WithLove Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 You can't expect to have the same luck your friend did. I would be really surprised if she and her husband don't deal with some hang-ups from her last relationship that you just don't know about. If you've been in a relationship since you were 18, it's sounding to me like you get dependent upon a significant other and you're finding it difficult to be alone. Not being judgmental or mean, although I sort of feel like you're going to take it that way. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Apart from a message saying he got home, I didn't hear from him. That doesn't make him psychotic...it makes him uninterested. He enjoyed the day and made zero plans to follow up. Link to comment
Hazyillusions Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Even if you were on and off, 9 years is more than 3000 days. And you wanted to move on in 21. That's really codependent, it's okay not having somebody there. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Secondly people move on at different paces. It might take some people 1 year to move on it might take others more/less. Yes they do and yes it might. However I don't think I've ever heard, or known, of anyone sanely moving on in just 3 weeks after what they themselves described as a "traumatic" break-up. Surely, at 3 weeks, you would still be suffering the trauma! Some people might rebound or make emotionally-charged irrational decisions in that space of time .... but move on happily and confidently? ... No way! It isn't physically possible. Link to comment
MissingKay Posted October 5, 2015 Author Share Posted October 5, 2015 Lol it doesn't matter what I say, it'll be turned against me. No, he's not psychotic, it's absolutely fine to behave this way and treat other people like objects for our disposal. I'm the crazy one for thinking there's something wrong with that. 2 points: 1. I'm not expecting the same luck as my best friend, I didn't say I was. I was making the point that it's not uncommon to move on quickly. 2. I didn't say there's anything wrong with being alone. During the offs with the ex I always remained single. I get that I over did it here due to naivety/ignorance and took things personal BUT this was the FIRST OLD experience I've had...EVER and the first time dating pretty much since 18. Cut me some slack guys...thank you to those of you who have! Link to comment
Hazyillusions Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 He didn't lead you on. He thought you looked ok, and you guys got along so you chatted for a month. But when he met you and spent time with you he realised he wasn't interested. His actions after are standard, the blocking was cowardly but you should have gotten the message when he didn't message you back. The way you behaved WAS over the top. I cringed when I got to the part you confronted him (the first time lol). But it's okay, at least you learnt never to do this again haha. Don't take things so personally. He didn't feel the chemistry, that's just life I guess? Head forwards, and next time don't behave the same way. Don't hound them Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 He wasn't interested after the date. Sending pictures didn't require a response. Blocking you was as clear as day that he was out of the game. Your confronting him simply underscored that you were not the woman for him. Agreed. Your only wrongdoing here was the fact that you sent an "enraged email", then sent yet another email, then a couple of days later you sent yet another "short message to confront him" etc. All of this makes for crazy and chased him away even more. Instead of reading the writing in the wall - him blocking you right after a first date, which indicates not interested, you should have simply moved on. Instead you bombarded him with all sorts of angry emails. Big no-no. Link to comment
MissingKay Posted October 6, 2015 Author Share Posted October 6, 2015 He didn't lead you on. He thought you looked ok, and you guys got along so you chatted for a month. But when he met you and spent time with you he realised he wasn't interested. His actions after are standard, the blocking was cowardly but you should have gotten the message when he didn't message you back. The way you behaved WAS over the top. I cringed when I got to the part you confronted him (the first time lol). But it's okay, at least you learnt never to do this again haha. Don't take things so personally. He didn't feel the chemistry, that's just life I guess? Head forwards, and next time don't behave the same way. Don't hound them I take it you didn't read the my last post before responding? You have made your point...that is the same as your last. The lols and cringe comments are uncalled for and not helpful. "I get that I over did it here due to naivety/ignorance and took things personal BUT this was the FIRST OLD experience I've had...EVER and the first time dating pretty much since 18. Cut me some slack guys...thank you to those of you who have!" Link to comment
Hazyillusions Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 ^ I did actually read it. No need to be defensive. Just didn't like how you made yourself the victim and him the bad guy when he didn't lead you on or treat you like an object. Link to comment
notalady Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 I take it you didn't read the my last post before responding? You have made your point...that is the same as your last. The lols and cringe comments are uncalled for and not helpful. "I get that I over did it here due to naivety/ignorance and took things personal BUT this was the FIRST OLD experience I've had...EVER and the first time dating pretty much since 18. Cut me some slack guys...thank you to those of you who have!" I think you need to step outside of your point of view, stop taking things so personally and look at it objectively. There need not be a right and a wrong person or a good guy and a bad guy. I absolutely do not think either of you is in the wrong. He thinks it's ok to just stop communicating with someone who he has been on only 1 date with, since he is no longer interested in pursuing anything more and see no need to have a "confrontation" with a practical stranger. Most people who have dated for a while know that no asking for a second date means they're not interested and would just let it go. You of course have your right to want a dignified rejection, and you prefer that to simply fading out, but do understand that a lot of people do not want that, a simply lack of asking out for a second date would've been preferred than an actual direct rejection. I for one don't mind the fade out if its just been one date, I don't need to hear an outright rejection from a stranger. So do understand that people have different points of views and it doesn't make them bad guys or wrong. It's good that you acknowledge that you are new to dating in general. I would say though, that the fade out is not exclusive to OLD, so I would give up the "this is my first time OLD" mentality. Otherwise you'll face more disappointments in the future should a guy you meet in real life pull the same/similar trick. I won't rehash what everyone already said about your approach, as you already recognise that you overdid it. The important thing is learn from your experience and do things better next time. Link to comment
notalady Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 I don't want to psychoanalysis you but I feel that deep down you are more angry at yourself for putting yourself out there with this guy and got nothing in return (ie having invested all that time and emotion in him to start with, sending the follow up photos, sending yet another message when you realise you've been blocked, and messaging yet again when you found out he had lied about getting off online dating), rather than angry at him or his behaviour. I would've felt humiliated too if I had put myself out there time and again and got rejected each time, implicitly or explicitly. The key here is to recognise that it's not him, it's you, in that you had put yourself in that position. And it's an easy fix, by changing your own mentality and behaviour. Because you can't change how others behave, but you can change how you behave. Link to comment
MissingKay Posted October 6, 2015 Author Share Posted October 6, 2015 ^ I did actually read it. No need to be defensive. Just didn't like how you made yourself the victim and him the bad guy when he didn't lead you on or treat you like an object. So calling me psychotic, laughing at my situation and calling me cringe makes me less of a victim and him a good guy? Anyway, that was 1 date, a week ago. I had questions about it as I didn't know what I was doing, I got some good advice I got some unhelpful comments. I've learnt a lot about OLD in this short time. In 1 week I've experienced ghosting and meeting someone who looks nothing like their pictures online. I conclude OLD is not for me. Link to comment
MissingKay Posted October 6, 2015 Author Share Posted October 6, 2015 Thanks notlady. That's helpful. I said this is the first time dating as some of the comments were quite negative when I accept I didn't know what I was doing. This was new to me. I didn't say it to excuse my behaviour. I get and will accept that what's okay to some people isn't okay for others and I guess I should'nt have forced my way of doing things on him, I get that. Also it wasn't just the first date, it was the 4 weeks daily loooooooooog messages (the guy used to write essays). I guess what was disappointing is that he didn't turn out to be who he had presented himself to be in his emails and on the date. That's what was confusing and disappointing. I don't have a problem putting myself out there as its expected when dating. Link to comment
MissingKay Posted October 6, 2015 Author Share Posted October 6, 2015 Ps. Apparently I was blocked because I was talking to other guys online. Link to comment
Hazyillusions Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Think what you want. O_O Hope you aren't this defensive in relationships. It's really counterproductive. Link to comment
Hazyillusions Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Oh just before you reply back, don't bother. I was never laughing at you or ridiculing you. Best of luck with future dates. Link to comment
missmarple Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Ps. Apparently I was blocked because I was talking to other guys online. Did he tell you that?? Link to comment
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