Confused miss my Ex Dont know what todo

[jazn84]

Heres my story, last week my girlfriend of 4 years has moved out to minnesota to live with her "friend" who is her co worker who always seems to be in our picture. Well the last 3 months we have been on and off because she does not know what she wants and says she doesnt have the same feelings for me anymore but at the same time she decides to wear my ring again randomly then take it off on and off and say shes happy only sometimes with me.

Well basically she said she needed time away from me and her parents and she did not want to move anywhere else becuase she had nowhere else togo and if she moved in with family there would be ?s why. This guy shes drove 1500 miles to live with has been causing problems in our relationship and she jus says im insecure and its all in my head about it.

So what really pisses me off is she decides one day out of the blue she moving out there with him without speaking tome about it or seeing what i had to say. She said she told her parents she was doin it and did not ask. So she quits her job and school to go and for some reason actually convinces me its what she needed and not to worry or be afraid of her leaving me for him. BIG MISTAKE.

Everything went well the days before she left and she said she cannot make any promises and I understand because I cant make her. Well I spoke with her on her 2 day trip the whole way and everything sounded real well and it was just a break for her from me thats it. First night she got there she immediately changed. She said she could not speak tome everyday or talk for long and before she left she said I could speak to her anytime I wanted? So I obviosly got angry and we argued and I played the I cannot live without you and would do anything for you lines and she stop picking up the phone which made the fire bigger and that led to me leaving voice messages that I wish I can take back because they were out of anger and wrong.

After I goin insane and callingso much because she would not pick up she calls after not picking up for 3 days. I told her I was sorry and wanted to trust her and give her all the time she needed and she replied in anger "I dont want you to trust me and its over". Then I ask why she changed and she said she was thinkin and its not goin to work. I then ask did she have feelings for who she move out there to live with and she said I dont know. Then I ask have you done anything with him shes says no and then I ask do u want tobe with him? She says I dont know and I got very upset.

My last question was will you be sleeping with him b4 u come back in 2 months and she says I dont know, probally, expect the worst. I know she is saying this all in anger because I was blowing up her phone and leaving nasty messages and I really feel she still loves me even tho she says she doesnt . She is falling for this guy and I want to stop it.

Well her last words were dont ever call me i dont ever want to see you again and that hit me emotionaly and I was at work with my mind not beliving its true. She said I cant be friends with you either and I no idea what i should have said because all of this was unexpected. She always said never to lose hope in us and she would always be there but when there is someone else to lean on she a different person and cold and heartless to my emotions.

Before she left we hung out everyday almost just like we have for the past 4 years and slept together 3 days b4 she left. I want be back with her and this is my first day of the NC rule but I if I keep going, thats what she wants and she might end up sleeping with this guy and will completely break my heart, (we were both our firsts).

Where do I go from here to have her back? I made the mistake saying I will be waiting for her and never lose hope and I have basically told her im her doormat. Should I not call her or give it a week or 2 and then call? I m so in love with her i cant go an hour without thinking of her I need help! Sorry for the long post.

[HeavenLee]

Well, she has asked for no contact. Then give it to her. Trust me, after 4 years she is not going to forget about you. Let her see what she has to lose, really. I'm sure this other guy will turn out to be a jerk.... who tries to get it on with someone who is in a committed relationship anyway? But she did ask for no contact (remember the be careful what you wish for saying?), and you have to respect that, otherwise you really will be her doormat. If she is going to sleep with this guy, there is really nothing you can do about it. Telling her not to will probably just make her angry and push her to it. Your best chance is at having no contact and hope that she realises what she has done before she sleeps with him. Perhaps if you really feel the need to, you can contact her to let her know that you love her very much, are disappointed by her decision, but you wish her well and hope that she is happy. That way your last contact is on a nicer note.

 

She has broken up with you. It doesn't matter whether she said it out of anger or not. She moved so many miles to be with someone else... and says nothing was going on? You've got to be kidding me right? There were feelings there way before she went, and you probably knew it. That is no way to treat someone that you have been with for 4 years. The reason she didn't just break up with you, well you are probably good for a back up in case this doesn't work out for her.

 

It's harsh, but you need to face reality. Give her what she has asked for. No contact. Try to heal and move on.... no that doesn't mean jumping in the sack with someone else. It means dealing with your emotions and trying to accept that as much as it hurts, it is over. Some things just weren't meant to be, no matter how hard we try. You can't control what she does, nor can you convince her that she should be with you... you can only control how you react, so do the best thing for yourself and if it's meant to be, it will be. Time will tell, or it will heal. Be patient.

 

The thing you have in your favour is that you have 4 years of history. So let her miss it. Let her realise what a mistake she's made. Pressuring her will not help you, it is a decision she needs to come to on her own.

 

I wish you the best of luck. I understand how much it must be hurting right now and I'm really sorry for that. Sometimes bad things happen to good people... the reason? Well I haven't figured it out yet, but I'm sure that there is a good reason for everything, and you will come out on top. You just can't see it yet, that's all.

[jazn84]

Thank you for the reply, you said if I wanted to, to call her and let her know im disappointed in her decision and hope she will be happy and love her, when will I call and tell her? Would that let her know I have given up? and I truly dont want to lose hope, that would break the NC, would it help her forget me easier or benefit me to get her back?

More replies would be aprreciated thanks.

[HeavenLee]

There is no point carrying on the hope if she wants the relationship to be over. Of course we always do, but the longer you hold onto her, the longer it will be for you to heal and find real happiness. She made her bed, now she's gotta lie in it. How long will you keep the hope alive? 6 months, a year, 2 years, 3? And then of course when you do admit that there is no hope, then you have to do your healing. That's so much time out of your young life. Time that you could be healing and then moving on to what was really destined for you.... someone who will respect and love you as much as you do them.

 

I think your best option is no contact. And I mean no contact as in not waiting for her to contact you as well. You are young and have so much to look forward to, and sitting around waiting for a call that may never come is just a waste of your time.

 

In order for her to miss you and realise what she's giving up, you have to let her go. If she knows that you are waiting for her to come back, she has no reason to realise the mistake she's made. I was just saying that if you really do have the need to contact her, you should just say that you love her, respect her decision, and that you hope she will be happy - perhaps a letter will be best for some closure - you have said what you needed to, but also accept that she wants it to be over. Yes it does have a bit of finality, but what she said was also very final. I know it's hard, but if you don't move on and do what's best for you, she will continue to string you along and play you like a fiddle because she knows you are in the wings always waiting.

 

I'm sorry that you feel this way. It doesn't seem fair, but you've just got to accept the reality of the situation and do your best to deal with it.

[PrincessLinzay]

Im sorry to hear that all this is happening. Being with someone for that long, it's not easy to forget about them or move forward.

 

I do think that is what you should do though. She moved to another state to live with another man? No matter what she says, that was a serious breach of relationship etiquette, and there was obviously something going on there. I would just take all the things she says at face value.

 

She sounds as though she has little consideration for you or your feelings, and is being quite selfish about everything involved. I would respect the NC, and if she truly wants to, let her contact you. In the meantime, work on moving on. Don't wait for her. Go out and live your life. Surround yourself with the friends who care about you and want your happiness.

 

I know it's hard, and it's going to take time, but you have to think about your own happiness as well!

 

Good Luck, and hang in there.

[jazn84]

Well yesterday I spoke to the person that is closer to her than anyone else other than the one she left me for, her best friend. I told her what was goin on and she could not believe it and she said that is the person she is. She told me my ex has always been that person who is up and down with her feelings and never consistant and irrational. That is exactly right and ever since I v know her she has been emotionaly unstable,cutting, not confident and insecure. I have always been there for her with all her problems no matter where I was and what I was doin and never gave up on her. I put so much time and effort and I even changed myself and my friends to be perfect for her. I feel now I have lost all my confidence and myself and was used until she had someone else.This is why it is so hard for me to let go and take her seriusly . All week I have not been able to sleep or function right and even at the club dancing with 2 girls Im still thinking of her because I am truly in love with her. Today at work I almost broke down and I then did at lunch and have decided to seek professional help. My appointment is tomorrow to see a psychiatrist. I hope this helps me and my friends agree I am emotionally damage from the heartless cold words she has said tome.No one should be treated like this especially the person who cares for her more than anything. I will let you guys know how I will be doing in the next days.

Thanks again

[heloladies21]

my man, your story reminds me of my 1st relationship. same things happened, girl just gets up one day and connects with another man. i said some things i wish i could've taken back but what can you do. i was mad too.

dude, you were willing to do anything for this girl and she disrespects you like that. you need to put an X on it and close that chapter in your life. no contact, which means no phone calls, no emails, no text messages, nothin. and take that time you would have spent on her to make your life better. hit the gym, go shopping, flirt with girls. become a better man and you will find someone who deserves your attention. you're too good for this girl and that's the truth.

[jazn84]

I know you guys are right but for some reason I dont believe she meant the things she said and they were out of anger and I forced her to say it. You see, Iv been reading ALOT about how to get back with your ex and I completely did the wrongs things and it led up to her saying its over and NC. What I should have done was respected what she wanted, and do anything to avoid arguments and act like it was ok what she wanted. I did the exact opposite and I kinda feel I forced the hurtful words out of her mouth by bugging and bugging her. I mean her excuse to go out there was to get away from me and she did tell me not to worry and instead I did and argued with her and she finally couldnt take it and finally gave up on me. I now feel its my fault. Well I do have my reasons tobe angry but I totally acted the wrong way about it and now I do know how to react and what exactly was our problem in our relationship, I put to much pressure on her and argued and argued when I should have listened and respected.Ugh! I wish I can tell her Iv learned so much about myself and what a relationship needs and what I was wrong, she really was tryn to make this relationship work and I did not relise this until these past couple days. It was me not knowing what she needed, she needed me to stop being dependant on her and to stop thinking she was the only thing that made me happy and to stop manipulating her and to stop crying over her. I feel so terrible, it was me and I wish I can tell her, I wish I could have learned all this before she decided to leave because I was blinded and stubborn and did not try hard enough till now to figure out what was wrong. I feel so stupid and I hate myself. I tell my friends what I have learned and what our problems were and they are amazed of how my thoughts are soo different from last week and how they make sense. What can I do, I need to tell her this and let her know I know what our problem was, the first step to getting back is to acknowledge the problems and I have now, and hope its not too late. Help me get back what I lost. I want to call her but I need to respect that she wants the NC, is it ok to get my friends to ask her if we can talk? or atleast leave a voice message? I have a new perspective now and hope its not too late before she falls for that guy she living with.

[HeavenLee]

Jazn84, it is always the tendency of the person left behind to self-blame. It's useless, but it's a natural reaction. The reason you acted like you did was because that's how you felt - and that's how she made you feel. You shouldn't have to cover over your feelings. And if she looked really hard, she would realise that the reason you acted this way was simply because you love her. I'm sure that you are not 100% perfect, none of us are, but a mature relationship involves working on a problem if both parties really want to... not simply saying this is too hard, it's not going the way I want so I'm just gonna bail. It is a two way street, and just one person is very rarely to blame. She could have done more too. She could have respected what you wanted too. Maybe you could have listened to her more, maybe you could have done a thousand things. But the thing is, she disrespected YOU. She moved away to go live with another guy. You mentioned he had been a problem during your relationship, so don't convince yourself that this was a totally innocent move. I don't know about others, but I'd never disrespect my bf like that unless I didn't really care about him.

 

If you have truly changed your way of thinking and want to respect her now.... then take what she said at face value and try to pick yourself up and move on. There is no point analysing what she said and trying to figure out whether she meant it or not. The facts are, she said she wanted to end it, has asked for no contact, all in the confines of another guys house. If she realises she made a mistake, she may come back one day.... but if you really want that to happen, your best bet is to let her go. There is no point trying to convince her or get her to change her mind... if it is going to happen, it will only be because she wants it to be that way. No one can really realise what they have lost until they lose it. So let her go. Don't try to contact her, respect her wishes. And don't get friends involved, chances are it will only anger her more.

 

Go hang out with friends, keep busy and try not to dwell too much - allow yourself some time and space to heal. It's not going to be easy, and it's never pleasant.... but it's all a part of life. You will become a much stronger and wiser person... and even if she does come back one day, you may not want her then. You may have realised that you are worth much more than she can give you...

[heloladies21]

Dude, you are way off base. This girl disrespected you hard and I'd be pretty mad if some girl did the same thing to me. Don't regret telling her how you feel because as a man you have to act like a man and let her know when something bothers you. She moved 1500 miles away for no reason and the only thing that should tell you is that she isn't serious about you. It's nothing you said or did, it's just her decision. Most likely this dude was giving her attention while you 2 were together, and in that case you really need to drop her. If she realizes that she made a mistake, she knows exactly how to get a hold of you so relax in the mean time. Take the love you spent on her and spend it on yourself. You didn't force her to do anything so don't blame yourself. There's better out there for you.

[Hope75]

I hate to say it, but this doesn't look good at all.

 

She quit her job and school to move away with this guy. If she needed space from you she wouldn't need to move away and move in with someone else.

 

I think she is confused but def. playing you here. I think she has every intention of dating this other guy and probably more, and just doesn't know how or doesn't want to let you go. She wants to have her cake and eat it too, this isn't fair!

 

I think in this case it is wise to take her actions before her words.

 

She left and moved in with someone else.

 

I would continue NC with her, and do what you can to forget her and move on. The only way you will be able to do this is NC.

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, this just seems very wrong to me and I don't like what she did to you, but based on her actions I'd say her message is crystal clear: I am choosing to be with the other guy.

 

Good luck and be strong.

[panchala23]

hey read my post in healing after break up, i am going through something very similar to you, and i am about the same age as you. i also have a lot of the same thoughts you are going through, our stories are oddly similar. message me if you need to talk, because I am always looking to talk about it hahaha

[jazn84]

I just wanted to let you guys know how im doin. Well its been exactly 2 weeks on NC and man was it hard! I have been having severe anxiety and I had this really bad attack 5 days ago and relized I have to get my self together! I really felt like I was goin to die and I cant let myself have a attack like that again.

 

Things have been getting easier for me and I have learned to control my emotions better. I relized being a baby about the whole thing blew it. Iam now working on myself to be stronger and to be happy without her and if things work out it would be great but I cant force it to. I have found out she is coming back in April and that guy is not thank god!

 

Now, I know I must focus on myself but I still want to work things out with her teh right way. I know I cant rush or pressure her and must be only a friend and show her the new person I am now. My questions what to do now are:

 

1 Should I call her in 2 months and break contact and keep it short and just see hows shes doin and do not talk about "us"?

 

2 Keep NC and tell her friends (my friends too)when she calls them to say Im doin real good ( and Iam on that path) and say I said "Hi" ?

 

3 Send a letter I wrote in 2 months, which is non pressuring and about me saying Im sorry and just want tobe friends and things will work out if meant tobe.(my friends say I should send it and its really nice and sincere but not too soon)

 

4 Contact her when she gets back in April, let her have her space now and show her the new me when she gets back .

 

5 Continue NC and move on and if she ever contacts me do everything Iv learned and get her back the right way if I still want her.

[HeavenLee]

Hi again!

 

Good to see you're staying strong, despite how difficult it is.

 

One thing that I noticed though, is that you still seem to be blaming yourself. I don't understand why. She made the decision, and the way you reacted was perfectly understandable from someone that loves her. However, I find her behaviour to be selfish, immature and disrespectful. So if anyone needs to do some soul searching and change their ways, it would be her I would think.

 

Honestly, my opinion is to keep with the no contact and let her contact you if she ever feels the need, if not, keep on movin' on. I think she has alot more to prove to you, than you to her. Let her do the chasing and the apologising. You have nothing to be sorry for as far as I can see.

 

Keep on trying to heal yourself. You will be okay. I can only hope a new girl comes along to really knock your socks off, and will appreciate how much you love her, not dissrespect you and go move in with another guy.

 

Good luck!!!

[jazn84]

Thanks again Heavenlee, I really am tryn to stay NC and its just wondering whats she doin with the new guy hurts! I know whats keeping me in there is believing shes not doin anything and I know its not the right mentality but Im telling myself still be prepared for the worse but keep faith in her.

What do you think about 4- Keep NC and tell her friends (my friends too)when she asks them how Iam doin tell them to say Im doin real good ( and Iam on that path) and say I said "Hi" to her.

^^ I was thinking this is a good way to hint her Im doin well and becoming independent again like I was before when she met me but are there any drawbacks of this? Would it be breaking NC?

[jazn84]

Shes dating the guy already i found out today OMG everyone says its rebound and Im sooo ANGRY!!!!

[brando]

I feel your pain. I am new here, but i am recently divorced. She wanted the spousectomy i had no choice. Feel your anger but dont react. Don't let her see it. Take care of you, focus on you, that is the most crucial thing you need to do. Hang in their, this too will pass.

[lawandorder]

well, here is my 2 cents. Now I am going through a deal like this too. But anyway. In the past relationships and this is just me but.... I have dated alot of girls. Now I have broken up with some of them and I have been dumped too. this time I am being dumped and it sucks. LOL But in my past life every girl I dated after dumping or being dumped it never worked. I have yet see a rebound relationship last to long. From my past I have always seen the one that does the rebound come back. Now you decide what to do with the offer. But I have also seen alot of people cheat on the other and then leave the one they are with and date the one they were cheating with. Most of the time if they will cheat with you they will cheat on you. So the NC works alot of the time to make it harder for them to get you, but dont make it impossible. If that can be done. This is just some advice from my past. I know your pain ohhh to well and sorry to hear you are going through this too.

[jazn84]

Thankyou for the replies, This makes it so much harder for me now I feel my 3 weeks of NC have been for nothing. I did take this better than I thought I would and Iam stronger controling my emotions and only made onlya couple holes in the wall. I cant believe someon can do this and it explains why my ex was so cold and heartless tome the day she got there. I really hope this is a rebound and it kills me everything she said tome b4 she left like "dont worry im not leaving you for him" and other stuff was total BS. God! this is the worst thing that I feared and now that I know its true, I really do feel my last 4 years with her were for waste and all the knowledge I have learn I will never be able to use when she gets back to. Iam goin to try my hardest to not think about this and wonder the things shes doin with him that she use to do with me. Its so crazy you really think you know someone then you dont, and her best friends cant believe this either they all say this is not her and shes dealing with it the wrong way.They told me to ride it out and wait til she gets home and see where all this stands because no one knows whats really happening out there. My hope has now dwindled to almost nothing but Iam continuing to move on and be strong, shes my first and im hers and its killing me i think shes sleeping with him but everyone says if they are goin out it doesnt necessarly mean it but i know she wouldnt sleep with him unless there goin out and they are now. How can she jump into another relationship a in less than a week we broke up? How can she drop me for him? I wish I can wake up and this be a dream! I should have let her know how it feels tobe alone when she was here like my frineds said and stop being there as a security blanket. The things she said tome like " I am goin to sleep with him b4 I get back and I want you out of my life" now seems like it is true and it wasnt just anger. You guys said to take it at face value and she really meant it. I thought I went thru the worst part already now this happens and it cant get any worse than this can it?

[brando]

Again, i feel your pain. People do what they want to do, regardless of others around them. Taking things personally is so hard to avoid in these situations. But you need to try not to do this. Some people need other people in an unhealthy way. Why your ex did what she did really does not matter. We do our best with the tools we have, or the skills we have. Sometimes we make the wrong choices, sometimes the right ones. I know it is vague, but their isn't much more to say. Take what you want and leave the rest. The more you dwell on her and what she is doing, the further you are from healing your self. I have been where you are, it is a dark place, but their is light, their is hope, and i am not impling she'll be back in your arms. I know it is a hard pill to swallow, sometimes that is just the way it goes. It doesn't make you any less of a person. Just watch your thoughts, that is all they are, you don't have to believe them all.

 

Keep posting. Their is a great deal of information on these boards. Everyone here has experienced what you are going through, you will get through this whole ordeal. Be gentle with your self, be forgiving with your self, that is the best advice i can offer, i hope it helps.

[jazn84]

Well today I was doin ok at work but I did a hour of research on rebound relationships and feel alot better about my situation now. Iv learn after a long significant relationship the worst thing todo is to jump right into another one as my ex did. She thinks this is goin to solve all her problems buts its not, shes using him to replace me and continuing to rely on someone emotionaly which was me. Shes the one who isnt independent and I think she had the right intentions for us to get away and work on ourselve which I have been doin and I do feel alot stronger and Im learning how to be alone again, and shes the one NOT .

 

I relized everytime we use to break up she would always be crawling back because she doesnt know how tobe alone. This new relationship she has now I am pretty sure it will not work and my friends agree too. She ran away to get away from work, family, me and to take time for herself, Well she is but shes not focusing on herself to heal and learn how tobe alone and stronger. Im gonna leave her alone now and let her learn herself and when our problems in our relationship turn up in her new one shes gonna get real hurt. And you guys are right I have history behind me, no one can completely stop loving someone they have been with for 4 years in one week.

 

Her impulsive behavior to quit everything and move 1500 miles away out of the blue and jump into another relationship while suppose tobe have time single or alone is rushing their relationship so fast.Iv read things can seem perfect for hem in a rebound relatinship but soon issues shes had before come back because she never solved them. When she gets back she wont have all the attention shes having out there because she wont be living or working with him nomore I believe, but then agin if shes goin out im not sure if hes staying out there or not ugh!.

 

This experience has made me stronger and I still love her but I gotta let her be and let her do whats she thinks is right for her which everyone believes is WRONG. Thankyou everyone for the advice and help and I will keep you guys updated. I am the person getting better with myself from this break up.

[jazn84]

Well today I found out my ex isnt comin back till June now so there is absolutly no chance for me anymore. Iam havin got to move on now and the reason shes comin back in June is because her new BF cant get time off to come back in April cuz she doesnt want to drive back 1500 miles alone. My chapter with my first love is now over, I have thought about callin but everyone is right, im too good for this and dont deserve someone like this.

[HeavenLee]

Hey!

 

I'm so sorry to hear of all this news. You must be feeling pretty crushed at the moment.

 

Unfortunately it's all a part of life. Sometimes it doesn't seem fair that bad things happen to good people, but you just have to believe that everything happens for a reason.

 

Work on grieving and healing now. One day, when you least expect it, you will know why this had to happen... and you will be thankful.

 

And you're right, you do deserve so much more. Remember that when you are feeling down.

 

Best wishes to you... be good to yourself.

[brando]

jazn84

 

Sorry. HeavenLee is right though. Things do happen for a reason. It may not be before you today, bt it will. One door closes and another opens. Hang in their. Keep posting. Be well.

[jazn84]

Thank you guys for the support, I do not want her back anymore but Iam curious how do you guys think there new fast pace relationship of working and living together will turn out? Is this a rebound? will they get sick of eachother? Shes is distracting herself with him and thats why she has completely changed from the person I knew up to her drive up there. Everyone says she setting up herself to get hurt and her new BF is a huge flirt with a long history of dating coworkers.

How are their chances of having a sucessful realtionship? And I cant wait till he learns how pycho and insecure she is.