It must be me

[akrngrl]

I'm feeling really down on myself lately. Since entering the dating game my perspectives have changed a lot and I'm realizing the whole thing is more of a gray area than black and white.

 

Initially I was meeting one guy at a time and talking a ton beforehand, overanalyzing everything and then being crushed when it didn't work. I nixed the huge text convos beforehand to avoid "false connections", started looking at the first date as more of a casual meet up just to see if we could get along in person and started talking/going on first dates with as many guys as possible that I thought fit what I wanted. I never thought I'd do the latter, but I upgraded to the paid version of the dating site I'm on so I figured why not do all I can with the membership. I also realized that I become heavily invested in the person when it's just one so having more dates (coupled with minimal texting) keeps me from beating myself up when it doesn't work out.

 

I want a long term committed relationship and now only answer or initiate conversations with guys who are looking for the same thing. I'm currently learning the hard way that just because they want a relationship doesn't mean they want it with me, regardless of how much fun we have or what chemistry I think is there (that's the hard part).

 

What hurts me now is after the first date and they seem totally smitten and ask me out on the spot for a second date and after that second date or more (which is usually longer in duration) they just lose interest in me.

 

The people I work with are older, and are pretty disappointed in me that I'm going on so many dates and have told me to "stop looking and you'll be surprised."

 

My only issue with that is where I live now is basically the middle of no where. Online I'm looking for guys in the DC area which is a far trek when I'm going to see someone, let alone to just drive there by myself and hang around "hoping" to meet people (I feel like that would be what looks super desperate). I have a lot of hobbies, but they're all very independent and can/have to be done from my apartment (graphic/web design, knitting, I run a handmade business so sewing and whatnot). I also don't have many friends here that can/want to go out (all my co-workers are great but they're all married with kids so it's not like they're free to go out with a mid 20 year old, notttt that there is a whole lot to do out this way). Hobby-wise, I like the way I am and I've never had a problem with it (even if other people have) EXCEPT when it comes to the issue of meeting people (unless I'm going to bump into my next BF in the target parking lot, which hey I guess could happen, but let's be realistic) I'm not getting much social interaction with the opposite gender out this way.

 

I feel like a lot of people are calling me that desperate for a BF girl who is constantly pounding the pavement for a man. I'm sure thats how it looks, but I am extremely independent. However, I'm ready and looking for a partner and someone to enjoy my time and build something with someone.

 

I dont know if I should get new hobbies, but to me that just seems super fake and I'd just be doing it to meet people (guys) because I like all my current hobbies and ways to fill my time.

 

I can't for the life of me figure out what I'm doing wrong other than being myself and not putting out (not that those are "wrong" but I'm thinking are the only two reasons everything always goes south). I guess my quirky personality can be too much to handle for some, but that's usually figured out in the first date. The only other thing that happens on second/third dates is the guy tries some over the clothes touching nonsense and I'm like "hey I'm not about that this early on" or whatever. I say it seriously enough so they stop, but not angrily or aggressively and usually the date then continues on with fun and laughter.

 

This has been brewing for awhile, but the straw that broke the camels back was from a second date that went wonderfully yesterday, but I could tell in the "just got home" texts following it that it was unlikely I'd hear from him again.

 

Can anyone relate? I feel like I'm constantly in this position and I want to fix it, but I don't want to compromise who I am. Maybe I've just gotten a truck full of bad guys, but realistically I feel like the finger is more pointed at their is something wrong with me.

[JustWishing]

You can't try more than to just be yourself. If someone really likes you and wants to be with you, they will put the effort in to get to know you better and stick with you. Don't change just because you think that it is easier to find someone if you do. Just be yourself and be patient. The right one will come along someday and will take the good with the bad. Like my granny always used to say "There is a lid to every pot" LOL

[cingularity83]

Well I've always said that whenever things are always constantly happening to you the same way each time then the first place one should always start with is from the inside and taking an introspective look.

 

I would say that for most people both guys and girls it is expected that by at least the 2nd or 3rd date that there would at least be a kiss so that way there's no confusion as to whether it's heading towards friendship or romantic.

 

So while you don't need to have sex right away after the 2nd or 3rd date I don't see anything wrong with some kissing & touching unless they are trying to touch you underneath your clothes or blatantly trying to make it look like they wanna have sex. It could just be that to them you're acting like you're afraid to get close to them which in turn sends them running in the other direction.

 

On the other hand it'll help if you can tell if the guys are just about wanting sex or just trying to get a little closer to you and would wanna actually pursue something meaningful..... Good luck with that one

[Clinton]

Agree with justwishing. Be yourself and it will eventually happen. Dating is hard for a lot of people. If it was easy this place wouldn't exist.

 

Keep your values and keep on trucking.

[akrngrl]

Cingularity, I'm totally open to kissing, which is usually what causes me to get the most bummed when they fall off the face of the earth (kind of like, okay you made it past the personality and my sense of humor, which is the real test, you also find me attractive enough to kiss me, so I fail to see where this went bad...). I shudder to think, but I've even gotten more liberal with the touching. I just don't want to send the wrong message, but apparently all the guys I've ever been on a date with (if we are physical in any way) are all about second date (some even try it on the first! heck no) under the shirt back grabbing/touching, and over the jeans butt grabs. I try to keep it at kissing, but good lord do hands wander and half the time I'm trying to re-navigate their arms.

 

Back home, to my knowledge, people really only liked me for my personality and humor first and looks were always on the back burner. Since moving, it's definitely gotten me into trouble, because I never considered that someone would just want to sleep with me or be physical because they thought I was "good looking" or whatever.

[akrngrl]

Thank you Clinton and JustWishing! I guess I was just wondering if there was anything I was doing that was sending out some sort of alert to make these guys drop off the face of the earth. It's also unsettling when I have everyone telling me that I'm being "ty" for going out so much and to stop looking. I just want to be like "Where in the heck am I going to meet anyone? The knitting club that doesn't exist?" haha. I like my hobbies and they're largely not what a guy is into and I love that. I love when they can show me new things that they like to do that I would never consider to do just on my own, but my hobbies keep my identity and allow me to have things outside of them that I do all on my own.

[reinventmyself]

First off. .stop listening to married people who think they know better. Times have changed and having someone throwing themselves on your windshield would be great, but online dating is todays phenomenon.

 

The bad news it lends to people being more disposable.

Just be patient. . Know you are not alone with your experiences. Many men have the same complaints about women.

 

So carry on . .I think you'll be fine. Just go into it knowing it's a numbers game and you should expect to meet several men that aren't to your liking and vice versa.

 

Brush it off and say `next'!

[catfeeder]

You are fabulous. Once you can grasp that most people are simply NOT our match, you'll grow more comfortable allowing wrong matches to pass early. It's a skill, and well worth learning.

 

Most people don't own the right lens to appreciate your unique value, which is fine because you only want one who 'gets you,' and with whom you enjoy great chemistry and simpatico.

 

Keep being yourself, and keep meeting new guys. The right one for you may be the needle in the haystack, but he's worth the effort and the faith to avoid settling for anyone less than him.

 

If finding love were easy, there would be nothing special about it.

 

Head high.

[Ms Darcy]

This is one situation where it probably hurts you a little to be getting online advice. We don't know you but we do know there's a bit of a pattern going on. So perhaps there is something you are inadvertently doing ... who knows. With a couple of gfs, I could tell them easily. So, I would advise you to consult with a very honest gf who can give you in particular advice.

 

I also will note that if I were really serious about finding a husband and having children, I would ... and did ... move to a bigger city. If it's that much of a priority.

[akrngrl]

MsDarcy, you're totally right about not having a good grasp of a person on the internet. Unfortunately my best/most honest friend who knows all the details of everything is back home (and also 50) so a lot of her advice is what she used to do. Not that it's necessarily wrong advice, but I the times I have employed it have yielded less results than now/being myself (She'd tell me to never kiss on the first date, make them call and do all the work, etc) I feel like dating today in general is expected to be much more even with effort. I kind of take her advice with a grain of salt.

 

I am looking into that for sure. Most of the men I meet are from the DC area and are willing, if it were to work out, make the distance work until I was able to move. It's just hard to swallow when I'm going out on dates with men in their early to mid 30's and these shenanigans are still happening.

[Sportster2005]

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. On the contrary. Stay focused and stop thinking negatively. Tell the older people at work to get bent. Older people give lousy advise. Hee hee

[LoveSoDeep]

If you're upset that these guys keep trying physical things you're not ready for....then somehow you're picking the wrong guys because we all know there are guys out there that won't try that sort of thing on a second date. Maybe you need to make it more clear that you won't put up with that on date one so that the guys who lean that way will bow out before they get to date 2 or 3.

 

That being said you're really not doing anything "wrong" it's not easy to find that one perfect match. The only way to not get hurt is not to get too invested early on. Keep on keeping on.

 

One last thought. You mentioned "the 'made it home' text" as if it was something that is common unless the guy specifically asks you to text him when you get home with no prompting from you, I would not send such a text because there are a lot of ways guys can read this and most of them are not positive. I know you see it as caring but guys often see it as meddling, controlling or desperate.

[akrngrl]

Lovesodeep, it must be something like that with how I'm picking guys. I thought I was doing better by only addressing guys that really were looking for an LTR, but I'm finding that even though that's what they want, I guess maybe they don't see me as a match in that way and try to take it further. It frustrating to dance the line of not being a prude, but not doing something that I think will lead to them liking me only to have them disappear still.

 

You're right, and I do only text them that I got home if they explicitly ask. After the first date with the guy that prompted this, he actually texted me that he got home and told me how much fun he had and that he wanted to hear from me later etc. we then made contact each day that week (nothing extensive) until the date Sunday. I thought everything was great even when I left. He walked me to the car gave me a kiss and told me what a great time he had and to text him when I got home. I did, and thanked him for a great time and that I hoped we could do it again soon. He made a comment about how long it took me to get home and apologized and then said he had a great time too. I told him it was okay and that it was worth the drive and he responded by sending me all the pictures he had taken of me at a festival that day. I had an uneasy feeling and then I Didn't hear from him at all yesterday. I was torn between the "you don't have to text every day, just text to make plans" and the "if the texting isn't the same after the date as it was before he's not interested".

[intheferns]

Wait, you had a second date this Sunday that went well, but he's been text silent for 1 day? The last text was from him sending you photos? Maybe he's waiting on you to respond? Or since you're in possible 3rd date territory maybe you can suggest a date with him? I think it's a bit early to write him off. If you don't hear from him by tonight, figure out something fun and ask him out if you'd really like to see him again. The worst he can do is say he's not able to and not ask for an alternative. At that point I'd say "that's too bad, some other time then" then leave the ball in his court and move on with dating others as he's not giving me clear signs of active interest.

 

Him apologizing for your long drive is a little odd. Distance may be a factor in waning interest since dates will always require some planning and travel, no spur of the moment activities are possible. That may give some men and women pause to consider the implications of a relationship with this factor.

[JustWishing]

what did you text him back after he sent you all the pictures of the festival?? If you didn't text him anything he might be waiting on you to respond.

[akrngrl]

Intheferns, after the photos I responded "thank you!" It was more the fact that he didn't acknowledge my comment about wanting to get together. Then I thought back to the date and naturally began overanalyzing everything (he dropped a few bombs on me and more than once said "I probably shouldn't be telling you this...") and I thought maybe it was one of those tactics to make yourself unappealing (I used to do that when I was younger on dates if I didn't feel a connection, just make myself seem less attractive). He texted me a few hours ago though, but I just got it as I was in a super long meeting. He said that he just went home (where his family is) and that he wanted to see me when he got back. I responded that I'd like that and asked when he was coming home. Awaiting his response now.

 

It's about an hour and a half drive to DC from me and I left him around 9 pm. For whatever reason there was crazy traffic and it took two hours to get home (but I had spent most of the day there at his suggestion since I was driving so far) so I didn't really care. It was just nice to see people that weren't homeless or missing teeth to be honest and to visit some really cool places. I thought that could be a factor and he had mentioned it in the first message back to me that he didn't make it out by me often (no one does and I don't blame them haha) but if we were too pursue anything we could make it work (then he added that he was getting ahead of himself). I have major plans to hopefully move because everything is so far behind by me that I fear even when I do get a new job I'll be too out of the loop. So I'm really pushing a move regardless.

 

I'm glad he said he wanted to see me because the only thing I could figure out to ask him to do was see Jurassic park when it came out ( we both mentioned we wanted to see it ), but that was so far away it seemed silly.