Can't get over how much I went through with him, and he still ends up with her

[Kaycee]

Some might have read my (age 36) previous post...goes over my 5+yr relationship, and how over the past 1 1/2 years, my boyfriend (age 46) at the time started to cheat off and on with another girl (age 25) and how he recently broke up with me 3wks ago.

 

Back in Feb, after I had found out he had slept with her again, by walking in on them one night as they were having a conversation at his place, and straight out asked her, and she admitted the wk before they had been together. That night there were a lot of talking between the 3 of us...which felt crazy to me, but I think I was so pissed and in shock I didn't know what to do. I know now, in hind sight I should have left that night and never gone back. Instead he asked her to go, and despite her refusing she eventually did, and then he talked to me, and held me all night long.

 

Why I thought our lives would get better from there I was really mislead. Then, a few days before I was leaving to go on a work related trip to London, she sent my boyfriend and me a nice facebook message. Since we have now broken up, due to the fact that I was "facebook" checking up on him and her, is what he said, and 4 days later was at his house at 1am, and over the past few wks I constantly see her car there late at night (I unfortunately live 3 houses down). I just can't stop reading this...and I am so angry at him, for telling me that all she said wasn't true, and angry for her, for sending me this when she did, never letting up in terms of texting, emails, showing up places. I know its his fault...but how can I use this to heal, because right now I read it, and it feels like I let my boyfriend carry on a charade with me...while he was pining the whole time for someone old enough to be his daughter. And in a way I guess I did. But he kept telling me she was crazy, off her meds, blah blah blah. I mean, they have gone to the same church for years...and he knew her when she was a child. He is closer in age to her parents... Any advice to help me move through this...I really need some help. I am tired of just hoping this all implodes on the two of them...that they realize that they built this so much up they cant live up to it. I am so mad he is with her so quick after we split. I am mad she got all she wanted. I am mad, because why would she even want to be with someone who always chose me over her for 1 1/2 years until now. Someone please help...talk me off this ledge. They don't deserve my time...

 

Here is her message...She started it with a nice link to an article...

 

 

robynsregrets.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/10-things-university-couldnt-teach-me

Dimitri and Kim,

 

I must warn you both, this is long. I hope it can help you guys though. What I have written has come from a place of frustration and of being fed up with being dragged into this yet not given any say or importance. Having no one consider what it's doing to me. It is not coming from a place of jealousy (believe me, there is nothing about you two to envy) or of manipulation. I am not hoping that I will convince you guys to break up so I can be with Dimitri. No, I want what is best. I want a change to happen and I want it to be honest. If you two showed any sign of having a shot at a future, I would back off and wish you the best, but I have not seen ONE sign. I do not expect to start a relationship with Dimitri right out of a break up, maybe even ever! Who knows! My point is that I am writing this to try and help and to feel that I have an ounce of control over what I'm getting caught in the middle of. I also feel guilty knowing what I know and not saying anything. You both deserve to know the truth about the relationship you're in.

 

I've told myself for so long that whatever is going on between you two is not my business, but I realize now that I was wrong. The two of you made this my business and now I am in the middle of your mess. Dimitri, you made this my business when you pursued me romantically last year, when you slept with me, when you told me of your feelings for me, when you neglected to tell me Kim was still under the impression that you two were together, and when you let her into your apartment while we were talking so that you could sit there and let me tell her the truth. Kim, you made this my business when you came up there and brought me into your conversation about your relationship with Dimitri, when you asked me if we had slept together, when you asked me my intentions, when you've brought me up many times to Dimitri in reference to your relationship. Yes, this is now, unfortunately, my business. I hope that this message can end my part in this, as long as you both leave me out of it. But since you brought me into this mess, you're going to have to listen to what I have to say.

 

I feel that since I am in the middle of this and know way too much about it, it's not fair to expect me to stay silent with no control over the ridiculousness that goes on between you two. As an outsider to your relationship, I can clearly see that it is over and I feel it's important that I speak up. I also want you to know that everything I say is as true as it was told to me. No one can get out of anything by saying that it was never said. I give you both my word that I am honest and truly concerned.

 

Dimitri, you have been trying to end this relationship for about a year now. When asked the chances that you will end up with Kim, your answer is zero to laughable. You have repeatedly expressed that there is no future. So what are you doing? You are wasting her time! Let her go! Grow some balls and end the relationship instead of trying to trick her into doing it for you. You are wasting your own time too, keeping yourself miserable. She has given you many opportunities to end it.

 

Kim, you are well aware that this person is trying to break up with you, yet you want him to be the one to do it. I completely understand that. He needs to do it because you actually don't want that, so how can you be the one to walk away? But there comes a point where you are just torturing yourself by refusing to be the one to end it. You are staying in a relationship that is causing you so much grief when you could just let it all go and be done with it. It's hard, but it's worth it in the end.

 

Both of you have reason to be the one to end it, but you are acting like children. I know I'm young and inexperienced in long-term relationships, but I know that 5 years isn't very long, especially when 2 years of that were miserable. The average length of a marriage that ends in divorce is 8 years, so that's probably a ten year relationship. Do you two think that you could make it that long? Do you think you could make it forever? Throwing it away after 5 years isn't that big of a deal…it's actually a smart decision to end it this soon, before it gets worse…which it will. You can barely get through a month together. And what about children?! It's not fair to subject an innocent human being to this mess. There is no trust! Dimitri, you have lied and cheated on her multiple times…how is that going to work? You think about me when you're together, when we're together, you do not miss her. Why is it so hard to let go? And Kim, why would you ever want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? That sounds terrible! You deserve someone who adores you and everything you do. How can you stay with him, knowing he's most likely thinking about me at any given moment? No, I am not making this up. It was told to me as fact.

 

You both think things are great when I am not there. When I was traveling, you were ok. Although, I believe I was told there was no trust in the relationship and that Dimitri was "on a tight leash". I don't see how that is 'working', but, whatever. Here's the thing you both need to accept: I am not going anywhere. I am not quitting the choir, I'm not moving away, Portsmouth will always be my home. No matter where I go, my roots are here. I exist. If your relationship cannot exist while I exist, then it cannot exist. Dimitri, I know when I came home, you were so happy to see me. When I came back, everything went to for you two. My point here is not to break you two up so that I can swoop in and get what I want. No, that is not how it works. Whatever happens between Dimitri and I is another story. This is about how your relationship is starting to affect my own life. If you think it will work, Dimitri, you need to find a way to not be attracted to me, because I'm not disappearing. Do you think you can do that?

 

 

Dimitri, you won't let me go. You won't take me off the table, you always give me a reason to believe that there's something worth staying for. You tell me often how much I mean to you, how great we would be together, how you think about me all the time. How can you expect me to just walk away? I know you want to be with me, I know you think about me all the time, I know how you feel about me. How can I just ignore that we both feel the same way? I can't move on because you still consider me as someone you want to be with. You are keeping me on a hook and you won't admit it. You are. Until you decide that this isn't worth a try and that you are not interested in me and then tell me that, you are keeping me on a hook. I can't open up to someone, I am emotionally unavailable. I can't love another person when all I think about is you. Maybe there is someone that I would love more than you out there that I have yet to meet. And maybe that person is you and I will never meet someone I connect with more. Maybe it's you. Will we ever know that? Well, that's up to you. I'm stuck here watching you two waste everyones time!

 

There's always an excuse too! Surgery, more surgery, ride to the airport, don't want to ruin her trip, blah blah blah. Kim has friends and family that aren't you. She can get the help she needs elsewhere. She said it herself…I was right there. Have you heard of Park and Ride? It's this new innovative thing where you drive to the bus station, park your car, and ride to the airport. I know, it's revolutionary! And her trip? You think she's going to have fun always worrying that you are sleeping with someone else while she is in London? It sounds like the trip is already ruined. She doesn't trust you at all!!! Helloooo!!!!! And I never knowingly cheated with Dimitri, but I am finding it very hard to have any respect for this relationship or consider it to be so…and that scares me. How can I know that I won't end up doing something wrong when alcohol is involved and I can barely recognize what you two have as a relationship? And when we all know Dimitri is capable of cheating. I don't know. I honestly think that trip would be much more enjoyable without worrying about Dimitri, and discovering freedom by being released from a toxic relationship. Distance is the best way to start a break, I know that from experience.

 

And since that night we all chatted, I've been ignored, like I no longer matter? Dimitri, you got two women into this, you owe us both something, not just one. Yes, I am still allowed to spend time with Dimitri and talk and whatever, because nothing has ended here. Nothing has been solved. You two are not committed to each other, because I was there. Since your last "break up" has there been a recommitment on Dimitri's part? No. He slept with me. So I can't be brushed aside as if I'm some piece of mistress. I am a human being who deserves respect. So no, I am not going to stop seeing Dimitri until this is all figured out. As far as I've been told, there is no commitment to speak of.

 

You have both expressed that I am a better match for Dimitri. How can you two sit around and say things like that and just continue on as if it's not over? I just don't get it! Meanwhile, no one even considers that I might be affected here! Do you think it makes me feel good to know that you are discussing how I am better for Dimitri, yet I'm alone and constantly the after thought? Do either of you have any consideration for the lives you are affecting by letting your egos take over? Do you realize that just because I don't cry while you two sit there and bring me into your issues doesn't mean I don't cry? I do. Unfortunately, it's happened a lot lately. And I get physically sick from anxiety thinking that this will continue in this way or thinking that I might miss out on a great relationship for no reason.

 

You two still care about each other, but that does not mean you are a good couple. I care about a lot of people, my friends, my siblings, my parents, but that doesn't mean we should be a couple. Still caring about each other is not a sign that you should stay together…you will never not care about each other, ever. You were once in love (I assume) and therefore, will always care. But I don't think you are in love anymore. You don't excite each other. Think of your passion. What defines the way you see the world. Now, does the other understand that? Dimitri, for you it is music. Does Kim understand how that defines the way you see things? I know I have a hard time connecting with people who doesn't understand my passion for music, but maybe that's just me. You don't miss each other when you are apart. You have break up talks more than anyone I've ever known. Yes, you care about each other, but that means it's time to let go and realize that the love isn't what it was. Why do you keep ending up back together? Well, it's not because it's meant to be, it is most likely because you are too afraid to leave your comfort zones. Life happens outside of your comfort zone! You keep ending up back together because of a weakness inside the both of you. Not fate. Not mercury in retrograde. I respect the effort you both put in to trying to save the relationship, but you need to know when you've passed the point of no return.

 

Dimitri, you are a part of this relationship. It is not all about Kim and what she wants. You have needs too and they deserve to be respected. You need to acknowledge your own needs and feelings instead of pushing them aside because you don't think they are as important as Kim's. She is not as fragile as you think! I know I don't know Kim very well, but from that really fun night where we were all talking, she seemed to be a pretty reasonable person. She seems to have her life together. YOU are not what is keeping her life together, she's got that under control. If you need a break, you fight for that! If that's the only way you can make a fair decision, do it! If Kim says no, no break, we have to break up, then Kim, break up with him! He wants a break to make sure his decision is right, if you want to deny that, you break up with him, not the other way around. There are two of you in this thing and neither of you is more important than the other. Kim shows her emotions, she cries, that doesn't mean her feelings are more important. It means that she has the ability to express her emotions and open herself up to you. You don't have that ability, but you still have feelings and opinions and desires and needs. You both need to consider your own needs and then the needs of the other. There are two people in this relationship. Luckily, I am not one of them.

 

By never putting any importance on your own feelings when you two are together, you end up hurting Kim even more. You never expressed to her that you wanted to break up. You know what did happen? You ended up sleeping with me…more than once, behind her back. Now THAT hurt her. You try to break up by not coming right out with the words because you don't want to hurt her feelings. You want her to get it and break up with you. You wait and you wait. Meanwhile, your needs aren't getting met, because you don't care enough about them and you end up doing whatever you want anyways, hurting her. And then continuing to drag it out so that the hurt goes on for months. If you had just done what you wanted to do with a straightforwardness, you would have saved Kim a lot of hurt. Yes, breaking up is hard, but she would get over it, over time she would see that it's better that way and appreciate your honesty. But having someone constantly trying to convince you to leave them and constantly lying and cheating and breaking their heart, is a far more slow and painful process than breaking up. You are breaking her heart every other day. And I won't get into what your doing to me! Just be honest and everyone gets hurt less.

 

Kim, I know you feel that you owe Dimitri for helping you through your own rough patch. Now this is his rough patch. But how do you think you are going to help him? The only thing that he can think of that will make him happier is to end your relationship. That will make him happier. Other than that, he needs therapy. You can't help someone who won't help themselves. If you want to help him through this miserable time, let him go. You don't deserve to be brought down with him either. Relationships are not games. Nobody owes the other anything. Relationships are two people sharing their lives and themselves without competition or jealousy or ownership. They are about two people who brighten up each others days, make each other happy, make the stressful times in life so much easier. Relationships are not hard work. If it is the right relationship, it should be easy. It should be the thing in your life that makes you forget all the hard work in other parts of your life. It should lower your stress and remind you of happiness. It should not be a constant battle of tears and breakups and insecurities and the same talk over and over and a MAJOR source of stress. Yes, you two are stressing each other out big time.

 

Now, you two can either keep at this for the rest of your lives and die in misery (sorry Dimitri, life really isn't that long), or you can accept that it's over and move on with your lives. There is no scenario in which you two can have a happy future together, I'm sorry but it's obvious. I hate to sound harsh, because I like you both. Kim, I don't know you very well, but I do like you and I think you're a good person who deserves a happy relationship. I like you two and that is why I want you to see how miserable you are making yourselves. And if this message results in Dimitri having no interest in me, well that's ok too, because this is not about getting Dimitri. This is about ending a stagnant situation that is stressing the three of us out. I would rather be flat out rejected by Dimitri than be in this place. If I thought you wanted nothing to do with me or didn't like me so much, I would move on, happily. But that is not the case, so I am stuck with you two.

 

And if expressing myself honestly and truly and attempting to end the stagnant nature of this whole thing causes you to lose respect for me, then I honestly don't need your respect. I know that allowing yourself to be vulnerable and opening yourself up is a huge sign of strength and if you see that as a weakness, that is your problem to work out. I know who I am and I know that I am strong, so consider your own ability to be honest before you shoot me down. Look at the way you've treated me this past year and ask yourself if you are respectable. Because your idea of respect doesn't mean much to me right now. It is very hard for me to be vulnerable and express my feelings, but I do it because it's the only way to live. I do not need you, Dimitri. I would love to have you in my life and believe that my life is better with you in it, but I do not need you to survive or to validate myself. I am an independent person who wants to be with you. Because you make me feel more alive. You make me happy whenever I'm near you. I can't even explain the connection we have, but it is strong and so worth sticking around for. I feel like we can communicate without talking, I feel like we understand something in each other that cannot be put into words. You make me feel at home. I do not want to throw that away, but if me expressing myself to you and Kim is enough for you to lose all respect for me and write me off completely, well, you are missing out on something that could be great just because you mistake strength for desperation. I think you will really regret it if you never give this a shot, but maybe you're also scared because you know that it could be really great. Stop living in fear. Take me or leave me. Don't wait for the universe to create your future, that's not how life works. Life is the sum of our own decisions. Like I said, I do not need you. I do not need anyone. But you are the person I choose. Just understand that if you drive me to the point where I find a way to let go of you without you also doing that, I'm not coming back. Getting over you is not fun, I don't want to do it again. So please don't come back to me down the road if I've let you go. If I do, it will be a long and hard process, and it can only be done with the knowledge that this is it. I'm not threatening you, I'm letting you know what I can handle. I can't handle going through all that just to have you decide you want to be with me after. That is not fair. I don't know if I will ever reach a point where I am able to just forget about you, knowing you still have feelings for me, but if it happens, I will be glad for it and hope that you respect that.

 

 

Also I must mention that I'm sure there is a ton of stuff I don't know. Of course there is! But is comfort and routine and ruts and knowing the other person means well, a reason to stick around? I don't know how you 'function together', but living in your own little world free of outsiders or socializing doesn't sound like the way you 'function together' is very healthy. It sounds to me like the bad outweigh the good, that despite being comfortable together, the passion isn't there, the desire to move forward together isn't there, the passion for life and new experiences has left you both at too young an age. You feel you owe each other. You feel sorry for each other. That's not what a healthy relationship is about. If I got any hint that you wanted to be together forever, I would say good luck to you both, someone should be happy. But I do not see that. This is what I see and it's hard to watch. Especially from my point of view. It's not fun knowing that I'm going to get blown off all the time and have to go a week never seeing Dimitri because he's too busy being miserable and living a life he doesn't want. Knowing that the person I want to be with is out there with someone else trying to figure out how to end it and wishing he were with me. Knowing that I'll never get a chance. It sucks.

 

This relationship is not going to last. I think we all know that. It's time to accept it and move on. Not like the other times you've "broken up" and then slid right back into the routine of Dimitri and Kim World. It's time to make it official and finally move on to bigger and better things. Throw parties! Date different kinds of people! Do something you never would have done before! Travel! Take a chance on the endless possibilities of the future! Don't you wonder if there's something bigger out there for both of you? Something passionate that makes you feel like the best version of yourself? Something that makes you excited to wake up every morning knowing that it's another day to be with that person? Do you really think this is all that the universe has for you? Because you are both special and worth finding the right person to make you feel amazing everyday. Kim, you are smart and successful and so loyal and loving. You deserve someone with the same loyalty and who respects all that you are. Dimitri, you are so talented and lovable, intelligent and…well…weird! You deserve someone who will understand you and your weirdness, who will celebrate all that you are that most don't understand and who will feed your thirst for interesting conversations and theories of life. Do you think that doesn't exist for either of you? Do you think this is the best you can do? A life of lots of hard work going into something that is supposed to enliven you and free you of stress? You've both said all that needs to be said over and over. Nothing is coming of any of it. Now is the time. All there is left to do is say the words. But the real question is: who is going to be the one to step up and get the guts to end it for good? And how long will it take someone to get the courage? You both have reason to be the one, you both know it's going to happen soon, you both have a chance to stop the misery. Who's it going to be?

 

And with that, I remove myself from this situation. I was brought into it and I have said my part. Now it's back on you two. Yes, I will still be affected by this, but it can no longer be about me. Only the idea of me. For example: is it ok that someone has fallen for another in the relationship? What does that say about the relationship? There. Nothing to do with Stephanie! Just a concept! Dimitri cannot leave Kim for Stephanie, because I am not the problem. Dimitri, you have felt this way before I ever became a part of it. You can break up and not date me, whatever! That's your decision, but let's just be clear that this is not a choice between two women, it's a choice between two people about the worthiness of their relationship. And I'll take this opportunity to clear my name that has been dragged through the mud a bit. I am not crazy, I do not cheat, I would never want to hurt you Kim, I am not, nor have I ever been on drugs, I do not show up where I am unwanted, I was pursued by Dimitri, not the other way around, I am not promiscuous, I've slept with 4 men in my life. FOUR MEN. I am not frivolous and am indeed serious about my feelings for Dimitri, I don't care what society thinks about age and . I am not OBSESSED with Dimitri. Despite what he will admit, he has told me that he is in love with me. I remember Dimitri, sorry! I never forced Dimitri to do anything with me, I was invited. I know you must think some weird things about me because I can only assume the way you were portrayed to me is the way I was portrayed to you. Yes, Kim, you were made to look a bit crazy to me. I did think you were randomly showing up places, that you were a bit delusional and clingy. I know that's not true and I know you are not crazy, I hope you can see that much about me too. If not, that's ok. I know you may never like me, and this message will probably piss you off, but I am truly a good person and mean no harm by this. I really have just felt guilty being silently on the side watching this train wreck. So I thank you both in advance for keeping me out of it from now on, unless you want to hear what I have to say again!

[greta96]

I will admit I only read about a quarter of her message, because I think it would be a massive waste of my time to read the whole thing, that's how idiotic I think it sounds. It is clearly written by a desperate woman who thinks she's all that, when in reality she is nothing but an ignorant, nutty $hit disturber.

I sympathize with you, I understand how much this hurts. But really, Dimitri deserves everything he has coming to him. He cheated on you, and now he will live to regret it, because this woman sounds like a real piece of work. You can do so much better than him, you have no idea!

 

Block them both out of your life, try to stay away from having any kind of contact with them, including not looking at their social media... they are scum, both of them. Don't worry, karma will most definitely take care of them, by the sounds of it. Be glad they are together, so they can make each other miserable!

[Clinton]

You want to move on. Keep them out of your life, it's that simple. There's no happy ending here, it's done for good. Accept it and move forward. Keeping yourself informed about what's going on will just retard your healing.

 

It's on you now to do whats best for you. If you don't, well that's your fault.

[chitown9]

My take on this is that her email was manipulative. She does want your boyfriend and she is trying to force his hand. He, in the meantime, has had the best of both words; two women fighting over him. Your boyfriend may like this dynamic, and if that is the case, he will simply repeat the process with another woman. It is your call if you want to continue with this. It should not be like this if two people are in love and committed to one another. chi

[ParisPaulette]

Dear lord, can I be blunt? Dimitri and this woman deserve each other. She's going to make his life a living H and one day you will be able to look back and laugh and when he tries to come crawling back you can simply point and laugh at him and say, "I don't think so honey, you made your bed, you lie in it. I'm out."

 

And then you block him again, because "Dimitri" is just as much part of the problem as this woman is. Please block these two very insane individuals from your life. They are both absolutely bonkers.

 

If you ever get free of this little dramafest weird need they have for triangle dramas involving other people, and get space between the two of them and yourself, like an ocean or at least the next state would be a good start, you're going to see how totally crap both of them are and how totally crap they've been to you.

 

I hope you choose to get entirely free and never look back.

[JustWishing]

I think she sounds pretty smart for an only 25 year old and in a lot of things she says she basically just expresses her own position in this. Also I think that with some of the things she says, she is Dead On! Other things, she assumes and repeats herself. She is torn as well between her feelings for him and the actual intend to not be a part of this anymore. That only makes her human as much as you are Kaycee. And yes I read all of it and your last thread. I believe that what she says about what he tells her is truth. She has no reason to make it up as she has insight in the whole situation.

 

but am I crazy to think that he has just been waiting for the chance for when I messed up, so he could be with her, and not be the "bad guy" in this.

 

No you are not crazy for thinking this. This is exactly what happened. With blaming you for your Facebook action he justified his own guilty self. In his mind it makes him feel better to shift all the blame on you. But please don't fall for that. It is not your fault. It is just his ego stroking, cheating, guilty self who tries to make himself feel like "the hero" even so he knows that he is about as guilty as they get.

 

Now Kaycee, with the above said. Please get yourself out of this mess. It doesn't matter what he says, it doesn't matter what she says. You deserve better. You deserve to be in a relationship you are loved in. A relationship with a sincere basis of trust is so much easier and better and happier to be in than you can ever imagine, because you do not have this relationship. Don't limit yourself and block the chance of being happy by staying with this douche, because seriously this is all he is. A douche. Finish it once and for all, go no contact and move on. This is the best thing you can do....you owe this to yourself!

[itsallgrand]

I didn't read the entire message of the other woman's either. I read some, and skimmed to get the idea.

 

I'm really sorry you are hurting. You are going to look back on this, I promise you, with gratitude that you got out. Of course you are angry angry angry and a lot of other emotions now. It's finally over.

And that's hard. Really hard.

 

But look, you know already in your heart this man is not a good man. He cheated on you, he lied, he's been playing two women like violins and getting double sex and cat fights over him for how long now? This is a guy who swooped in on a person who saw him as an older male figure in her church growing up. The level of scum baggery there astounds me. And she seems to honestly believe he loves her; that's just delusional, and that makes my heart hurt for her, because man is she going to suffer for needing to believe that over having the guts to see the truth.

 

Having compassion for her would be to your advantage. You two actually share a lot. You both have believed his lies. You both have stuck around with him when you knew what he is, and what he is capable of. You both have degraded yourself for this loser. You both have been hurt, deeply and honestly used and been hurt by this person.

 

So she's not ready to step up, she's still in the thick of it, she's stuck with him now. What prize has she won? She may have gotten what she thinks she wanted (and you think you want to, which is him), but take a good look here....is that what you would want for anybody you care about? Being 'chosen' by a lying, cheating, creep?!

 

The real work yeah is in being by yourself and dealing with this damage that has been done to yourself, and yes, some of it was by your own choice. That is going to hurt like hell to realize too. But it's good. It's good...it's real, and it's half way out of the denial you have been in about who he is and what kind of life you have been living.

 

He has been telling you both the other is crazy. That's just part of a cheaters game. Keep both of them distracted from seeing the truth. You arent crazy and she isnt crazy either. He is - he is a stone cold creep.

 

Stay away from people like him and others who hang around in their orbit in denial, because those people will do crazy things. You know..you have done some yourself. Well, that's where she is at. Have compassion for her...but stay the hell away. Physically, emotionally, socially....detached completely.

 

You can control it. You can move - it's not crazy, it would be a healthy step away from yuor old life. You can block them from all social media. You can find a way to move on.

 

But you have to be willing to look at the way things really are. The way you write, it makes me believe you still think he is a person capable of actually loving - one or the other of you. He isn't. He is about himself....

[SooSad33]

Wow! That chic really has a lot to say... ugh

 

Honestly.. the best thing for YOU to do now is walk away and have NOTHING more to do with either of them.

I hope you didn't respond to this crap she said.

 

I know you're hurt.. angry etc. But as mentioned, he has led you on now for long enough.

Time to end it all!

 

for your own peace of mind & sanity.. poor you

 

Niether of them deserve any more of your attention or effort.

 

Walk away with your own self worth now and start working on YOU. On accepting & healing from HIS selfishness.

 

Sorry you've had to go thru this kind of crap... not fair.

 

Yes, they will most likely not end up together for long. Someday he may eventually come to his senses.. but it has to happen naturally. Then he can lay in the bed he made.. alone.

Nothing more you can do about it.

 

Time to TC of you now. You DO deserve much better.

[Kaycee]

Thanks for the responses so far. I can not tell you how much I need to hear what you are all telling. A part of me knows, I don't want him back. I have not spoken to him for 2 1/2 wks, and I continue to have NC. I have unfriended him on facebook and blocked them both. I have good days where I feel like I know I am better off, that I was so unhappy feeling like I was competing for someone to love me. I have other days when I miss him, or probably more, just miss being with someone I felt connected to. I am working on accepting my part in all this as well. I certainly let it go on way too long, and found myself doing whatever I thought I could to make him happy. Instead I gave him all the power in the world knowing that I wouldn't even leave him if he cheated and lied to me. I continue to try to remind myself of all the bad moments, the deceit, him getting angry with me, him telling me he wasn't sure if he could see a future for us anymore, yet when I asked him if he wanted to end things, he would say no. And I believed him because I wanted to believe him. I wanted him to still be the guy I fell in love with, who claimed he told his mother he felt I was the one he could marry. I should have known with his history of cheating on I think all his previous relationships...why would it be different with me. Yet he was so honest about it, about how he had changed, about how when things got a little rough for us when I was working more, he said that he would have typically left and cheated. So I guess I started to believe and open up more to him. I fell for it... So for that reason, I do feel bad for her in a way. Despite the fact that part of me is so angry at her too. But how can I fault her for falling for exactly what he gave me in the beginning...he can make you feel like the most special person in the world, and that you are the key to making him a better man and bringing him happiness...

 

Regardless, I appreciate the honest opinions, and welcome more. Like I said...it is going to be your words that help me continue to be strong through this and ultimately move forward altogether.

[iknowhowtolove]

Oh gosh I couldn't even finish reading everything she wrote. That girl wants to pretend like she's so mature but she's definitely not. She is just as guilty as he is. Get away from those people. I know that it must hurt a lot but he is not worth it. You deserve so much better. I don't think they will end up happy anyway. You can do so much better.

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't have made it to the point of ever receiving her message, muchless reading it, because my tolerance for any man who'd position me in this mess would be a fat zero.

 

While it makes no sense to bemoan the mistake of not ditching this guy sooner, you can decide to stop wasting your energies on him and move forward. Consider the time you spent in early years as gaining what you needed at the time, and all the rest was just about stockpiling experience to teach yourself NOW what must be learned in order to grow confident in your own judgment in future relationships.

 

If you consider it all tuition, then you haven't lost anything. If you keep your focus on this man, then you're wasting your opportunity to learn that you are worth far more than a disloyal person could ever offer.

 

Head high, you can do this.