Online Dating

[Majority45]

Hi,

 

I'm new to these forums. I'm 33 and live in the northern part of England.

I have been single for five years, and only ever had one girlfriend. I'm 5'3, and average looking.

 

In my experience most women are usually very shallow and superficial. However I can't speak for girls outside of England. That said, I am constantly lonely. Most of my friends are married and have moved on. 33 can be a lonely age.

 

I would like to strike up conversations with girls inside clubs, bars, etc. But I don't have that kind of confidence. I conceded this only recently. Being small (5'3) plays on my mind, and I'm not image obsessed with tattoos and a fashionable beard, therefore I find bars and clubs to be shallow places where partners find one another based on looks. I have to emphasis - I'm not lacking confidence when around girls, nor would I find it difficult to engage conversation or make a girl feel comfortable if I was with her. My problem is meeting girls.

 

I just find clubs and bars are difficult places to meet girls, talk properly and I don't mind admitting I'm just not cut out for the cut throat shallow world of pretentious bars. I would also have to frequently venture out on my own, because as mentioned above most of my friends are settled. They're not interested in leaving the comfort of their local pubs, for expensive venues in a nearby city for no decent reason. The thought of wondering around by myself hoping to meet girls is a depressing thought, if I'm honest.

 

I'm left with online dating. And I'm a short arse. Is joining an online dating site worth my effort? I've mostly read and heard negative stories about online dating, especially from a male perspective. I was once told 70% of the women are dating probably no more than 30% of the men. That said, I presumably have no chance.

[DoF]

In my experience most women are usually very shallow and superficial.

 

But you just told us you have very limited experiance. Don't assume that. Find out.

 

Advice #1, be positive and optimist about women and your future love life. Your attitude WILL be reflected off you and women will notice is......

 

However I can't speak for girls outside of England. That said, I am constantly lonely. Most of my friends are married and have moved on. 33 can be a lonely age.

 

Don't worry about others/your friends, worry ONLY about yourself. What exactly are you looking for? Do you want to have fun/date OR do you want Long Term Relationship?

 

I would like to strike up conversations with girls inside clubs, bars, etc.

 

Last place I would recommend looking for Long Term relationship material (if that is what you want)

 

But I don't have that kind of confidence.

 

This is due to lack of experience. What was the last time you asked a lady out and got rejected? You need that to happen and get to a point where you no longer care or have any fear!

 

That's about the point where your confidence will be high! You need this as this is the key to attracting women.

 

Remember, women sniff out lack of confidence like dogs do fear. And lack of confidence is usually the biggest turn off....

 

Work/focus on this. Face your fears head on and get rejected!

 

I conceded this only recently. Being small (5'3) plays on my mind, and I'm not image obsessed with tattoos and a fashionable beard, therefore I find bars and clubs to be shallow places where partners find one another based on looks.

 

Your height is as big of a deal or as little of a deal as you make it. Currently you are making it a big deal. DON'T and STOP IT!

 

You cannot love someone else, unless you first love yourself! So accept yourself for who you are and love YOURSELF first! THEN you will be ready to find someone special.

 

Work on this as well.

 

I have to emphasis - I'm not lacking confidence when around girls, nor would I find it difficult to engage conversation or make a girl feel comfortable if I was with her. My problem is meeting girls.

 

I just find clubs and bars are difficult places to meet girls, talk properly and I don't mind admitting I'm just not cut out for the cut throat shallow world of pretentious bars. I would also have to frequently venture out on my own, because as mentioned above most of my friends are settled. They're not interested in leaving the comfort of their local pubs, for expensive venues in a nearby city for no decent reason. The thought of wondering around by myself hoping to meet girls is a depressing thought, if I'm honest.

 

Again, stay away from clubs/bars. Probably the last place to find someone special. Most people go there to hook up and get drunk/do drugs. NOT the best kind of folks OR long term relationship material!

 

I'm left with online dating. And I'm a short arse. Is joining an online dating site worth my effort? I've mostly read and heard negative stories about online dating, especially from a male perspective. I was once told 70% of the women are dating probably no more than 30% of the men. That said, I presumably have no chance.

 

It's worth a try. Why not? What do you have to loss?

 

I would always tell you to just approach a lady that you find/desire in public somewhere. Maybe at a park.....supermarket....etc. Build up experience and courage of getting over that fear is the key.

 

What is it that you love to do? I usually tell people do what you love and find people that share similar interests!!! Do you have a hobby? Sports? find people around you that do similar things.

 

If you do the online thing, remember it's a #s game. It's like looking for a job, for 100 application you fill out you MIGHT get 2-3 strikes. Keep online communication limited/brief and shoot for 5-10 min meet up for coffee....and proceed to a date if you click.

 

Good luck

[melancholy123]

Actually as a woman, I find most women shallow, so I hear you there. Join a club or group or similar that you have an interest in. Community theatre, a band if you play an instrument, go to night school. I agree bars are not great places for finding someone.

[bulletproof]

Take a class, join a sport team, volunteer, join a meetup, get a fun side job, join a club, and so on. There are tons of ways to meet people beyond online dating. But definitely use online as a resource, too. Can't hurt.

 

And you might want to let go of the idea that most women are shallow. That's likely not going to help you out in the dating world. Your whole post was pretty negative, so maybe that's something to work on also.

[emma olivia]

Be that as it may, you just let us know you have extremely constrained experiance. Try not to accept that. Figure out.

Counsel #1, be sure and self assured person about ladies and your future adoration life. Your state of mind WILL be reflected off you and ladies will see is......

[DoF]

Actually as a woman, I find most women shallow

 

Nothing to do with men or women, EVERYTHING to do with HUMAN BEINGS hehe

 

I'm not disagreeing

[greta96]

If you think women in bars and clubs are superficial and shallow, wait until you experience online dating lol... Many women don't even get past the initial stats, and when they read 5'3 they click "next". Is it fair? No, of course not. There are tons of great guys out there under 5'10, but unfortunately the reality is that online, shorter guys are not being given the attention they should. I think you have more chances to meet and attract women in person, where they can get a glimpse of your personality too, than online.

With that said, I see no harm in trying, as long as you don't take whatever happens personally and let it affect you in any way. You can use online dating sites as a supplement to real life dating, going to clubs, etc. But your main way to meet women should be while out and about, living your life. Don't look for it, live and it will come to you.

[Striker0602]

I dont have any problem with the feelings you have here. People, men and women, are by and large A**es when we dont get to know them lol. Your attitude on the situation sounds down though, and that will play more than you think when you approach anyone, whether at a club, class, or anywhere else. The other thing, STOP stop stop looking at the statistics. The odds of finding the right person are stacked against all of us, all the time, constantly... Until it happens. Again, don't let the stats get you down, I started a thread about a month ago questioning if I should be dating since I was soon to be getting braces and though that would immediately disqualify me. Some women thought it might be a turn on, many women didnt think it would matter, and the ones who at least seemed more shallow werent that bad either, so dont think your height is some kind of disadvantage, in fact I would recommend starting a thread about that and simply asking if your height/lack of a beard is really a problem. In reading your post, sounds like this problem with your own attractiveness is more in your head than anything else.

[Majority45]

OK, thank you to everybody who has replied. I have read them all, and I'm trying to take realistic portions of advise on board.

 

Firstly, I should explain more to help clarify my position. I think my main problem is actually meeting girls, not being rejected by them. Of course we all recognise that many girls are probably more superficial than ever before, I'm aware of this reality through experience - & that's the modern world we live in unfortunately. However I'm not bothered about rejections, because I'm not even meeting them in the first place.

 

I concede I do not have the required 'gift of the gab' for clubs and bars, I feel really insecure about approaching a girl in that kind of environment. Nor or am I confident enough, physically attractive enough and pretentious enough for the atmospehre of trendy bar culture. And for whatever reason I feel uncomfortable in these places. Unfortunately this is how most people meet one another in Northern England.

Hence the giant egos of young men everywhere.

 

I may give online dating a go, however I'm not looking forward to it lol. I suspect I will attract the interest of only the most horrendous examples of single Yorkshire women out there, and that will probably make me feel even worse.

Scare stories abound, but there is clearly some truth for men to learn from. It does seem to me online dating is mostly a convenient way for young attractive women to go on dates with a small minority of carefully chosen, physically appealing men. And nothing else matters.

 

That said, I live on my own. I am not going to trawl around town by myself after work ,hoping to meet a girl in a fashionable bar setting, who isn't looking for a pretentious, hipster, film star wannabe.

I am a home owner, I am also a musician, however, I emphasis I don't play acoustic guitar crap in a generic band. I make music on my own, and though I have played gigs in the past - I've never attracted a girl as a consequence.

[Majority45]

Continuing..... I work full time, and have pretty much no social life to look forward to whatsoever. I never meet new people, particularly girls. It seems I am trapped in a setting of work, home, work, home. I am stuck as to how I can actually meet new, attractive girls. Especially if I am to reject the standard, popular club/bar setting.

 

I would spend more time in bars in the hope of meeting girls, but I have nobody to hang out with. As I said, the thought of sitting in bars by myself is quite depressing.

[Majority45]

Meet up is a decent option. I've looked into it before, and the only issue I have is that the groups looked to be made up of men like me. Single, not young enough and not old either. Lonely men, presumably. Few girls seemed to be listed in the group details.

[Ms Darcy]

How do you define attractive?

 

I think we are all superficial. If you have a racial preference, weight preference, style preference, hair preference, then that's superficial.

 

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with having preferences and I don't think people should lower their standards. But I have noticed now that women are being as picky as men then it's a problem.

 

I don't think online dating is a great place for a short guy. Nor is it a great place for asian males for example. So, I would try to exhaust options that are real life.

[Striker0602]

Yeah there are demographics the do poorly in online dating, for instance I hear that African American Females pretty much dont get anywhere.... but I know one who met her LT boyfriend that way. Statistics don't matter, when I get back out to date, Im going to pursue as many avenues as I can, online, potentially bars, Im also looking into the meetup option but it makes me uncomfortable, I may even ask the small group of friends I have if they know anyone. Dont be so hung up on horrendous girls being attracted to you, thats going to happen either way, focus more on you while you do it. Have fun, hit the gym, attraction isnt all about looks, sometimes thats even true online. sometimes....

[bulletproof]

Continuing..... I work full time, and have pretty much no social life to look forward to whatsoever. I never meet new people, particularly girls. It seems I am trapped in a setting of work, home, work, home. I am stuck as to how I can actually meet new, attractive girls. Especially if I am to reject the standard, popular club/bar setting.

 

I would spend more time in bars in the hope of meeting girls, but I have nobody to hang out with. As I said, the thought of sitting in bars by myself is quite depressing.

 

You are stuck because you're choosing to be stuck. As others have mentioned, bars/clubs are not the idea place to meet people. Do you know any married couples? How did they meet?

 

People have offered other suggestions besides online venues (meetup and online dating). Leave your house, and not to go to a bar. Surely there are other activities in your town like the ones previously suggested (adult classes, volunteering, sports, etc.).

[John John]

OP, my heart goes out to you. I'm not as short as you are (I'm between 5'8/5'9), and I actually have done ok with online dating. What I have noticed is that there are significant drop-offs in dating options for men as you go below 6ft, moreso below 5'10", and then a huge dropoff below 5'7/5'8 (which seems to be the minimum for many women, including very petite ones). Online dating is notoriously superficial on both sides, and make no mistake, height is the FIRST thing that women are going to point their mouse/finger and click to filter on. And I mean, it makes sense, with all the "options" that OLD gives them (and everyone), many don't have to entertain the notion of dating someone that has a certain physical dealbreaker.

 

Everyone is entitled to their physical preferences, and there's nothing we do about it nor should we attempt to change them (and few want to hear you complain, especially if you're a guy, it often seems). I say, get in where you fit in. Try the reverse Match option to find women that are ok with guys of your height. I have recently gotten some winks from very attractive women who actually listed they'd be ok with men of 5"2 and up. So don't lose hope OP! I know a few guys around your size all successful and married.

 

However, I say as a short guy (especially under 5'8"), I'd say use other avenues as well as online dating. But online dating is particularly rough for short men (as well as other demographics already listed in this thread).

[itsallgrand]

I wouldn't go the online dating route if you are feeling so defeated by it before you even go on!!

 

There is a lot of frustration and negative little mini rants in your posts here. Mostly, I won't do this, I won't do that, I don't want this, I don't want that. Try flipping it: I will do this, I want this.

 

Sounds stupid maybe but it makes a difference. You said the issue isn't that you are being rejected by women, but that you are having trouble meeting them. But then you say you mostly work, go home, work, go home. Maybe go the bars once in a while. Your answer is obvious. You have to develop your social life. I'm rather a homebody myself. But online dating, even if you meet someone, is not going to compensate for a social life. If anything, once you meet someone, the two of you are going to want to DO things together. So you may as well get involved in the things it is you want to be doing now.

 

It is the easiest route to meeting someone - activities you enjoy. And it puts you in your best light. You are already having fun or immersed in something where you are happy or contributing. People are less focused on things like height, hair colour, all these silly things we call physical preferences when you are actually talking and engaging with a person face to face at their best. They have a chance to be attracted to your energy, your laugh, all these things.

 

Before you spend the time making a dating profile, I suggest making a list of things you are even a little bit interested in trying that would get you out there. Go wild and don't judge what comes into your head, just write it. Then pick a few things. And make yourself do it.

 

After that, decide if you still want to go online. As a supplement. But don't cut out the getting out of the house more often part. Think of it as a prerequisite to dating.