Clinical depression ends relationship.

[PICCOLLO]

Been with my girlfriend for a year. When we met she was funny, carefree and everything i'd ever wanted.

Fast forward three months and she confesses she is a recovering bulimic and attempted suicide several years ago. Things were going well, I didnt care.

 

After eight months I bought a house and she moved in. Things got shakey as she said she has trouble with changing environments. Things got better as she got used to the new place. We planned a holiday and things were good.

 

Her bulimia returned (i caught her) but it made me wonder if it had ever left. I confessed I loved her and id help her get through it. I got her into meetings and on medication. Our trip was a good incentive to keep getting healthy.

 

Finally we went on our holiday. She didnt enjoy it. On our return she was numb, withdrawn. She was in the full throes of depression. I kept helping her where I could but she spent most of her time in bed. She confessed she was depressed and needed to withdraw to get herself okay. She proceeded to cut out friends and family, the final step was me. Her life (although simple) had become too complicated to cope with. She packed her bags one morning and left.

 

We've been in NC since. Theres been no closure and by inference I assume its over. She was always too tired to discuss our future or what she needed.

 

The question is: where to from here? Is there any point chasing her, knowing she is unwell? From most of the stuff Ive read there is little point in pursuing this. Just wanted to hear from others who've had similar situations and what the outcomes were.

[dave_1966]

There is no way back from this, the only person who can help herself is her. If you know her whereabouts you should inform her family out of human decency but any attempts to maintain a relationship with her will pull you in to similarly dark places. It is not your problem, take care of yourself and move forward with your life. Don't take her back if she gets in contact.

[greta96]

I would let her go.

[Cocoapetal]

I am sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like you care about her and she is lucky to have found someone who would stand by her through her recovery. As someone who as been where your ex is,. I feel like she cannot see herself clearly right now, much less see you. She needs to do some inner work (therapy, journaling etc) and come clean to herself about what is eating her up inside... before she can come clean to anybody else. Recovery from bulimia is not an "event"... its a lifelong process/ new lifestyle...and relapse is always a possibility. If you do decide to stay with her,. she would need need to make sure that there is no secrecy about her food behaviours.

I hazard a guess that she was withdrawn on holiday because she was fully engaged in her bulimia and locked into her own world. There is a lot of shame/anger around bulimia and It is hard/often difficult to have intimate relationships if the person is fully engaged in it.

I wonder what triggered it off?. sometimes bulimia could be a psychosomatic way of playing out things that the person couldn't say/express, so they express this with food.

If you do decide to stay with her,.. you might need to ask if this relationship would fulfil YOUR needs as well.

Is she really in a place to 100% give this up, open up to you and someone else and work on your relationship?

Bulimia is not just about food,. its a disease of the soul.. and its terrible. I hope she gets better and and that you can find the clarity that you need to make the right decision.

 

Much Love,

CP

[DoF]

It's over. And her condition should play very little role in your decision (do NOT feel bad/ignore white knight syndrome). It's only been a year, you were still in honeymoon phase yet some major issues have already surfaced.

 

I think you dodged a bullet. I would ask her to never contact me again and proceed to healing/recovering for few months (no opposite sex contact). Then block her/ignore her going forward.

 

Do not remain because "you feel bad for her" or some other BS. Chances are HIGH she will try to pull you back in with guilt....EXTREME guilt somewhere along the line. So be prepared.

[HeartGoesOn]

Clinical depression is a debilitating illness that requires the help of a professional, and is not something you're equipped to handle. I'm sure your heart is in the right place, but as sad as it is, this is a battle you can't fight for her.

 

I would wish her well and be kind, but firm with your decision.

[Movingforward3]

Depression is the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with in a relationship with my ex. It is the most insidious of diseases. It saddens me that disease caused the demise of our relationship. I can only tell you from experience, that I admire you for trying to be there. Unfortunately, this is a fight neither one of us can do for our partners. They have to do it without us. Their thinking isn't right and not anything either one of us is thinking. The only thing you can do is wish them well as you walk away. As much as I hate to say it, they are broken.

[PICCOLLO]

thanks for all the replies.

 

I think we handled her bulimia really well. I simply had one rule and that was: if im around, tell me you feel like doing it or tell me if its happened afterwards. By our trip her bulimia was gone but, as its a coping mechanism for stress, it meant she had no outlet for her emotions.

 

I think she thought our holiday was going to the panacea to her problems and when it didnt eventuate, she let the darkness take her completely.

 

Sadly Ive always been a white knight when it comes to women but I know in my heart that leaving her alone is best for everyone. Its just sad to see such a beautiful girl suffer as she does. Worse still is she cannot and will not fight.

[PH Suite]

Heartbreaking to read this. I went through something very similar. The root wasn't bulimia, but the behavior doesn't really matter - whether it's substance abuse, promiscuity, cutting ... those are just the symptoms not the disease.

 

Too often people "recover" but what they've really done - putting it in alcoholic terms - is become dry not sober. Big difference, even if they've completed the 12 Steps and been dry for years. They're what's called a "dry drunk" (worth looking up if someone hasn't heard of this, especially if you're with someone that's ever had substance abuse issues), point being the root emotional/psychological causes are not necessarily dealt with, and if the demons ever creep back in and then it's a rapid slide into depression and often "relapse". I put recover and relapse in quotes in the preceding sentences because they were never really healthy to begin with no matter how sincere and dedicated they seem to being healthy, or how long between acting out the symptoms.

 

When it does restart, often a large part of the depression is based on not feeling worthy of what they've achieved - a better place in life, nice home or vacations, and especially a loving supportive partner. That last one is particularly true if they have a history of bad or abusive relationships within the family and romantically. The nicer you are, the more guilty it makes them feel because in their mind they don't deserve it and the more they withdraw and self-sabotage as well as sabotage the relationship.

 

I agree with every word of the excellent advice above. All you can really do is give her space and preserve yourself, and as bad as it might sound be thankful you dodged a bullet by not having been more involved than you two already were.

 

Hopefully she'll get the help to truly address what's going on deep in her psyche and get back to a healthier place in life. We all make big mistakes and we all relapse, it's only a matter of degrees and of how long between the cycles. For some it may be as small a thing as gaining 10 lbs, but to them that's a massive failure. For others it can be life-threatening behavior.

 

Be well, live and learn.

[Capricorn3]

Clinical depression is a debilitating illness that requires the help of a professional, and is not something you're equipped to handle. I'm sure your heart is in the right place, but as sad as it is, this is a battle you can't fight for her.

 

I would wish her well and be kind, but firm with your decision.

 

I was thinking the same but HeartGoesOn said it far more eloquently than I ever could.