He doesn't want a relationship, he just wants to be friends

[skittles88]

Hi, looking for some advice. I met this guy through mutual friends and we hit it off pretty well. After a couple dates he let me know that he had gotten out of a long term relationship almost a year ago and it was a very messy breakup. He wasn't looking for a relationship or anything serious. I was fine with that at the time, I was talking to someone else I met online and planning to meet up so I was keeping my options open. However the more we were spending time together I started to develop feelings. I hadn't felt that way about anyone I dated previously and I thought we really connected. So if course I did the silly thing and kept it going hoping that with more time he would change his mind.

 

So after about six months of dating I told him how I felt and that I wanted more. And he told me that he was still not ready for another relationship. I told him I couldn't keep seeing him if that's how he felt. But he wants us to still be friends especially since we have mutual friends in common and might see each other in the future. I don't know if I should, I'm afraid that if I am friends I will still be hoping for more. On the other hand I am missing him and wondering if I should try friendship. My friends wedding is coming up and I know I will see him there and I just don't know what to do.

[mhowe]

There isn't anything to do. He doesn't want a relationship.

 

You definitely need to stop "dating", but you can simply be polite when you see him out and about.

[Clinton]

He was honest with you. You just chose to ignore what he said. You can't be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for.

 

Unless you can honestly say you'd want nothing more than friendship with him, best to move on.

[daddids]

Well, I was dating this girl for ~3 months before she told me she was not looking for something serious because she recently had gotten out of a 3 year relationship.

 

That happened 2 weeks ago. Even though I was having a really great time with her I could not see myself being friends with her so I decided to go no contact.

 

If you have a romantic relationship with someone, you cannot go back to being friends with them. It just doesnt work this way.

 

If you ever run into him be polite and have a quick conversation but thats that.

Stop interacting with him so that you can clear your head off the idea of being a couple at some point.

 

If he ever changes his mind, he knows how to reach out to you, until then any kind of communication will be counter-productive for you.

[Hollyj]

You can't be friends. I tried that. Soon painful!

 

Next time, please listen when they tell you they don't want a relationship. It sounds like you want a commitment.

[jimthzz]

If you were intimate with him during that six months, that is enough time for him to know if he can go to the next level as you want. If only wants to FWB with you, then you need to stop seeing him.

 

It'll mess with your head, definitely not change his mind, and waste your time.

[Coldarmy13]

Crazy almost sounds exactly like my ex girlfriend, except it was 4 months.

 

I miss her like crazy but have managed to somehow keep no contact since she broke it off with me over the phone claiming to not be ready for the relationship a little over a month ago.

 

If you feel more than he does, which it sounds like you do, absolutely don't accept his offer to remain friends. It would be unfair to yourself and you don't owe him anything now. You probably made him a priority as I did and most likely out in more effort in the relationship. Be fair to yourself and as hard as it is don't contact him and work on recovering yourself. If it helps, remember that he made a choice to remove himself from your relationship.

[catfeeder]

Even if he wanted a relationship, it's deadly to date someone fresh out of a breakup. It sets you up as a rebound. Those start out fabulously. You become the 'It' girl he's been waiting for and things fall right into place. Until they don't. It can take 6 months or a year, maybe longer, before out of the blue you're told what a great person you are. You're thanked. And dumped.

 

Don't position yourself as a rebound. Find out on or before first date how long a guy has been out of his last LTR, and if it's within 6 months, back the hell off.

 

In your case, I'd tell Mr. Friend that I adore him and can see the two of you together someday, and you're walking away while you both still think highly of one another. He's welcome to touch base with you in another 6 months or a year if he's ever free and clear and fully over his ex. You can meet to catch up if you're still available.

 

Then drop from his radar--completely. Be kind and civil at the wedding or whenever you see him in public, but avoid him--do NOT to try to convert him. If you take up with the guy prematurely, you'll break your own heart, even if things 'appear' to be golden.

 

Think of a rebound as the band-aid that gets discarded after the wound is healed. People who dive in as the emotional red cross usually get dumped once the griever is healed and ready to experience the single life. There is nothing more dismal than the speech about not having taken enough time after a breakup to 'find myself,' but you're such a great person, and I'm sure you'll find the right person someday.

 

Skip that.

 

Head high.