aussielis Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Back again arghhh After having a break from dating for a year to get myself back on track I finally started dating again. Swept me off my feet saying all the right things i.e. ready for someone like me. On our 2nd date he told me he had diabetes 2. He also told me that 3 years before he has a horse trainer (he loves horses) and whilst working a horse fell on him, broke his foot. This got infected and he had to have half his foot amputated. Things were good for the first month but we had a couple of outings where alcohol was involved, a wine tour and free booze footy day. I waited to have sex for 6 weeks, first time it didn't work due to not getting hard, he admitted that he had diabetes for 20 years and he has had problems later on in life with getting an erection. Not so much when younger though. He then started sweating profusely (a cause from the diabetes & shaking). He was upset it didn't work so we tried again later, from then on it was never really hard and fell out so to speak. Sometimes I would be over at his place and he wouldn't even try. I must say for the first month he was always paying me compliments. On our winery trip he got thrown out of a pub for abusing a horse owner as it didn't have enough water, I had to rescue him and he wanted to hit the security officers. The following week we had a football day free alcohol. It was the grand final so very big day. He drank a lot and smoked. After a few hours, I was cheering for the team, he told me off for screaming in his ear and to yell the other way. When I go out I take funny photo's of people doing weird things, I tried to take a photo of a girl who had her back to us. He said if you take that photo I am leaving? Then the organiser of the lunch a male asked for my feedback on the day, I told him it was great apart from the rude MC who was telling crude jokes. At this point my partner stormed past and muttered under his breath. It was like he was embarrassed to be with me. I asked what his problem was and why was he being arrogant esp when drinking. He denied this and said he was going home and said are you coming or staying here? I got in the cab with him and got him to drop me off home. Next night he rings still sounding grumpy and said we were both annoying each other?? From here on the romantic texts cut down he still asked me out but I tried to talk about the event but he said he had moved on from it. I could send him backing off though. Still called me nearly every day but not as romantic. Last Thursday we went out he was holding my hand and touching me but I had kind of zoned out. Didn't hear all weekend from him then Sunday he calls and say's we are better as friends as the 'Lust' has worn off? Omg how can we have lust when he cant get an erection properly? I am now taking this all on board and thinking that I did something to turn him off or be less attracted? He also told me earlier on he saw a girl earlier on in the year but broke it up due to not being attracted to her? Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 I would have left after the abusive drunk episodes. Nothing worse than an angry drunk Link to comment
Willywagtail Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 You did nothing, you're simply not compatible. He's essentially impotent and gets aggressive when he drinks too much. (Hardly surprising really as he's probably unconsciously really angry about not being able to get an erection.) Simply put, he has issues which have nothing to do with you. Don't take it personally that he can't get an erection and then says the lust has worn off. He needs to save face to justify what has happened between you - which again, is understandable. I don't think he's a keeper. Best to move on - he has too much baggage. Link to comment
aussielis Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 You did nothing, you're simply not compatible. Not compatible? In what way? Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 There are a lot of red flags and his diabetes is just a symptom of them. 1) I know plenty of people that have had diabetes2 for 20 plus years and are not in that bad a shape BUT they don't do the following: a. They don't drink alcohol heavily and frequently b. They don't smoke C. They exercise on a regular basis to keep their circulation going so they don't have limb issues (and erection issues) If this man is overweight, add that to the red flag list. Other red flags outside of his health: 1) he is an angry drunk 2) he is a violent drunk 3) he is extremely insecure 4) he is looking for someone to take care of him I'd run for the hills. This seems like a walking nightmare on crack. Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Not compatible by you wanting to have an active sex life & him not being able to have an erection. You wanting to take pics of funny things & he not liking it. You telling the organiser that the MC was rude & him being embarrassed that you voiced your opinion. Him getting s***faced drunk & you having to rescue him..... Shall I go on? Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 I would have left after the abusive drunk episodes. Nothing worse than an angry drunk Ditto. Nothing about this guy sounds appealing. Nothing. I would be gone before you can even blink. Link to comment
aussielis Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 There is nothing wrong though with me taking funny pictures is there? no one has ever had a problem before with this. & telling the organiser the guy was crude, wow he was even telling me he thought the guy was crude. Funny this is after the photo incident he started yelling out to the same girl and antagonising her as her football team lost. Not sure why he was allowed to do that and I couldn't take a sneaky pic without her seeing. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 As usual, sex is not the point. A man with no physical ability to have p in the v sex can still offer an erotic sex life. DTMFA. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 As usual, sex is not the point. A man with no physical ability to have p in the v sex can still offer an erotic sex life. DTMFA. To me sex is a sidebar to the rest of the drama. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 There is nothing wrong though with me taking funny pictures is there? no one has ever had a problem before with this. & telling the organiser the guy was crude, wow he was even telling me he thought the guy was crude. Funny this is after the photo incident he started yelling out to the same girl and antagonising her as her football team lost. Not sure why he was allowed to do that and I couldn't take a sneaky pic without her seeing. So, do you actually want to be with this guy? As a life partner? Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 There is nothing wrong though with me taking funny pictures is there? no one has ever had a problem before with this. & telling the organiser the guy was crude, wow he was even telling me he thought the guy was crude. Funny this is after the photo incident he started yelling out to the same girl and antagonising her as her football team lost. Not sure why he was allowed to do that and I couldn't take a sneaky pic without her seeing. It really does not matter about all this minutia. As others have said you are not compatible. Let him go find someone who wants to be his mum and nurse him. Someone who will subvert to his insecurities. Someone who likes to get drunk and obnoxious like he does. Link to comment
beanpot Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Just imagine a lifetime of drunken rage... you don't want that right? Please leave before you are more invested! You don't deserve that! Link to comment
aussielis Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 understandable that he uses the excuse of saying the lust has worn off you mean? Link to comment
aussielis Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 My counsellor said there is nothing wrong with you taking funny pix as you are not harming anyone. I told him at the time, 'I have noticed you get very arrogant when drinking' He did not like this comment at all, its true though. Link to comment
notalady Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 So I'm curious what did you learn about yourself and dating, from taking a year off dating, and I wonder if you are ready to date. That's a genuine question by the way. You seem to have a lot of self doubt about what you did or didn't do wrong, when to most people, it's clear what you did was not wrong. You also didn't end things after so many red flags (as others have already listed, so I won't repeat), which points to lack of healthy boundaries (what you will and won't put up with) and self respect on your part. Hence my questions. Link to comment
aussielis Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 So I'm curious what did you learn about yourself and dating, from taking a year off dating, and I wonder if you are ready to date. That's a genuine question by the way. You seem to have a lot of self doubt about what you did or didn't do wrong, when to most people, it's clear what you did was not wrong. You also didn't end things after so many red flags (as others have already listed, so I won't repeat), which points to lack of healthy boundaries (what you will and won't put up with) and self respect on your part. Hence my questions. Hi, in regards to not ending things earlier when the red flags came up yes in hindsight I know I should have ended things after the football day but like my counsellor say's I have a caring nature and like to give people the benefit the doubt. He apologised the next day and said can we move on, I spose my last relationship if he stuffed up he would just disappear for days no apologies so this time I have learned so to speak, I told him how it was that day and said he was arrogant and this is me take it or leave it. Instead of in the past me chasing him I let him go home and sulk and call me the next day rather than call him which is what I would have done in the past. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Hi, in regards to not ending things earlier when the red flags came up yes in hindsight I know I should have ended things after the football day but like my counsellor say's I have a caring nature and like to give people the benefit the doubt. He apologised the next day and said can we move on, I spose my last relationship if he stuffed up he would just disappear for days no apologies so this time I have learned so to speak, I told him how it was that day and said he was arrogant and this is me take it or leave it. Instead of in the past me chasing him I let him go home and sulk and call me the next day rather than call him which is what I would have done in the past. I'm sorry but it seems like you are talking at us not with us. You have yet to answer any direct questions posed to you but keep repeating the same questions over and over that we have answered multiple ways. Until you start interacting with us and having dialog we are not going to be able to help you much. Link to comment
aussielis Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 I'm sorry but it seems like you are talking at us not with us. You have yet to answer any direct questions posed to you but keep repeating the same questions over and over that we have answered multiple ways. Until you start interacting with us and having dialog we are not going to be able to help you much. How am I not interacting with you? The question previously asked was about my boundaries, I addressed what I have learned and what my counsellor advised as to not ending it at the time, meaning I gave the guy the benefit of the doubt.Whats your question? Link to comment
aussielis Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 There are a lot of red flags and his diabetes is just a symptom of them. 1) I know plenty of people that have had diabetes2 for 20 plus years and are not in that bad a shape BUT they don't do the following: a. They don't drink alcohol heavily and frequently b. They don't smoke C. They exercise on a regular basis to keep their circulation going so they don't have limb issues (and erection issues) If this man is overweight, add that to the red flag list. Other red flags outside of his health: 1) he is an angry drunk 2) he is a violent drunk 3) he is extremely insecure 4) he is looking for someone to take care of him I'd run for the hills. This seems like a walking nightmare on crack. I don't see any questions in any of your posts and thanks for posting btw. You are merely making statements about him, no he wasn't overweight. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 How am I not interacting with you? The question previously asked was about my boundaries, I addressed what I have learned and what my counsellor advised as to not ending it at the time, meaning I gave the guy the benefit of the doubt.Whats your question? There have been questions about 1) what do you want out of this relationship? 2) Why do you put up with all these red flags? Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 I don't see any questions in any of your posts and thanks for posting btw. You are merely making statements about him, no he wasn't overweight. Other posters have been asking you questions. You have not answered them. Link to comment
notalady Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Hi, in regards to not ending things earlier when the red flags came up yes in hindsight I know I should have ended things after the football day but like my counsellor say's I have a caring nature and like to give people the benefit the doubt. He apologised the next day and said can we move on, I spose my last relationship if he stuffed up he would just disappear for days no apologies so this time I have learned so to speak, I told him how it was that day and said he was arrogant and this is me take it or leave it. Instead of in the past me chasing him I let him go home and sulk and call me the next day rather than call him which is what I would have done in the past. That is a small step up on your part, to state when he crossed the boundary. But to have better boundaries means that you know what are acceptable and respectful behaviours and what aren't, therefore there is no point giving the benefit of the doubt when someone acts in an unacceptable or disrespectful manner to you. Just because he was better than the last one (hardly), in that he actually apologised and not disappeared for days, does not mean that it is acceptable and should be looked past, nor does it mean it's not a red flag that he did or said those things to start with. Abusers, for example, are excellent at apologising and begging the abused to forgive them and give them another chance and give them the benefit of the doubt. And they do. Not saying this guy is an abuser but I hope you see what I mean. The problem is not his ED, it's him. He has too many issues and red flags and you dodged a bullet. I personally find that whenever I have to give someone the benefit of the doubt, it means I'm acting against my instincts (which is telling me what he did or said was not right), and I was wrong to do so each time. Use benefit of the doubt very very sparingly, it does not serve your benefits well. Link to comment
notalady Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 I also think that you don't have any set standards (or at least not high ones) for what you want in a guy, which serve as one's guidance to determine if someone's behaviour is acceptable and determine how you should react, should someone behave in an unacceptable way. All you have for guidance is past experience, i.e. this guy is better than the last one. That's a really low bar and not helpful when the last one was not good to start with. It's like being given a piece of mouldy bread after being starved for weeks, you scoff it down and says "well that wasn't so bad, at least it's better than being starved to death." You need to set new standards, higher standards, write them down and remind yourself of them when dating. Link to comment
aussielis Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 There have been questions about 1) what do you want out of this relationship? nothing now, its over!!! 2) Why do you put up with all these red flags? because prior to this he was an extreme angel and sounded geniune. my question is why did he tell me the first time we had sex he has an ED? and then when he ends it say's the lust has gone and blame it on me? it makes me think i did something wrong to turn him off? Link to comment
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