me, but maybe is just inexperienced. I've gotten to know him a lot better on this date than any other ones we've been on. He said he really likes how nice and driven I am, that we have similar values and we both work hard towards our career goals. He said that he had dated 2 girls in undergrad, around 1 year relationship with each one. He talked about introducing me to his friends and spending more time with me during our Christmas break. At the end of the date, he dropped me off and gave me chocolate to help me get through my finals week. I think it's reasonable to say he'd potentially want a relationship with me. What do you all think?

[mhowe]

I think school is rightly his primary focus...and he likes you.

[Batya33]

I just wanted to update you all on my date with this guy. It went really well. I never brought up the talk since I thought it'd be really awkward and I just went with the flow. We went to dinner at a nice restaurant and then headed to a bar for a couple of drinks. We started talking about dating in general and what his impression of me was. I think he does like me, but maybe is just inexperienced. I've gotten to know him a lot better on this date than any other ones we've been on. He said he really likes how nice and driven I am, that we have similar values and we both work hard towards our career goals. He said that he had dated 2 girls in undergrad, around 1 year relationship with each one. He talked about introducing me to his friends and spending more time with me during our Christmas break. At the end of the date, he dropped me off and gave me chocolate to help me get through my finals week. I think it's reasonable to say he'd potentially want a relationship with me. What do you all think?

 

I think it sounds like a nice date and you'd be in the best frame of mind to take this one date at a time.

[SoulTaker]

I just wanted to update you all on my date with this guy. It went really well. I never brought up the talk since I thought it'd be really awkward and I just went with the flow. We went to dinner at a nice restaurant and then headed to a bar for a couple of drinks. We started talking about dating in general and what his impression of me was. I think he does like me, but maybe is just inexperienced. I've gotten to know him a lot better on this date than any other ones we've been on. He said he really likes how nice and driven I am, that we have similar values and we both work hard towards our career goals. He said that he had dated 2 girls in undergrad, around 1 year relationship with each one. He talked about introducing me to his friends and spending more time with me during our Christmas break. At the end of the date, he dropped me off and gave me chocolate to help me get through my finals week. I think it's reasonable to say he'd potentially want a relationship with me. What do you all think?

 

I think that the two of you have different priorities in why you both are dating, and that you're getting frustrated going at his dating pace. If the best thing you can state after 8 dates is that you think he likes you, then that's a problem. If you're with someone and that person is into you, then you'll know it on the 1st date.

 

Why are you dating him if the passion isn't there? It's a red flag when someone uses being "inexperience" as an excuse, but has previously been in multiple relationships. He knows exactly what he's doing. The question is not whether he wants a relationship with you, but why would you want a relationship with him (when there's no chemistry).

[missy1114]

 

I have to respectfully disagree with this. I've offered to pay for half the dates. I know we're both in college and I'm not out to get the guy to always pay for me. I'm dating him because I really like him and I enjoy spending time with him. He didn't say or make any remark about being inexperienced. That's just my assumption. I do agree that we both have different priorities that's why I'm getting frustrated at his pace. Otherwise, I do think we have chemistry and we both enjoy spending time with each other. I'll take it one date at a time and decide if I want to continue.