My boyfriend is leaving me because of my drinking

[missidk]

Hello all,

 

I would really love some advice as I've been struggling with an alcohol addiction for about four years now. I'm 23 and my boyfriend is 28, we haven't had the best relationship because of my drinking but we've been together for over five years. In the early part of our relationship, I didn't drink and we both smoked weed. I decided to quit smoking weed (he never did) and we moved into a new house. We both started drinking heavily for about a few months in the new house. He stopped but I didn't.

I'm in school but over the summer my drinking increased heavily, the only time I have haven't been drinking is when I'm hungover, all the while he's sober. I might add that it's never a good idea for me to drink because I don't stop and blackout. I've told him over and over that I was going to quit but never did.

 

Many bad things have come from my drinking including a DUI, saying a lot of mean things, losing a lot of friends and now losing my boyfriend. I've also gotten physical with people, including him once. I embarrass myself and him on the regular and I really don't blame him at all for wanting out. We literally have the perfect life and relationship when I'm sober though.

 

We broke up because last Thursday while he was at work, I drank a lot and was really upset about how our relationship is going. By the time he got home I was ready to tell him all about it. I proceeded to break up with him and told him to move out. I didn't mean anything I said and don't even remember saying it. However, that is what he intends to do. He hasn't gotten his stuff yet but he said he's applied for another house so I should be prepared for next month's bills. I've tried to apologize and tell him I'm going to get help but he doesn't believe a word I say and I don't blame him. This has happened over and over and he actually did move once.

 

I've realized this has gone too far and am going to my first AA meeting tomorrow and also going to seek counseling. I want this most of all for me but I can't help wanting to try to save our relationship because it is really great when I don't drink. He knows that and says he's glad I'm going to get better but doesn't want anything to do with me. He even went as far as saying that he doesn't love me anymore.

 

I know I really don't deserve him after treating him badly when I'm drunk but is there anything I can do besides getting help? He usually leaves or gets mad when I drink and the next day I'll apologize and we work it out and it's always been his way of telling me that I need to stop drinking or I'm going to lose him. I'm so scared we won't get back together this time. I really am going to stop drinking. He means everything to me and I feel so horrible about what I've done, I don't even know who I am when I drink.

[mhowe]

You have a long and difficult road ahead of you and you will need all of your strength and focus for yourself. Not a relationship...certainly not a relationship with a man you have never been sober around.

 

I wish you strength.

[ThatwasThen]

I know I really don't deserve him after treating him badly when I'm drunk but is there anything I can do besides getting help?

When you start your treatment and your sobriety, you will learn tools that will help you to remain clean and sober. Google "The 12 Steps" and start reading and don't put off going to your first meeting. The longer you do that, the more likely you are to relapse or just keep up the status quo.

 

The most important thing right now is you getting the help you need to stop drinking and sabotaging the very thing you say you want. You can do this ~ be strong.

 

Time to put the focus on you right now and perhaps when you've actually been sober for a year, you can re-visit romantic relationships then. If he comes back to you now, you'll not learn anything except that once again, you giving him lip service with no actions to back what you say up is all you need to do and you can just go back to being the drunk that you were. (are still?)

 

How long has it been since your last drink?

[bulletproof]

Consider how this has been for him. Also consider what he needs to work on (alone), because he must have some kind of issues to have stuck around through this for so long. I would guess you both need a good amount of time away from each other.

 

So no, there is nothing you can do right now beyond getting help and respecting his space. You never know what's ahead but for now you probably just have to focus on today.

[missidk]

I drank on Friday night. I'm determined to conquer this demon for good this time. Thank you all for replying.

[bulletproof]

Good luck. You are capable of beating this and in a way, it's good that the wake-up call came while you are still very young and haven't done too much damage to your body or your life.

[missidk]

I know. I've been reading a lot of articles about families with an alcoholic and I never even realized the kind of pain I must have caused him. I have so much regret, he deserves so much better than that. I just want to be the one to give it to him

[Limiya]

Good for you for finally taking action.

Action is the only thing that will help you now.

Your BF has heard you make a lot of promises and seen you do nothing towards keeping those promises. Of course he's not going to believe you.

Do this for yourself and your future. Your BF may not be in it, but that doesn't matter. You have to focus on yourself only for now.

Don't try and pressure him into getting back with you. Don't keep making promises to him that you're getting help etc. He is angry, and won't want to hear it.

Give him space and time away from you while you start your journey. Eventually he'll see you quietly changing your life for the better, and by then he may have calmed down a bit.

Also, he may need to see a counselor to help him with his enabling issues.

 

My ex was a heavy drinker and coke taker and it really did a number on me mentally. So i understand it all so much more now.

Good luck.

 

Limiya

[j.man]

Honestly, there's nothing I can add that you haven't said yourself, OP. You're already aware you've gone too far. You already know there's nothing you can do but get help. And you're very aware you two may not get back together.

 

This is your time to take care of you and you're taking initiative. I worked for years in rehab facilities and it's a struggle, but a good many people come out of programs much more mature than anyone I've met sober.

 

Best of luck. Don't short-change yourself on treatment.

[Capricorn3]

I've realized this has gone too far and am going to my first AA meeting tomorrow and also going to seek counseling. I want this most of all for me but I can't help wanting to try to save our relationship because it is really great when I don't drink. He knows that and says he's glad I'm going to get better but doesn't want anything to do with me. He even went as far as saying that he doesn't love me anymore.

Good for you for going to AA and hopefully counseling too as you have a long road ahead of you and this is the right thing to do. Your focus right now should be on sorting yourself out and NOT worrying about getting your boyfriend back because it's not going to happen. The damage is done. Follow the 12 steps for however long it takes.

Good luck.

[Sportster2005]

It's great you are taking a very brave step. Your priority is you. You won't achieve any stability, ergo sobriety until you put this relationship behind you.