6-years Not sure what do to

[bluetoo]

I have been in a relationship for 6-years & we live together. (I am 30) I have been miserable now for 5 years. I don't feel like the relationship is working. She loves me, but I just don't have those same feelings. I have not touched her (meaning sex, kissing) in 5 years. (She wants to have sex but I dont) I fight with her over insignificant things.

I have been fantisizing about other woman (noone inparticular, just ones I make up in my head).

I just feel like she is controlling. I have no friends. I used to have friends, but they are all gone. I am living a miserable existence. I tell her I need some gay friends & losing weight, but she gets jealous & mad. Saying that I am going to meet someone else & leave her when I lose weight, etc. If I am on the phone or receive a phone call she "jokes" that I am talking to my gf. I have no life. I can't go anywhere alone without her being with me. We don't go out b/c it is a miserable experience. If I talk to other people at a bar (women) she gets upset & starts fighting with me. When I take a day off from work she does to. Isnt it enough that we ar together 24 hrs a day 7 days a week. I need some free time. I want to see other people. I want to know what it is like to be in love. I can't take it anymore.

My self-esteem is so low. I am afraid of leaving her. Afraid that I won't meet anyone else. Afraid that I will be alone. I feel old. I feel ugly. I have put on so much weight b/c I am depressed all of the time.

I am not blaming her for these issues. She is a great person. I love her like I would love my sister & that is all. I just dont want to be intimate with her b/c I am unattracted to her. I am afraid to break it off. Thinking that I am making a huge mistake.

I am posting here b/c I have noone to talk to about this. No friends. My family doesnt know I am gay.

[DN]

You have a major issue here that is frankly a mess and you have to deal with it now. It is dangerous for you and unfair for her. Does she know you are gay?

 

I would suggest that you get an appointment with a professional to help you sort out your emotions, sexual orientation, relationship issues etc. You have serious problems and need serious, professional help.

 

Chances are that your g/f does as well. I feel as sorry for her as I do for you.

[ang3l2004]

Get away now,You have put up with this for so long that you have no self worth no confidence,You have no freedom,Get out and make yourself happy because you know what you can do that,You can get out of this relationship and you can make yourself happy again and pick yourself back up and in time you will be so happy and look back and thank yourself that you did,Why stay into a relationship that is 1-not working 2- not making you happy,It is a waste of time and it is not healthy,You should not let someone walk all over you and tell you how to live your life because right there that is just going to make things worse,Even though you think she is a great girl she is not making u happy she is making you miserable and why stay??Dont think that noone is out there for you that you dont have friends that noone will care because you will meet someone that will treat you good like you for who you are and do everything they can to make you happy why fight for someone who is doing nothing but making you sad inside and angry?You really need to be strong pick yourself back up and get on with your life ,Dont put up with it that is just my opinion you already have put up with it for way to long good luck PM me anytime you need to talk ,I will be there to help you the best I can

[RayKay]

You have a major issue here that is frankly a mess and you have to deal with it now. It is dangerous for you and unfair for her. Does she know you are gay?

 

I would suggest that you get an appointment with a professional to help you sort out your emotions, sexual orientation, relationship issues etc. You have serious problems and need serious, professional help.

 

Chances are that your g/f does as well. I feel as sorry for her as I do for you.

 

I am going to guess her girlfriend DOES know given she is female herself

 

I do agree though that this IS a mess, and five years is a LOOONG time to remain unhappy and never touch her, etc.

 

You need to talk to her about this. And I would say it is time for you to leave. If she is controlling, that is abusive...not physical, but as you said you do feel controlled and such. This is NOT a healthy relationship for EITHER of you. Your self esteem is shot (30 is NOT old, don't stress about that!) in large part as you have been unhappy for so long.

[ang3l2004]

lol Raykay I was just about to post that

[DN]

oops!!

 

But the rest of the post applies, exept the sexual orientation part!!

[ang3l2004]

[Yorkrose23]

Be honest with yourself. It is not fair to stay in a relationship that is not working. It is not fair to her b/c she wants to be intimate and you don't. It's not being true to yourself to stay just for security reasons.

If you really want to try and make it work, I would see a counselor. But if you really don't think it can, then now is the time to leave. Work on your self-esteem. It is not good for anyone to live a lie.

Good luck!

[bluetoo]

"You have a major issue here that is frankly a mess and you have to deal with it now. It is dangerous for you and unfair for her. Does she know you are gay?

 

I would suggest that you get an appointment with a professional to help you sort out your emotions, sexual orientation, relationship issues etc. You have serious problems and need serious, professional help.

 

Chances are that your g/f does as well. I feel as sorry for her as I do for you."

 

# 1 I do not have serious issues/problems. Also I know what my sexual orientation is. I am just the type of person that cannot say no & I do not like to hurt others.

 

Was just posting here b/c I have been trying to figure out what to do. Wanted to know if anyone else has been in a similar situation.

 

Thanks all for you replys. I will eventually figure this out on my own.

I think I may discuss my feelings with her. Maybe see what we can do to work it out.

[DN]

My apologies for the misunderstanding about your gender, I misread the post.

[Cadence308]

I have to agree with what some of the others posted. Firve years is a long time to be in an unintimate, unhappy relationship. Did you love her in the beginning? I think by postponing telling your gf how you really feel and doing what you need to to be happy in a relationship you are going to hurt her more.

 

You mentioned that you cannot say no and don't like to hurt others. I think as women we have a hard time setting boundaries with others and saying no. We are cultured to be open and giving, even if it's at our own expense. I think that's partially what is going on here.

 

You are very socially isolated since she gets so jealous when you talk to others and want to be around other people. I really believe that people should have other people like friends and family aside from their primary intimate relationship. She has you socially isolated out of fear of losing you. I've read this is common in lesbian relationships, although I haven't experienced this myself.

 

I think you really should seek the help of a professional since you have no one to talk to about this and this is an unhealthy, unhappy relationship that you need to get out of. When you get out of this relationship then it should be easier to go out and meet other women without feeling guilty about it. I think a professional could help you devise a plan to get out of this relationship because it sounds like that's what you really need and want. I don't think it sounds like you really want to work on a relationship with this person since you have been so unhappy for 5 out of years of the relationship.

 

Keep us posted on your progress.

[mgirl]

Hi Bluetoo,

 

I would tend to agree with what Ballys said she has read about lesbians doing this to each other. I'm not sure why 'we' do it... i think it's lack of social support outside of the relationship that drives 'us' (i'm saying 'us' because it's not always me that does this) towards hanging on to our partners way too much.

 

Life has to be balanced and you need to have friends. You really need to sort yourself out here. You need three things in your life: a job, friends and family and if you can have a lover, that is a bonus. You also need your health, but let me make it clear, you need to have the other things before you have the relationship, or while you are in the relationship.

 

Coming from an experienced lesbian, who is not much older than you, i would say that you need to get out of this relationship straight away. You need to completely change your life. You need to move away and concentrate on recreating your life the way you want it to be.

 

The first thing you need to do is save enough money to make sure you can move out. You need to be financially secure. Once you have this, you can work on all the rest, but i would say now you need a job and to earn some money (i'm not sure of your financial situation, but i am just suggesting). The next thing you need to do is seek some professional help, whether it's a counsellor or a psychologist. You just need somebody to put this into perspective for you.

 

If you are still intent on sorting out the relationship, you can do this from outside of the home you are in right now. How can you expect to be rational while you are still with her? You may wish to speak with her, but ultimately you have to look after yourself.

 

Once you have all this sorted out, you can deal with your weight. There are many resources on the internet, but basically, your energy output must exceed your energy input. Maybe start with some walking and cut out the sugar. You will feel a bit better and it will help you think clearer.

 

But please, start with moving out. I know you think you have no one to turn to, but you have people here and they will help you until you are strong enough to help yourself.

 

Keep us posted,

 

mgirl

[keeper_of_the_peace]

Hey

 

I don't know if you're still interested in other people's opinions, but here's mine...

 

You obviously have a lot going on here, and I can see how it may seem overwhelming...I think you need to work on your low self-esteem first. You need to build yourself up, become more confident. I believe that a therapist could help you do that.

 

In the meantime, take note of the things that you like about yourself, maybe you're a good listener, maybe you're a good cook...It may even be something as small as you thinking you have pretty eyes, nice hair...It sounds to me like you are a compasionate person; you care about other people and sometimes put their needs before your own. This is an incredible trait to have, but you have to be careful because you want to make sure that people don't take advantage of you. I feel that your partner has been doing this, unfortunately.

 

Maybe this all sounds sappy to you, but doing these things are like taking little steps to a healthier and happier you. Surely, but slowly, you will become a stronger, more confident person. Then it will be a littler easier for you to conquer the other issues that you have, like your weight and the problems that you are having with your partner.

 

So first, find a good therapist and start patting yourself on the back from now on; don't be so hard on yourself. Your therapist will help you to see that you can do it. Don't get overwhelmed; take little baby steps...

 

Just my opinion...I hope that it helps in some way.