In your experience how likely is an ex likely to change?

[Person1001]

I left my bf of almost a year because he refused to get his act together, he acted a like a teenager (we both finished college). He never wanted to commit to me although he talked about taking our relationship to the next level, but never made an effort to start saving money, looking for a better job or at least pursuing a career/higher education. He has no ambition or interests. I have been looking for a better job and I'm taking classes to move on to a grad school or another form of higher education. I wait for months for him to set goals for himself (even little ones). He wanted to live today hoping one day everything would come to him and he would know exactly what he wanted to in life (I can you from experience that doesn't happen unless you get off your butt and go looking). When I approached him about that (calmly) he got very upset. At that point I saw that I would never be able to discuss anything w/him w/out him getting upset. I broke it off, that was a big reason, but also I felt like he was getting lazy in our relationship. After I broke it off he made these grand promises about changing, how he will be there to support me through grad school/higher education. This sounded way too good to be true. I do not plan on going back, but if I would, would he ever change? In our relationship I waited for him to make even small changes, but they never happened.

[mhowe]

Not at all likely. Watch his feet, not his lips.

[boltnrun]

If he makes promises and actually takes action, that's one thing. But if he makes promises with the end goal of saying what you want to hear just to get you back but doesn't follow through...well, you can guess how that will end up.

[itsallgrand]

Here is how I see it. He will the make the changes if he truly wants to whether or not you get back with him. If he had some insight from you leaving, about oh, I need to make some changes here, she has some points, he will do it.

 

So you can relax in your decision. You made the right one for you at this time. You went by his actions. That's smart.

[melancholy123]

The best predictor of future behaviour is relevant past behaviour. In simpler words, no he won't change. He'll keep doing what he's been doing. So you did the right thing.

[ParisPaulette]

If he's had a minimum of a one year of therapy and/or major life changing event(s) like religious conversion or near-death experience OR 10 years or more plus of maturing and just starting to get that maybe life doesn't hand out free cookies to jerks--but otherwise, nope. They are still going to be who they were the first time you all broke up.

 

Promises to change, promises one has changed, those are a dime a dozen. Yawn and tell him, 'Actions, not words. Do this, this and this to prove you can actually DO and not just TALK and I'll think about it." Like, okay so he says he's gonna, but where's the "I am." He promises to support you, but does the guy have a job yet? One that he's managed to keep more than a month?

 

If that's the case and you can see him visibly being financially responsible, saving money, going to school or doing things to improve himself--and beyond just a week or two of going through motions to get you back--then you can believe him. Personal experience says most people need to show you they can DO for at least six months for it all not to be a BS ruse though.

 

There is no presto instant "Suddenly I am a changed man/woman with no hard work or breaking of bad habits (or worse)." Life is not an insta-anything no matter what anyone tells you. You did the right thing, keep going.