Brother is out of control

[Moontiger]

For more details on what is currently happening in my family see this thread:

 

My brother and my dad got in a huge fight. I don't know all the details but I do know my brother has been lashing out a lot lately. I have had a suspicion that its more then just dealing with our mom not having much longer to live.

 

Well, earlier today he flipped out on my dad (sidenote: I have talked to my dad but not my brother, however all the information I got was consistent with how they interact, behavior I have seen before, etc). To back up a little, this morning my sibilings and I were group emailing each other. All of my brother's emails felt "off", he is kind of hostile, borderline beligiernant. Sometime after that was when my dad and him fought.

 

My brother accused my father of not taking care of my mom (which is almost laughable), and wanting her to die (this makes me want to slap my brother). My dad told my brother that he wasn't going to have this fight and walked away. My brother left the house and then sent a number of terrible text messages to my dad. Lots of profanity, telling him to die, I have not seen them all (brother sent screen shots to my sister which is how I saw them) but what I did see was really terrible.

 

As of right now, my brother is not allowed in the house unless someone is there with my dad. We suspect that he might be back on drugs (something he struggled with as a teenager), might be an alcholic, and who knows that else.

 

I will be going to my parents house in a few weeks (they lives several states away). But I just don't know what to do right now.

[Seraphim]

Unfortunately, sad and horrible as this is there's nothing you can do about it. It could be that your mom being close to passing has driven him back to drugs. It could be that this is just so catastrophic for him that he's falling back to a former way of coping. Not that it gives him license to do or say the things he's done.

 

All you can do is uphold your dad and your brother if he talks to you. I know all of you are hurting right now.

[Seraphim]

It is also very common to try and find somebody to "blame" when someone dies even if it is for a medical cause. I know when my mother's mother passed away I remember hearing my mother that night screaming at her mother who had passed why did you do this why did you do this why did you leave me. Even though her mother was not there with us and had already passed my mother was in her own way blaming her mother for passing away.

 

Your brother is really scared and angry and needs someone to blame and your dad is there and I guess an easy target.

[Willywagtail]

Victoria has made a really good point about the 'blame'. Your brother is expressing his grief - unfortunately in a really inappropriate way. Of course there have to be consequences for his behaviour, but he needs to know that the family loves him. It's his behaviour that's unacceptable, not him.

 

The death of a mother is a massive life tragedy. Your brother doesn't know how to deal with his feelings and this pending loss so he's lashing out with anger and rage at the people he cares most about. And it's maybe exacerbated by drugs.

 

Your dad should tell him that he's happy to see him,and for him to come round, but that he needs to be sober.

[RainyCoast]

I'm so sorry Moon. My mum's last months were dreadful enough on their own, i can only imagine what you all must be going through with the added stress from bro's "coping style". Hopefully he'll look into getting help. Do you have hospice involved or someone who's experienced in complicated family issues during a loved ones last days?

 

I don't really know what to say, just sending thoughts and hugs.

[Moontiger]

Hospice is involved. During the email exchange before the fight I mentioned that I had started seeing a therapist and said that it's something everything should think about doing. His response was basically "Nice idea, I'm not doing that.".

[avman]

We suspect that he might be back on drugs (something he struggled with as a teenager),

 

Honestly this was the first thing that popped into my head when I read your story. Just a sudden outburst like that is very indicative of some sort of mood altering substance. The stress of your mothers illness could have easily driven him back to self medicating in order to ease the pain. This has got to be just devastating for everyone in your family and I am so very sorry about what you are going through.

 

Its a shame your brother is not willing to see a therapist. That was going to be my next suggestion was to have some family counseling. But if he's not willing I think you and your father should certainly see a counselor to help you get through all this. If you have other siblings and they can participate in counseling too that would be really helpful. Whether your brother gets healthy or not, the rest of the family needs to stay together and try to get through this. Don't let your brothers sickness become a family sickness.

[lukeb]

Emails and texts are great for some things, they don't work well in highly charged emotional situations, that was actually the one thing that stood out for me. All these mass emailing, capturing the texts and sharing them among each other can actually make things a lot worse than they actually are. I think it would be a lot better if you actually got away from all that, and to actually phone if you can't be there.