Letter from the ex

[lajavanaise]

So my ex fiancé broke up with me after I had our baby.

For another woman ... Heard it through the grapevine and I am still hurting ...

 

Anyways after hearing that I went into NC and got myself a lawyer to handle this mess.

I never let him a chance to explain anything since for me there is nothing to explain !!

 

He tried contacting me through my mother several times, how he needed to talk with me to arrange things about the baby (well that's why I got a lawyer, so no need to talk to him)

 

Yesterday he dropped a LONG letter in my mailbox with a pathetic explanation basically blaming me for the break up and how I never appreciated anything he did, but that this new woman appreciates him and blabla, didn't read all of it, it was too long.

 

Just curious, why would he even put time into tying this letter ?

To get rid of his guilt feelings, or is he starting to realize what he's done ?

 

I gave the letter to my lawyer, he needs to leave me alone.

 

Thanks for any help.

[melancholic_too]

He probably feels guilty, he may be trying to sway you to be lenient on him with the lawyer... but really, it doesn't matter. He was selfish, he disrespected you and your relationship, your little family... He didn't even have the guts to tell you he left for another woman, you heard it from someone else... so - you did the right thing, move along and make it known you don't want to be contacted - through the lawyer if you have to for now.

 

You are doing great! I'm very sorry you have to go through this.

[DoF]

You need to communicate with him about your child, and your child ONLY.

 

He is the father and he deserves to be in his child's life (regardless if he went off with another woman or not). DO NOT deny your child their father, every kid needs a father figure!!!

 

Keep your communication limited to CHILD though.....nothing else.

[ntAgainPetunia]

You need to remain LC because of the baby, period. Everything else, however, he's on his own.

 

Writing a letter like that, blaming you on the breakup, shows that he hasn't looked at his own part in the demise of the relationship. He doesn't quite realize what he has done, but he hurts so he's taking it out on you. Best to ignore the letter and anything it said.

 

Focus on you and the baby. I wish the best for you!

[lajavanaise]

You need to communicate with him about your child, and your child ONLY.

 

He is the father and he deserves to be in his child's life (regardless if he went off with another woman or not). DO NOT deny your child their father, every kid needs a father figure!!!

 

Keep your communication limited to CHILD though.....nothing else.

 

 

I never said I am going to deny my daughter her father, like I already wrote, he can contact my mother anytime he wants to make an appointement and stop by to see her, we live at her house now anyway. It doesn't have to be directly through me, I do understand that at one point I ill have to face him since he is going to be in our lives forever now, but just not yet, I need to get over the betrayal and do NC for me.

 

It's not like he seem to care much anyways, last week he didn't even ask to come and see his daughter ... I am not the one to blame.

[Cheetarah]

What an oddball, you know. He dumps you right after you have a child, then writes YOU a letter about what a jerk you are. I never understood this phenomenon, when people act like pompous idiots and it isn't enough, they must rub salt in the wound. It's like the world revolves around them only.

 

I think you have done the right thing in retaining an attorney. And so long as your attorney advises that it is okay to let it all go through mom and you're not denying access, I see nothing wrong with this at all. Yes, eventually(if he's actually going to be a present father) you will have to talk to him. Not about your relationship, not about anything but the child you share. Period. You don't owe him any conversations about your relationship, you don't need to be sent ridiculous letters that have nothing to do with anything pertinent.

 

The letter sounds to me like he is a control freak seeking a reaction from you. He's not being denied access, but he probably resents that it is not going as he prefers to dictate it. Ignore it.

[DoF]

I never said I am going to deny my daughter her father, like I already wrote, he can contact my mother anytime he wants to make an appointement and stop by to see her, we live at her house now anyway. It doesn't have to be directly through me, I do understand that at one point I ill have to face him since he is going to be in our lives forever now, but just not yet, I need to get over the betrayal and do NC for me.

 

It's not like he seem to care much anyways, last week he didn't even ask to come and see his daughter ... I am not the one to blame.

 

I think you need to let go and get over this. Be mature and smart, FOR YOUR CHILD.

 

If you are hostile, tell him "I'm not ready to face you" or show other anger etc, YEAH, he will NOT want to be around YOU, and by not being around you he can't be around his daughter.

 

You can VERY easily be blamed for his distance. I've seen it with PLENTY of men. Woman that is on the verge of craziness/cliff ready to snap at any second.....men that doesn't want to be within 100 foot of that woman.

 

I'm not saying this is you, I'm just saying that you need to move on now and accept that this man is your child's father and create a healthy environment for him to be a father in.

 

You clearly stated you are not ready for that.....yet you are telling me he is free to come anytime. I'm sorry

[Cheetarah]

^ No need to say "I don't want to face you." When he makes a plan to come see your daughter, you can go for a walk or whatever it is you want to do. He is still getting the opportunity to have time with his child. Of course, if life were ideal we'd all have great or at least civil relationships with our child's other parent, but it doesn't often work that way.

 

Who cares if he doesn't want to be around you or vice versa? You've implemented a solution around that. If he wants to see his daughter, he can. There are so many workarounds to this with parents that have far, far more hostile co-parenting relationships than you two do, and the court knows them and often will make recommendations and orders to take full advantage of them. And it works.

 

No, you're not to blame. You would be if you denied access purely because you're jaded about what he did. That would be wrong.

[lajavanaise]

YES, he is free to come by when he gives us a day and hour (my mom isn't his personal doorman for him to pop by whenever he wants) through my mother. He knows I am not present when he comes by to see his daughter.

 

I am sorry, but I NEED to create a healthy environment for him to be a father in ? Really ? After he dumped me and his child when she was only 2 weeks old for some other woman I need to create the perfect invironment for him ? He's barely a father, doesn't even know the feeling since he doesn't even really want to be a father.

 

If he wanted to be a father we would all be together, there were no serious problems between us, he just found another woman more appealing because everything is new now, but the honeymoon stage doesn't last !

 

So it' enough that he can visit when he wants to, but that doesn't mean I need to face him (JUST YET)

[lajavanaise]

The letter sounds to me like he is a control freak seeking a reaction from you. He's not being denied access, but he probably resents that it is not going as he prefers to dictate it. Ignore it.

 

Exactly, when he talked about he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore he was making plans about us staying friends, going to his place with the baby one day, going for a walk all together another day ... Thought he could pop by anytime like when we were in a relationship, he had it all figured out ! I thought it was just a fase and he would come to his senses since we didn't really have big problems, only myself being distant the last months of pregnancy, but I was pregnant for crying out loud !

 

I had to hear through the grapevine he was seeing someone else, so I decided I couldn't face him anymore.

And I am not denying him access to his child that wouldn't be right, but he has no right to claim me.

 

He thought I would stay in his life, he actually didn't even want me to give him back his keys nor the engagement ring, and my stuff is still at his place and he doesn't mention it which is pretty odd too, kinda like he wants to keep a door open just in case ...

[DoF]

YES, he is free to come by when he gives us a day and hour (my mom isn't his personal doorman for him to pop by whenever he wants) through my mother. He knows I am not present when he comes by to see his daughter.

 

He doesn't want to deal with your mother.

 

I am sorry, but I NEED to create a healthy environment for him to be a father in ? Really ? After he dumped me and his child when she was only 2 weeks old for some other woman I need to create the perfect invironment for him ? He's barely a father, doesn't even know the feeling since he doesn't even really want to be a father.

 

Your feelings, you being dumped and all of that is ALL irrelevant now. It's done.

 

If he wanted to be a father we would all be together,

 

Not at all, being a father does NOT require being with a mother.

 

there were no serious problems between us, he just found another woman more appealing because everything is new now, but the honeymoon stage doesn't last !

 

So it' enough that he can visit when he wants to, but that doesn't mean I need to face him (JUST YET)

 

Create a healthy environment for him to be a father and enable him to be part of your child's life.

 

Right now, you are not there. You still have resentment and he knows very well that just coming around = hostile environment. Not the environment he will want to be around, THUS you are disabling him from seeing his child.

 

Mind you, if it was me in his shoes, I would care less about above and still be the best father I can be. But I'm just telling you how most guys are.

[Cheetarah]

Well no, he can still be a father without being with you. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to be one. His actions will show whether or not he desires to be an involved parent.

 

No, you are not disabling him from seeing his child. This is hog freaking wash. He has the opportunity, laj. If he didn't, it would be a different story.

 

It's not up to you to smear on red lipstick, put on an apron and bake him an apple pie upon his arrival. You're leaving the door open for him to have a parent/child relationship. That's all you need to do(provided he isn't some abuser).

[lajavanaise]

Just to be clear, I never said that he can't be a father because he didn't want to be with me, he doesn't want to be a father because he dumped us without any reason and it has been 2 weeks he came to see his daugther. And also because when she was sick and she had to go to the hospital and we rang him he never answered his Phone. That's what doesn't make him a father.

 

Also I don't care if he doesn't want to deal with my mother, he has the opportunity to see his child, that's all I owe him, he can't claim me.

[catfeeder]

I don't agree with any of this. It sounds like browbeating.

 

The guy took off on OP, not the other way around. She owes him nothing but child access, which she's raised no objections to providing.

 

When OP is ready to deal with the guy, she'll do so on her terms as advised by her lawyer.

 

Head high, OP, you're doing great.

[Cheetarah]

Just to be clear, I never said that he can't be a father because he didn't want to be with me, he doesn't want to be a father because he dumped us without any reason and it has been 2 weeks he came to see his daugther. And also because when she was sick and she had to go to the hospital and we rang him he never answered his Phone. That's what doesn't make him a father.

 

Also I don't care if he doesn't want to deal with my mother, he has the opportunity to see his child, that's all I owe him, he can't claim me.

 

I love your attitude and how you don't allow for the blame shift. I wish I had adopted it much sooner than the last year. It makes life so much more bearable. You're going to be just fine.

[lajavanaise]

Thank you,

 

this has been very helpful.

 

Now I found out he posted the exact same letter to my father with an explanation of why he broke up with me ...

Seriously.

[BigKK]

look at that...DoF making points through insinuation and assumptions...how am I not surprised?

 

laja, you are handling this well... extremely well to be honest. You just had a child, hormones all over the place, and now you're dealing with a self-serving doucher. If there was anytime to be "crazy" this is the time, I'm sure a few would give you a free pass. But it sounds like you're a much bigger person.

 

I also completely disagree with DoF, you don't need to be reaching to the father so he see's his daughter. He's scum in my book...and to write a letter to free himself of blame...oh man, how self-serving. In relationships, both people usually share the blame, but to write a long letter to you and family to free himself...ugh...disgusted.

 

 

It's up to you to decide if you made any mistakes and what they are and learn from it, but now put your focus on this new child and healing from the BS he put you through.

[catfeeder]

Thank you,

 

this has been very helpful.

 

Now I found out he posted the exact same letter to my father with an explanation of why he broke up with me ...

Seriously.

 

Ghaaad, he's really digging himself in deep with glory, isn't he?

 

One more thing he'll be embarrassed about someday, and one more demo of why you're better off without him.

 

Give that one to your lawyer, too, along with the envelope and postmark.

 

Head high.

[lajavanaise]

Ghaaad, he's really digging himself in deep with glory, isn't he?

 

One more thing he'll be embarrassed about someday, and one more demo of why you're better off without him.

 

Give that one to your lawyer, too, along with the envelope and postmark.

 

Head high.

 

I did give it to my lawyer. If he expects to get a rise out of me by doing that ... Well too bad for him.

It's ridiculous how he makes everything seem to be my fault while he dumed his babygirl and myself for another woman.

I hope she's worth it, because I wouldn't want to be in his shoes the day he realizes what he has done ...

He actually made a fake instagram account today to try to add me if you can believe it ... When will he stop !

[jobelle]

Exactly!

 

And I am so sorry you're going through this. I hope you can find comfort in your baby.