Six days post break up and I don't feel like I will make it through it.

[bmars87]

Some info may be repeated from a previous post. Basically my boyfriend of 9 months woke up Monday morning, sat me down on the couch and told me he wasn't happy, hadn't been happy in a long time, felt he needed to do something about it so he got an apartment in a different city about 20 minutes away and he was moving out that day and was then gone within the hour. There was no yelling, name calling, blaming, anything of that nature. He did not ask for no contact, he instead told me if I needed anything to call or text him. We hugged, kissed , and said I love you. I haven't gotten very much sleep over the last week, I sleep with my phone right beside my head just in case he texts. I don't want to miss it. I wake up every hour thinking I'm hearing the playstation turn off and that he's coming to bed, or I wake up and see my phone flashing and my heart stops because I think its him when its really not and then I am so disappointed. I hear a door shut and I think its him and of course its not so I am sad. I don't think I have ever cried this much, even when I was going through my divorce. I will just be sitting here and randomly start crying. If someone attempts to talk to me, I cry. I look at my dog, and I cry. I can't watch tv because I cry, I try and play games on my phone in between his texts and I cry. I try and read and I cry because I realize that I am distracting myself from real life problems. A few people have offered me to do things with them to keep me distracted but I a) don't have energy to do those things, b ) don't want to see or talk to anyone but him and c ) I feel the need to make myself available to him 24/7 and therefore decline any opportunities even though they are few and far between. I shower and keep a towel next to the tub in case he texts so I can dry my hands real quick and respond. During a 15 minute shower I probably stick my head out at least 15 20 times to see if the notification alert has changed color since I wouldn't be able to hear the text over the sound of running water. I've taken the dog for a walk, and I went to get a coffee with someone and I sat in a park for four hours ( the first hour was spent reading, the next three hours were spent literally sitting there doing absolutely nothing but staring at my phone ) I didn't want to do any of those things but I felt the panicky sick anxious nervous depressed feeling getting worse, and so I did. It didn't help.

 

We have been in contact every day, but I feel that it is not enough. He asked for a few days to clear his head and to consider my suggestion of staying together but living separately. I have been trying to give him his few days that he asked for, I really have but I cannot physically not text him. It takes everything in me not to blow up his phone when he doesn't respond. Sometimes he will hold a conversation with me and text consistently and others he will take 4-5 hours to get back to me. Yesterday for example he waited almost five hours to text me back. Most normal people would think okay, he's busy or okay he's doing something that he can't text me back right now, he will when he can.. Not me.. I immediately feel panicky and sick to my stomach, I jump to the conclusion that he is either ignoring me on purpose, has blocked my number, hes injured or dead or he's angry. Then he text me like five hours later, and none of those things had occurred. He told me he had spent the afternoon grocery shopping, and getting things for his apartment and we continued to talk for the rest of the evening. Inside, I feel like if I don't keep in contact with him that he will immediately forget about me, or won't see that I want him to consider the option of us staying together. This morning at six I couldn't get back to sleep, I literally had to lay on my hands for at least an hour so that I wouldn't text him. I told myself if he doesn't text by 8:30, then you can text him... I got to 8:15 and I couldn't hold off any longer.. It felt like every minute passing was an hour long. I have probably called my mother at least 50 times in the last week since this happened. I call her and she answers the phone and I am either in a full fledged sob and she can't understand a word I am saying, or I am having an anxiety attack and she can hear me trying to catch my breathe and she tries to talk me out of it.

 

He's made suggestions to me to try and keep myself distracted, one of those was watching netflix on the playstation. Well, he use to be the one who always used it so I turned it on ( not wanting to actually watch anything, but wanting to pass the time since time seems to be so frozen ) and it wouldn't work. That was Wednesday. He said he had to hook it up to his tv , with his cables in order to change the settings back. He offered to pick it up from me Friday and would return it saturday, I agreed .Then a few moments later he said or we can go to Midway ( an arcade ) and I can do it after. That was great, I was so happy and grateful about that. Knowing that I was going to get to see him in two days was the only thing that got me through those two days.

 

During our texts at the end of the night I always tell him that I hope he is safe, that I hope he has a good night and that I love him. He usually responds telling me that he loves me too, tells me to have sweet dreams. sometimes I say I hope to hear from you soon and he says you will. If I add a heart or emoticon he usually will too. We ended up going out to Midway on Friday like he had asked. I wore the dress that I wore on our first date. He told me I looked nice, he hugged me and kissed me when he got here. I got a little emotional and cried while we hugged but I forced it to stop because I wanted to enjoy the time I had with him.

 

He took me to his apartment, he hugged and kissed me again. This time while he was holding me he kind of got choked up and said " this is a *name of city* apartment, this is what you get for $600 and I could tell he was just as sad as I was. I started crying again, told him as happy I was to actually see where hes staying, to know that its not a total dive I was just as sad and distraught to know that hes there because of me, to know that I was the one who pushed him to there. He told me not to feel like he's there because of me, not to think that way and asked me to cheer up.

We had dinner, it was the first time I'd eaten in days. He paid. He told me if I found myself struggling with bills next month to let him know and he would help as much as he could. I told him I would never ask him for money and he assured me he wanted to help because he still cares about me.

Dinner conversation didn't touch on our relationship. We went to the arcade, we had a good time. I was sad because all I wanted to do was to grab his hand or hold on to him, I slipped once and called him babe but neither of us corrected it. On the way back to my place I started to cry because I knew the night was ending and I didn't know when I would see him again. We didn't talk about our relationship though, he just told me that I need to be strong and patient and we need to enjoy the time we have together and the conversations we have, he asked me to promise him that I would start to eat and sleep again. I told him I couldn't make that promise.

 

I told him I had written him a letter ( its 15 pages I didn't tell him that part ). I told him I was scared to give it to him because I don't want to cause any damage and that I am trying to respect his space but at the same time I had to be fair to myself and give myself the chance to tell him everything and let myself vent. I told him its raw, filled with emotion and very personal. He told me he knew if he was to read it that night that I wouldn't get any sleep so that he would wait and let me know when he had read it. He still has not told me if he has read it or not. If it was me getting a letter, I'd of read it front to back five times on the side of the road before I even made it home. I couldn't NOT read a letter like that. I couldn't just have it sitting there staring me in the face not knowing what was inside.

 

I'm struggling to understand why someone who just broke up with someone would bring them to their apartment, continue to talk to them and tell them that they love them, hug them and kiss them, ask them out on a date, offer to help with bills, etc etc would do that if they WEREN'T considering mending the relationship? Would someone really do this just to make themselves feel better about dumping the other person? I mean, he hasn't told me that he doesn't want to mend the relationship... but he also hasn't told me that he does... I feel like I am stuck in limbo, and I do not want to come out and ask him because I do not want to push him but just waiting for him to tell me is not doing me any good either. My mother told me I am my own worst enemy.

[mhowe]

because they feel guilty. He constructed his getaway without letting you know nor consult. He has basically taken the cowards way out of breaking up with you. He lives 20 minutes away and now controls your access to him.

[LovelyDani87]

The worse feeling after a break up is waiting for a text or a call.. it's heart breaking. It only takes one second to respond to a text whether your grocery shopping, apartment hunting etc. Most people are constantly looking at their phones every other minute. So let that be your first hint to stop contacting so much. He has your number and he has seen your texts. The moment you stop initiating contact he may start to wonder what's going on and if not that doesn't reflect anything on you as a person. Give your self time to grieve without involving him, take a step back from the daily communication with him and just breathe. Let him reach out to you. My ex is currently getting to know someone and in the beginning it drove me crazy but you can't stop a single person wanting to do single things. I know it hurts so much but you two are no longer obligated to each other. He doesn't have to call or reply to texts and the same goes for you. Do not make yourself available to him every single minute, that's only helping him cope faster while you are hurting inside. Your mom is right. During times like this we are definitely our own worse enemy. Our exes are not hurting us, we are hurting ourselves by lingering the pain, seeking answers and wondering what they are up to. Healing takes time and you owe yourself some time to heal. The expectations for you two as a couple no longer exist. Don't beat yourself. Slowly accept what has happened, it's ok to grieve as long as you need to but the longer you try to keep in touch with every day the longer it's going to take to cope with the end of the relationship. Stay strong!

[Lysflower]

Sounds like he had been preparing his way out for a long time without involving you at all and giving you both a chance to work things out. If he thought it would be better for him and for your RS to live on his own he would have explained it to you as opposed to having you face a fait accompli. So unless I have missed something I don't think he has any intention to reconcile with you and is keeping you at reach out of guilt and just in case he eventually changes his mind. That is definitely not fair on you.

 

It is in your best interest right now to go NC and if he reaches out to you to explain to him in a kind but firm way that you need to be on your own to think things through, work on yourself; and are only interested in reconciliation if it is genuinely what he wants. He will leave you alone if he has any sort of respect for you and your feelings. You might actually realise after a few weeks of NC that despite your feelings for him you actually don't want to be with someone who has behaved in such a cowardly manner.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but from what I read I am not sure he deserves all the attention you are giving him.

[bmars87]

This is the part that I struggle with. Not only do I not want no contact, I literally feel like I would not last through an entire day without it. Physically, mentally, emotionally everything. I feel dead inside. I feel like my bones are crumbling away, that my organs are failing and that I can't breathe. Everyone tells me to work on myself, find things to make me happy, etc etc. I don't want those things. I am not the " strong independent woman" type. I need someone in my life. I need someone reassuring me of things, I need someone to lay with me at night, to hold my hand down the street, to cook for, to do laundry for. I am always the nurturing type and without having someone to do those things for, I feel useless.

[bmars87]

The way he decided to break up with me, was not favorable by any means. But I understand his reasonings behind doing it that way. He has been in situations where he has brought up not being happy with the relationship and the person he was with decided to kick him out and throw his stuff out on the front yard with nowhere for him to go. He did not want a repeat of this happening. Also he said he didn't think it was do any good to tell me when he was first looking at the apartment ( a week prior ) and then us live together for the next week knowing he was leaving. He is also not the best at communicating and keeps his feelings inside.

[Hermes]

Bmars. What you describe is serious. And it NOT about being nurturing. It is about neediness, and that is bad. Wanting a relationship is a very different thing from NEEDING one to make you feel whole.

 

"The strong independent woman" is a stereotype. It is not a case of one thing or the other.

 

Your terror springs from the neediness. The first person to be nurtured is yourself. Love yourself first, and then you will attract healthy relationships, not a relationship which advertises as " housekeeper, cook, laundress and general dogsbody required".

[greta96]

This is one cruel guy!

In a way, I can see why he did what he did. Your relationship sounds very unhealthy on your part, you basically made him the center of your Universe, and that's a heavy burden to carry for anyone, him included. Nobody wants to be their partner's everything, it is always best when both partners have their own lives and complement each other, instead of depending on one another. You basically are not functioning without him, and that must have worn him off and made him feel like he couldn't breathe. I have a feeling he acted the way he did, secretly planning his get away, because he knew he wouldn't have been able to reason with you, had he told you his plans, he must have known and feared your reaction. He clearly needed space, and the more you refuse to give it to him, the farther away you'll push him.

 

The reason I'm saying he's cruel is not because he left you, but because once he did, he should have gone strict N/C. Keeping in touch with you, taking you out, telling you that he loves you, kissing and hugging you, all these are only preventing you from starting your healing process and giving you false hope. This relationship is done, he was clearly unhappy and decided he could no longer continue that kind of life. But his actions after he left are basically leading you on. I'm sure part of him is worried about you, knowing he was your whole life, but part of him is being selfish, he's using you to make his own transition easier. The problem with this is that while keeping you in limbo and hoping, he continues his process of moving on and distancing himself from you, and a few months later you will find yourself still crying and hurting, while he will start hanging out with friends, meeting other women and eventually will enter a new relationship, at which point you will be devastated.

 

I don't know if there's any point in me telling you that you should go N/C, even though that's the only thing you can do, if you want to heal at some point. You don't sound strong enough to cut ties, and I really think you should see someone, to help you deal with your own issues. What you're doing, the obsessive phone checking, the constant texting, are not healthy, and you need to fix that, maybe even get some medication for your anxiety, so you're not as needy and obsessive in your next relationship. You just can't be in another relationship before fixing yourself first, because it will end the same way. You have to become your own person, and not get attached to the guy to this extreme. Hurting and mourning a relationship is normal, breakups are never easy, but the extent to which you're taking your grief is concerning and needs professional attention.

[Hermes]

Well, well, Bmars.

Good for the sensible, emotionally healthy person or persons who turfed him out into the yard.

 

You are not a one-woman charitable organization.

[Hermes]

Greta's advice is from the heart and honestly, Bmars, please listen to what she is saying.

[LovelyDani87]

Please stop making excuses for this guy and his reasoning for planning probably weeks in advance of him leaving. And stop pitying yourself. You are basically saying you are going to curl up into a fetal position and die without this guy in your life. You will survive! The best thing you can do now is to work on becoming mentally independent! I know how you feel, I really do. After my break up I went through my work days like a zombie and cried every single night when I got in my car. So I know you are hurting but you have to be strong and stop doubting your self worth. Hang in there!

[melancholy123]

Greta gave you such good advice and I hope you pay attention to what she said. If you cannot or will not make a permanent break from this guy then you should consider counselling. Your obsession and relentless contact and fussing and fretting about this guy will wear you down to the ground, and you sound like you are pretty close to there already. What you are doing is not healthy for yourself. The guy likely knew how you'd overreact and no wonder he waited till the last minute to tell you he was leaving. Your neediness is not good or healthy. You need to learn to stand on your own two feet and how to have a good and healthy relationship with the next man in your life. Until you get control of yourself, this won't happen. Being desperate never got anyone anywhere.

[lilygirl]

Did you know that heartbreak is like an addiction? It is very difficult to get over and very hard to control, especially in the early days as it is like withdrawal. When I received advice after my last break up, intellectually it all made sense but it didn't make any sense to my heart.

 

I agree that you should not be spending time with him or contacting him. I know that you are looking for relief but trust me when I tell you, it will not come from him. Reaching out to him provides you a temporary distraction from the pain, it is nothing to be ashamed of as many of us have done that, but you must not continue as you will feel regret later. What helped me deal with the overwhelming feeling of heartache was to deal with it in manageable chunks. For example, after the break up I couldn't feel mad even though I had every right to be, I couldn't face the thought of never speaking to or seeing him again etc... it was all too much to face and absorb and the anxiety of looking at the big picture in the early days was unbearable at times.

 

So what I did was first things first. I didn't reach out to him. Not once. Sometimes it felt like hour by hour, but it did get easier with time. Just try to do this one thing for now. I know it seems impossible but you must try your best. When you are tempted, remind yourself that he cannot make you feel any better. It will be for immediate gratification only, think of it like a smoker who is trying to quit, they may surrender to the craving and have a cigarette and that cigarette will provide an excellent hit, but it will be short lived as the regret will come soon after.

 

I agree with Greta, I think there are other issues at work here and in time they will need to be addressed, but for now, if I were you, I would focus on one thing at a time, and that is to break off contact.... starting now. If your ex contacts you, no need to cause alarm or play any games, I would just tell him that you need a time out to process all that has happened in the last week or so. I would bet that he will be supportive and respectful of your need to do this. Focus on not contacting him, and this only, when your mind starts racing with "what if, what about, if I just say one more thing... etc" do what you have to to quiet this part of your brain, for me it was exercise. During my break up I read here many, many times that people used exercise as a way of coping, and at the time I thought "ya right" as I had never exercised consistently in my life, but when the anxiety became too much, it was the only thing that worked. Like you I couldn't eat or sleep, exercise offered the only reprieve.