I don't know if I'm going insane or if he's doing it on purpose :/

[CharlieCheese]

this morning me and my partner found out he was going on training for a week for a new job which is brilliant, I have a couple days with him until he goes away for just over a week.

Instead of staying home he decided he wanted to go out with his friends from another town. He does this a lot, leaving me at home with My 3 year old (he has been the only father figure my boy has had sinse he was 2 months old) but still it's really awful that he goes off whenever he thinks is ok. Anyway I admit I was a bit annoyed but I'm not the controlling type to tell him no, he left at 1:30 this afternoon and it's now nearly midnight and he probably won't be back for another few hours, he doesn't drink or anything like that him and his friends literally sit in their cars all night talking about cars and what not. I rang him a couple hours ago to see how he was because he'd gone out of the town he was in to pick a couple friends up, I ring and a lass answers, he had told me there would be a lass there tonight but I was still pissed that she answered his phone even though clearly her boyfriend was in the back, she was rather rude and refused to tell me where he was so I hung up. About 10 minutes later my partner rings me back and is all very apologetic and assures me it won't happen again and that he'd ring me in a little bit for a chat. 3 hours later, I'm lying here in bed thought I'd ring him to tell him I love him and I'll see him when he got home, the conversation lasted all of about 30 seconds, he was too distracted to even want to talk, he wasn't rude but was obviously having a good laugh with his mates. This isn't the first time this has happened and occurs a couple days a week, call me selfish but considering he's going away it would have been nice to spend some family time but apparently not. I get on with his friends and have never had an issue with them, but being a mum I rarely get time to go over with him, it feels like sometimes he'd rather be with them than with us I love him dearly and I don't know if I'm just being paranoid, everything about our relationship is great we've been together nearly 3 years and he is a kind warm hearted man, apart from sometimes he starts off leaving me feeling alienated from him I don't know if I'm going mad and thinking too much into but I just wish I knew where I stood, I don't how to speak to him about it without him thinking I've gone nuts but I want him to spend time with us without it being me who instigated it and become a control freak help

[ThatwasThen]

Is there any reason why you couldn't have gotten a babysitter and accompanied him to have fun with his friends?

[CharlieCheese]

I don't have the funds for a baby sitter and my sister works 24 hour shifts and rarely has any days off

[ThatwasThen]

24 hour shifts? Do you mean 12 hour shifts?

 

Does your boyfriend have the funds for a baby sitter?

[CharlieCheese]

No I mean 24 hour shifts, she's a children's residential care home worker, so her job requires her to sleep there most evenings, not really his current/last Job only just managed to pay his car insurance, technically he can't afford to be wasting the fuel every other day but that doesn't stop him

[Hollyj]

He doesn't sound like much of a family man. How old is he?

 

Staying out several nights a week, till 2 AM. I wouldn't be cool with that.

[CharlieCheese]

oddly enough he never did it before he had his car, he's always telling me all he wants is to be able to support us, I don't know if I'm just being selfish by wanting more of his time

[ThatwasThen]

No I mean 24 hour shifts, she's a children's residential care home worker, so her job requires her to sleep there most evenings, not really his current/last Job only just managed to pay his car insurance, technically he can't afford to be wasting the fuel every other day but that doesn't stop him

What I'm trying to establish is if you had the funds... if he could pay for a babysitter, would he? Why is he not inviting you along with him (especially since there are other women there)?

[CharlieCheese]

When we've been able to get a babysitter it's always been his idea for me to come with him, he's never closed off about it, there are other women there but most of them are his friends girlfriend, I just don't think it's right that one of them answered his phone and started being a about it, I trust him and know he wouldn't do anything behind my back, feels like I need him more than I like to admit but at the same time everyone needs friend else we wouldn't be sane, but selfishly I want him with us more than them not the other way round which at some points it does feel like that

[nutbrownhare]

If you're not able to go out, would it be possible to have friends over at your place when he goes out, or is there some other way you can entertain yourself when he isn't available? Having something to think about rather than wondering what's happening to him will make both of you happier. Even though you're not the controlling type, the fact that you're not happy with the situation will be revealing itself in all sorts of subtle ways (one of the problems with feelings is that they LEAK!) and inadvertently driving him away.

 

The best thing to do in this situation is to take care of YOU, in whatever way works for you. If you weren't in a relationship, how would you occupy your time?

[agent1607307371]

Do you know this other woman? Why wouldn't she tell you even after she picked his phone up?

[JustWishing]

I think there is something fishy about this. I can't put my finger on it, but there is no reason for a woman to answer his phone and that she can't tell you where he is at. It's uncalled for.

[melancholy123]

Do you have a friend with a kid and you could trade babysitting from time to time? Then you could go out with him and no money would be needed to pay a sitter.

[Hollyj]

Why does he go out several times a week, if he does;t even have enough money for a sitter?

[j.man]

How much time does he spend with you and the kid?

 

Honestly, the only problem I see here is you ringing him several times when he told you he'd be out celebrating with friends. If him going out is a problem, you may want to find a guy who's more of a homebody.

[CharlieCheese]

In all honesty I only have a select few friends which we see from time to time but they like me either have a family of their own or work their backsides off trying to make a living. I have stuff that I do for one my 3 year old leaves a path of destruction wherever he goes, the house work always needs doing, I'm not much of a couch potato so I don't watch much TV or films, I have my hobbies, but no matter how much I distract myself it inevitably comes back to being terribly terribly lonely and kind of shoved aside, I've spoken to him about this and how I felt before about this situation he gets upset doesn't seem to understand where I'm coming from, then I'm the one left feeling guilty, it's been much worse than this before its caused me to just completely break down but when I was really upset about it he was there and with me straight away, it seems that speaking about it is a waste of time unless anyone has any other suggestions on how to go about it

[CharlieCheese]

J.MAN he wasn't out celebrating he was doing the same thing he does every other day in the week, also he rings me when he's out with his friends I only ring him a couple times, the times I don't he gets annoyed and thinks I'm pissdd at him

[CharlieCheese]

I knew the woman would be there my partner told me he was going to pick her and someone else up, it's more the audacity of her picking his phone up, whether she meant it to be funny or not I don't know

[Lucia Amman]

I often feel the same way as you and can understand what you're feeling. I don't like to have babysitters for my children so whenever I have them I don't and can't go out.

I'm quite lucky though my boyfriend does understands this and wants to be with us instead of going out with his friends. It only happens a few times he has some event he wants to go to in the weekends we have the children. And I still feel left out than. It isn't always something rational what you feel, it just happens. And it doesn't has to happen every time. It's just what you feel.

 

I think it's cute you two call each other still when he goes out. I would try to talk to your boyfriend about how it makes you feel and emphasize on the part that you don't not want him to go but you just need to feel validated and important to him. Maybe as a compromise he can take you two out on a date sometime. I know you hardly have the money but if he has the time on his hands to go out with his friends he might as well bring you and your son out to a walk in the park, into the woods, the beach whatever is close. Or go for a picnic. I don't think you need to tell him he can't go out. But more that he needs to understand you and your child also like to do fun things together with him. It doesn't has to be expensive it can be totally free. He just needs to put some effort into it.

[mischiefsmommy]

Have you thought about couples counseling?

[mhowe]

oddly enough he never did it before he had his car, he's always telling me all he wants is to be able to support us, I don't know if I'm just being selfish by wanting more of his time

 

He may say he wants to, but his actions clearly point to the fact he has no intention of doing so. I think the instant family thing just isn't what he thought it would be and he wants to be a normal early 20s guy with his friends....not playing house.

 

Btw...calling several times to check on him is controlling.

[ThatwasThen]

Op: Going out and leaving you at home all the time is rude and disrespectful when he's with other women who answer his phone and then he doesn't answer your questions. There is something nefarious about that and he just shuffled you off.

 

My advise: Be better at your attempts to control and tell him that his going out more then once a week isn't something that is acceptable to be doing and that you'd like a compromise wherein he cuts back his time out alone and ups his time out with you which includes date nights out without the baby at least once a month. Ask him to come up with a compromise that is something that he can agree to more readily if he doesn't like your suggestion. Figure out who you can ask and who you trust to look after Junior. There is always a way.

 

When in a relationship it is expected that you stop acting single with your time and you actually WANT to be with your family and LIFE-partner more times then you are not. If he's not being with you more times then not AS A COUPLE then you are just the mother of his child and the washer of his shirts. Surely he is mature enough to see where you are coming from if you lay it on the line with him. If after that, he doesn't do anything to change his ways then perhaps it's time you realized who you are with isn't who you can spend the rest of your life with.