Dating someone who just wants 'fun', am I wasting my time?

[Ragamuffin blu]

I don't know what to do, I met someone through a mutual friend in March, we have pretty much been in touch everyday by text and met up a few times staying over at each others places. She has said from the start that it all she was looking for was fun, she came out of a serious relationship last September. I haven't been in a serious relationship since I broke up 2 years ago and thought it would be fine. However I feel like we really get on, and each time we meet it gets better but she really avoids discussing anything too emotional. I don't want to wreck things by getting too serious or clingy but at the same time I really don't want to get messed around.

 

I wish I could just be more relaxed and go with the flow, we have a really lovely time together. I just don't know at what point I say I want to know this is going somewhere or do I just carry on enjoying the lovely times we have together and let things just happen. We were together Saturday night/Sunday and I think she was meeting her ex girlfriend on Sunday afternoon, (as we have not discussed being exclusive and I know she is friends with her ex, I don't feel right asking too many questions about it) so I think this has added to my concern. Although we are not exclusive we have both said that we don't sleep around and wouldn't, although it is all a bit vague! I really like her and we have a great time together, I just don't know if I should be patient or am I just being a mug?

Any advice?

[Ms Darcy]

I'm confused about what you are asking for. She's made it clear she doesn't want a relationship.

 

Perhaps you are not being honest with yourself in that you want one. Right now, she is uncommitted to you. She can see others and you have no stated future together. I don't think that's what you want.

 

I think you should seek someone who wants what you want.

[mhowe]

You haven't even been together two months. I would enjoy each other and figure out, in say, another two months if you want to talk to her about being exclusive. It doesn't sound as though that is her goal.

[ParisPaulette]

If you want a serious committed relationship then yes, you are absolutely wasting your time. The girl has stated to you from the beginning that she does not want a serious relationship, she wants to have fun--I.e. that means no commitment and she can date whoever she wants or as many fellows as she wants.

 

Getting along great doesn't mean a relationship is in the offing, friends get along great too. And never have a romance.

 

If you look around this forum you will see an astonishing number of men and women who got involved with someone who was very clear from the beginning that they did not want a committed relationship, never committed, then left them for someone else sometimes even years later. Leaving the other party hurt and angry and now having to deal with a full-on breakup that was in some part of their own making since they ignored the person's words and went with, "But he/she wanted to spend time with me and do couple-y things and said they even loved me/loved being with me" instead of believing the other person.

 

In this one area a person's words actually do carry more weight than their actions. When they say, "I don't want a committed relationship" people mean it. It's not a wishy-washy maybe to them, it's a definite statement of terms. You are then free to do whatever you want, but those are their terms. And from their side they think nothing of it, because they were clear in what they wanted. If you choose to ignore that and get hurt they are of the mind that it is your fault for not listening to them. So listen to her and hear what she says.

[Hollyj]

She said she doesn't want a relationship. I don't understand your question, as she already answered it.

[Ragamuffin blu]

Thanks Well she hasn't said she doesn't want a relationship as such, more to have fun, get to know each other and see where is goes type of thing. I know she is hurt from her ex and I know she builds walls around herself emotionally, so I guess I have just been telling myself that it will change. In the past I have tended to jump into relationships pretty quickly, so not to jump in is kind of an indication to me that there isn't the same interest there. I think as I am fretting about it it shows its not right for me and I need to just end it before I get hurt.

[Ms Darcy]

It's definitely not right for you if you are trying to describe her mental state as a possible reason for not doing what you want (walls around herself).

 

Being a pseudo-shrink in a dating situation - that's not a good sign.

[Ragamuffin blu]

It's definitely not right for you if you are trying to describe her mental state as a possible reason for not doing what you want (walls around herself).

 

Being a pseudo-shrink in a dating situation - that's not a good sign.

 

I didn't mean it to come accross that way! There is nothing wrong with her, the issue is with me, still just figuring out the dating game, all good practice!

[catfeeder]

we have not discussed being exclusive and I know she is friends with her ex, I don't feel right asking too many questions about it

 

I can't speak for you or anyone else, but I know myself. I've made a private rule of thumb not to mess with anyone who is still involved with an ex in any way beyond shared children. It's not something I'll find out about later, it's something I'll ask about up front while we're checking one another out.

 

When someone says they're just out for fun ever since their breakup, and they're still in contact with their ex, what should that tell you?

 

I'd tell this girl that I adore her and can picture the two of us together in the future, but her contact with her ex tells me that she's still handling old business. That's fine, and if she's ever free and clear of the ex and fully out of contact and over her, she can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. I've decided that I'm relationship material and want to find someone who feels the same way about me, so I think it's best to walk away while we both still think highly of one another.

 

Head high.

[Ragamuffin blu]

Thanks catfeeder. That makes a lot of sense. I am just trying to be honest with myself, it is supposed to be a bit of fun and when we were together it is, but that is not enough for me. I have told her today that I am not into just being friends so that is that, honestly I am gutted but I know I'll be right again and will look for someone who actually does think I am relationship material.