Knew This Day Would Come... Ex Is In A New Relationship Already. Help me.

[ajhurst210]

It's hasn't been more than 5 months since my ex of nearly 2.5 years left me. And I found out today that she's in a new relationship already.

 

I've never been one to keep tabs on my ex after a break-up. I haven't spoken to her in over 3 months. I don't check up on her on social media or have anyone I know do so. This information just sorta was... told to me involuntarily.

 

I was informed she had been talking to this guy while we were dating. I had my suspicions during the last few months of our relationship that something was going on with someone else, maybe not physically, but all the signs were there. Withdrawing from me emotionally and intimately. Losing interest in me. Always keeping her phone attached to her and on silent or leaving it face down while in the room with me.

 

All this time I was just telling myself she dumped me because we just had problems that we couldn't work through... I could've made peace with that someday. All the progress in healing I've made has been down the road to healing from that. Not from being left for another man.

 

It's just so hard to believe. I thought I knew her. I thought those 2 and a half years meant something to her. But she replaced me, in less than 5 months since the last time she's seen me and told me she loved me and now she's living it up with another man. I knew there was something wrong about it when she could just dump me so coldly and callously after 2 and a half years and say she found "clarity" in just a matter of two weeks...

 

I've gone on ONE date since we broke up and I literally teared up afterwards on the drive home because it felt like cheating to me and couldn't continue to see the girl again. Felt too soon. And she's already in another relationship.

 

I knew she would do this. Knew she'd move on quickly. I tried to prepare myself for this day but you simply just can't prepare yourself...

 

I keep wanting to know who he is. Is he more fun than me? Richer? Better looking? Smarter? Funnier? Better in bed? Does he make her laugh more than I did? Is she happier with him than she ever was with me? Was he doing all this while she was still in a relationship with me?

 

I keep thinking of all the beautiful things she said to me, about how I "saved her" and how she wanted to have children with me and marry me. How she would kiss me and tell me I was the man she was always supposed to be with. Is she recycling all those words and feelings now with him? Was it all just a big giant f**ckin lie?

 

I have to picture another man touching her and kissing her, making love to her, telling her she's beautiful, falling asleep next to her in the bed I was falling asleep next to her in, no less than half a year ago... and it makes my skin crawl.

 

How can she have moved on SO quickly and easily? How can she be with someone else so soon and not see me in him or feel anything at all? How can someone I loved so much get over me so unbelievably fast? It's inhuman...

 

I've already drank too much...

 

God help me.

[Davidator]

Hey man.... I'm sorry, I know how you feel. My ex ex did it in one month.

 

Let me tell you something. 5 months, for the dumper is NOT a short time. She respected you fairly well. It does hurt the same though.

 

The ONLY one good thing you'll get from this is that this is the moment you start moving on. You've been abandoned, and you just realized it's for real.

 

If you feel bad right now, put your sport shoes and go jogging. Right now. No matter what time it is. When it happened to me I went out jogging at 3am

 

5 months is fairly enough. You were important for her. Now it's over and you'll get better. I'm so sorry man. I'm with you if you need talk.

[TheAbandoned]

Hell, my ex did it in 1 day. All the signs were there that she was engaging in some form of cheating but she denied it to the end like I'm some kind of idiot. People like that just can't be trusted.

 

Stay NC, keep yourself busy and when those thoughts come in your head, force yourself to think of ANYTHING else. It helps.

[blanco]

Mine did it in two months and had a quasi rebound before that.

 

It hurts, but here are some things to consider:

 

- Her moving on to another relationship has nothing to do with you. I know; it's tough to put away the ego and not think, "How much could she have loved me if she moved on in __ weeks/months?" Well, that's not helpful thinking. And it's not realistic, either, because very few exes who move on to another relationship do so to get back at their former partner or because their former partner was so lacking.

 

- Ultimately, it doesn't matter how soon she moved on. Whether it was 5 months or 5 years, one thing remains unchanged: You two aren't together and right now, you have to accept that you won't be again.

 

- This new guy could be a passing ship in the night. He could be her future husband. What you need to make sure you don't do is pause your life while you wait to find out. Keep on with NC and building your NEW life.

 

- Avoid learning anything about this new guy if possible. I felt lousy when my ex moved on. I felt even worse when I found out what he makes and what his lavish lifestyle is like. Any information is bad information!

[saluk]

So much better to see it happen soon. Nothing like forcing you to move on than knowing how happy your ex is without you.

 

My ex.... still single. After three years. Gah. Every once in a while something makes me think she is about to move on... but no, still single.

 

It's the worst!

[blanco]

That's a good point. It was painful to find out she was seeing someone, but I hadn't moved on at all in the two months before that, and I doubt that would've changed much if I hadn't basically been forced to move along.

[everythings]

Some people move fast that way, and don't want to be alone so they transition the way she did. I just broke it off with a pretty nice girl we had no shared goals. She will find someone within weeks or months because, lol, she's easy. I'll probably go years alone. I'm just in the age group where all the good ones are taken. Best is to lose all communication avoid her FB page, and just let her go. Be happy for her, it will help you knowing she's got someone who cares who it is, if it's not you it's someone. I visited my last girlfriend that I broke it off with three years back, she still had out photo's of us on her kitchen buffet, she's still alone but she put Jesus before me and everything else so no wonder she's alone, she said he's all I need, I said ok then see you in heaven. I actually wish she would find someone, both of them. That's the thing about love, their is a graduation point and you can't hold on to tight. She still cheated and was not honest with you.

[captcha45]

I'm really sorry you have to go through this. I know how much it hurts...

 

It doesn't matter if she is happier with him...point is YOU can be happier with someone else. So what if he is better looking? Richer? Smarter? She is still the same unstable woman who is hung up on her ex-husband. You can do a lot better than that.

[chitown9]

She already had one foot out the door when she was "with you." She was already gone at that point, so you see, it has been more than 5 months. She had more time to get over you because she was already emotionally invested in this other man. chi

[chamachama]

You need to "delete" her on social media not just try to avoid her. Delete pics too. And say this to yourself everyday: "She does not think about me anymore. She is having tons of sex with someone else and loving it. They are together now. She is now in my rear view mirror and I am moving on to greener pastures. She is gone for good."

[cmpatable]

Looks like we are in almost the same exact same boat man.... ex gf of 2+ years left me 2 months ago and made me believe my actions in the last 3 months were the cause of our breakup.

 

I took the blame initially and decided to work on myself, hoping for reconciliation after some time of healing. I had absolutely no idea how my best friend could be so incredibly cold to me. Not even my family or shared group of friends understood it with how close we were. And then I got my clarity...

 

Find out 1.5 months after the break that she is sleeping with her co-worker... the same co-worker that caused most of our fighting ... I always had a bad feeling about him. I feel like my emotions/healing have completely reset. I sit hear asking all the same questions as you... I wish I had some advice.

 

What I do believe is that we aren't dealing with truly happy people.. or people that THINK much about their actions. If they are so quick to jump ship without remorse, that says something huge! They allowed themselves to emotionally disconnect with us prior to the break up in order for a shot at something they are interested at the time. The sick thing is they have to make themselves believe what they are doing is right in order to go through with it. To do this they start searching for ways to escape the relationship..leaving us in the dark with all the blame. It's not moving on... it's living a lie in hopes of finding themselves in a better situation. I have a feeling they sub consciously do this... because my ex has her story almost straight on her end. Even after all this I want to say she is a good person... she is just naturally acting to what she wants in life and not giving the situation any REAL thought... she really believes in this whole thing she has created and won't look at it any other way Your perspective simply does not exist for them in this moment. They are taking a shot in the dark and all we can do is watch it unfold for them (you and I both know we will always care and wait to see)

 

I have faith in my history with my ex, hoping she will run herself dry and have life serve her a lesson quick...She may very well end up in a situation she is happy with but I'll know the person she has become and reality she has created for herself to be it. Overall I do wish for her happiness and to see her stuck in this all is incredibly sad but it's out of my hands...I have seen her start to feel the weight of it all as she has broken relationships with our good friends and is backing herself into a corner. I think us moving on and finding other girls will be what really settles it in for them.

[TMifune]

AJ, I feel for you, but at least you had 5 months to start processing. I'm with TheAbandoned, though she did wait three weeks to tell me that they were officially boyfriend girlfriend and that she wasn't sure she was comfortable with the label yet....like "why'd you accept it if you're not comfortable with it?" Anyway, I digress. I know it doesn't feel good, but 5 months isn't THAT fast. 1 day and exclusive in less than 3 weeks, that's fast.

 

Hell, my ex did it in 1 day. All the signs were there that she was engaging in some form of cheating but she denied it to the end like I'm some kind of idiot. People like that just can't be trusted.

 

Stay NC, keep yourself busy and when those thoughts come in your head, force yourself to think of ANYTHING else. It helps.

 

Mine was right there with you, Abandoned. She left directly because she "had to see where it went" with the new guy. She also threw out the phrase "I never cheated" when we weren't talking about cheating. I don't really care if she slept with him before she dumped me, I call it cheating either way.

[divorceddad]

I feel ya man. I'm in the same boat. My divorce was finalized last month and she's moving on. I'm having a hard time moving on myself and I think the same thoughts that you do - all the time.

[blanco]

AJ, I feel for you, but at least you had 5 months to start processing. I'm with TheAbandoned, though she did wait three weeks to tell me that they were officially boyfriend girlfriend and that she wasn't sure she was comfortable with the label yet....like "why'd you accept it if you're not comfortable with it?" Anyway, I digress. I know it doesn't feel good, but 5 months isn't THAT fast. 1 day and exclusive in less than 3 weeks, that's fast.

 

Yeah, it sucks regardless, and it might still be too soon for a real healthy relationship to grow from this, but there has been a decent amount of time between the split and the new guy.

 

In the grand scheme of things, a couple months might not seem like that big of a difference, but the reality is, most people move on to another partner eventually. Some just do it faster than others. It's been 7 months since I split, and while I wouldn't like it, I wouldn't think it all that odd if my ex had started dating someone within the last couple of months. As it was, mine was already trying to chat someone up a couple weeks after I left, hanging out with him (strictly as company/rebound), before starting up with the guy she's been with now for almost 5 months.

[ajhurst210]

Well technically it has only been around 3 months since officially broken up. She spent around a month and a half "deciding" if she wanted to continue with us or not.

 

Either way, 3 months, 5 months, 8 months... I'm pretty sure it was going to hurt me just as much no matter how much time had passed.

 

She's moving on with her life, that's her right. I'd be a gigantic hypocrite if I said I loved her and then wanted her to put her life on hold at my expense...

 

I'm more upset about the fact that apparently she was arranging this and getting to know this man BEFORE we even started talking about breaking up. And from what I understand they started dating right away... she just hadn't made it "official" so people wouldn't talk...

 

As shady and as crappy as it was... I can shout "injustice" all I want... It's not going to change the fact that she's with someone else. I can either wallow around in my grief (which I most certainly will for awhile) like a child who had his toy taken away... or I can just take it as yet another sign that I should move.

 

I'm not the type of person who is capable of switching off all emotional contact with someone I spent that much time with then bringing in a new person right away. Not even after 5 months. I broke up with one of my exes once, my second longest relationship, I stayed single for over a year afterwards.

 

It's just not in me to let go of feelings so easily or to welcome in new ones when the old ones are still fresh in my heart and mind. I can't tell someone I love them then less than half a year later tell it to someone else. I don't want to be with someone who is capable of that kind of emotional detachment. How could they ever be trusted to love you forever?

 

I'm starting to see all the reasons why she's never had a relationship last longer than her relationship with me. She's apparently always bounced from one man to another, splitting when the times got tough and living off of the "honeymoon phases" of each relationship. That works for some people, but it's not who I am or the kind of person I want to be with.

 

I love her still. I'm sure this isn't the last time I cry about her. In fact, I'm positive about that. It's gonna eat away at me a little bit every day to think of them together. But what can I do? I can't spend my life drinking myself to death over it. Can't spend my life obsessing over it. I can't change it. I can't change anything that has happened. And we are NOT getting back together... ever. It's over.

 

I NEED to move on. She can break his heart next. Or him hers. Or maybe they'll get married and be happy the rest of their lives. Maybe I was just the stepping stone to get to him and her just the stepping stone for me to get to whoever I'm supposed to be with. I don't know. All I know is that I can't change it. I can't try and understand why she's been so cold and cruel. Why she's moved on so quickly. Why she was capable of all the things she's capable of. I'm not her. The more I try and understand why and ask why... the longer I'm going to suffer. This is ALL in my hands. My recovery is in MY hands.

 

I'll try and use this one last stab in my back as motivation to finally move on and not be so broken up over someone who doesn't love me anymore.

 

TRY is the key word there... will I succeed? That's a whole other story...

[blanco]

Read up on attachment theory. I know it's not a catch-all answer to relationship troubles, but it's really helped me view my past relationships in a different way. I don't recall a lot about your original posts on this breakup, but many love avoidants (especially the dismissive type) are able to move on quickly to new relationships because they're just wired to easily detach.

[No1]

You are keeping score and love doesnt keep score. Problem #1. We all think that we were the best BF/GF ever and think we had set a very high bar. We treated them right, we treated them like they deserved to be, they were happy and they still left and now they are with someone else? How could this possibly be? Solution: She was not the one for you. And she is in a different relationship. She is not continuing your relationship with someone else. She started a whole new one. Its like playing a game. If you won does your score roll over? No.. you start over a new game. Same thing here. The relationship ended and its time to start a new one. She didnt 'replace' you, she moved on to someone else.

Problem #2: You want her to remember you, think of you, miss you, want you and that is not healthy. Solution: Get rid of the want for her to think about you.

Problem #3: You are keeping score. Its not fair that you are out there still hurting and mourning over the break up and she is with someone "Only" after 5 months. Well, what is stopping you? The only one that is hampering their happiness is you. Its not your X, she didnt say "Wait until I find someone before you find someone okay?" Or did she? Anyway... You are thinking its not fair, Im in pain and she is happy.. Solution: Go make yourself happy. You stand up, put your big boy pants on, dust yourself off and you go out there and make yourself happy. The relationship is over.

Problem #4: You are holding on and re-living the past and past promises. Saying stuff like "I saved her" doesnt help. Solution: Get rid of those thoughts. All past promises, what she said what you two dreamt about what you two shared about the future has to be tossed out the window. It doesnt matter anymore.

Look, you were a great boyfriend. Things didnt work out. She didnt see a future with you and broke it off. This doesnt mean you are not a great guy, just not a great guy for her. She wants something different. Doesnt mean better, just different. You had wonderful times and great memories, she helped you be who you are and you helped she is.. You two had great times. Its just time to find someone else and make more memories. Close this chapter and open up another one.

[Dottieflanogon]

It is so painful to learn that your ex is dating someone new.I try my hardest to not know what is going on in my ex's life.When I learned that my ex was seeing someone else, I was in pieces

 

I just take comfort in the fact that to every break up there are only two possible outcomes, and both come with time. Either with time you will find your way back together, or with time you will heal and move on.Things will get better

[can1328]

I feel your pain. 6 years for me. We lived together and were ready to get engaged/married soon. She went to her high school reunion and met an old fling. After 4 months or so she came running back screaming that she made a mistake. At that point I was in the "I don't care" phase but still had feelings. She made me believe that I was the one and she made a giant mistake. I took her back. We had another great 3-4 months and guess what...she did it again. Wrote me an e-mail about how she never wants to lose me again and is totally in love with me, etc. 1.5 weeks later, shes off with another guy. That was a little over a month ago. Learn from my mistakes. It hurts like hell but I keep in my mind that this pattern wouldn't change. Find someone who wants you and only you. They are out there. You owe her nothing anymore.

[TMifune]

I think there's something to that. There has to be something significantly more than just empty words from someone if you're ever going to consider taking them back after running off with someone else. If they're not genuinely remorseful to the point of being willing to commit to meaningful change in themselves, then you taking them back just rewards the behavior. It actually teaches them that they can basically get away with it, so they do it again and again.