dating several people at the same time?

[Sportster2005]

I am not being sexist in that I would not date a woman dating multiples either. Hedging bets has never appealed to me in either sex.

 

Nope, you're not, that wasn't directed at you.

 

I struggle with this issue. I find it difficult to date many women at the same time. Not only out of a sense ethics. It's logistically difficult. But the reality is there is some very good pragmatic reasons to hedge your bets. Most dates simply aren't going to work out. And maybe the problem is mine. I don't like returning to the scene of the crime. I was chatting with two women on Match. One was there before the other. Things were going well, and I didn't want to juggle two interests at once. So after a few dates I told the other I was starting to date someone and I wanted to see where it went, and wouldn't be pursuing her. She was gracious about it. The other one turned out to be a total psycho. The other one was still on Match. I wanted to chat with her again. But I find it real bad taste to do that. I don't like it women do it to me. "Oh that other thing didn't work out, Will you be my number two?"

 

I guess I could have just chatted to her, and let her decide if she wants to talk to me. Or I could have just dated both and see which worked out better.

 

Finding a mate is very difficult and very serious. I think there has to be a balance. Until there's sex and commitment I think people should hedge their bets. I expect woman I date to do it. I'm positive this has lead to me missing out. But to the other person it's not about me, it's about them. I just accept they feel they have found what they believe to be a better match. And until there is a commitment I'm free to try and find my best match. Yup, frustrating as hell. But that's the way it works.

[faraday]

I was big into multi dating. I usually had 3-6 first meets a week. A lot of hem were one and done. Chemistry and compatibility is rare.

 

The thing is...when I met a guy I was interested...I stopped checking eHarmony. I didn't respond as quickly to other guys...and eventually they would fade away, and I would be left with that one guy. It usually only took 3-4 dates for me to realize there wasn't a bunch of guys orbiting me anymore because...I was focused on the guy I liked...and at that point, it was always mutual (in hindsight...I had no idea until much later in those relationships just when they became exclusive to me).

[j.man]

I just accept they feel they have found what they believe to be a better match. And until there is a commitment I'm free to try and find my best match.

This is the exact right attitude to have.

 

I used to be very strict about only dating one woman at a time and, while I didn't demand it or talk about it, I expected the same from them. I was also insecure. The only reason to hold it to someone to only date you is simply because you're afraid of being dropped for someone who they believe is better for them. And that's it.

 

Since then, I've grown up and, as I said earlier, I don't want to be an only choice. I want to be the best choice. If that means she has to date around and weigh me against other options, then so be it. We're not all meant for each other and I don't take it personally if a woman decides there are better men out there for her than me.

[j.man]

I was big into multi dating. I usually had 3-6 first meets a week. A lot of hem were one and done. Chemistry and compatibility is rare.

 

The thing is...when I met a guy I was interested...I stopped checking eHarmony. I didn't respond as quickly to other guys...and eventually they would fade away, and I would be left with that one guy. It usually only took 3-4 dates for me to realize there wasn't a bunch of guys orbiting me anymore because...I was focused on the guy I liked...and at that point, it was always mutual (in hindsight...I had no idea until much later in those relationships just when they became exclusive to me).

This is my approach to multi-dating as well. It wasn't the glamorous harem lifestyle that a lot of people associate the idea with.

[faraday]

This is my approach to multi-dating as well. It wasn't the glamorous harem lifestyle that a lot of people associate the idea with.

 

I know, right? A bunch of my friends don't date. They want to...but they won't put themselves out there. So they think I'm like a tramp because I'm *meeting* people. Yeah, those coffee dates get SO wild! Penises everywhere!! *eye roll*

[John John]

I was big into multi dating. I usually had 3-6 first meets a week. A lot of hem were one and done. Chemistry and compatibility is rare.

 

The thing is...when I met a guy I was interested...I stopped checking eHarmony. I didn't respond as quickly to other guys...and eventually they would fade away, and I would be left with that one guy. It usually only took 3-4 dates for me to realize there wasn't a bunch of guys orbiting me anymore because...I was focused on the guy I liked...and at that point, it was always mutual (in hindsight...I had no idea until much later in those relationships just when they became exclusive to me).

 

 

I had a period where I was having 5 first meets a week. That was just way too exhausting for me. I cap it at maybe 3 max new meets per week, and keep it simple. Meet for a drink or two, or coffee. Narrow it down, and then just date maybe two at a time and actually try to get to know them and see if anything is there. I do not pursue sex with girls I'm actually into early on, but would not rule them out if that occurred early-ish. Just means the chemistry piece is there. An ex of 5 years I slept with on date two...and we ending up living together for 3 years lol

 

Once my interest wanes in checking my Match inbox or seeing any of the others, that's usually a pretty good indicator of how I'm feeling.

 

Like j.man said, it's really not glamarous, more just a necessary evil as part of the dating process.

[Sportster2005]

I know, right? A bunch of my friends don't date. They want to...but they won't put themselves out there. So they think I'm like a tramp because I'm *meeting* people. Yeah, those coffee dates get SO wild! Penises everywhere!! *eye roll*

 

That's just the way Canadians roll.

[SoulTaker]

Is it OK or not OK? I like keeping my options open (as long as we're not exclusive), but some people will probably have a problem with that...

 

As long as I'm not "exclusive", then it's none of their business. So my response is "I might, or might not". I'm not going to let anyone dictate how I date. The only time I have a problem with it, is if she's not investing the time, and effort in dating me (which is why I keep my options open).

 

Also, some people feel that when someone dating them asks a question, they have to answer it. That's ridiculous, which is why I don't provide a direct answer.

[notalady]

I know, right? A bunch of my friends don't date. They want to...but they won't put themselves out there. So they think I'm like a tramp because I'm *meeting* people. Yeah, those coffee dates get SO wild! Penises everywhere!! *eye roll*

 

Oh you make me laugh

 

That seems to be the reaction of people I know who never really dated around (generally older, met someone relatively early in life and got married, back in a time when OLD and multi-dating wasn't really a thing). They see me as a player or super popular (or sl*t?!) because I frequently had dates with different guys lined up (mostly first meets that don't go anywhere). I think the idea of dating around seemed foreign to them.

[notalady]

The only reason to hold it to someone to only date you is simply because you're afraid of being dropped for someone who they believe is better for them. And that's it.

 

That is exactly what two of the guys who I was open with about still dating others told me. That they were afraid of being dropped for someone else.

 

Apparently they don't want to be strung along and get their heart broken. Seems reasonable enough. But as you said it stems from insecurity.

 

With the second guy, I've learned my lesson after the mess that was the first guy (where I mistakenly decided to be exclusive after only 3 dates because he wasn't comfortable with multi-dating), I told him I don't string people along and just want to get to know him, exclusivity is a form of commitment and I'm not ready to offer that commitment after only two dates. However if he's uncomfortable with that idea, as he has the right to be, then I suggest he reconsider keep dating me. He backed off and said he's fine with it. I dropped him after the third date for other reasons but that confrontation and very clear display of insecurity (he said a number of things) was a major turn off for me.

[Ms Darcy]

I know, right? A bunch of my friends don't date. They want to...but they won't put themselves out there. So they think I'm like a tramp because I'm *meeting* people. Yeah, those coffee dates get SO wild! Penises everywhere!! *eye roll*

 

... And I bet most of those friends are single.

[faraday]

... And I bet most of those friends are single.

 

They can't figure out why either!

 

I mean...they've got excuses "no good men out there", "men are all wimps and won't approach them- they need an "alpha"."

 

I just roll my eyes. There are TONS of AMAZING men out there (single and taken)....but you have to be somewhere where the single ones can find you!

[Ms Darcy]

T....but you have to be somewhere where the single ones can find you!

 

... and speak to them!

[SoulTaker]

They were afraid of competition, and wanted you to do their dirty work for them by getting you to eliminate any potential rivals. These men will dance around their tactics, with the "exclusive" excuse, but in reality, they're afraid to go up against other men.

 

Let's face it, a quality woman will get dozens, if not hundreds of emails coming her way from men. That's what it's all about (competing). I had no problems with it, because if she chooses to be with me, then I'm what she's looking for.

[Ms Darcy]

lol no I know you wouldn't. And it's not a harem, actually. I'm just getting to know them. I've slept with one, but I've been seeing her for a while now.

 

Regardless, dating mutliple people at once is usually the norm. I don't actually like it. I just want to find Mrs. MCJD! lol

 

Hmm, you know I think it's a different ball game if sex is in the picture. Don't know your situation, but it's definitely important to disclose that you (not you but people in general) are dating others if you are sexually active with anyone.