Getting over guilt of not wanting to communicate with an ex

[brigirl92]

So I thought I'd make a post that might be helpful or insightful to anyone dealing with a breakup.

 

I'm glad to say that five months post my breakup I'm in a much better head space. I'm not where I want to be yet in other aspects of life, but that is for a whole nother post in a different forum. I've made an immense amount of progress when it comes to my breakup.

 

I'm no longer harping over what could have been. I see clearly as to why breaking up was the best decision for the both of us. The feelings aren't lingering or even there. He's just someone I shared a segment of my life with, albeit a wonderful segment, and nothing more. I feel like I've come to terms with it all and because of that life has been 1000x easier in that respect.

 

Well I'm making this post specifically for anyone who may feel guilty for cutting of communication with an ex due to an ex expressing the fact that they would like to continue to be friends. In my personal experience my breakup was very amicable, although I was on the dumpee end. In the following months of our split my ex continued to express how much he'd like to keep me in his life as a friend regardless of splitting. And I was okay with that initially. I figure if there was no hard feelings between us, why not? We had a good relationship all the way up to the end, why cut him out of my life? But it began to backfire.

 

The more we remained in communication, the more I reflected on the past. The more I reflected on the past, the more I miss what we once had. The more I miss what we once had, the more I became trapped in the position of not moving on. I was remaining stagnant. Eventually I had to do what I had to do; I had to ask me ex for space.

 

I felt really guilty about it as if I was in the wrong. As if it was a crime for me to do something that would better my outlook on things. I felt bad for cutting someone out of my life who meant so much to me. I especially felt bad since he adamantly expressed he'd like to remain friends and he was always a genuine individual towards me. It hurt me to tell him I didn't want to communicate with him.

 

But Several weeks passed without talking to my ex and it like my thoughts did a 180. The feelings were still there but they began to wither a way. My ex reached out once to expressed again that he'd like to be friends, although I requested he didn't contact me until I felt comfortable contacting him, but I didn't budge. I was cordial with him, but I was not willing to sacrifice the progress I made with dealing with our breakup. I was feeling the results of putting my needs first and it was an amazing feeling. Cause honestly I wasn't putting myself first by remaining in friendship just because my ex expressed he wanted to keep me in his life if all that would result from it is me not healing from our breakup.

 

Several more weeks pass, and the no communication comes with ease. I have no desire to reach out to him, to see what he's up to, etc. This is a great feeling for me. (Although I did wish him a happy birthday with zero expectations and again kept it extremely short and cordial). I'm seeing that I'm perfectly fine without having this person in my life. To me, that is the ultimate sign of getting over a breakup and I'm happy for that.

 

I'm saying all of this to say that you shouldn't feel guilty for cutting off communication with an ex if that is what's going to help you heal. Don't feel guilty if someone wants you in their life, but having them in your life doesn't really benefit you. Do what is going to help you heal. It doesn't matter how great your ex is, how amicable the split is etc. It's been since February since I asked my ex to not contact me, and save a couple small exchanges, it is the best decision I've made for me.

 

I think this is the MAJOR thing that helped me get over that guilt. When my ex dumped me, he was choosing to remove me from his life as a girlfriend. No matter how good his intentions were, it is NOT his choice to choose in what capacity he gets to keep me in his life. That choice is mine. If making the decision to breakup with me was what he deemed most beneficial for his life, why would it be wrong of me to make the decision to not communicate with him or be his friend if it isn't beneficial to my life? I shouldn't feel guilt in that. No one should feel guilt in that, no matter how good things were.

 

I'm sorry but I ramble a lot. But I say this to say choosing not to keep my ex in my life has helped me in the end. I don't feel guilty anymore because you can never go wrong when you put yourself first. You have to TOTALLY disregard what your ex wants and figure out what you want. If your ex wants to communicate and it isn't helping you, you have to express that. Sometimes we want to avoid conflict or "keep the peace" when doing so hinders our growth. Do what will help you grow.

[lowtide42long]

How long were you together and how old are you and he? My ex did this no contact thing but we still had house property business etc.. It had tragic effects upon me financially and emotionally in the year I was to retire. It destroyed me but I rebounded financially but not emotionally. I was diagnosed with a terminal illness and she did not have the compassion to see how I was. So please look at all the info because maybe that growth has destroyed some one that really does care about you. Mature love is not just a thump thump in the chest.

[kbbcoop77]

Low tide did you dump her or she dump you? I think the OP is correct from the dumpees standpoint. My ex wife dumped me so it's my choice whether to answer her texts or emails or phone calls. Her choice so she doesn't get the "shoulder to cry on" from me or words of advice either.

[lowtide42long]

I do not know your situation totally kbb but I have and still feel your pain. If the ex was to ask to come back and was truly seeking to reconcile then why not give another chance. I was dumped released deserted what ever you call it. There were issues as any marriage encounters. A short term high school relationship is much different than when you are late 40 s early 50s and there are houses businesses and retirements at stake. The effects are much more damaging. But I still would take reconcilliation over being proud or angry if it was possible. To many divorces and to much suffering inthis world. Read some of my other posts and you will understand my friend. The whole life is to short and be happy all the time has made it easy to just walk away and play the victim. Look at the news each day and see how this disposable society creates and compounds this.

[patterned]

Thank you for this post I was just now considering these questions you're answering.

[Lysflower]

I totally agree with the OP. Unless the break-up is mutual, in most situations the dumper makes a decision for 2 people without consulting the dumpee. If dumpers have the right to unilaterally decide to remove their bf/gf from their life as romantic partner, they should understand that equally dumpees have the right to decide whether it is in their best interest to keep them in their life altogether. Granted that some dumpers genuinely want to remain friends after the BU but quite often they are simply fooling themselves into believing they are letting you down easy that way. Not to mention dumpers who want to keep you close as plan B or for an occasional ego boost. Essentially, a dumper who has any ounce of respect and care for the dumpee will leave their ex alone if that's their wish. The rest is just disrespect and selfishness. Thank God my ex belongs to the "right" dumper category.

[itsallgrand]

Good for you.

[brigirl92]

How long were you together and how old are you and he? My ex did this no contact thing but we still had house property business etc.. It had tragic effects upon me financially and emotionally in the year I was to retire. It destroyed me but I rebounded financially but not emotionally. I was diagnosed with a terminal illness and she did not have the compassion to see how I was. So please look at all the info because maybe that growth has destroyed some one that really does care about you. Mature love is not just a thump thump in the chest.

 

I apologize lowtide as I am just now seeing this months after the fact but I'll answer your questions.

 

I was 22 and he was 29. My situation is a lot different from yours as I wasn't as committed as your were. We weren't married and dated for about a year. We lived together, and which I eventually had to move back home.

 

Honestly I feel like no contact has an exception when there is business/logistics to still be taken care of. For example in this time of not contacting my ex, the exception was when I needed to reach out to him about getting my things out of his storage, letting him know I got my things in one piece, etc. I contacted to handle business, and nothing else. I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through this since you shared property, a business, etc. A line of communication should have been open for that.

 

I read your other comment below about being proud/prideful but I'll respond to that here. Me choosing to not communicate with him isn't me being prideful or proud. My intent to not communicate with him has 100% to do with my healing process and 0% with ill intentions towards him. As you can see I did wish him a happy birthday. I wish him nothing but the best, but I'm just not comfortable with being friends.

 

Again I'm sorry to hear your ex didn't reach out to you after being diagnosed with a terminal illness. I don't know him/her or their intentions, but honestly I would have reached out to mine given those circumstances. Maybe I didn't express it well enough, but I don't have any ill intent when it comes to not contacting my ex. And since there isn't ill intent, a grudge, hard feelings there, I shouldn't feel guilty for doing something for my personal growth.

 

All in all, I really hope things have gotten better for you in the past months and you're in better health.