It's not OK for my ex to do this!

[Trammel]

So, quick history - A year and a half ago I broke up with my ex after 15 years together. It was relatively mutual and relatively amicable. I still see her practically every day because we have kids. Now we are both already seeing other people. She is somebody that rarely gets angry. It would always freak me out, because I'd rather someone get angry with me and tell me to my face than make me try to guess what's wrong (which I am so not good at). Now it seems she's finally getting angry about all of these things from the past. She says that she is realizing how I treated her badly, when at the time she didn't realize it or thought it was just "how I was" and accepted it. Now she feels stupid.

I understand where she's coming from, and I agree that in certain cases she is right, I did treat her badly. But we're broken up. I told her that because we're broken up I don't have to listen to this anymore. I have bad anxiety and when she brings these things up, even though they are in the past, I get really upset. I know I should be able to not worry about it, because it's in the past, but that's impossible for me.

I told her if she's realizing things now about the past, etc. she should be dealing with it on her own (or talking to her new partner - I told her I don't mind if she talks to her partner about me, even saying bad things.) She should not be stressing me out about this stuff now that it's over, right? I told her I think the only right she has to yell at me/criticize me is in relation to my behavior with the kids.

Am I right? Because she completely disagrees with me and this is really stressing me out.

[BigKK]

of course, you're right. Tell her you're not her therapist and you don't want to hear it and that you'll be keeping talks with her only about the kids.

[Dottieflanogon]

I think its normal to hash over the full story when a relationship ends and to process it all. However, she shouldn't hold on into hate and resentment .Just tell her that you would rather keep piece between you for the sake of children.Your communication with her should be limited to children only

[Lucia Amman]

I wish i could drop all the stuff my ex's did wrong at their feet and them showing remorse. But i know it has no use and I keep those things to myself, I work it out by myself or if I need to talk to a friend about it and hear her thoughts.

 

Your ex is doing it wrong. I wouldnt tell her she has no right to do this. But she isn't getting any reconciliation out of this method for her. She should seek professional help or otherwise from friends to vent to them.

 

Maybe she is trying to let you see what you did wrong so you wont mess up your next relationship. And that of your children. I often feel that I should tell my ex how to react to certain things because these are still issues we have to deal with because of our kids. And to keep a healthy relationship with our kids he should sometimes switch his attitude or behaviour. But I know this is of no use. When we still were a family I always tried to shush their fights between dad and the kids. But I'm no longer around so they need to find their own ways. Its a learning curve for sure. Hope your ex finds her way through it too.

 

Btw a new relationship for me also opened up my pothole of things that went wrong in my former relationship. Its a sign of grieve and remorse from your ex. Look at it this way: she is sorry that things didn't work out and you're no longer a family. Thats what I felt at least.

[RainyCoast]

remind her your only contact is about the kids. her agreement/blessing to stick to impersonal short convos about the kids is not needed. she can either accept that or have the receiver/door slammed when she starts arguing.

 

 

do you have a legal arrangement regading children's visitation? it's the couples with informal arrangements that seem to be having these problems the most.

 

 

rewind in your head to troubleshoot for instances where she does that- how is it made possible for her to start and continue this conversation? over the phone? put the phone down. at your place picking up the kids? have them ready and waiting so they're out the door with her the moment she arrives. when you're dropping them off, say goodbye, hug and kiss in the car, not on the doorstep where she can attack.

 

train the dragon mate.

[Jeffbobo]

I've been dealing with this kind of thing for over four years so I can relate.

 

First, let me say that the concept of an amicable divorce is a joke and a rare exception. The past is the past and their is absolutely nothing you can do about it other than to reflect and learn from it so as not to repeat it. it is not her place to tell you how you went wrong at all. The time for that has long expired and those are things that should have been brought up when they really mattered, not now. It's awesome that you recognize your part in the failure of your marriage. That's a powerful tool.

 

All that being said, this doesn't just magically go away but there are things you can do to minimize it and it really broild down to as little contact as possible. So that means:

 

1. An in stone schedule with the kids. Who picks up and who drops off. There is absolutely no reason you need to see your ex for this at all. None. You are 100% responsible for them when they're with you and vice versa.

2. Communication only by email. Reserve phone and texts for dire emergency situations with the kids. Ignore anything in emails that doesn't pertain to the kids or business. My ex likes to sprinkle past crap in with business. Here is where you use your skill of selective hearing and ignore it.

[fitgirl]

I've very glad that my ex husband, the father of my daughter, doesn't pull this crap. If he did, it would be shut down very quickly. You just have to be firm with her and insist that your relationship only extends to the well-being and lives of the kids. Period. Any hurt she feels should be vented through some other outlet. It's not healthy for her to be treating you like this.

 

By listening to her, you are just encouraging it, especially if you get really upset and down on yourself. You made mistakes. She made mistakes. It's how relationships go and rehashing it a year and a half later does no one any good.