He's going back to his old ways

[boltnrun]

You keep asking if you should tell him you're breaking up, and we keep telling you it's not necessary.

 

Do you want to tell him because you're hoping he'll beg you for another chance?

[Butterflyxx]

No I don't want that, I just feel like I have to explain myself to him if we were to stop talking again.

[notalady]

No I don't want that, I just feel like I have to explain myself to him if we were to stop talking again.

 

Why do you feel like you have to explain yourself? You guys are broken up, you don't owe him an explanation. If he contacts you, just tell him you don't wish to keep in touch. No reasons needed.

 

Explanation when you've already made a decision often makes things more complicated, and often also gives the other person the idea that you are giving them a chance to explain themselves and therefore win you back. If that's not your intention then don't bother.

[Butterflyxx]

Thank you. Am I being stupid about this all?

[Capricorn3]

Thank you. Am I being stupid about this all?

 

Maybe stupid is the wrong word, but "stubbornly not listening" would describe it better?

[Ms Darcy]

Thank you. Am I being stupid about this all?

 

I think you are asking the same questions over and over and it's not helping you.

[Butterflyxx]

The thing is, I know full well he doesn't care about me, because if he did I wouldn't be feeling inadequate in his presence constantly, but never before have I just been able to stop talking to someone I cared about. This last week he was so sweet to me, he said he didn't want to lose me and he wants to try again, yet now he's going back to his old ways by making me feel like he doesn't want to talk to me.

I mentioned it last night to him and he got a bit irritated with me because he said he was busy.

I just don't know how to let go, me and him are at the stage in our talking where I can't just disappear and stop messaging him

[Butterflyxx]

He promised me we'd work out this time and that we'd have an amazing winter together and we could do a lot of activities together and I feel like if we stop talking I'll be throwing him away

[boltnrun]

He's not keeping his promise.

 

You want to "talk" to him because you hope he'll beg for another chance. Period.

 

Go ahead, give him a dozen more "chances", but you cannot complain when he goes back to ignoring you because you already know he will.

[Butterflyxx]

Was he lying to me then? Why would he pretend he wants me back and then just drop me again?

[Capricorn3]

OP, I understand you are very young and keep saying "I just don't know how to let go", but seriously, you are going to have to learn how to deal with these kinds of things, because you will have this type of thing happen several times in your life and if you keep holding onto every tiny little thing and refuse to let go, you are going to lead a very miserable life. I understand you have a lot of growing up to do, but if you find this so bad that you can't deal or cope, then maybe it's time to see a professional counselor/therapist.

[boltnrun]

Was he lying to me then? Why would he pretend he wants me back and then just drop me again?

 

Talk is cheap.

 

What are his actions showing you? He was nice for one whole week, then went right back to ignoring you.

 

What do you think that means?

[Butterflyxx]

I completely understand. I am very young and I do agree that I have a lot to learn. Tonight I am going to send him a message saying that I don't think it's best to communicate anymore, then I'll block him out of my life and move on.

I know deep down its the best thing to do as he makes me feel miserable and inadequate, but the only reason why I feel it's difficult to let go is because he was a big part of my life for 3 years and I feel it's difficult to be the one in charge to just let it all go, I've never done something like that before and knowing me I'll probably beg for him back.

[notalady]

Sounds like a good plan.

 

Except I think you need to work on your self-esteem. If you dig down deep, you'll realise that the only reason you have trouble letting go of a bad relationship and think you're going to beg for him back, is because you don't think you're going to find a better one.

[Butterflyxx]

I feel as if when I send him that message as soon as he replies I'll think it was a bad idea and then take it all back and feel bad for sending it.

[notalady]

Well how about this, don't take it back regardless of how you feel, just ignore that feeling. Just don't do it. Exercise a little self control. If you're saying you don't have the least bit of self control it takes to stop yourself from making yet another mistake when you clearly know that it is, then you have bigger problems.

[boltnrun]

How about you don't send it?

 

Oh yeah, you want him to ask for another chance so you don't have to end this unsatisfying pseudo-relationship.

[Waraqqa]

Butterflyx, your situation is almost identical to mine. The thing is, you cannot change someone. It is an illusion. If they change, they can only do so internally because they want it, not because you ask them or coerce them. I went through asking and talking, and explaining and ruminating, and even angry accusations over and over again. It only made things worse. After my last email outburst he just stopped talking to me altogether. Imagine how I felt. I felt like I was the one at fault for everything. It would have been better if I had enough wisdom to just leave the whole thing quietly.

Now we are talking again (as "friends" or whatever it is), but there is a clear feeling that I am the "hysterical" one who could not let go of past hurts. However, even as friends, I still get affected by things. He says how nice it would be to catch up etc, but never actually invites me to meet somewhere. Last week I was in town and we ended up playing tag all day, then only saw each other due to running into each other on campus at night. At that time, he suggested to meet at the weekend and come to my city, but last night cancelled (I know this time he has a good excuse as he had an awful week and needs some rest).

However, every time he vaguely suggests meeting, I get excited and start looking forward. - but then, it is up to ME to actually make it happen, hunt him down etc. He likes to be spontaneous and dislikes any planning. For me to adjust to his spontaneity means obliterating my own schedule, work, fun etc. Is it the same for you? I suggest that you start putting yourself first. Don't do it how I did it - don't get angry, shout, or overexplain anything. You explained things ONCE, that's ENOUGH. The rest these big boys can figure out by themselves. If they don't, it's ok. I suffered feeling the intense need of validation of my feelings, to get an acknowledgement from him that he understood. But it is futile. Whether he does or not, live YOUR life, every day! Remain kind, POLITE, civil, pleasant - but simply go on your way and don't fall back into his trap. That's what I should have done. And am trying to do now.

[Waraqqa]

I am 33, by the way. It looks like you are much younger, but I observe that you are handling this better than I have. You are mature and wise, and I wish you the best! We cannot connect to someone wonderful and suitable in our lives until we let go of someone with whom it was not a good fit. In both our cases, it clearly was not a good fit!

It may also be a good idea to start seeing other people. At first, it feels disgusting cuz you miss the ex. But then you start noticing nice things. Wow, he took initiative and invited me somewhere! Wow, I came on time and he is already waiting for me there! You start seeing and appreciating small things you didn't experience with the ex before.

[Waraqqa]

That's a manipulation. Maybe he was not consciously trying to manipulate you, but that's what his words become. You see, even if someone DOES NOT SUIT YOU and you feel inadequate with them, no one is 100% bad. And that's how this works: he has some small things which are very sweet and that's what lures you in. But it is just the lure. You need a consistent partner with whom you feel well, normal, loved and appreciated in a consistent way.

I also got sucked into the Lure. His moments of niceness have always been so difficult to resist. And if I resisted those warm moments, I felt guilty about it, like I just threw away something wonderful like an idiot. The problem is, this warmth and niceness is temporary. And unsupported by steady action. It is a flimsy ground, something you cannot depend on. So, just leave it. Just like that. Don't go to the lure, and don't let yourself feel guilty about anything. He had plenty of time and opportunities. And again you gave him a second chance after the break up, and just one week later he got cold again. It is the right time just to walk away.

[Waraqqa]

Yes, he is likely to remain this way. IF you go back to him, then I can guarantee that he will remain this way. Why not? if you let him, he'll do that. If you don't value yourself more, he won't either. Don't be angry about it, but please be 100% honest within yourself. Be polite (or, better yet, completely silent), and see the situation HOW IT IS, not how you want it to be. Then you can start accepting it, crying, and through gentle sadness it will dissolve, and you'll be free!