onlyme1 Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 I am so sorry but this will be a long post, I think I need to do this to clear my mind but would also love some opinions/advice/support. I'm in my 30s and met the man of my dreams last year, in my eyes everything was perfect, we were loving, supportive, happy and very much in a stable relationship. We did have the odd argument but nothing I can physically remember now. The only very large argument was when my Dad died. For very good reasons he couldn't support me at the funeral, however, in the evening he decided he wanted to go out with his friends and not support me. I was so hurt and upset that he didn't want to be there for me at this most painful time. I considered breaking up with him. However, I put this down to his autism. I quickly forgave him and forgot; I did not hold it against him, he supported me in other ways. I knew he was feeling depressed and it was getting worse, this was caused by stress from his job. He was an occasional cocaine taker which I knew contributed to his mental health and had informed him of this. After my Dad died I was a lot more stressed and probably not there to support him as much as I had been before hand, his depression seemed to get worse. When I use to ask him what was wrong he would tell me everything, I would ask if I was stressing him out and he would tell me that I was the only good thing in his life. Our sex life was amazing at the beginning of our relationship but nearing the end it seemed to be none existent. I told him I wouldn't push him if he didn't want it or even try it on. I put it down to his depression. He was still loving to me and told me how much I meant to him, we always held hands and kissed. He then went away for two weeks to visit family, once he got back I went over to see him. He cried and told me that he couldn't do a relationship anymore, he thought I deserved someone who felt the same about him. He felt that it wasn't fair on me. I told him he was pushing me away because he was depressed, he informed me he didn't think it was that, but could he have a couple of weeks on a break to see how he felt. I agreed heartbroken. During the two weeks we had some no contact days and some days we talked, (previously we had spoken everyday) I asked about how he was and how he was feeling. We went out a couple of times, once for my birthday. We would always laugh and joke, hold hands and it would seem very much in love. During this time he went to the doctors and got signed off from his job for stress but didn't want any drugs. He has told me he is in a terrible place. During this time I told him I wanted to fight for him/support him, but he had to let me. On Saturday we went out to the theatre and when we got back he told me he didn't want to see me anymore. I could see how much pain he was in and how depressed he was. It broke my heart. I told him I loved him and that he was an amazing strong man and I had enjoyed every moment of our relationship. I walked away, deleted him from social media and tried to cope. The only contact I have had with him is asking if he is going to cancel our holiday at Christmas and to ask how a job interview had gone. He replied that he hadn't really done anything about the holiday but he would this week, this still isn't done on the Thursday even though he is signed off. He also told me that the job interview hadn't gone well and he didn't know what he would do if he didn't get. I just replied saying, I hope it all sorts itself out for you. I don't know what to do with this situation, I very much want to support him and love him but feel I have to walk away. Do you think this was caused by depression? Or am I deluded? I know I will be okay and will find someone else, I just need closure and advice on what people think. Please be gentle, I am fragile. Link to comment
DoF Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 He was an occasional cocaine taker No such a thing. Impossible. At this point I would tell you to run as fast and far away from this person as you can. Completely distance yourself from him and forget about him. All of the other things that you have experienced are typical of a HARDCORE drug user. Shady, withdrawn, distant........in time this will turn into abuse and a complete financial and life disaster. He is doing you a favor by leaving you.....and I think you would be a complete fool to stick around. DO NOT even think about "helping or supporting him". Only HE can help himself. Helping drug addicts = crippling/hurting yourself 99.999% of the time. Besides, when you needed support he decided to go off and snort coke...... STAY AWAY, heck RUN AWAY Link to comment
onlyme1 Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 Thank you for the reply DoF, he did not go off an snort coke when I needed him. In the year we were together he has probably taken coke 5 times. We spent 95% of our time together and I knew when he was doing it. I do not think this is to do with being a 'drug addict'. Link to comment
Helpexpressme Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 I'm sorry, but him not being there for you at the funeral when your dad died is bad. You deserve way better, and I agree with DOF that there is no such thing as a casual cocaine user. I don't know if he's "depressed" but it dosn't matter, he should be there for you 100% when it counts. Link to comment
DoF Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Thank you for the reply DoF, he did not go off an snort coke when I needed him. In the year we were together he has probably taken coke 5 times. We spent 95% of our time together and I knew when he was doing it. I do not think this is to do with being a 'drug addict'. You know what Coke addicts are great at? Hiding their addiction. Your post is my proof! You make more excuses FOR him than he does for HIMSELF. You are in denial, I'm sorry. "Casual Coke user" ROTFLMAO Link to comment
bulletproof Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Do you think this was caused by depression? Or am I deluded? I think it doesn't matter if it was caused by depression, because the end result is the same. I also don't think you're delusional as much as you are upset and wanting to think it wasn't the relationship that was flawed (or worse, that you are flawed). But clearly the relationship was flawed, because it ended. I think you need to let go of this mindset that uses words like "man of my dreams" or "everything was perfect." I also think that he didn't support you when your father died, the sex had deteriorated, and he was depressed. It sounds like it was over a while ago. Link to comment
onlyme1 Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 thank you for being gentle with me, when clearly I am not in a great place. Link to comment
DoF Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 thank you for being gentle with me, when clearly I am not in a great place. You shouldn't be in a great place, no one in your position would be. Just ignore your emotion and feelings for now. Go No Contact and take 3-6 months to heal/recover and learn from all of this. Remember, all of those thing you said at first "perfect man", everything perfect and all that = early /new relationship/honeymoon phase talking. It's NOT reality Link to comment
missmarple Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 So, you want to be there for him/support him...even when he doesn't want you to. Understandable when you love someone and I really feel for you. But this relationship hadn't been working for a while...maybe because this guy has too many problems (autism, drug user, depression, etc)...or maybe because he fell out of love (I know it's hard to hear but it does happen). Whatever the reason, I have to give him credit for the way he handled it and for not stringing you along for years. Respect his decision and walk away. Nothing else you can do, really. I'm sorry. Link to comment
onlyme1 Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 So, you want to be there for him/support him...even when he doesn't want you to. Understandable when you love someone and I really feel for you. But this relationship hadn't been working for a while...maybe because this guy has too many problems (autism, drug user, depression, etc)...or maybe because he fell out of love (I know it's hard to hear but it does happen). Whatever the reason, I have to give him credit for the way he handled it and for not stringing you along for years. Respect his decision and walk away. Nothing else you can do, really. I'm sorry. Thank you so much for your words, they make sense. I just feel he is pushing me away because he is depressed. Link to comment
DoF Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 I just feel he is pushing me away because he is depressed. He is pushing you away because a) he is an addict b) he doesn't want you/is interested in you c) he is a ty person I would be thankful, cause YOU are the one that should be running away from him, not the other way around. I suggest you re evaluate yourself and figure out what in this world would cause you to stick around or even get involved with a guy like that. CLEARLY there is something off with YOU. And that is the only advice most of us will ever give you, fix YOURSELF, cause that is the ONLY thing within YOUR control. Link to comment
j.man Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Cocaine can be and is widely used recreationally. It has an addiction rate lower than alcohol and costs exponentially more than alcohol to get addicted to. Most people couldn't afford to get addicted to cocaine even if they wanted to. That said, the issues of this relationship span much further than any past or present use. I'd duck out. Link to comment
LC8328 Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 I think you did all the right things from your end. You were supportive when he didn't necessarily deserve it. And when he told you he didn't want to be in a relationship, you respected his words. You showed him love, respect, and consideration. So it wasn't anything you did, or didn't do. I don't think you're deluded, but I do think he has a side of him you don't know too well. When he went to see his family for 2 weeks and you visited him and he cried, I think these are tears of guilt. I think he did something during that time that he isn't proud of, and his response (instead of owning up to it) was to tell you he didn't want to be in a relaltionship anymore. I don't think this all happened because of his depression, I just think he has a lot of issues/ problems and he is pushing you away because he knows you deserve better. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 I told him I loved him and that he was an amazing strong man and I had enjoyed every moment of our relationship. I walked away, deleted him from social media and tried to cope. You are a class act. You have every reason to be proud of yourself and hold confidence that the next guy you love someday will be lucky to have you. We can't help who we love, we can only recognize that some people are best loved from far away. Head high. Link to comment
onlyme1 Posted October 30, 2015 Author Share Posted October 30, 2015 You are a class act. You have every reason to be proud of yourself and hold confidence that the next guy you love someday will be lucky to have you. We can't help who we love, we can only recognize that some people are best loved from far away. Head high. Thank you 😊 Link to comment
mike2305 Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 Talking to him will always be the best way forward, I know that from a releationship I had and always wished I had talked, I got drunk instead and totally messed it up. You can always think later that at least you tried, I didnt. Link to comment
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