Trying to be civil?

[captcha45]

So here's a second thread about being civil need some advice on that.

Me and my ex work at the same place. We both study at the same university.

Every now and then he tries to do some small talk and it invariably ends with me being pissed over some insignificant s***.

He hurt me a lot so I'm still going all "panic mode" when he's around. Kind of expect him to say mean stuff every time he opens his mouth and I'm scared of getting hurt.

Recently he has been trying to make amends by apologising, doing me all kinds of favors for work related stuff ect. Guilt I guess.

 

It's no problem when we ignore eachother, but as soon as he tries to talk to me I get really aggressive. How do you guys keep composure?

[Helpexpressme]

The more you get pissed off with him and show him your angry, is not doing you any favors. You need to work on why your so angry. Ok so he dumped you (I'm picking), but so what? It's time to get over that. You need to build up your confidence so that even if he turns around and is mean and nasty, it just bounces off your shoulders.

 

You got dumped but who cares? That is the attitude you need to show him.

[TMifune]

Say thank you and then extricate yourself from the situation. Being civil doesn't mean that you have to engage in idle chit-chat with him.

[Clinton]

My ex-wife and I had to be at a lot of functions together for our kids sake. When we interacted, I just remained polite but didn't try and engage her in any more than the bare minimum for conversation.

 

I always figured if she saw she was pissing me off, she won.

 

I could always go home and beat up a pillow after. But i felt it was important to give the outward appearance of being unaffected. And soon enough, it really didn't bug me anymore

[El0t]

Say hello or smile. You don't owe him a conversation, small talk or otherwise. I would clearly communicate to him that you're not in a state to have any sort of unnecessary conversation with him. If he can't respect that, then it's completely in your right to outright ignore him.

[RainyCoast]

it's not "guilt", it's a version of love bombing to work you up into giving him another bullet to shoot you with.

Why would you allow him to do you work related favors? Or allow for any communication that is unnecessary to the work process? You still get upset over things (understandably) and the communication isn't helping you, it's not necessary and it's particularly bothersome when it's an attempt to butter you up for another round of heartbreak or provoke an emotional response. Sharing a workplace is not a hindrance to a clear-cut ending.

[johnnib24]

I work with my ex and what she did I dont know if I could ever be civil with her. I just simply ignore her or pretend shes not around but smile and be happy. There's nothing more needed to be said.

[RainyCoast]

Op, THIS guy: "why is my ex bragging about his life after dumping me"??! For real?? How you owe him anything but a lifetime of ignoring him is beyond me. send him off to jerkville next time he offers to "help".

 

i guess that new chick he had to rub in your face has dumped his sorry posterior and again "he can't be alone" so he's trying to recycle you. told ya

[TMifune]

Op, THIS guy: "why is my ex bragging about his life after dumping me"??! For real?? How you owe him anything but a lifetime of ignoring him is beyond me. send him off to jerkville next time he offers to "help".

 

Is that a real place? There's jerks all around me, could I be in jerkville? Does that mean I'm a jerk? Nooooooooo!!!

[RainyCoast]

LOL, sometimes i think jerkville is this mysterious place that seems to pervade all other space for those who are disillusioned enough to see it go read that thread though if you will- sounds like OP is in for a recycling process.

[captcha45]

hahaha xD Jerkville is too nice of a place for people like that they might even enjoy it haha

 

I dont owe him anything hahaha blocked him on all social media xD email. phone xD

It's just embarassing looking like an angry psycho b**** in front of everybody else xD it's not like they know the background.

[RainyCoast]

hahaha xD Jerkville is too nice of a place for people like that they might even enjoy it haha

 

I dont owe him anything hahaha blocked him on all social media xD email. phone xD

It's just embarassing looking like an angry psycho b**** in front of everybody else xD it's not like they know the background.

 

awwww yessssss good for you!!!!! also, i think when a woman who has always been allright is visibly upset by the ex who keeps approaching her people kind get an idea what it's about. no worries about them.

[HeartGoesOn]

Stop taking the bait, he'll eventually find a new hobby.

[TMifune]

awwww yessssss good for you!!!!! also, i think when a woman who has always been allright is visibly upset by the ex who keeps approaching her people kind get an idea what it's about. no worries about them.

 

I can tell you with certainty that when a man who's always been alright is visibly upset by an ex that keeps approaching him, everyone blames him and and offers no support whatsoever.

[catfeeder]

Stop taking the bait, he'll eventually find a new hobby.

 

Yep. I'd develop a convenient case of amnesia, and I'd treat him as kindly and as vaguely as I would any stranger. I'd play stupid and cheerful, failing to recognize a word he says beyond a civil hello. There's no way that any coworkers would see me fume over 'nothing'--which is what he'd be to me.

 

Head high.

[RainyCoast]

I can tell you with certainty that when a man who's always been alright is visibly upset by an ex that keeps approaching him, everyone blames him and and offers no support whatsoever.

 

um, i would believe that. not sure what it relates to though. from what I gather, it's him making advances at OP, rubbing hurtful pics and details of his newfound happines in her face without her asking and apparently at work he's baiting her with comments he knows full well will agonize her. Not the other way around? They're broken up. Done. She's trying to move on while he is going out of his way to hurt her. He's being quite manipulative and harrasing in fact. And it's nothing new with him, he hasn't "always been alright" judging by OP's threads. Sorry but he's the jerkville native here.

 

Not saying that men don't get a lot of c*ap simply for being men and ppl having a fixed idea of the male being at fault- but I don't see that's the case here.

Also, the focus here is for OP to get over this guy and immunize herself againts his taunting. Firstly by recognizing he's out of line and secondly by keeping him at a distance, consistently.

[TMifune]

It wasn't really relevant to OP's position, I was just opining on the gender difference. Sorta saying be grateful for being on the female side because when he approaches you most people are thinking "Why won't he just leave her alone?" even if she' being cold or outright hostile. While I know it's a workplace, I'm going to call it a "community". I was saying that she's kind of free in a way, because even if she has to be a little rude to get her point accross, people will understand and sympathize with her.

 

If a man were in the similar position with a woman constantly doing the behaviors that her ex is doing, the man would be expected to behave differently and the community would not sympathize and support him. Instead they would attack him and try to shame him for not being over it already. So what I'm really saying is that OP has a little bit of an advantage being female and she doesn't need to be too hard on herself no matter how she sets the boundary. Even if she has a full-on breakdown in the middle of work on some level the community wil understand and support her.